It’s a mood.

The hand that feeds

I did another thing, I’m alive and mostly well.

Yupyup

4/30/17

Can I cash in my good karma somewhere? Because I could really use a boost right about now.

1/11/17

I've decided to go back on my ADD medication. To which they make me not eat anything, and put in a depressive state. I just want a buddy here to help me. But I need more than a buddy. Alone I am here afraid of commitment because the present is not a golden as the feature. Even though i do not know what the feature is. Better isn't always better. I want to live life but have to be trapped in confines of my brain. Depression anxiety an over active sex drive. Not a great combo, and to top it off i haven't eaten in a day. I need someone to satisfy me. But I also need to satisfy someone. And right now I'm doing both myself. Hoping it gets better soon.

Hurt 10/19/16

Its 2:30 i have class in 7hrs and all my brain can do is tell me that I'll be alone. I'm hurting over the mistakes I made. And how unforgiving the consequences are. Alone no one to call mine, no one to hold or care for. Now I'm afraid to look my friends in the eye because they may know what sin I've done. ((It's not illegal) but frowned upon.) no one but my roommates really talk to me in person. I have a few friends I can talk to but no one i can really just go all out with especially not at 2:30 am. I want to run away, go to a different school. I want to know love again but am to afraid of the pain and memories that come with it. Or how will i be able to commit? I want to go out. But afraid to commit. And it pains me to no end. I'm a coward. A lonely coward. I want to live life with no regrets, but it seems like everyday is a regret somehow. I want to run and hide, knowing I really need to stay and fight. I am an introverted extrovert who needs a big pick me up . But until then, i'll be here slowly killing myself mentally.

Wall 9/5/16

I've built a wall around my heart, cause it's too open. I wear it on my sleeve, where it gets burnt, torn, dirty, but I don't like this wall because it's not me. I wore my heart on my sleeve because it was something that I did. Now I don't know. I want to be open but that doesn't end well, it ends with me being committed and trapped. And that scares me. I want to be love and be free. Celebrate the world. And this wall I'm building needs to be more of a chain mail, safe from slashes but can still get stabbed.. I don't know. All I know is I've brought myself into a predicament and don't know how to leave it. But I'll manage.

Life 8-29-16

That moment you get a call from the police because your friend is concerned for your wellbeing is a call you probably don’t get often. You see I had what I believed to be is a prolonged panic attack and I was slowly loosing my mind. So I vented to a friend. She called me because my texts weren’t all that great sounding. But I guess I wasn’t convincing enough. I have those days, just hating life, tired, sick, I messed up on a speech about myself. That’s what set me over. I’m ok now just letting you know. I’ve gotten over my cold and I’m doing better in general. Still trying to find a girl, but for now lonely I’ll be. Talking to you, blank wall. I’m not even sure people read this. But this is my update :} I’m alive and will live as long as I have a heart and a head I’ll be here.

Give up

I want. Love Peace Happiness And above all a partner. But I can't because I'm a coward afraid, says the wrong things because he is scared. Maybe I give. I can't take all this shit anymore. Suicide is never an option for me, it's too messy and it generally sucks the fun out of everyones day. I want to go up and talk but what do i say now. I lost my chance and have to work back up to where i was at the start. I'm alone. Forever alone. Doomed to say the least. I give up. My world is a mess, and fixing it doesn't seem possible right now.