I deadass tried to get this on a shirt a couple of years ago and the company called me to say as funny as it was they can’t because of copyright

Thief!!! Stolen right off my nephew’s plate! No respect! 

snorp

If childbirth is soooooo hard then why don’t u just lay eggs like everyone else u fricken morons

Hulk + normal flesh tone Avengers: Endgame (2019)

Shrek 2 (2004)

Turn him back to green please? Thank you

third base is when you both discuss your emotional trauma with one another 

inside a truck

Imagine cutting your arm open or something and having to explain the scar to people for the rest of your life

GLORIOUS AMERICAN BEVERAGE, RECARBONATED OVER TEN THOUSAND TIMES

That is just an atrocious sword, huh?

Or maybe we should think twice about what we put in our bodies

i go into combat confidently wearing my armor made entirely out of 20 coke bottles

so here’s the problem. I once yelled because I saw a centipede and my boyfriend commentated “a friend!” and when I said “no!” he added “and maybe....... a lover..” the problem is. now this has become standard procedure for referring to centipedes. so now I get messages like:

WHY IS MY NAME BEEF IN YOUR PHONE

you know................. like bf...............

every time i listen to “you’re a mean one mr. grinch” i can’t help but sit there and think “what did the grinch do to hurt you?” because dude just stands there for 2 minutes and 58 seconds and drags the grinch into the dirt

he stole christmas, kayla! stop with your #notallgrinches propaganda!

you know what if someone told me i was a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce i’d probably be bitter enough to steal christmas too 

Interestingly, though The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is narrated by Boris Karloff, the big musical number is sung by the late Thurl Ravenscroft - an American voice actor better known as the voice of Tony the Tiger.

My headcanon is that the Grinch and Tony the Tiger had a bad breakup, and “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” is the resulting breakup song.

Did this really HAVE to be the first thing I see when I opened up Tumblr?

Yes.

oh god theres art

@altadude you know what must be done.

ive been avoiding reblogging this honestly but just. What the fuck. What the fuck tumblr

ok so i went ahead and made this into a fanfic actually

new chapter’s out!

thinking about my optometrist who was treating my eye infection and said “if it hurts, you can rinse your eye with boiled water. look at me - look at me. i want you to understand that i mean water that has been boiled and has since cooled down. not boiling water. do you understand?” like i’m so grateful for this man ensuring that I wouldn’t destroy my eyes by pouring boiling water in it, because it is an adequate assessment of my intelligence

this is a man who has experienced The Public

“Look at me”

“Babe are going to bed? How did you get under there???”

“Mreh!” >:(

“Oh, I’m sorry! G’night!”

I can tell myself all day, “be heartless, fuck em” but in all reality, I have a big ass heart, and can’t treat people bad, that’s just not me.

is this orange or yellow.

its yellow you are all wrong i have decided just now

hey op, what does this say?

nice try but i’m not colorblind it says 71

Am I tripping?

Is that not 71?

You’re slightly colorblind, that is 74 and the color of the car is orange.

world heritage post

Losing my mind over this post on r/NoStupidQuestions

do people on tumblr like. realize that friendships arent therapy

this is how yall end up going around calling every ex-friend your abuser. its nice for your friends to be able to drop everything for you when youre having a bad time, but its literally NOT mandatory. your friends should not have to ignore their own problems to fix yours. get some therapy.

as a friend, you are allowed to say “i would really love to help you right now, but i cant push back my own issues to help you. im going through my own problems right now, and thats what i need to focus on”. it is NOT selfish. you arent going to be of any help to the people you care about if youre in bad shape and not taking care of yourself. its only going to make you worse for wear.