U.S. PRESIDENT AND SCARY VIOLENT CANE-BEATER ANDREW JACKSON WAS ONCE IN A DUEL WITH A LAWYER NAMED CHARLES DICKINSON. JACKSON SENT DICKINSON A LETTER DEMANDING SATISFACTION AFTER DICKINSON CALLED HIM “A POLTROON AND A COWARD” WHICH I IMAGINE MUST HAVE BEEN AN INSULT WORTHY OF A MURDER-FIGHT IN THE EARLY 19TH CENTURY

THE TWO AGREED TO HAVE A DUEL BY PISTOLS. JACKSON’S STRATEGY WAS TO DELAY HIS SHOT AND ALLOW DICKINSON TO FIRE FIRST, SINCE HE WAS AN EXPERT MARKSMAN AND JACKSON WAS COUNTING ON DICKINSON’S IMPULSE TO SHOOT BEFORE HE GETS SHOT TO IMPAIR HIS AIM.

IF THIS STRATEGY WORKED, BY THE RULES OF THE DUEL DICKINSON WOULD HAVE HAD TO STAND STILL WHILE JACKSON CAREFULLY AIMED AND TOOK HIS SHOT, WHICH IS WHAT JACKSON WAS COUNTING ON. IF IT DIDN’T WORK, THE RISK WOULD BE THAT JACKSON WOULD BE SHOT DEAD BEFORE HE COULD TAKE HIS SHOT.

THE RESULT WAS A CROSS BETWEEN THE TWO. DICKINSON DID NOT MISS, HE HIT JACKSON CLOSS TO THE HEART, BUT JACKSON SURVIVED, LINED UP HIS SHOT WITH A BULLET IN HIS CHEAT, AND SHOT DICKINSON DEAD.

TWENTY THREE YEARS LATER, ANDREW JACKSON WAS SWORN IN AS UNITED STATES PRESIDENT WITH THAT SAME BULLET STILL IN HIS CHEST, AS IT WAS TOO CLOSE TO HIS HEART FOR THE DOCTORS TO SAFELY REMOVE. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO GENOCIDE A LOT OF NATIVE AMERICANS AND HIT A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THE FACE AND BODY WITH HIS CANE AND GENERALLY SCARE THE BAJESUS OUT OF EVERYBODY.

ALSO I DON’T WANT TO SEE ANYBODY REBLOGGING THIS WITH THE ATTITUDE THAT ANDREW JACKSON IS A BADASS. HE’S NOT. HE WAS A DANGEROUS VIOLENT SADIST WHO LIKED TO HURT PEOPLE AND SOMEHOW MANAGED TO TRICK AND DECEIVE HIS WAY INTO A POSITION OF POWER WHERE HE COULD HURT EVEN MORE PEOPLE. THAT IS THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.

“ANDREW JACKSON DID ALL OF THIS BADASS STUFF BUT PLEASE, DON’T THINK HE WAS A BADASS”

whole buncha people got andrew jacksowned imo

NONE OF WHAT I DESCRIBED WAS BADASS? THIS IS A POST ABOUT HOW HE RESPONDED TO A VERY MILD INSULT BY LITERALLY MURDERING SOMEBODY. IF YOU READ ABOUT THIS GUY IN A NEWSPAPER TODAY, YOU PROBABLY WOULDN’T THINK “WOAH WHAT A BADASS,” YOU’D MORE LIKELY BE LIKE “OH SHIT I HOPE THAT DUDE IS IN JAIL FOREVER.”

I JUST DON’T SEE WHAT’S BADASS ABOUT A HOMICIDAL SADIST WITH SUCH A FRAGILE TEMPER THAT HE THROWS A TANTRUM AND BEATS EVERYONE IN SIGHT WITH A BLUNT INSTRUMENT WHENEVER HE’S SLIGHTLY DISPLEASED, AND THAT HE LITERALLY SHOT A MAN DEAD FOR CALLING HIM CHICKEN? THAT GUY DOESN’T SOUND COOL OR ADMIRABLE TO ME AT ALL, HE SOUNDS LIKE A GIANT TODDLER WITH A GUN. 

So everybody can make an informed decision, examples of Modesty Krangs and a Modesty Mikey in action, in the images that coined the practice:

PLEASE VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE IN THE SHORT TIME REMAINING!

Friendship real!! Blue with some characters I still have to get into the story proper, her roommates Crown Vic (left, he/him) and Cherry Cordial (right, she/her)

Last chance to vote your conscience for #cougartruth!

Given the option I'll always draw Blue

Chapter 23 - Loose Ends

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“Alright, that’s a half-caf macchiato and six scones for Marcus,” the barista said.

“Matt,” the customer said, “and I ordered a black coffee and a croissant.”

“Okay, well, Matt,” the barista explained, “you might have, but Marcus ordered a half-caf macchiato and six scones.”

“Whatever,” Matt said, trying to take the bag of scones and cup off the counter.

“No, these aren’t for you– here,” the barista said, shoving a croissant into his hands, and hastily pouring a black coffee. Matt walked away satisfied, and moments later, Marcus claimed his own order, and followed him out the door.

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Chapter 22 — Bronze Anniversary

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Ghostrunner stared down at the corpse of the woman who’d tormented her for so long. She’d be lying if she said it wasn’t a relief to know she was dead. The ship just hung in the air.

“Captain?” Alicia’s voice buzzed out of their comms units, “What’s happening?”

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Chapter 21 - The Rug Pulled Out

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“The hack is complete,” Ariadne said, “we have a lock on her receiving pad. Ghostrunner, Vigil, standby.”

“Standing by,” Ghostrunner said. She was buzzing with excitement and anxiety. This operation needed to be timed perfectly.

Ghostrunner and Vigil would teleport onboard the Nameless’ flagship mere moments before the EMP went off. A second too early, and their unauthorized teleport would be flagged and their cover blown. If they were a second too late, the ship would be disabled along with the receiving pad, causing Ghostrunner and Vigil to be torn to atoms on arrival. They couldn’t even use the stasis field trick, because once the ship’s power was offline, there was no way to pinpoint a safe location to teleport them to, and Ariadne was not about to risk putting Ghostrunner through a wall or out into open space.

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Chapter 20 — Eve Of Destruction

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“How do you think Pete is handling things?” Ariadne asked, tinkering with the metal frame she’d spent the entire day fine-tuning.

Spacebreather was taken aback by this question. “Who the hell is Pete?”

“You know, Baltimore and Beam’s little buddy. The convenience store clerk,” Ariadne explained, “skinny white boy, brought all those sodas to the wedding.”

“I haven’t thought about that man in seven years,” Pilar said, “and the last time I thought about him, I was just like ‘oh good, mixers for the bar.’ I didn’t realize we had, like, an ongoing relationship with the soda delivery man. Why did he jump into your mind just now?!”

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Chapter 19 - The Raising of the Three Armies

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Merctown was less of a “town” and more of a “run-down block of tenements on Calisto owned by Blue, protected by the same mysterious Oort tech that kept Blue’s Diner and Xiagu hidden from ill-wishers.” Since this was harder to refer to in casual conversation, the settlers simply referred to it as “Merctown.”

It was simple, and to-the-point. Most of the occupants were either mercenaries who’d defected from the Nameless’ army, enforcers from the Rizzos’ rival families, contract killers, and the odd blackmail victim who found La Pesadilla’s hefty protection bills less egregious than the favors the Nameless demanded of them. Outside of the Rizzo Army, there was nowhere else in the system you could find quite so many hired guns in one place.

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Chapter 19 - The Raising of the Three Armies

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Merctown was less of a “town” and more of a “run-down block of tenements on Calisto owned by Blue, protected by the same mysterious Oort tech that kept Blue’s Diner and Xiagu hidden from ill-wishers.” Since this was harder to refer to in casual conversation, the settlers simply referred to it as “Merctown.”

It was simple, and to-the-point. Most of the occupants were either mercenaries who’d defected from the Nameless’ army, enforcers from the Rizzos’ rival families, contract killers, and the odd blackmail victim who found La Pesadilla’s hefty protection bills less egregious than the favors the Nameless demanded of them. Outside of the Rizzo Army, there was nowhere else in the system you could find quite so many hired guns in one place.

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Local Woman Draws Surprising Amount Of Attention To Self, For Someone Leaving Store With Bunch Of Stuff She Refuses To Pay For

Chapter 18 - Reeling

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Vigil was waiting on the front steps of Sasha, Sweettalk, and Ghostrunner’s flat when they returned home. The three were chattering excitedly, and were excited to see her sitting there.

“Vigil!!” Sweettalk yelled, pointing out of the chasm at the station, now resting on the glass, “did you see? We did it!”

“I saw!” Vigil said, caught in an enthusiastic bear hug by Sweettalk, still on an adrenaline high from her performance. “So that’s where you guys used to live?”

Sweettalk pointed at the ground. “No, this is where I used to live, and I can’t get out of here fast enough. That’s our home.”

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Chapter 17 - Homecoming

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“All clear,” Spacebreather said, “the diversion worked, defense fleet pulled away. Half a dozen Rizzo fighters remain patrolling the airspace around the station. Four dozen more lifesigns onboard. It appears to be the same squad that stormed the station before we left.”

“Can you hit that target?” Ariadne asked, finishing the calibrations on her visor. Sasha and Sweettalk had already secured their own visors, and synchronized their targeting systems for the task at hand.

Alicia and Sweettalk hustled to the two gunner turrets on the ship, while Pilar took control of the ship’s main cannons. Sasha was busy regulating their suit’s distribution of carefully-balanced stimulants to aid their aim and timing.

“Please, querida,” Spacebreather laughed, “look who you’re talking to!”

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Chapter 16 - Scare Tactics

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The communicator narrowly missed Nicks’ head.

“YOU TOLD ME SHE WAS DEAD!” The Nameless shrieked.

“I told you she might still be alive, and you believed it too,” Nicks replied as flatly as possible, trying not to betray any emotion, “you said you were sure she was dead, once you were unable to track her down.”

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Chapter 15 - Already in the Aftermath

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Jane’s funeral was the first in the crew’s history. The entirety of Xiagu was in attendance. Ariadne gave a long and touching speech. Can-Do sat alone, manacled, far from the rest of the crew, under heavily-armed guard, for her own safety. As soon as the ceremony had concluded, she was shepherded back into the old Xiagu sheriff’s station and locked back in their one and only holding cell. Every other member of the crew dropped a fistful of cold, dry earth onto Jane’s casket. The assembled crew steadily dissolved away back to their own homes, while Ariadne and Pilar stayed behind to fill in the grave.

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Chapter 15 - Already in the Aftermath

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Jane’s funeral was the first in the crew’s history. The entirety of Xiagu was in attendance. Ariadne gave a long and touching speech. Can-Do sat alone, manacled, far from the rest of the crew, under heavily-armed guard, for her own safety. As soon as the ceremony had concluded, she was shepherded back into the old Xiagu sheriff’s station and locked back in their one and only holding cell. Every other member of the crew dropped a fistful of cold, dry earth onto Jane’s casket. The assembled crew steadily dissolved away back to their own homes, while Ariadne and Pilar stayed behind to fill in the grave.

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Chapter 14 — You Don't Get Me Twice

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“Jane, I need you to tell me everything that happened,” Pilar said, sitting down across the table from her visibly shaken lieutenant.

The room had, at one time, been a study room at the Xiagu public library. The library had been an immensely useful base of operations through their months here, especially at times like this when they needed somewhere they knew they wouldn’t be disturbed.

“Me and Can-Do, we were… we were watching the house like you said,” she explained, “and as soon as Ariadne’s goggles went offline, Can-Do suddenly got all frantic. She kept apologizing about something, and opened up a channel to the Nameless.”

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