funnytwittertweets
You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years.
when i think about kissing i beat my head with a stick and im fine again
don't worry honey you stay in bed I'll cook breakfast *sounds of heavy machinery running for 45 minutes & i return covered in coal dust, holding two plates of perfectly cooked eggs, bacon, & toast*
CLAIRES IS REAL????
Wait. Hold on. Do you mean to tell me that you thought Claire's, the real store, was some mass gaslighting effort by residents of the USA
@danwylds PLEASE tell me what other businesses you think are made up I'm so curious
goodzillo-deactivated20220127
scooby doo taught us that the real monster was daphne for keeping a smooth talking limp wrist twunk like fred in a straight relationship when he was born to cruise literally designed to suck and fuck
goodzillo
Straight people can reblog this
scott pilgrim, on a date: why would i get fat?
ramona flowers, his date: bread makes you fat.
scott pilgrim, emptying the breadsticks from his purse: breAD MAKES YOU FAT?
job application: describe your most recent leadership role
me: sometimes at crosswalks i'm the first one to start jaywalking and everyone follows me
Anonymous asked:
Hi I'm having a heart attack what should I do?
don’t listen to the haters ❤️ just be yourself xx
some people??? have hear attacks to cope???
thebootydiaries
if you have a heart attack. you. are. valid.
Hey guys, I have a free newsletter (also a dirtier paid version) where I send out filthy stories to your inbox every week if you're interested. I find it a much more pleasant way to read and write.
It's going to be a personal, sexy, and fun space to send out dirty stuff, and I'd love to see you there!
When a friend asks you to visit them in the hospital and creep on them so they remember what it feels like to be wanted, do you go?
Of course you do.
Tonight's free midnight missive might make you cry. Or come. Or both.