Have a little AU that randomly appeared in my head during grocery shopping today.

Gideon has finally escaped from the Ninth. She's enlisting in the Cohort. Her photograph is being taken for her new recruit file!

Except the facial recognition thing alerts on her, and suddenly she's being locked in a cell on suspicion of being Commander Awake Remembrance Of These Valiant Dead.

Gideon is still trying to process the disbelief of going from one cell to another when the door opens and the actual freaking Saint of Duty walks in and tells her she's his daughter, which seems unlikely, but hey, they both have red hair and muscles, and more imortantly, Harrow is going to throw a fit when she hears about this, so nice to meet you, dad!

G1deon immediately takes his assumed child to meet Jod and his fellow Saints, which very quickly results in no more fellow Saints.

A very depressed Jod tries to play house as a family unit of what he calls "Daughter, godfather and god-father". Gideon almost wants to go back to the Ninth.

As Jod is seriously short on Lyctors now, he sends out the recruitment letters. Gideon, who has been traumatised seeing her dad stick hs tongue down the throat of the real life inspirations for her magazines, asks to be allowed to go supervise.

And so the Nine Houses receive letters informing them that their Emperor has a daughter and she's going to guide them all on the path to Lyctorhood!

Harrow, who isn't handling the loss of her codependent rival/crush very well is a devout daughter of her House is ecstatic at the chance to show Griddle that she DOESN'T need her restore her House to glory.

She arrives at Canaan House determined to prove that she doesn't think about Gideon at all the Ninth House is as proud and faithful as ever. Her skull paint is intricate. Her posture is regal. Her whole being is cloaked in an air of mystery. She will make a good impression on the sacred Crown Prince.

Her Divine Highness enters.

It's Gideon fucking Nav.

Only the combined efforts of all other House Heirs narrowly stops the Reverend Daughter of the Ninth House from strangling the Crown Prince.

Pyrrha Dve immediately begins to plan the wedding.

Sometimes I wonder if it wasn’t just that Pyrrha saw Wake and thought of Gideon. Maybe Gideon saw Wake and thought of Pyrrha too. 

btw this is the most important piece of pre-resurrection lore. pyrrha dve said dont do drugs kids! 

Happy Father's Day to guys who style themselves as God and make catholicism woke and dads who are secretly hiding inside the body of their best friend after dying and to dads who are leaders of a resistance cell and nickname their children "bomb" and to Augustine I guess because he was there too.

pyrrha dve sees an older female tertiary character, asks, “Is anyone going to flirt with that MILF?” and doesn’t wait for an answer

ships that could possibly go canon in alecto from least to most cursed

hey was palamedes concerned that pyrrha was gonna fuck his mom. jokes on him juno was too busy pulling a blood of eden wing commander. 

I really hated this girl in my class and we kept exchanging notes with various threats of violence on them but then on a Zoom call I saw that she kept a bunch of them pinned on her wall with little hearts around them and I got the biggest crush on her after that.

I’ve decided to release the idea that I’ll ever finish this one, sorry gang. I just can’t make it work. I still want to fool around with three harrow/pieta thing but I’m letting this iteration go.

Sweet Adeline-singing motherfucker

What the fuck happened to the rest of his barbershop quartet

Remember if you’re out at a store and someone says “This is a robbery” you can say “no it’s not” and then the robber will leave because theyre a robber and this is no longer a robbery .

You can not just say this without dropping the whole story

Ok so,

My dads coworker is at the front and this man comes Up and hands him a document.

The coworker took a Look at the document and while he couldn't read the things written by Hand, because he wasn't wearing his glases, he did notice the Logo of a different Bank so he's like:

"Oh, sorry sir you can't do that here! You have to go to the other Bank for this :)"

The man, visibly confused leaves, but dosen't take the document with him.

The coworker, now just as confused as the Guy actually Takes Out his glases and reads the hand written part:

This is a robbery

Can you imagine trying to rob a god damn bank and the teller just cheerfully tells you to go rob the competition instead

I worked as a bank teller for several years and a few things you should know, bank robberies happen far more frequently than you might think and they come in waves. When a bank gets robbed a notification with photos goes to all banks in the area to be on the lookout. And there are two kinds of robbery, the pass the note and the takeover (what you see in movies).

So our branch had had a big takeover robbery as well as a note one. We also had a teller that had transferred to our branch after having been through a robbery. She was sweet as apple pie, hair up to the ceiling, southern lady who had just been through multiple robberies.

A guy comes in and hands her a folded note. Her immediate thought was “this guy needs to learn you don’t hand bank tellers notes. I am just not going to read that.” So how the conversation goes:

Her: how can I help you today?

Him: I’m here to get money

Her: great *hands him a withdrawal slip*

Him: all the information is on the paper

Her: to process the transaction I need you to put it on my piece of paper

SO HE FILLS OUT A WITHDRAWAL SLIP. Meanwhile another coworker is looking at her latest robbery notification email thinking the guy at the window looks a lot like him but the teller is calm and seems to be following standard transaction.

Back at the window the teller notices his name on the withdrawal slip doesn’t match the name on the account so she asks for his ID. He once again tells her all the relevant info is on the folded note but also gives her his ID and says it is his dad’s account. She tells him he will need a check from his dad to get cash. He grabs the note and leaves.

ONE HOUR LATER

Two new robbery notifications hit our emails, both branches within a mile. It is our guy. Teller goes over to the manager and sheepishly informs them he was here and the time. Security department is notified as are local police and the FBI. The FBI comes over believing that these poor tellers had been robbed for the 3rd time in a month and take her statement. She is completely embarrassed telling them how everything went down and he kept signaling to the note and telling her to read it but she was just done.

To which this FBI agent of 40 years who has been to the scene of many bank robberies (several at this branch in recent weeks) says: Ok. Let me see if I got this right, he came in fully intending to rob you. He gave you the note and you just…refused to read it? So he left and went to the bank literally across the street, handed them the exact same note, and they just handed him five grand? Do I have that correct?”

Her: I am so embarrassed

FBI: this is best thing I have ever heard. He even handed you his ID! Holy-

Her: I feel so dumb!

FBI: don’t! This is the best thing I have ever heard. This is going to be in training courses. (He sat there giddy for at least 5 more minutes)

I have a similar story from my friend Fred, who is a great human and I like him lots.

He was working at a 7-11 that got robbed a lot, working nights. And he was bored and read though his entire contract and learned if you're shot at work you get $200,000. Also, he hated his boss and the job.

So when a guy came in to rob him at gunpoint he got excited and was able to hatch the plan he had been pondering while dealing with a Shitty Boring Job.

"Dude. Shoot me in the leg. Right here- it'll go through and not hit anything vital and I'll be able to quit this fucking job. I'll give you fifty fucking grand to shoot me in the leg then you can take everything in the register."

This ended with him chasing the weeping attempted burglar out of his store screaming "SHOOT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD I WANT THE MONEY".

@rmilkies

One of my uncles was a branch manager at a local bank when I was a kid. His branch had the dubious honor of being one of- if not the- most robbed bank in the area. There was a bullet hole in the wall behind his desk where he'd been shot at once.

One day, this guy came in and announced he was there to rob the place. This man was smoking a cigar with one hand and had a gun in the other.

My uncle pointed at the "No Smoking" sign and told him in no uncertain terms, "Put that cigar out, or finish it outside first."

This guy, bless his heart, went back outside to finish his cigar.

My uncle locked the door behind him and waited for the cops to show up.

no bitch has ever gone as hard as commander wake, actually. like:

like. that's already genuinely insane behaviour! and that's only stuff that happens before book one!

because then your soul is so bitter and determined and angry that you somehow hold onto your bones for a VERY long time and you don't go insane, and then you end up in a sword for literal decades and you still don't go insane, and then some mega necromancer gets hold of The Sword With You In It and you hate her so much you can make her projectile vomit just by being near you- and, again, you are a ghost inside a sword at this stage-

also you simultaneously haunt the necromancer's brain and fuck up her attempts to rewrite history by being like 'what if i was there and also i had a gun. what if that.' and you're so hard to kill that they have to summon the ghost of the coolest bestest big boy soldier who ever lived just to try and step to you.

and also you got the necro to stab a body so you can puppet the corpse around a spaceship, which you use mostly to try and kill lyctors (and, also, to try and fuck)

also, you canonically named yourself after 'lose yourself' by eminem.

"but when i am in heaven i will remember your mouth, and when you roast down in hell i think you will remember mine" is such a beautiful line but it's made even better by the fact that it's said by a vengeful ghost named after an eminem song haunting the brain of a lobotomized lesbian nun

fifth-absorbs-the-ninth!au from abigail's perspective as she slowly realises that a) the ninth is being run by half a dozen pensioners and a traumatised preteen; b) the only other preteen on the planet is apparently both their indentured servant (bad) and the first preteen's emotional support chew toy (bad??); c) the cavalier primary is a great poet and a terrible cavalier (sidenote: abigail would fucking LOVE ortus did you sEE her husband??!?!); d) this place is haunted as FUCK including by a vengeful milf; and e) these children need a parent ASAP

cut to abi and magnus trying to surreptitiously adopt the two most feral children they've ever seen without spooking them and also ortus

[Gideon Font: (623): Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.]

[Jod Font: (508): Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?]

john: starting to realize my life is just a cringe compilation....

mercymorn: (sobbing) i don't understand the words you say, lord.

Vegans of tumblr, listen up. Harvesting agave in the quantities required so you dont have to eat honey is killing mexican long-nosed bats. They feed off the nectar and pollinate the plants. They need the agave. You want to help the environment? Go back to honey. Your liver and thyroid will thank you, as well. Agave is 90% fructose, which can cause a host of issues. Bye.

So let me get this straight ,vegans should stop eating the food of the Mexcian long-nosed bats, because the bats need it, and instead vegans should instead eat honey, the food of bees, that their larvae need, even though the bee populations are facing ecological issues as it stands.  10/10 post, dude.

Did you forget the whole part where only excess is taken and all their needs are met and then some orrrr?

Like, did you read it orrrrr?

Anyway, BUY HONEY SAVE BEES

It is a 10/10 post. Because OP is right.

Bees do not suffer when beekeepers take their honey, because experienced beekeepers do not take all of their honey, in fact, they leave plenty of honey left for the bees to consume over the winter. If we do not collect their honey, 1 of two things will happen.

1. they will leave for a bigger home. Which at first seems fine until you remember that bees are dying very quickly out in the wild.

or

2. They will start using the areas that they reserve for their young as a place to make more honey. This is bad because if no more young are being produced, then the hive will start to die out because no new workers are coming into the world, and the average live only 150 days, so it would also mean the loss of more bees.

So yeah, eating honey isn’t inhumane at all. In fact, you’re helping the bees by eating what they produce and giving money to the bee keepers who are the ones making sure that the hive will keep being healthy.

LOUDER FOR THE VEGANS IN THE BACK: use honey, not agave! Bees need your support and other animals need agave! Using honey means more bees!!

Other animal products that are absolutely fine to use because they produce it in excess:

- Wool. Sheep need to be sheared or their wool will get excessively large, matted and gross. Its legit just a haircut. Calm down and use wool instead of whatever fake acrylic microplastic shit they have in stores now. Wool is super warm, insulating, and guess what! It grows back! Its a renewable resource and all the sheep want in return is some good pasture and protection from predators.

- Eggs. I’m not talking about storebought eggs. Go to your local farmer’s market. Find someone around with chickens/ducks. These birds produce eggs literally every day and will not stop unless they are molting, brooding, or kept in the dark for most of the day. Like I am not joking when I say you can very easily find someone with poultry and they will beg you to take some eggs. Theres so many. Please. Take some duck eggs. I dont want them. I had 8 laying ducks last year. Thats 8 eggs every day. Thats 2 dozen eggs every THREE DAYS. Thats SO MANY EGGS PLEASE TAKE SOME EGGS

Reducing animal cruelty does not mean abolish the use of animal products. Go eat honey. Go use wool. Go find a friend with birds and eat eggs, or get your own. Just because it comes from an animal does not make it cruel.

Since the TLT fandom has collectively decided that Gideon in modern AU fics plays rugby (the combination of NZ and lesbian really does make it the obvious choice), here are the positions of various characters

Bonus characters who would not play but still get a position:

I raise you this: Harrow is the ball