UPDATE

Butternut 

I haven’t spoke at length to FG about it, but it is unlikely we will continue to blog on Tumblr. While our content has taken a turn toward more PG to PG-13 things over the last couple of months, I for one can’t bring myself to continue to use a platform changing it’s policies to reflect the puritanical, misogynistic, and transphobic views pervading American society. We haven’t discussed whether we will continue to publicly share our lives elsewhere, but if we do, we will post a new link. 

I have really grown to love this place. I am on Tumblr nearly daily and have been an active Tumblr user on and off for eight years. I’m sad to have to leave a platform that has taught me so much, given me so much joy and entertainment and has helped me connect with others and share my love of Farm Girl. 

As of right now, I do not plan to post much more. I have ripped all of our NSFW images and stored them elsewhere for us to be able to enjoy privately in the future as well as other important posts we want to keep. When the change happens, I expect we will set our account to private so we can still visit our blog and enjoy the photos, but I don’t want to give Tumblr the benefit of traffic brought by the images I own and have taken. 

Thank you for all the support you’ve given us. We will still likely visit until the change happens (at least) and will read messages and asks sent to us. 

(Farm Girl)

I haven't been engaged in Tumblr nearly as long as Butternut, but it's been a hugely formative and supportive experience. Finding enthusiasm, sharing joy, expression, and identity has been a liberating experience for me, and apparently even an inspiring experience for others (even as I still have a hard time believing I merit that kind of attention). I will really miss this and hope we find something else. You all have been a part of this journey and story, and I'm so grateful for all of it. Most of all to Butternut, for their unwavering support, encouragement, and invitation.

I second Butternut's philosophical critique of the new Tumblr. We all know there are gross pornbots here. It's the internet. But that's a fraction of a percent. This has been a bastion for all forms of self love, erotic expression, and identity, particularly LGBTQ+ identity. I can't really support what amounts to a puritanical whitewashing of who we are. Much love to all of you and we'll keep creating beautiful communities to be ourselves.

Butternut

Today was a “lumpy day”. Farm Girl and I have both been struggling along. Depression sucks! Chronic pain sucks! And so we spent the day giving each other hugs and apologizing for being lumpy and giggling about our mutual apologies.

But I think-I know-these are the days we are going to look back on when we are old and gray and reminisce about. The day FG taught me how to change my oil and rotate my tires. The day we watched Lilo and Stitch and snuggled and baked and gave away old coats from the front porch. The days we made it through together and in love.

Team Lump 4 Lyfe!

Thanksgiving

(Farm Girl)

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, and it's been a good one. It's been a wild ride for me the past few weeks since coming out, and I've got so much I'm grateful for. First off, props to the Bon Appetit staff for a killer turkey recipe this year 😋. Grateful for major health concerns in my family bring resolved. Grateful for the love and support I've received coming out. Grateful to my parents for constantly stumbling over but still very much trying to get the hang of my new name (it feels magical to hear it). Grateful to Butternut for giving me strength, confidence, unwavering support, and true love. I wouldn't be where I am today, or who I am today, without them. Farm Girl 💜 Butternut.

(Butternut)

I’ve taken nearly two months off baking to care for a chronic health issue and I’ve missed it so much. If it weren’t for Farm Girl I wouldn’t be baking at all! Her gentle encouragement to see an Occupational Therapist, her massages, her helpfulness around the house and her constant love and affection have given me the power to get back into the swing of my passions.

1) Challah rolls

2) Peanut butter silk pie

3) Pumpkin and apple pies

4) Challah loaves

5) Dark chocolate custard pie

6) Mixed turnovers and muffins

7) Lattice apple caramel pie

8) Blueberry pie

9) Soft pretzels

(Butternut)

I offhandedly mentioned some projects I needed to start slogging through to FG over the weekend. Like a lot of folks who deal with long bouts of depression I struggle with “projects”. When something breaks when I’m not feeling my best self, I let it sit. And when I feel better I often feel anxious or guilty for letting them fall into disrepair.

FG showed up on Monday with her toolbox in her hand and a smile on her face ready to fix my dishwasher, snowblower, install my bidet and clean my filthy kitchen. She walked me through each repair and shared the absolute joy of the snowblower (FINALLY) firing up.

Watching her tinker is always super sexy to me. She’s really good at it. When she shows me things she’s always gentle and encouraging and never chastises or teases me for not knowing how things work or not taking care of them sooner. Her eagerness yo help and her delight when she gets something to work just bowl me over.

Seriously, my Handy Girl is just...Swoon-City, Baby!

Butternut

One of my favorite things about being poly is sharing in a community of love and giving. Yesterday and today were spent making homemade stock out of chickens and veggies from FG’s farm. I have a gallon of stock for her, a gallon of soup and a gallon of soup for my new cutie who...I guess I’ll call Hockey Girl for now? Sure.

Being poly has introduced me to a world of true abundance. Love that doesn’t need to be horded and squirreled away. There’s always food, care, support, love and kindness enough for everyone among farm family, my household and the queer community HG has introduced me too just recently.

I’m swooning hard and Walter is cheesing it even harder (so I had to share!)

(Butternut)

Farm Girl and I have been enjoying the cozy descent into winter. This week we processed tons of kale she harvested and cozied up to the wood stove. I played guitar for farm family and played along with one of FG’s roommates while her little dude played on the floor with Farm Girl. It was so lovely and domestic. I miss her-and the farm-when I’m away, but she’s always just a drive away <3

Gratitude

It's been a big week! That's putting it very mildly. I finally came out as trans to my community and extended family, something that's been in the works for a long time but has also meant intense anxiety, fear, and self doubt. I'll have to keep coming out to people as I encounter them, of course, but the big hurdle has been cleared. And none of it, not even a bit, would have been possible without Butternut. They have been unconditionally there for me, supportive, reassuring, comforting. They held me as I stepped into and through my discomfort. I had worked up just enough hope to believe coming out wouldn't be a disaster, maybe even lukewarm. But people blew me away with enthusiastic, abundant love (just like Butternut predicted 🤗). We went hiking for a couple days and I continue to be amazed at how my love for them grows deeper every day.

(Farm Girl)

Butternut Queen

I’ve had this moniker on here since the inception of our blog and while it holds a special place in my heart, it doesn’t fit me anymore. Like a well loved coat that’s worn threadbare, I’ll always appreciate the ways it fit me when it did.

As I lean into exploring my own gender feelings and embrace a more non binary role for myself I still enjoy feeling like a Queen now and then, but I find myself drawn to more masculine terms of endearment.

I’m still a chubby little butternut, though! And the squash patch will always be my kingdom <3

(Butternut)

I’ve been lost in my head with a lot of “relationship” stuff. I realized I’ve lost so much space for things that could connect us while worrying about what...will connect us!

Farm Girl shows her love in ways I am absolutely beside myself over. She helped me find a new washer when mine was dead. She picked it up with me, moved it with me, brought tools to install it, installed it for me and did all of my laundry before I even noticed.

She cleans for me, drives for me, gets me out of the house, gives me massages which allow me to function, brings me vegetables, finds movies for our movie night, talks me though anything that’s on my mind, makes tons of time for me during her busy farm season, holds and kisses and loves on me, let’s me touch her all over, calls me beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and loved...

I could go on all day.

Being in my head has prevented me from enjoying what we have and stolen opportunities for me to feel and be loved. I grieve that. But I realize it now. And I can act on that. I can be quieter. I can be still and observe and enjoy how much she loves me. Our intimacy within kink is so much more than erections and orgasms. It’s our way of life. It’s the basis of our affections for each other.

This blog may become more about gender and service kink than naked bodies and orgasms and edging. And that’s okay. We are human and one thing we can count on and embrace is change. And changing we are <3

(Butternut)

Farm Girl came to visit me for a couple of days. It seems like the clouds are lifting a bit. There’s been a lot going on in each of our lives personally and together. Gentle time together is vital.

We talked about gender. My gender. That was hard. I’ve spent my life stuffing down a lot of discomfort about my curvy body and as I’ve lost weight things like male attention and my body and face being more “ideal” has only solidified my gender to others. I’m being seen as a woman when I’ve managed to live most of my life as an invisible...being (the way heavier people are treated in this world is appalling but that’s another story for another day).

Farm Girl held me while I wept about the bourgeoning gender feels I can’t stomp down anymore. She asked me about pronouns and packers and what she could do to help me feel better. She reassured me that being confused isn’t a step back but a brave step forward. She told me she’d love me no matter where I ended up on the gender spectrum. I felt so much better.

We also talked about making intentional time for pleasure. I’ve had a lot of anxiety about how to navigate her body on hormones. She has been frustrated that her body isn’t reacting to touch and sexual thoughts the way it used to. In my mind, it makes perfect sense. The path the pleasure changes with estrogen and spiro. Like she said it’s not a “one push button” anymore. It’s a gentle rambling path we need to explore.

I’ve been afraid to touch her. I’ve been afraid of being overbearing or a predator. More than that I’ve been afraid of rejection. I’ve been afraid of proving myself to be an unsexy partner to her.

But we talked about it. And I feel immensely better. As two people exploring gender and navigating dysphoria we decided the best way to move forward was to set aside intentional time to explore-not sex-but pleasure. Sex felt like pressure, even though sex to me means so many things. Pleasure can be back scratches, snuggles, exploring each other bodies, kissing, and so much more.

I went from terrified to excited, pent up and scared to thrilled to share and explore. I’m so happy and restored. I can’t wait to see my girl again.

(Butternut)

Farm Girl and I recently went for a hike and stumbled upon a tree covered in artist conk mushrooms! Being the sweetheart she is, FG crawled down a wooded hill to pluck the largest one for me to carve into pretty art. She makes my life so beautiful and full or art and joy and happiness. I just can’t even!

(Butternut)

We haven’t been blogging much lately. There’s just been SO MUCH going on: in our lives, in the lives of people we love, in the world. We are still here, though. And somedays our existence feels radical in and of itself-at least to me.

In all the turmoil and anxiety the world provides we exist and we are in love. We sit by the woodstove, we wander the woods, we hold hands and make love and hold each other while making quiet, gentle progress on the things that eat away at us.

I love my Farm Girl and while our quiet lives don’t always make for tantalizing tumblr porn, I want this place to be one where we share the truth of who we are and what’s going on. This blog started as a fun experiment in exploring our mutual exhibitionism and kink and it’s changed over time, our relationship has changed over time. We are still kinky cuties but we are also bourgeoning queers, transitioning humans, and constantly, eagerly exploring. We appreciate the people who see us and love our blog for what it is.

While FG is adapting to hormones and dealing with some personal things I want to keep posting: the fun kinky stuff and the quiet, gentle moments. I think it’s what we can offer this community-a view into our beautiful, real connection.

(Butternut)

I’m a non binary person with long hair. There’s an invisibility I am privileged/cursed to have. I get a lot of Miss, ma’am, woman, lady. It doesn’t bother me a ton. I understand that most folks have a hard time with the concept of neutral gendering folks until they know better. Sometimes it doesn’t make be blink twice. Sometimes it’s a sharp scrape on my brain.

But within the queer community my invisibility has been a burden. I range from presenting as femme to butch but I don’t bind and I’m not on hormones. I don’t currently pack (although I’m considering it!) and have feminine features. Representation of enby folks is saturated by “the look”. Every queer community seems to have a variation of it (here’s to you thin, white, young lesbians with long straight hair and black and white arm tattoos-I love you). I totally swoon over enby folks who have bright, “queer” hair, butch or andro leaning fashion, stompy boots and punky accessories.

But that’s not me. And I just want to say, there are people like me, too, and using my voice makes me feel less alone. I hope other long haired, femme faced enbies who dream of guiding their girlfriend by the small of her back, who maybe don’t hate their bodies or feminine curves, who want to be loved for being strong and soft...see this. And know there’s no right way to be a human so you might as well embrace what makes you happy.