The message is hidden between the lines

There are still parts of me

Who would rather be gone forever

But the parts who want to stay

Grow bigger every day

Still insecure

Still lost

But more found than ever

Life is full

Of events

Love

Surgery

Therapy

New places

New people

New work

Not in school anymore

It takes so much pressure off me

Missing my lover

Missing myself

And the calmness

I had

Before

The psychiatric ward

Broke something

Deep inside me

I hate being traumatised

I hate cPTSD

I hate struggling

And struggling

And struggling

Some more

I hate growing

I hate growing up

I hate realising how unsafe I really am

If a system that should support me

Is destroying me

And then there’s another psychiatric ward

Who is doing better

Way better

Who can actually help me

To start the

Tiring process

Of healing

Or at least

Not getting more wounds

Getting better is hard

Setbacks are hard

Feeling too broken to ever be able to be a part of society like it is expected sucks

Being scared of not being able to pursue my dream job

Being scared of going to school for it again

Scared to not be able to be myself at school

Well there is still time

And the safety of your arms

I’ve never loved so deeply so quickly

I miss you

And your calming presence

And I hope that some day

There will be

Forever

It’s hard to not be frustrated

With your need for calmness

With your need for quiet surroundings

Why can’t you just function anymore?

Why can’t I use you as I please anymore?

Why do you need a gentle touch?

I need to take care of you.

Why though?

Will I ever learn how?

Not to end up wherever

Whenever

Why do I always feel like it is my fault

When something doesn’t go my way?

I hate this

I hate the stress

And the worry

I hate it here

Can’t I go back

To not having to care about myself?

Why can’t I just care for myself?

Why is everything so damn hard?

Feeling stupid

Because I tried something new

Feeling stupid

Because my brain found it hard

Feeling stupid

Because why did I ask?

Feeling stupid

Because I’m more stressed than for exams

Feeling stupid

Because I’d rather hold a billion presentations

Then doing this again

If you try new things

You’re gonna fail

But failing feels like failing

Failing feels stupid

Because after you’ve failed

You know

That you won’t do it that way again

I want to be able to fail

Without beating myself up

But I feel so stupid

Will I ever be enough

For myself

The standard gets higher

Everyday

I reach a goal

Ooops that’s nearly a foul

Now

The standards evolve

Faster than myself

I could be sprinting

And

Wouldn’t reach myself

Can we not

Connect

In the middle

Open up space

To spent time with myself

And not trying to chase

Expectations

Held

Above

My own

Health

Just like talking

To you

Sleep well

And maybe we will meet

One day

Or in one week

And see where we take us

In this whirlwind of a world

We are gonna meet in two or three days

I like you a lottle.

It’s like a little except a lot.

I dream of cuddling into you

I love that you are taller than me

I am looking forward to meeting you

And showing you my town. :)

Will I ever be able to fully be myself?

Talk to someone about what I have been ashamed of since I can remember?

Can I get rid of the shame despite the societal stigma?

I now understand my identities better

And I understand why I was using certain labels in the past

But I don’t know how to talk about this to anyone

I am scared

Of being pushed away

Because for some people it is not ok

And some people can’t deal with it cause they don’t know how

And I should be able to talk about it

But I am scared

Sooo scared

I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore

But I really don’t know how to talk about it

I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me

And I don’t want anyone to feel pressured to do something they don’t want to do

But in the end it is a part of me

And it has never been healthy

To suppress parts of myself

There is a hole

In my heart

There is a hole

Like you have

And your uncle

What you did wrong

Is

Refusing to get help

And still there is this bond

We share the same trauma

Passed on through generations

Generational trauma sucks

And yours is not the only one I have

Also my grand grandmothers

And someone elses of her generation or older

And I am the one trying to

Work through it

And it sucks

And it hurts

I have a hole in my heart

Where your love and care

Should have been

I have a hole in my heart

Sometimes I feel like it is consuming me

Eating me up

Like a black hole

I have a hole in my heart

Because you could never

Be a parent to me

Because instead of protecting me

You hurt me further

Because instead of spending time with me

You drank and drank and drank

I still hate the smell of alcohol

I still hate meeting you randomly

In town

I hate seeing how hurt you are

I hate not being able to help you

Get yourself help please

But you won’t

And I am

Getting help

And it sucks

And it hurts

To work with it

Fuck you

Honestly

Sometimes I hate being myself

Because

I have a hole in my heart

And it hurts

My whole body aches for your touch

And I am not a being of bodily needs

But now I lie in bed

And dream of you

Touching me

And me touching you

Of my fingers in you

Of your fingers on me

Of your skin in my mouth

Of our tongues dancing in the rain

Of the smell of your body

And the feeling of your skin

Of you breathing in sharply

And my noises sounding through the rain

And I am glad you are never gonna read this

Cause it still feels weird to me

To want to touch your body more than anything

And I wonder how much being with you changed me

Or if you just bring out a side in me

That no one has ever seen before

I am thankful for you

And I want this to last forever

So one day we can look back and remember

How it all started

Loving you

Sometimes

I am

Confused

Because loving you

Doesn’t feel like a firework

More like waves crashing on the shore

Or leaves rustling in the wind

Or the sunset or the sunrise

More like the joy of creating art

That makes you feel something

More like reading a good book

And taking a new train

More like laying in the grass

And looking in the sky

More like daydreaming

Or watching documentaries

More like walks in the forest

And summer rain on the street

More like rainbows in the sky

Sometimes I am confused

Because loving you

Doesn’t feel loud or extatic

But calm and safe and like coming home

After a long tiring journey

But free and natural

Loving you feels simple

And good and with you

I feel free

And like I can be me

Lost

In a sea

Of grief

For a child

I could have been

If you weren’t there

Lost

In a sea

Of sadness

For the child

I could have been

If the world was more free

Lost

In a sea

Of sorrow

For the pain

I had to endure

In order to be me

Found

In a sea

Of loving

The person

I get to be today

Found

In a sea

Of love for

The person

That became

My girlfriend one week ago

Found

In a sea

Of trust

And touching hands

And lips on a chest

That isn’t mine

Found

In the feeling

Of coming home

Of trusting someone

Found

In the feeling

Of water

Surrounding me

Found

In her arms

In her heartbeat

In her stars

Found

In the joy

Of existing

As a goalkeeper

Found

In being safe

With her

Found

With her

In myself

Found and lost and proud and in love

From here

To there

To everywhere

And time goes on

Love grows

And there is a rose

A beauty

From the inside

In a way you can’t describe

Cause orchids and violets and pansies

Are me

And lavender

I stand for

Here we are still

So afraid

So in love

This year

We are afraid again

We ask

Did something happen?

We are relieved when nothing happened.

We have Malte in our memories.

Our families tell us

Be safe!

Again

And we are more afraid than ever

In my lifetime

And still much more safe

Than many winters ago

At least where I live

But we need to go

Especially in these times

We are scared

But maybe together

We feel safer

And can create a move

In a more inclusive and Safe

Direction

We stand united

As individuals

With the greatest differences

We stand united

As allies for each other

With allies to us

We stand united

As family

We need to stop our family fights

In order to create

One movement

For us

We are multiple

We stand united

As individuals

As long as we can

As long as we dare

And we‘ll still stand

Even when they burn us to the ground

Our resilience

Is an example

Of our strength

We stay here

Alive

As an organism

Of life

Let me finally die

Find my peace

Like an angel of the sea

Let me go

I don’t want all the pain anymore

My life is a miracle

I should be thankful that I am still here

But surviving leaves deep wounds

That may never heal

And remind me of the fact

That to the world

I am nothing

But broken

Messy

Wrong

Sinful

But I still live

Through the hate

The sorrow

The loss the fear

Still strong enough to wear nailpolish in town

Still open enough to talk to new people

Tomorrow I might die

But I still have today.

It’s so easy to give up

To not try again

When you‘ve already tried so many times before

It is tiring to try over and over and over again

But you have to

And sometimes it’s worth it.

It‘s okay to be tired

To not want to try again

To want to give up

But then the next day comes around

And you try again

Because you want to succeed more

Than you are tired

More than you are fed up

And more than you wanna give up.

It‘s not over yet

And we‘ll find our way out of here.

Sometimes

I can’t believe

That I

Of all people

Get to still live

Sometimes

I can’t believe

That

My life

Looks

Like this

That my friends

Stay

And that I get to love

Them

That I hab found a twin

And my way in life

That I have fun

Living

And that

I love

Therapy

That I get to experience

The growth

Of my favourite

Author

And explore new music

Meet people like me

Love a girl

And be patient

With me

That I get to own clothes

That I love

And that represent me

I am me

I am free

I am here

I do have existential fear

But I also have so much joy

And something wants

To get out

But I don’t know what

Except

I love you

And I hope

One day

We will

Meet

Again

And again

And again

Much love

ME

What I‘ve been through

How I‘ve grown

How strong I am

How much I have learned about myself

How I am somehow miraculously still alive

So many people died

So many people cried

So many people I loved

And so many who left

So many I miss

But so many who stayed

So many who prayed for me

So many who embrace me

So many who celebrate me

Still here

Still dear to my heart

Still open

Not bitter

With some glitter

And a lot of strength

And less

Fear

That keeps me from being me

Let’s stay

Together

Here

Technically

I don’t know

You could hate me

Or love me

Or anything in between

A month ago

I didn’t even know you

A month ago

You weren’t in my brain

Now I think of you

Every day

Not knowing

When we will talk

When we will meet

Am I idealising you?

I‘d like to find out

And I‘d like to hold you

In my arms

Lay close to you

And kiss you

I want to be there for you

And listen to you

And learn with you

But when

When will we meet?

So Reality can take over

My dreams.

I am always so scared

When you don’t answer a couple of days

That you have had enough of me

That you will ghost me

That I will never be able to hold your hand or kiss you

That I will never be able to cuddle you

And watch the stars with you

But I also hope

That you are just busy every time

That you will answer

That we will meet

And be good for each others

I hope that

One day

We will be

Lovers

And you wonder

Why am I

So direct

And I just want you to know

If I die tomorrow

That I loved you with all of my heart

And if you died tomorrow

I want you to know that you were loved

That’s why I say what I feel

Directly

That’s why I don’t wait

To tell you

I love you

Loving you feels like a warm hug

It feels like the pictures of the flowers I send you

It feels like a sunset at the sea

And like the stars in the alps

It feels free

Ich wünschte ich würde in deinen Armen einschlafen

Und in deinen Armen aufwachen

Ich wünschte ich wäre bei dir

Und du könntest meinen Körper erforschen

Ich wünschte wir könnten uns küssen und kuscheln

Doch die Zeit wird zeigen was für uns geht

Und ob ein frischer Wind für uns weht.

Being too much

And there is this feeling again

Of being too much

Loving too hard

Being too much

Sharing too much of my feelings

Falling too easily

Being too diverse

Loving too many different things

Being too much

Yet never enough

Of the right things

And when will someone

Come

Who can appreciate

Who I am

When will I not be too much anymore

Too sensitive

Too strong

Too ambivalent

Too contradictory

Too much

For you

For them

For teachers

Lovers

Parents

Friends

Coaches being the only ones

Who can appreciate

Me being a lot

Gives strength to the team

But even for teammates

I am too much

For the world I am

Too much

Too much

Just too much

Being too much