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Chey

@fl0recentad0lecent

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inkskinned

i know i shouldn’t read comments on things, but there’s this really common idea i see a lot that rape is just “when a woman regrets having sex with someone”.

something about this logic is really pervasive and comfortable for people: if the majority of claims are just women overreacting to consenting situations, it makes the world a safer place. it lets people believe that there is an equal amount of power in play: that women can “cry rape” when things go wrong.

and i wonder who started that idea, because virtually no one i have ever spoken to who has regretted consensual sex described it as rape. in fact, many people i spoke to who regretted sex ended up telling me a story that did sound like rape or sexual assault, but they considered consensual: “i was drunk it was my fault” “i only said yes because he was being scary” “he pressured me into it” “i agreed because it was easier than disagreeing” “she was my older babysitter what else was i going to do?” and in the end most of these people don’t like talking about it, because they feel a deep shame and guilt about it, haunted by this notion that they made the mistake, not the other person.

and i think: who does this idea benefit. if you can shut down any claim with “you just regretted it” who does that idea protect? 

it’s an entirely scary thought, but i wonder how many people walk around with the idea that the rape they committed was perfectly consensual. how many people write off any accusations against them as just “regret” or “jealousy” or the good old fashioned “witch hunt.” i wonder how many people have no idea that what they did was an act of violence, nor will they ever.

when people tell me “oh, it’s just a woman who regrets having sex,” i often feel it’s important to ask them: why would someone regret having sex? and at this point, the answers get muddy. oh, she was drunk. he was ugly and his partner didn’t notice. it turns out that many of these answers lead up to situations where a power structure was at play, or liquor, or manipulation, or discomfort. 

i just wonder. exactly how much of this is a conscious choice to belittle a violent act because otherwise, a lot of people have to look at the reality of their actions.

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blazeofgold-deactivated20190921
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isilence-blog1

girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it’s cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

oh yeah young girls who self-objectify/downplay their own intelligence as a result of internalised misogyny need to be violently punished…..

Source: isilence
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n-ctophilia

if ur gonna date me u gotta be comfortable with a lot of casual silence bc i just never fucking talk

I swing wildly between never shutting the hell up and turning into a stump

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inkskinned

I don’t know, my favorite was always witch weather. That moment that in a gust of wind or in the rumbling sky or at the edge of a fog bank where suddenly, you feel different. A restlessness, a sense of longing for a place that does not exist. I don’t know if anyone else has felt the electric tense changing of that moment. It calls the magic to your skin. For a moment, you feel ancient and powerful and lonely, as if you forgot something important. Witch weather. For some reason, in that wild instant: you remember you are alive, and that means some part of you belongs to the everlasting.

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inkskinned

alright don’t be mad but. i never read the great gatsby. i know i was supposed to. yes, it was assigned to us. i even know, more or less, what happens in the book. technically, i wrote an essay about it, i think, once or twice. 

at the time, i hadn’t read any book assigned to me. ever. it wasn’t that i didn’t like to read. i loved reading. but homework took place in a function of my brain that i couldn’t access. i would sit in libraries or at my desk and just. not do my homework. i spent hours like this, days like this, years like this. just not doing what was assigned to me, no matter the consequences, no matter how badly i wanted to be doing it. i just wouldn’t. and i wouldn’t go to class because i didn’t want to deal with the fact i didn’t do the homework. and then i wouldn’t get the homework. so i didn’t do it.

i remember realizing while i was doing college applications that i had actually, real-life fucked up. that it was permanent, what i had done. that i had a C- of an average and no future to look rosy at. and i still couldn’t make myself do things. i tried to submit applications only to realize i’d shoved off the date to the very last moment. and i was fucked.

it takes me three years and two transfers and three new starts before i am actually real-life trained how to study, how to read, how to enjoy being assigned things. 

and i watch parents of my students yell at students for being the same person i was six years ago: screaming at an A-, confused at skipped classes, punishing missed homework. and these students don’t have an answer. they just don’t do things. even if they want to. and they look at me, confused and defeated and without an answer for their parents. “i just can’t,” i hear a lot, and i understand.

parents don’t like “executive dysfunction” as a reason. “anxiety” and “depression” are often misdiagnosed as “procrastinating” and “lazy”. kids just learn they’re like this. that they’re always going to be. that it’s their fault, permanently. they are surrounded by books they didn’t read. and it doesn’t feel good. it feels like suffocating.

today i started “the great gatsby.” i promise. one day, it’ll feel easy.

a lot of people have been asking me: okay, thanks, i’m glad to know other people feel this, but how the hell do i stop feeling this.

the truth is, i wanted to write a tip sheet that went with this post but didn’t have the focus for it for a few days. it is really challenging for me to talk about what i learned, because i had to learn so fucking much before i was able to handle my shit. and i still don’t always handle it. no matter how many of these lists i make, there’s always going to be something new i learn or need.

everything i do, everything that helps? it helps me. it isn’t always certain, it isn’t always things everyone has access to. my mental illnesses and how they influence me are mine and as a result, a lot of what helps me is specific to my experiences. i’ve written a few posts about like, how to do schoolwork etc. as someone with mental illness, but this is just… stuff that helped me even start doing all that homework. i just want to say if you read this and try everything and none of it works? we have different bodies and brains. don’t give up.

so, “how the fuck.”

  • first of all, that part where i said 3 years and 2 transfers? that wasn’t a joke. through the entire 3 years, i was trying to recover. by the end of 3 years, i was recovered enough that i had good coping mechanisms and was ready to keep recovering as i moved forwards. i was not healed. but i did see a therapist and get my *official diagnosis* and like. have enough of a base of mental health that i could start focusing on academics. the truth of the matter is, if you’re just trying to fucking survive, you’re not ever going to have enough executive function to like. do excellently. you can’t. you’re a human person and if you’re fighting a mental illness, it takes a ton of energy. so give yourself a break.
  • there is such a thing as just bein’ lazy. how do you know if it’s “executive dysfunction” instead? bein’ lazy doesn’t make you feel bad. it might make you feel guilty, but it doesn’t make you feel bad. Exec. dysfunction feels like there’s a goblin in your stomach and your limbs are trapped in barbed wire and your brain is full of electric cotton. it feels physically uncomfortable, and what you end up doing instead of what you want to do is something you don’t want to be doing. when it kind of feels like you’re trapped? like you don’t even want to be distracted but you are? when watching netflix or whatever makes you feel sick? that’s my pal executive dysfunction. 
  • a basic schedule fucking works and i hate that, i hate that “eat well and get sleep!!!!!” is actually true; but i have found that when my energy level is constant, i have the energy for schoolwork. again, if your body isn’t healthy, your mind can’t spend the extra effort on academics. so like. get one. it sucks. i know it sucks. at one point i needed two hours of exercise plus half a sleeping tab before i could go to sleep. my schedule for the day didn’t have enough time for food, so i had to plan out all 3 meals for the next day, and if i missed one or it got ruined i was shit out of luck. this is a lot of fucking effort for someone who is mentally ill. that’s a ton of self-care. if you can’t do that stuff??? i totally get it. 
  • write things down. everything. anything. have a list for literally every single small thing you might need to do. i had a rule that i have to “touch” at least half my list. it’s okay if you don’t finish the list. it’s okay if you don’t finish the thing you touched. but touch it.
  • see a therapist if you can. yes, it’s great if you can talk to your friends, but your friends should be friends and not your therapists. therapists have a degree for a reason. most colleges offer a free therapist. a lot of cities have group meetings or community meetings for mental health. look it up and take it seriously. also, just because your first therapist “doesn’t work” doesn’t mean none will. i know someone who it took her 23 therapists before she found one that really helped her. i had success on my first therapist. this doesn’t mean my friend was more unhealthy or i was less mentally ill; it was just our personalities and where we were in our recovery - i entered therapy basically saying “i’m fucking tired of this and at this point will do anything to end it”, she was forced into it from a young age and found it difficult to trust therapists. both of us are happier now!
  • don’t… trust tumblr. i know this is ironic bc this is a post i’m asking you to trust but don’t trust tumblr. one post like the one above might help you figure out “oh i have that symptom” but it does not mean you have that disorder. i’m not saying “don’t self-diagnose” i’m saying, do your research. executive dysfunction sucks but it comes from a lot of different mental illnesses. for a long time i thought it was because i have depression. it’s also because i have adhd. i didn’t realize. this is also part of getting help - your conditions might be more complicated than you realize, because you’re too close to the situation. just… think about it like. if you have a fever, you go onto webmd. just bc webmd tells you that you’ve got a second brain doesn’t mean you do - if you add in your other symptoms, if you see a doctor, if you keep track of what helps and doesn’t - it might turn out that fever was actually showing that you have two hearts instead. think of tumblr as a good resource for recognizing potential problems, but not an accurate diagnostic machine. use google scholar. look things up.
  • try fucking anything and everything. yoga? i actually don’t mind it but i don’t like it as a workout bc it hurts my hands. kale shakes? uh i guess it counts as breakfast. yes, it’s annoying and terrible sometimes. but try it. never stop looking for things to try. it gives you hope, and we live off of hope.
  • sublimation is the most effective coping mechanism. sublimation is the act of taking a negative emotion or situation and creating something from it. be it ugly art or a poetry blog who gives out unasked for advice on mental health or cooking or acting - find something you can put it “into”. and put it there. stop focusing on perfection and focus on just…. getting it out.
  • find small projects that make you feel good. a lot of people talk about ‘oh once you’ve started something it works!’ but i mean. find a project that is just for you. like reading the great gatsby. it was a small portion of my day, it wasn’t mentally taxing, it was just. something for me to read once in a while. and finishing it feels good.
  • starting is always the hardest part. bribery helps. extortion helps. keyboard smashing helps. but start.
  • recognize what’s helping you and what’s hurting you. yeah, partying might be a lot of fun. but if it’s become a source of anxiety and shame and uncontrolled behavior, it’s not helping. if you’re in the wrong degree program, no amount of good organization will help you. if your heart isn’t in it, your brain won’t be. just because someone swears by bullet journals doesn’t mean that’s how your brain works. figure out how you organize, how much social interaction you need, and what you need to give up to feel balanced and healthy. sometimes the answers surprise you.
  • don’t skip class just don’t literally so many things are solved when you show up to class, even if you, like me, are the kind of person that hates confrontation and has avoidant anxiety.
  • i fucking hate working out in a gym how do human beings do that? i really like programs like blogilates or dancing or that kind of workout. yes, i know, i know, how many people tell you “oh working out helps!!!!!” okay cool jan but i can’t get out of bed so step one, failed. but if you don’t have this idea you’re “working out” it feels better and less annoying to show up to. and it does help energy levels and sleep. a lot of colleges have free fitness classes. take them. meet people. 
  • speaking of which, join clubs. try out for clubs. apply for workstudies. meeting people helps and having a community helps.
  • i get “stuck.” like if i have 2 things to do, i choose neither of them, which fucking sucks. like i’ll be like “i have to go to the bathroom, but i want to get started on my hw”. sometimes i feel like i have to specifically do ONE THING before i can start what i need to do, but not have the right “energy” for it. what usually helps is doing a third, unrelated thing. like “okay im not capable of standing up to go to the bathroom rn but i am capable of getting up for coffee.” you’d be surprised how often the answer is “fine i’ll do something else.”
  • i have a “cut the shit” place. a place where i don’t let any distractions in. i also don’t use my bed for anything but sleep. this sounds really organized but i often have to move my bed around and change my “cut the shit” place. 
  • i personally cannot have free time. if i have free time, i find myself slacking because the idea “i can wait” bangs around in my head. i hyper-schedule myself because if i only have 15 minutes between classes, i’m constantly in a state i just need to get stuff done. you know how you procrastinate until the anxiety gets so strong u gotta just do it? yeah. i don’t give myself time to procrastinate. tbh this isn’t healthy but i used anxiety to balance out my depression. why not use the shitty hand ive been dealt to my benefit. i knew my ocd wanted things to be perfect, but my depression didn’t care. so like. use ocd’s panic to start something, use depression to make sure i don’t obsess about it. it’s kind of like using one poison to cancel out another and it has gone badly before, i just worked until i got good at it.
  • for some reason, when i realized “it has to get done whether or not i start it now or later” my life got a lot easier. idk why this like. cancelled a lot of procrastination. but realizing i need to do it now bc it will get done and i don’t want to be awake until 6AM doing it…. helped. again, this was having a really tight schedule. but another part of it is having a task/situation that i hated the idea of even more, which worked.
  • “i can’t fucking get out of bed you bitch”. yeah me neither some days. that’s why i got a note from the doctor confirming a medical condition. i also constantly plan for when this happens. you know that rush of really organized behaviors at the start of the year? i work ahead of myself so when i eventually shut down, i don’t fall as far behind. i also have noticed that the days i take off can make it worse, not better. so i have like. a rule. i spend 1 hour out of bed. that’s enough time for me to shower, get dressed, and put on makeup. a lot of days, that’s enough inertia that i keep moving. some days i literally. just sit on the floor for an hour and then go back to fucking bed. that’s okay.
  • “no for real your hour rule doesn’t work when i can’t leave my bed” honestly get a plant, a fish, a dog, something living you feel responsible for. i can’t take care of myself. i know that. but i will feel bad if i don’t take care of the things im responsible for. bad enough that i get out of bed. i will say that if your depression + mental illness is so bad that you will let a fish/other living animal die - you need outside help and no tumblr listicle will help you. i don’t mean that to be mean, i don’t mean that to be harsh or like “lmao i can’t help you.” i mean that as someone who has been there, who was so completely unresponsive and shut down that i couldn’t. fucking care. about anything. i really relied on the support i was given. my friends + family picked up the slack i was dragging and basically carried me and my helpless little body until it passed. there’s no shame in that. but there is a point that you need to recognize: i’m not capable of doing this on my own. reach out. you’d be surprised how many people reach up.
  • you will survive it. like …. more than you realize. and each time you do, each time you walk out of it, each time you hit the bottom? it gets easier. i know everyone says that in a feathery tone, this wispy promise but like. it does? just in the same way the first time you rode a bike you needed help and couldn’t do it without training wheels. just like how it took you a while to learn how to balance. how you can still fall down on your bike if something sudden happens, how sometimes even professional bikers need help. but it does get easier. i’ve been at the bottom so much that if we’re following my bike metaphor i am at the point i’m practically doing stunts on that thing.
  • do. the. research. i already said it but i’ll say it again. do it. look up what helps. research dbt/cbt. don’t just follow this list, follow self-help books and youtube videos and anything that promises it could help. the worst situation is that you need a different tactic. but more commonly, even 1 little bit of help you get …. is help. and that makes it worth it. 
  • live. breathe. keep living. you’ll get where you’re going, even if you’re taking the slow road. just keep walking.
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poetbitesback
wandering another wasteland, Persephone, are you still a queen when captive? is it still a world worth living in when everything  your mother ever gave you  lays dead above your crowned head?

what is a Goddess if not just another girl trapped  somewhere she doesn’t want to be? || O.L. (via poetbitesback)