Pirate jokes

hello tiny friends i keep in my pocket. tell me something I will find humorous but vaguely annoying

people have muscles behind their head that have the sole purpose to move the ears and it is complete evolutionary luck at this point if they work or not

oh I HATE this

you mean to tell me I’ve got an entire goddamn muscle group just sitting there FREELOADING???

I can’t wiggle my ears, but I CAN do that thing when you flex a muscle inside your ear and you can HEAR it flexing, like a rumbling sound. Looked it up, and apparently it’s the “tensor tympani”. muscle! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tensor_tympani_muscle#Voluntary_control I always kind of figured it was the muscle partially closing the ear canal, but apparently tensing your muscles makes a noise that’s 10-70 Hz!

Okay the fact we had this implies there was a PURPOSE to.having it.

to reach our final evolutionary form of course!

Gaud you are a coward for hiding this in the tags

Gaud were you going to tell anyone that that’s the wikipedia mascot

;)

This was a RIDE.

her name is

Catgirl Wikipe-tan

So I looked this up and you left out the best part. She isn’t just an anime girl wikipedia mascot, she is one of three anime girl wikipedia mascots. the other two are named Quote-tan and Commons-tan. 

actually the best part is how there’s apparently a Wikipe-tan visual novel app available free online, and the fact that Wikipe-tan features prominently in the illustrations on the wikipedia page for ‘visual novel’

oh and here are Quote-tan and Commons-tan, standing next to one of Wikipedia’s co-founders

y-eah.

These are my three girlfriends. And yeah… They all cite their sources

it's cold out there, reblog to give a trans man a cup of soump

reblogging

A) for political awareness

B) for somehow being able to only be given the top quarter of a string of characters and still being able to understand what it says

“Each dot represents 5,000 hogs.” World Geography. 1948. 

untapped infinite hog supply in the ocean

Each state is lined with an impenetrable wall.of swine. We are trapped

We’ve lost canada and mexico to the hogs already

I can’t believe we all made fun of that guy and his semi-automatic. He tried to warn us.

Sweet Fat Of The Hog Tuesday

Cruel Fat of the Hog Thursday

this post is from january, it’s become my very least favorite ask

Happy 2 Year Anniversary to my least favorite ask of all time!

I'm having a rough week, tell me something nice?

You have nice eyes.

thank you I've had a lot of fun collecting them!

My friend has a glass eye with a really pretty shade of blue in it, and he always gets complements like "Oh I like your eyes!" and sometimes when he's in a chaotic mood he'll pop it out of his head and say "Oh thanks, do you want it?"

worse than my friend who LITERALLY gave me a hand.

I just found out about traditional chinese quotation marks and i love these fuckers so much

*sneezes a cute little achoo! as an enormous cloud of reproductive spores erupts from my skin*

i love how gaud just posts words and a lot of the time they seem to be in an entirely new order. 10/10, the emotional scarring has an excellent flavor.

brand new sentence

gesundHOLY FUCKING SHIT

On any other website I'd be able to tell if this was an insult, a compliment, a threat, or a flirtation.

It’s a consult actually

without hrt christmas is just cismas

this pun works so beautifully well i cant believe the english language allows us to do this

Glad literally the entire notes section is on the same page

I've been he/it

I Now Pronouns You Dead

Economics

Con sonido! 🔈🔉🔊

The face of a woman regretting the music lessons.

The myth of Achilles, but instead of holding him by the heel, Thetis sumberges him fully so that Achilles is completely invulnerable and Thetis has one invulnerable hand.

She only needs one oven mitt when taking cookies out of the oven.

But there would still be two small parts of him that are vulnerable because they were covered by her fingertips at the time, stopping the water from touching them. Which means those fingertips are also vulnerable on her hand 

Achilles *putting those little round band-aids on two parts of his ankle before battle*

Thetis *knitting fingertip oven mitts for her thumb and forefinger*

This is a Greek comedy I could get behind 

What if she put him in a sack and dunked him in? The water would saturate the sack and soak him and so long as she pulled him out quick, he wouldn't drown. Then they'd have a sack that's invulnerable too and can be used as the most unexpected shield ever.

Imagine Achilles storming Troy with one (1) invulnerable sack for a shield

thetis just sticks him in one of these bad boys

and swirls him around like a batch of chicken nuggets until he’s invulnerable all over. 

*peels off the top layer of my hands like a pair of gloves & wrings them out over the sink*

*makes a balloon animal with it*

Sometimes I want to throw away this website and rip it to digital shreds

*dips my hand skin slowly into a pot of boiling water to disinfect them, then lays them out gently on the drying rack*

*gently fans your hand skin with a single unfolded piece of printer paper to dry it*