Why should Mr. Bullion keep growing his hair out?

This:

Am I right? 😏

I did a thread on Twitter and he liked it, so I hope he considers it 👀

No, I don’t take constructive criticism

THE WITCHER | 1.05 “Bottled Appetites”

your honor, they are gay 

This is like the 18631412th time I've drawn flowers on people

YENNEFER OF VENGERBERG (1173—)

(insp.)

hello tumblr for the bargain price of $6.66 i will present to you one of my Top 5 Most Embarrassing Childhood Misadventures 

Ok so here’s the setup. When i was like 7, my parents moved us into a house where my sisters and I shared the upstairs, which was split into two bedrooms. I got a separate room bc I was the most territorial the eldest. Both bedrooms had these weird little attached attic…space…things that were essentially unfinished closets. they were padded to the brim with this stuff:

i later found out the company that sells it had an advertising deal w/ the pink panther cartoons. that detail is completely unrelated to this story.

fyi that pink stuff is fiberglass insulation. my mom, presumably, at some point, almost certainly told me not to touch it, and that it contained crushed glass, and that I absolutely should not touch it, listen to me [deadname], look at me: the pink stuff is dangerous so do not touch it. 

i say presumably, bc i was unmedicated at the time and my hyperactive 7-year-old brain tended to filter out unnecessary information. 

also, in my defense, that stuff is fluffy. like it may contain glass, but soda bottles contain glass, and they don’t hurt to touch. and neither did this stuff! it was pretty soft actually. i would occasionally pat it with my bare hands while hiding in the dark swaying back and forth pretending i had been kidnapped and was being held hostage in the belly of a pirate ship and it was fine. so after awhile my brain just sort of put the pink stuff in the category of “don’t eat it or anything and you’ll probably be fine.”

i would later wish, above all wishes, that i had heeded my mother’s warning.

 ok that’s part one, i gotta go make breakfast

ok i had bantam bagels

PART 2

a pertinent detail about my bedroom attic: it had a crawl space. just a tiny little black tunnel that disappeared into the house beyond. i naturally, one day, became curious about where exactly it disappeared to. and how far.

my curiosity was compounded by the fact that the crawl space headed directly towards my sister’s bedroom. upon further reflection, it was very possible that the crawl space in fact connected both attics. 

i should at this point discuss my sisters’ bedroom attic. while mine was mostly used for storage and for sitting alone in the dark listening to scary radio shows that gave me nightmares my sisters had rather brilliantly decided to repurpose theirs into a clubhouse/Stuffed Animal Storage Facility. from what i had seen, it was stuffed to bursting with goddamn stuffed animals. it also had, i believe, a little tea table. and they had drawn on the walls. all in all, very makeshift and cozy.

i say “from what i had seen” because generally speaking, i wasn’t allowed in the Stuffed Animal Storage Facility. it was Their space, and of course there is not more territorial group of people that children of the age group 12 and under. Also, i was the least popular member of the household, except possibly for one of the hamsters. 

So the scene has been set: I am a 7-year-old delinquent who just so happens to be obsessed w/ espionage and bank robberies and I have discovered a secret tunnel from my bedroom to my sisters’ Forbidden Clubhouse.

i consider myself a victim of circumstance. the events that followed really wrote themselves.

OF COURSE I WENT INTO THE CRAWL SPACE

what possible other ending could this story have? one sunday afternoon when i had nothing better to do, i decided to test my hypothesis that i was narrow enough to fit into the itty bitty tunnel.

and i WAS! an ancient and world-weary 8-year-old couldn’t have done it, but i was just stick-like enough to manage. i strapped a flashlight to my wrist and got on my hand and knees and crawled through that fucker! this, it transpired, was a colossal undertaking, as i was only technically small enough to fit into the wall. there was very little additional room to, for example, bend my knees and elbows. i ended up propelling myself forward mostly by inching along with my toes & wiggling like an eel. it was not very effective!

i got stuck several times. i tried to go back several times. it turns out there is no feasible way to turn around in a tunnel that is exactly as wide and as tall as the width of your shoulders. in one of my darker moments (i was stuck behind the bathroom wall, probably quite close to the toilet) it occurred to me that i had no actual proof there would be an opening on the other end. this presented certain concerns. it turns out it is rather difficult to drag yourself backwards by your toes.

i persevered! propelled by panic and (most of all) a lack of other options. 30 minutes and 10 yards later, i confirmed there was indeed an opening on the other end, which did indeed open into my sisters’ attic, because i was indeed a veritable genius. 

it was at this point i discovered my sisters were not in their bedroom. they had, in fact, at some point decided to go downstairs. meaning i would not be able to burst out of the attic to the shock and astoundment of all bystanders. 

i waited patiently for almost an entire minute. and then, observed only by the glossy plastic eyes of a hundred passionless plush toes, i tiptoed quietly away and hobbled back to my bedroom. 

This was, naturally, the beginning of the most woeful, misery-filled fortnight of my short and sorry life.

#I HONESTLY THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE THE LAST PART  #SHIIIIIIT  #i am regretting this! i am regretting committing to this!  #…for one final payment of $6.66 i will do my utmost to finish this is a single last installment i swear#i’m flabbergasted and truly apologetic that this is so long i don’t know why i’m like this#i hope someone somewhere is enjoying this post bc it is much too long-winded for my liking#i am really hoping there is only one part left this was NOT supposed to be a 4 part post#for those dying to know i will give you a hint about how it ends#hint: EXACTLY HOW YOU WOULD EXPECT there are no surprises just my dumb ass reaping my sorry itchy desserts

Men.... Dress a little bit more slutty this summer...

Where a crop top, show some ass.... it's time...

Maybe not THIS summer

2020's Thotstravaganza might be postponed, stay tuned, but don't like it stop you from showing some ass inside the safety of your home

Men....wear your masks.... use hand sanitizer... that's the real sexy thing to do...

I mean. Technically whether you're showing some ass or crop tops don't effect COVID risk. Crop top, ass out, mask on, hands washed!

did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit

he used praypal

bella was lucky she didn’t have a cell phone of any kind because you know ya boi edward would be blowing up that phone 24-7 going “saw a snail today…. effervescent” or some shit equivalent

Posts that changed the timeline

scandalous

 i will reblog this as many times as it takes me to stop finding this funny

i actually cannot breathe

I owe my body so many apologies

and my mind as well

And my heart.

my SOUL, chile