If you haven’t changed your url in years tell me why as someone in your same boat it’s for science

seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything

Black panther poster. Just as relevant today

every time a lancer fan or the creators of lancer say that they've never called union a utopia im going to cut these pages out of a copy of the rulebook like a ransom note and send it to their house

and by the way a significant chunk of the "in-progress" part of the "in-progress utopia" is that they haven't done enough benevolent imperialism yet

that last pair of sentences is truly unreal to me., tfw integration is unwelcome and conflict occurs (as a last resort)

Terrifying in the way only liberals can be

People liked pocket rats so here is a lil video of pocket rats

Though they're often referred to as "camouflaged loopers," these caterpillars are the larvae of the wavy-lined emerald moth (Synchlora aerata).

Camouflaged loopers deploy a unique form of self-defense -- they snip off tiny pieces of the flowers upon which they feed, then use bits of silk to attach the vegetation to their backs. This provides them with a kind of camouflage, enabling them to blend in with the plants that they eat.

Some of them create little tufts that run along their backs, while others fashion a thicker camouflage that covers their backs completely. In some cases, the camouflaged loopers will even build much larger bundles that surround their entire bodies.

Their range includes most of North America (from southern Canada down through Texas) and they can feed upon an enormous variety of plants -- so the disguises that these caterpillars build can come in countless colors, shapes, and sizes, incorporating many different flowers and other bits of vegetation.

And this is what the fully-developed moth looks like:

Sources & More Info:

@onenicebugperday

oh my god this New Yorker article about the Titan holy fucking shit fuck???

Some notes: 1. the electrical system was designed by engineering undergrads who were working as interns. 2. because it is illegal to take passengers on an unclassed experimental submersible, they called the passengers "mission specialists" & instead of buying tickets they made donations. 3. the satellite beacon was held onto the outside of the sub with zip ties. 4. when Lochridge (the whistleblower) quit, Stockton Rush asked HIS FINANCE DIRECTOR if she wanted to be the pilot and she was like "sir I am an accountant" and the experience of having her boss ask his accountant to be the pilot made her so freaked out that she ALSO quit the company 5. the carbon fiber used to make the hull was bought from a deep discount from Boeing because it was past its expiry date for use in airplanes

AND MUCH, MUCH MORE

i’ve heard a lot of people say “don’t reach out to your friends first and see how many people will remain in your life. those are your true friends” and i get it. it sucks and it’s tiring constantly being the one to message first, to initiate hang outs but don’t take this so literally. some friendships require initiation. i have lost touch with so many people who genuinely cared about me and wanted me in their life because i stopped reaching out. it’s a hard pill to swallow but honestly some people just suck at it and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you. i’ve reconnected with some people over the past few months and it’s crazy how genuinely happy they are to see me and how engaged they are in the conversation. i just think sometimes we’re too harsh on each other & too quick to emphasize other peoples flaws and remove them from our lives but then we’ll all be alone and what’s the point of life then!!!!

I think this is one of those tricky questions that should always be answered on a personal, case-by-case basis: If I find that I am always the one to reach out first, and my friend doesn’t reach out to me, (when) should I let go and move on?

This is my advice - for whatever it’s worth - to anyone contemplating this question.

You should consider reaching out anyway if:

You should consider letting go and moving on if:

Standing ovation, dude. I’ve been hanging in this post’s notes a lot because this is deeply relevant for me, and this is the best set of actual advice I’ve seen.

The one thing I would maybe challenge is “Moving down the priority list for a new partner/children is one thing, but…”

Disclaimer, I have no personal experience with this, but formerly close friendships suffering when one person enters the married-with-children life is extremely common judging by the posts I see about it, and it does make both parties miserable in the end. Plenty of friends of married people feel hurt by being discarded through objectively no fault of their own, and plenty of married people look back 5-10 years later and realise their old social contacts have withered away into nothing, and are unhappy about that.

This is more advice for the married party than the one stuck reaching out to someone now busy with family life, but I would consider Keep Scheduling Friend Things Even If They’re Rare to be on the newly-married-with-children important tasks list to be nearly on par with like, updating your insurance and child-proofing the apartment.

Of course, the friend left behind should also keep reaching out in that case, even if it’s just to remind the other of their existence. So I don’t actually disagree, just more of a caveat. “One person enters family life and completely drops contact” isn’t a good situation in the mid to long term, either. The friend’s patience in that case should be more extensive but not limitless either.

Plus, since “partner” includes far more casual relationships than marriage… if someone has a string of boyfriends/girlfriends/enbyfriends (look “boyfriend/girlfriend” sounds flippant in a way the gender-neutral “significant other” doesn’t, and I need flippant right now) and whenever they get a new one their friends instantly fade into the background until they’re needed again (often to provide comfort after a break-up)… yeah that’s no good either and you shouldn’t stick around for that.

Thank you kindly! I do not claim any expertise whatsoever but I am glad to be of help.

Regarding your point about partners & children, I agree. It’s important to make the distinction between someone who has less time for their friends when partnered and/or parenting, and someone who makes no time for their friends when partnered and/or parenting.

What I meant by “moving down the priority list” is just that someone else’s need (for the person’s time and attention) takes precedence over your own. It’s reasonable for the needs of committed partners, and especially children, to take precedence over those of friends. But if the partners and/or children bump the friends off the priority list altogether that is unhealthy for everyone involved. Or, to look at it another way, it’s reasonable for a child and partner to occupy Slots 1 and 2 on the Priority List; it is not reasonable for them to occupy Slots 1 through to 12. If your friend made connections with a dozen new people and they all take precedence over you, you should probably cut your losses. Likewise if your friend’s new sweetheart is occupying slots for twelve.

This actually reminded me of one other reason to revaluate a friendship: If your friend has relegated you to the roll of support crew (i.e. someone they can call on for practical and/or emotional support but never or rarely reciprocate, and never spend time just being friends) then it’s time to hit the road. This type of friend may actually be the one to reach out first! But think carefully about whether they are actually reaching out for a shared connection, or just for a free therapist/babysitter/rent-a-crowd member.

i’ve heard a lot of people say “don’t reach out to your friends first and see how many people will remain in your life. those are your true friends” and i get it. it sucks and it’s tiring constantly being the one to message first, to initiate hang outs but don’t take this so literally. some friendships require initiation. i have lost touch with so many people who genuinely cared about me and wanted me in their life because i stopped reaching out. it’s a hard pill to swallow but honestly some people just suck at it and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you. i’ve reconnected with some people over the past few months and it’s crazy how genuinely happy they are to see me and how engaged they are in the conversation. i just think sometimes we’re too harsh on each other & too quick to emphasize other peoples flaws and remove them from our lives but then we’ll all be alone and what’s the point of life then!!!!

Also this is such an ableist take! The idea of don’t reach out your true friends will reach out to you no op.

Like when I’m in a depression spiral, low on energy, busy or generally feeling like shit I tend to self isolate. Not because I don’t value my friendships but because I’m disabled and my disabilities affect me in that way. I feel reaching out “too frequently” comes off as annoying and clingy thanks to my RSD, I often have no energy to initiate conversations thanks to my chronic exhaustion, I often feel too much like shit to try and do anything substantial thanks to my various conditions. Not to mention if someone has q sudden drop off in activity I normally best case scenario assume theyre busy or worst case scenario think I did something wrong or they don’t like me anymore which mega triggers my RSD.

So yeah “if someone doesn’t reach out to you if you stop reaching out to them they’re not your real friend”

Is not only a completely bullshit take its an ableist one too.

See, you’d have an excellent point if 99% of the pushback against this weren’t from people who also have all of those things you just mentioned.

> Not to mention if someone has q sudden drop off in activity I normally best case scenario assume theyre busy or worst case scenario think I did something wrong or they don’t like me anymore which mega triggers my RSD. 

Then you’re a bad friend. Not necessarily a bad person, but if someone (potentially) gets into a car accident and stops posting, or their cat dies and they stop posting, or their relative dies and they stop posting, and need you as a friend more than ever, and all you can think about is yourself and how they probably just don’t like you? That’s not a good friendship and you’re not being a good friend. It may not be your fault, because you didn’t choose to be wired like this or react in this self-centered way, but it is what it is and you should strive to do better. Idk how, man, I’m not a therapist. But the tone of resigned acceptance and, yes, excuses, is just depressing to watch.

I know this will probably make you angry but just think about it, okay?

A mother and baby potoroo spotted at South Australia’s Cleland Wildlife Park enjoying a little snack in the sunshine.

this is so insanely accurate i dont even know what to say

i’ve heard a lot of people say “don’t reach out to your friends first and see how many people will remain in your life. those are your true friends” and i get it. it sucks and it’s tiring constantly being the one to message first, to initiate hang outs but don’t take this so literally. some friendships require initiation. i have lost touch with so many people who genuinely cared about me and wanted me in their life because i stopped reaching out. it’s a hard pill to swallow but honestly some people just suck at it and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you. i’ve reconnected with some people over the past few months and it’s crazy how genuinely happy they are to see me and how engaged they are in the conversation. i just think sometimes we’re too harsh on each other & too quick to emphasize other peoples flaws and remove them from our lives but then we’ll all be alone and what’s the point of life then!!!!

#a friend of mine just messaged me to tell me she's going to stop reaching out#says it triggers her RSD that she's always the one to initiate#but no matter how much she means to me#and she means so so much#i just can't remember to do it#anyway i think i just lost my best friend

I would like to give you some advice, so that your friendship might turn out better than mine did. If you think it's still salvageable.

I've been in that position - that of your friend with RSD - and it's incredibly painful, honestly soul-crushing. The difference was that I never told them I was going to stop, I just stopped. In my case I'd become much less important to them as they made new friends, even though they still loved me, so I didn't see a point in telling them when we'd already communicated about how radio silence from them was making me feel 2-3 times in the past. But in your case it sounds like both of you are still invested in having an active friendship, so you might have a chance.

1. If you truly care but are having trouble remembering to reach out, you NEED to set up a system where you don't have to rely on your memory as much. Maybe it's an app, or sticky notes. My smartphone lets me set multiple alarms, you could have a special one that's SOLELY for reminding you to talk to your friend, say, once a week, or twice a week. You could try something like that. That alarm rings, that's your cue to reach out if you haven't recently, respond to something they sent if you forgot, etc.

2. But. You NEED NEED NEED to be consistent with it, at least initially. Because let me tell you, I tried to "let my friend go" a few times in the past. And sometimes - after a month or more of radio silence - they WOULD reach out to me and ask how I was doing, and I'd be elated, give them a brief update and ask about them. ....And then get no reaction. No response, no acknowledgement until maybe another month later. And let me tell you, it was awful. It made me wish I'd just ignored them and carried on not messaging. I felt strung along. Do not do that. If you want to reconnect and restore the relationship, you need to make that a genuine priority, at least for a while.

Right now the thing you need to do if you want to keep the relationship is restore trust, and also make your friend stop associating you with feelings of intense worthlessness. The way to do that is consistent interactions and a commitment to making them feel valued again.

If you can set an alarm each morning so you're not late for work/school, you can do this, I promise. Good luck. Go get your best friend back.

I wish I could tell Redditors that their abusive parent, in all likelihood, did not have a real diagnosable personality disorder and that armchair diagnosing them with a cluster b personality disorder and then villainizing the mentally ill is not helping anyone. What happened to “my dad was an asshole. a fucking bastard. a jerk who hurt me very badly.” why is it now “my father was a malignant narcissist. I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, not just emotional and physical child abuse. he definitely had NPD and that’s why he was so evil. and I know because I read it online”.

There are many people did have abusive and/or neglectful parents who happened to be struggling with a real, tangible, diagnosed mental illness. It can be helpful to look back and think and know “Some of my parent’s behavior was exacerbated by their hoarding disorder, chronic depression, substance use disorder etc etc. That is an explanation but not an excuse. It was their responsibility to protect me, to try to get better and they failed. They did not continue to hurt me because they were unwell but because they were abusive and selfish. I have a genetic and environmental predisposition to develop the same illness and behaviors so I’m hyperaware of my own health and relationship to keep the cycle from repeating.” but that’s not what the whole ‘narcissistic abuse’ community is about. It’s the opposite of introspective and empathetic and mental health conscious and socially aware.

Communities built around bonding over victimhood will very frequently develop circle-jerking dynamics that are ultimately detrimental to recovering, healing, or even (as is sometimes, but not always, on the table) repairing those toxic relationships and reconciling.

Another horrific example of that is forums for parents of estranged children: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/summary.html

i’ve heard a lot of people say “don’t reach out to your friends first and see how many people will remain in your life. those are your true friends” and i get it. it sucks and it’s tiring constantly being the one to message first, to initiate hang outs but don’t take this so literally. some friendships require initiation. i have lost touch with so many people who genuinely cared about me and wanted me in their life because i stopped reaching out. it’s a hard pill to swallow but honestly some people just suck at it and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you. i’ve reconnected with some people over the past few months and it’s crazy how genuinely happy they are to see me and how engaged they are in the conversation. i just think sometimes we’re too harsh on each other & too quick to emphasize other peoples flaws and remove them from our lives but then we’ll all be alone and what’s the point of life then!!!!

I think this is one of those tricky questions that should always be answered on a personal, case-by-case basis: If I find that I am always the one to reach out first, and my friend doesn’t reach out to me, (when) should I let go and move on?

This is my advice - for whatever it’s worth - to anyone contemplating this question.

You should consider reaching out anyway if:

You should consider letting go and moving on if:

Standing ovation, dude. I’ve been hanging in this post’s notes a lot because this is deeply relevant for me, and this is the best set of actual advice I’ve seen.

The one thing I would maybe challenge is “Moving down the priority list for a new partner/children is one thing, but…”

Disclaimer, I have no personal experience with this, but formerly close friendships suffering when one person enters the married-with-children life is extremely common judging by the posts I see about it, and it does make both parties miserable in the end. Plenty of friends of married people feel hurt by being discarded through objectively no fault of their own, and plenty of married people look back 5-10 years later and realise their old social contacts have withered away into nothing, and are unhappy about that.

This is more advice for the married party than the one stuck reaching out to someone now busy with family life, but I would consider Keep Scheduling Friend Things Even If They’re Rare to be on the newly-married-with-children important tasks list to be nearly on par with like, updating your insurance and child-proofing the apartment.

Of course, the friend left behind should also keep reaching out in that case, even if it’s just to remind the other of their existence. So I don’t actually disagree, just more of a caveat. “One person enters family life and completely drops contact” isn’t a good situation in the mid to long term, either. The friend’s patience in that case should be more extensive but not limitless either.

Plus, since “partner” includes far more casual relationships than marriage… if someone has a string of boyfriends/girlfriends/enbyfriends (look “boyfriend/girlfriend” sounds flippant in a way the gender-neutral “significant other” doesn’t, and I need flippant right now) and whenever they get a new one their friends instantly fade into the background until they’re needed again (often to provide comfort after a break-up)… yeah that’s no good either and you shouldn’t stick around for that.

Thank you kindly! I do not claim any expertise whatsoever but I am glad to be of help.

Regarding your point about partners & children, I agree. It’s important to make the distinction between someone who has less time for their friends when partnered and/or parenting, and someone who makes no time for their friends when partnered and/or parenting.

What I meant by “moving down the priority list” is just that someone else’s need (for the person’s time and attention) takes precedence over your own. It’s reasonable for the needs of committed partners, and especially children, to take precedence over those of friends. But if the partners and/or children bump the friends off the priority list altogether that is unhealthy for everyone involved. Or, to look at it another way, it’s reasonable for a child and partner to occupy Slots 1 and 2 on the Priority List; it is not reasonable for them to occupy Slots 1 through to 12. If your friend made connections with a dozen new people and they all take precedence over you, you should probably cut your losses. Likewise if your friend’s new sweetheart is occupying slots for twelve.

This actually reminded me of one other reason to revaluate a friendship: If your friend has relegated you to the roll of support crew (i.e. someone they can call on for practical and/or emotional support but never or rarely reciprocate, and never spend time just being friends) then it’s time to hit the road. This type of friend may actually be the one to reach out first! But think carefully about whether they are actually reaching out for a shared connection, or just for a free therapist/babysitter/rent-a-crowd member.

In my workplace there are several native Spanish speakers, several native Mandarin speakers, and at least one other person (besides me) who is a native Russian speaker.

The first two groups regularly chat among themselves in Spanish/Chinese and don’t care who listens.

The Other Russian Speaker and I never do.

I can’t say for sure why that is, but from what I’ve observed of Russian diaspora friends, there’s almost a grovelling desire to integrate? To be seen as Not-Russian? Or to not remind others of your root Russianness? Like, my best friend from high school is the child of Russian immigrants, she actually speaks some Russian, and I’ve still never heard her call herself Russian.

And yes, I have never seen an American or Canadian or Brit say “I’m actually Russian” because their grandmother is or something

I think anon is right and it is about the prestige or more broadly about the perceived value of some cultural heritages over others. When the predominant cultural vibe is that X culture is Lesser Than, then there is very little incentive to claim shreds of that heritage To Make Yourself Interesting, and a good deal of pressure to pretend like it’s not there at all.

i’ve heard a lot of people say “don’t reach out to your friends first and see how many people will remain in your life. those are your true friends” and i get it. it sucks and it’s tiring constantly being the one to message first, to initiate hang outs but don’t take this so literally. some friendships require initiation. i have lost touch with so many people who genuinely cared about me and wanted me in their life because i stopped reaching out. it’s a hard pill to swallow but honestly some people just suck at it and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and value you. i’ve reconnected with some people over the past few months and it’s crazy how genuinely happy they are to see me and how engaged they are in the conversation. i just think sometimes we’re too harsh on each other & too quick to emphasize other peoples flaws and remove them from our lives but then we’ll all be alone and what’s the point of life then!!!!

Asking out of genuine curiosity as someone who struggles with the same issues:

#as someone who literally doesnt recognize the concept of time#like i cant tell the difference between we talked yesterday and we talked 3 months ago#its rlly hard to remember to be the one reaching out if we rnt talking every day on discord/text/etc#and apparently my family is like wow he hates us so much we should leave him alone qwq#but im like ovo i just dont remember to call or talk unless yal do it or if i see a chicken towel in the store and think of u#like its VERY random when i reach out first 

There are presumably other things in your life that require time awareness at risk of consequences far more dire than deteriorating relationships. Paying bills, homewok assignments, work deadlines, remembering to call your landlord back about a maintenance appointment, etc.

Do you use any organisational/reminder tools to stay afloat of those time-sensitive tasks? And if so, is there any reason you can’t do it to help manage social relationships?

i pathologically cannot go into academia enough to actually write a research paper but i really need one to exist on the topic of historical queer people referring to romantic partners as friends and historical straight people referring to romantic partners as friends and the ways in which modern day western capitalism has codified Romantic Partner and Friend into two distinct separate categories to the detriment of everyone and how aromanticism as a concept is rooted in that artificial separation and also how potentially homestuck played a relatively significant role in the development of 'queerplatonic' as a concept by presenting a section of the queer community with an alternative romance paradigm and so giving some people words for the idea that we have a romance paradigm and it is not immutable

like, romance and friendship have likely always been reasonably distinct concepts, and any cultural concept is subject to influence from a whole host of factors, and i'm sure when women had less legal agency marriage had a whole load of other baggage tied into it

but also i do feel like the idea that Friends Are Different To Romantic Partners is a concept that capitalism has a lot of investment in, in the same way it does Men And Women Are Literal Opposites. gotta split people up so you can market them more things cuz you can't buy your friend the same thing as your spouse

my primary evidence for the homestuck thing is the term queerplatonic was coined in 2013, tho. if anyone has evidence of it being used earlier do please gimme

alas: I personally popularized the term queerplatonic and can link you directly to its coining post in December 2010. I can also let you know that as far as I am aware, none of the people in that conversation were much into Homestuck at any point in our lives. I vaguely recall a post from someone--I think @melannen? somewhere c. 2010-2012 in the Dreamwidth asexual_fandom comm pitching Homestuck and sedoretu as interesting relationship styles to play with in fiction and maybe inspiration for real life, but that's the extent of how much into Homestuck I ever got. I think I read like twenty pages before bouncing off.

@kazaera is also around here and can speak for themself on the historical everything; I am not currently in touch with s.e. smith/meloukhia but I don't remember ou being particularly into homestuck either.

the dichotomy between friendship and romantic partner, and the increasing emphasis on combining romance and marriage, is also a wildly interesting topic but one whose shifts in emphasis are not particularly tied to capitalism. (of course capitalism informed the spread of it and it informs capitalism, social shit connects to itself, but the economic underpinnings of marriage and expectations on whether spouses were expected to be friends with one another is something you can see shifts in across a bunch of periods in history and not always where you might expect.

for example, the Romanticization of courtly love which spawned many of our beliefs and thoughts about Romance as a concept was explicitly disentangled from the economic stability aspects of marriage, existing wholly outside marriage itself. likewise, the idea that marriage should exist between friends has waxed and waned across various points in history depending on local subcultures; among other things it depends a fuck ton on how much cultural time the socialization and emotional attention mixes between genders vs. is confined to same gender relationships.

if you want a primer for that, I heavily recommend Marriage: A History by Stephanie Coontz, along with everything else she has ever written.

OP would it amuse you to read this academic paper which was titled based on one of my tumblr posts? The amusement here mostly being that I can now cite things like, “my lack of dating experience is immortalised in the literature (Stinson, 2021)”. I’m not sure how to tie it into your original thesis, but it is perhaps a peek into an alternate universe.

I would venture a claim that not only are friendships and romantic relationships Not That Different, on the contrary, they are damn-near identical. What's different is the socially-codified expectations of how these relationships are handled.

Case in point: There are many relationship advice posts on Reddit and Quora and relationship advice columns and whatnot, if you removed words like "boyfriend/friend/SO" etc., you would not have a damn clue if the relationship discussed was platonic or not. "My ____ has been spending more and more time with [person who is not me] and it's starting to make me feel neglected and a bit jealous. Should I say something?" Or "My ____ has a new job and barely has time for me anymore, what do I do?" Or "My ______ has basically stopped talking to me since they got into Elder Scrolls a month ago, now they just game whenever they're awake and mainly socialise with their gaming friends, should I end the relationship?" "My relationship with ___ seems one-sided and I'm starting to feel taken for granted, how do I bring this up?"

Again, I've seen versions of all of the above in discussions of platonic friendships.

People get jealous, people get clingy. People need love and attention and appreciation and it makes no damn difference if they're snogging the person on the side or not.

Hell, they've now even come up with a term called "emotional cheating"/"emotional affair" which is when your romantic SO is "too emotionally close" with someone other than you, to the point where it's damaging your romantic relationship because that emotional closeness is normally part and parcel of the romantic relationship, and now their attention is split or going elsewhere entirely.

But there's a difference in the social codification of how these relationships are handled. For instance, a person cheating on their romantic partner and then leaving that partner for the new person is pretty heavily stigmatised, while a person doing the exact same thing with a friendship is seen as pretty neutral, inevitable and not particularly worth judging or fighting against. "People drift apart and your friends become better friends with different people, it happens". A friendship lost to neglect or lack of appreciation or """cheating""" is not seen with the same level of lowkey-tragedy as a romantic relationship lost for the same reason, even though the amounts of "wasted" time and energy are broadly comparable.

(Not necessarily saying that approach is wrong, btw - though I'm also not not saying that, I think there's definitely cultural room to value friendships more - just remarking on a very notable difference.