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@fucking-vibesx-blog

Go to used book stores even if you don’t plan on buying any. Find titles or colors that interest you, look for writing or folded pages in the books and see what the person who read it last loved most. Sit on the floor and take in your surroundings. Appreciate the stacks of miscellaneous books on shelves and flip through the pages of the really old ones. Look at the people who come and go and wonder what kind of book they’re looking for.

Used book stores are one of few places where I feel like time freezes.

I placed my heart and my happiness and everything I have left in the palm of your hand like a pebble, my entirety seems innocent compared to you. I prayed to a God I don't believe in and he told me to trust you. I handed to you the only bits I have left of myself, scraped up off the ground amongst the ruins of my last disaster. Please hold onto me, I'm afraid if you were to loosen your grip the breeze might lift away my integrity, or my determination would slip between your fingers. You could find my kindness hidden underneath your fingernails and I watch you effortlessly protect everything that I am. I watch you walk around not even realizing that without you I just might collapse. That you would take everything I have left with you, you are my everything. I have completely given myself to you, hold my pieces gently.

Please don't hurt me.

1. I hang 2 grey jackets on the hook on my wall because it looks aesthetically pleasing. 2. I over draw one side of my top lip when I put on lipstick because I’m pretty sure that side is a bit smaller than the other. 3. When I cut myself it was always in perfect rows. 4. I go to sleep instead of taking my dishes downstairs because I can’t stand to look at the mess but I can’t stand to clean it either. 5. I get distracted in class because I spend 22 minutes thinking about how thirsty I am, but that my fingers look odd holding a water bottle so I can’t take a drink and I end up missing a whole lesson.

6. When my psychiatrist asked me if I think I have OCD I said no, he said that was interesting.

I always imagined I’d grow up and settle for someone nice I met at university. Even if they didn’t make my chest burn, as long as they made money and were good in bed I would be satisfied. They probably wouldn’t have the same parenting style as me so we would fight and maybe they would like clutter because it felt homey when I like clean because of my anxiety. I thought a nice wedding for my family and a couple of kids would make me feel like I did something right. But Jesus fuck am I glad I found you before I settled for that. Because you, you make my entire being float inside of my body. Because we do have different parenting styles but it’s okay because you can take the kids out for ice cream past bedtime and I’ll make them do homework. And you’re going to make messes but I get anxious when I don’t have something to clean anyway. Because whether it’s a big Spanish wedding for your family or a courthouse wedding just for us, I wouldn’t care I just I want to call you my wife. Because I never would have felt this warm happiness in my fingertips if I hadn’t found you.

You have no idea how happy I am that I found you first.

I crave human interaction any sort of contact please just brush up against me bump my hand with yours play with my hair wipe an eyelash off of my cheek anything. Anything. Please. I need to know that I’m real and I’m coexisting in this room the same as you I need to be reminded that I’m not a part of the background image that I am breathing the same air and occupying the same space as everyone else. Please just remind me that I’m good enough to be acknowledged because I will forget please I lose my breath when I feel pretend
“If I could express in words how my mind fumbles when I look at you I would. If I could tell you with my voice that when I see you I see the rest of my life I would. But when I try to make you know how much I love you it comes out repetitively, simply, average. I could tell you a thousand times between breaths that I’m in love with your touch but I still don’t believe that you would understand. I don’t believe you could understand that I see you in everything I do. I see you when I’m putting away my laundry, in our future home helping me fold towels while we talk about our day. I see you when I’m doing my school work, sitting at the kitchen table helping our future son with his homework. I see you while I prepare a meal, cooking dinner with me for our family. I see you everywhere. In everything I do for the rest of my life and if I could tell you that when I kiss you it’s the only time that my mind goes still I would but I don’t think I could ever assemble such a string of words.”

You are my forever

1. Perhaps before I met you, my favorite color of eyes were green. But I can’t begin to explain the butterflies that flutter about in the pit of my stomach when I stare into your dark brown ones. 2. Before I met you, the date May 9th 2015 meant absolutely nothing to me. How could I have known that this would soon become the most important day of my life. 3. And I think that before I met you, long distance relationships were out of the question. But how could I decide not to be with the love of my life simply because of a mere 3000 miles between us.

I think that meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you.

1. If you told me you'd stay if I ran away with you I would do it. I would drop everything if you promised me forever. 2. If I had to stay up all night to hear your voice for 5 minutes I would do it. I would fall asleep 4 times at school the next day if you told me you loved me the way you do with that cute little giggle. 3. If I have to cry myself to sleep every night for the next year to be in your arms for a few days I will do it. I don't care how much it hurts if I get to be with you in the end.

I am so in love with you, I would do anything you asked me to.

I could write the story of how we met About the stupid giggle I get every time your name shows up on my phone Or the butterflies I get in my stomach when you tell me you love me But that would be such a boring story One that everyone has heard a million times over I would rather take pictures of you sitting looking at nothing With little captions about the way your hair had fallen in your face Or lay on the grass with someone and tell them about the way your lips move when you talk I think the story of the way I imagine my fingertips brushing against your skin is so much more interesting

3043.6 miles

Long distance relationships are kind of like glass jars. I'm in one and you're in another. I can see you but the image of your face doesn't look the same through glass as it would in person and I can hear you but your voice is echoed and muffled because of the cover on your jar and you're right there but I can't touch you. I can't be with you. I can't sit on the couch with your head in my lap. I can't sit across the table from you at a cute café. I can't hold your hand while we walk down the street. But I can see your hands that I want to hold and I can see your lips that I wish I could kiss and I want to be with you. If I could break my glass jar I would but I can't and nobody can understand how frustrating it is to see exactly what you want right in front of you but not be able to have it. Our glass jars are 3043.6 miles.

1. When he gives you his hoodie because you're cold don't take it home with you that night because when you're cleaning out your closet 4 months after he left you'll find it and it will still smell like him because you refused to wash it. 2. Don't take him to your thinking spot because that is where you go to release your tension and if you ever bring him with you you'll never be able to go back without picturing him sitting there beside you. 3. Stop asking him to kill spiders for you because when there's one on your ceiling and you're all alone you're going to wish you had toughened up and learned to get rid of them yourself because he's not there to do it for you anymore. 4. Don't ask him if your outfit looks good just wear it because when you put on those shorts that he said looked nice on you you're going to wish you had told yourself you looked good instead.

stop falling in love with him

I know that her voice changes when she gets tired and I can always tell when she needs to go to sleep. And I know that she loves all the high school musical movies but the second one is her favorite. I know that there's a line in that song that will always upset her which is why I don't like when she listens to it. I know that she's terrified of cockroaches and she's scared of the dark and that her biggest fear is falling off of the Grand Canyon. And all of these things are small unimportant facts but those are the ones that stick in my head because I think they will always say most about her and I want to know everything.

a list of advice

1. I know your chest aches at the thought of it and I know it hurt you so badly but love, you're going to have to put that behind you because there is an entire world of opportunities right in front of you and you'll never know it if you're turned around watching past memories float away. 2. Babies never learn not to touch hot things because as soon as the sting goes away they forget that it hurt. Just remember that. 3. Hugging your knees might not ever be the same as being in his arms and whispering to yourself will not sound the same as his voice late at night. But those memories will haunt you dear, and it's not worth it. 4. Take a shower. Let the water run over your body and wash it all away. 5. Nobody's lips are ever going to taste the same so stop looking for someone to replace him.

I don't know much about love But I know that when your name shows up on my phone I get butterflies And hearing your voice say my name makes me tingly I know that your face is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen And that your smile makes me giggle like a child I know that the thoughts of holding your hand and touching your skin keeps me going And I'm pretty sure that's all there is to know about love.

I never needed anybody because needing people is stupid. If you need someone then you will always have to live in fear of losing them and what would happen if you did. But here you are and I need you so badly it hurts and now I live in fear everyday of losing you and what would happen if I did but it's not like what I thought. It's not painful or awful, it's wonderful. It's beautiful to love you so much that I need you.

I want to wake up and look over at you. I want to wake up next to you. I want to watch you as you open your eyes, squinted, because the sun coming through the curtain hits your face. I want to reach over and push away the hair that fell in your face. I want to hear your morning voice, groggy and soft. I want to be able to roll over and kiss you and hug you and cuddle you. I want to go to sleep knowing that this is what I’ll wake up to.