3\10\2018

Blackness caves with red as I looked into the mirror and punch myself so hard that I now feel blue

It’s not numb if you like the pain and it's not poison if you decide to dine away the embarrassment that you resembled outside of your body

No It’s not human nature to guide your fingers through your hair all while you hold too tight till your scalp is bleeding.

No

I’m fine

I’m as rosy as a red rose that has fully blossomed but no credit is done because spring has not arrived

it’s not a full moon but the day is new

I picked it up and it died in my hands

the rose is black s

hades of yellow as if it’s gasping for air

to take but to not take fully

who planted this seed, who water this plant, who took time to pick it out and let it roam through the valleys of blue skies and dandelions all so no-one would want a rose

It was perfect till you decided that the thorns were too hurtful and the rose was not rosy enough to be sprayed by chemicals of hatred

It feeds from my throat to my hands and ends where I store all of the things I had forgotten

All of the “could haves” “would haves” which regret starts to kick in 

the heat of overthinking towers you with a wave of destruction and words that won’t come out

All so the rose would lose it’s qualities and give up

#METOO

Senior year

It was almost my birthday, Did you hear?

I remember finally loving myself.

I remember feeling on top of the world.

I remember everything now.

The sound of his steps.

His dark shadow over me with fear throbbing through my chest.

I couldn’t move like my bones were restricted to the bed, it was so easy for you.

Wasn’t it?

The blackness that numbed me until there were day’s I couldn’t breathe.

Days I felt sick from the lack of wash I did.

Days I stayed in bed just to get the thought erased until I would have to see your face again.

I wanted it to be you so badly.

The love I knew wasn’t like this, It didn’t taste like this, like I’m from survival and signed up for this shit.

Please listen,

I wanted to save me but no words were coming out.

It was a red solo cup, jack covered mouth who stumbled in.

God sent maybe, till there were 10 people in the room yelling.

Did I do something?

Oh I must of

Cause I’m the only one sobbing while I gather my things with blurry vision having to leave this room feeling injustice while in my corner view he’s pulling up his pant’s.

Did that make you a man?

It took me 5 hours to eat a bowl of spaghetti

It took me 99.9 washes and 5 aderall prescriptions just to get the thought away and brush through the madness the mental stains will always be there but to be with someone I knew was all I wanted but wait

It wasn’t long till they started asking questions

It was upstairs.

I just wanted to sleep\

Drugged up and had work in the morning.

Yes he was someone I knew.

No he wasn’t you.

No I wasn’t a slut.

No I didn’t want attention.

I was literally raped in a few seconds

Thanks for the percussions and victim blame, back to what I was saying.

NO.

Prom he addressed me with panic in my throat .

In my head I should have went to court.

I’m selfish and wanted to forget.

Im sorry.

The question will always remain

Will he do it again?

At 17 I use to tell people I was “sexually assaulted”  to make it sound okay, but no it’s never okay. I was raped on March 17th, 2017. Today is March 1st 2018, and i’m surviving everyday in order to sustain the silence I don’t put enough emphasis on. I write to keep going, I write to feel safe, I write because I’m not the only one going through this. I woke up feeling like I had to write this, I’ve written a lot more than this, but today I wrote raw, and real, I feel powerful.

On average, there are 321,500 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. Protect yourself, your friends, your loved ones, and prevent whatever you can. Do not blame, do not assume, do not stay silent.