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St. Francis of Kansas

@francisofkansas-blog

Ya boiiiiiiii reviews shit,,,,,

[ID: a black and white line drawing comic made up of 6 images. image 1: two simple bust drawings of girls smiling at the viewer. the first is labeled “1″ in roman numerals. the second is labelled “9″ in roman numerals. they’re drawn in boxes, and their speech bubbles throughout this comic take the form of second boxes connected to the first with lines. girl 1 says “thanks for agreeing to meet us here for coffee!” girl 9 says, “we’re so excited to see you!” there is then a diagram of a small round table and two chairs, all the furniture dimensions listed. image 2: an image of a satellite and a station tower communicating. girl 9 says “we’ve always wanted to talk to an angel! I hope your trip down from heaven was ok?” girl 1 closes her eyes serenely. there is a complicated diagram of the internal elements of a coffee machine overlapping her. image 3: a diagram of how a bird achieves flight. girl 1 smiles widely and says, “we argue sometimes about how a higher dimensional being like you might perceive our reality…” a diagram of an espresso machine taken apart overlaps girl 9. image 4: girl 9 says, “she assumes that you’ll be able to see the truth of things all at once, with total clarity. But I was thinking that the torrent of information might actually be a little difficult for you to parse.” girl 1 looks unsure. a diagram of a bare tree overlaps girl 1. then there is a diagram of the parts of a chair. image 5: a diagram of a surge protector. a diagram of a telephone wire and how it connects to the side of a house. girl 1, who is smiling again, says, “but we didn’t ask you here to settle that argument. we have other questions for you!” a diagram of girl 9′s digestive system overlaps her image. image 6: a diagram of the water cycle. a diagram of the layers of the sun. a diagram of the parts of a bicycle taken apart. girl 9 smiles widely and says, “is it true that if you leave an angel feather on a high shelf overnight it will turn into a metal screw?” girl 1 says, “what does angel meat taste like fried in oil?” a diagram of soil layers. a diagram of squirrel anatomy. girl 9 says, “can you kill my boss for me? it’s ok to say no.” End ID]

typical journal entry: [anger] [mourning] [expressing joy over the mundane] [regret] [longing] [regret] [anger] [what i ate today] [crushing loneliness] [wishing my friends well] [single line of poetry] [anger] [mourning] [list of goals] [list of fears] [list of tasks to be done] [goodbye]

ranging from "this is the most hope ive ever had" to "i am certain i will never again experience meaningful closeness" in a matter of paragraphs

I really thought I was safe with him. That my heart was safe with him. I am tired of being wrong and I'm tired of trying to let myself reach out for love. I didn't want to close myself off and detach myself from the possibility of love. But I I done. I'm only this strong. I can't go through this again. What fucks me up the most is that even a guy like him, the way he is and the way he made me feel, can do this. Can at the end leave me so shattered. He was supposed to be one of the good guys. His and my souls, I thought, were made of the same stuff. I don't know if he gaslighted me or if I am gaslighting myself. And this is also such gaslighting in itself. But I can't believe that he was, that I was, that we were, as pure and precious and unfiltered and wholesome, as I believed. Because if we were? We would fight for this. Fuck that. Fighting comes later. We would begin with trying. Trying is the least we could do. So, then, I guess I did it again. I overestimated his feelings for me, I inflated my feelings for him, and I really gaslighted myself by thinking I would be okay at the end of this.