I’m hella aware of the historical implications and hierarchies created by gender and I’m not saying that all that should be thrown out the window--people need space to talk about their experiences, to find support, and to have access to care that actually caters to their daily needs. I just think that, moving forward in “queer spaces” specifically that are so invested in describing gender as a spectrum and as an interplay of sex characteristics and expression and all these other things, it’s counterproductive to just make more boxes, especially ones that further uphold the original two boxes they’re trying to protest, and then say “tada how progressive.” Again, work on burning the damn boxes already.

I just don’t get it tho?

Like I get that people ask “what is gender if not gender roles?” but can we all acknowledge the constraints inherent in gender systems? And like how that can be used to oppress people by creating power dynamics in these roles? And how there is so much more creativity outside of this fricking annoying men do this women do this? And how also these paradigms are built off assumptions of privilege, and so automatically non-white, non-able-bodied, non-middle/upper class, etc. people are at a disadvantage in terms of ‘being a GOOD woman’ or ‘being a GOOD man’?

Like I just don’t get it, yeah. I don’t get why people want this system. I’m not convinced why the current Queering Of Gender is still so invested in reifying these by attributing masculinity to man and femininity to woman so if you’re masc/fem you should be non-binary. And I’m not convinced these the power dynamics that again disadvantage non-white, non-able-bodied, non-middle/upper-class, etc. people aren’t just repeated in this Queering Of Gender system. Like I don’t trust people with these privileges to “make a gender system” that doesn’t perpetuate their privileges within them, yeah.

So yeah I’m just tired of gender systems that mean “gender roles.” (which is basically every gender system tbh) I just don’t get it. And even by saying “you can be whatever gender you wanna be, even a duck” that’s not actually helpful. That’s just trying to identify out of boxes, why not burn the boxes. Like I don’t get it. Besides the fact it’ll take some time, but the more time we spend reifying and reinforcing the boxes in the first place by spending so much effort defining their outer boundaries (man is this, woman is this, so I must be this), the more time it’s gonna take to find the damn box cutter and fuck ‘em up for good.

idk like I’ve felt very failed by the gender systems. I hate the dichotomy of masculinity femininity I think that’s bullshit and boring. I hate how trans/GNC people reify it by likening “feeling male” to being masc, “feeling female” to being fem, and if you’re somewhere in the middle OBVIOUSLY you have to be non-binary. And I hate how people pretend this isn’t what they’re doing by saying “not all men are masc, not all women are fem” but then never actually taking the statement to heart. Instead they keep assuming, must be non-binary if androgynous, must wanna be male if masc, etc. Even non-normative gender systems are still the same damn gender roles rebranded and repackaged. 

Which is one thing I do appreciate about truscum, regardless of the other noise that happens sometime, truscum and gender abolitionists and certain flavors of radical feminism (i’m picking my words carefully here lolol) actually incorporate the greater implications of “male is not to masculine and female is not to feminine.”

But it’s tiring, yeah. Because it’s very silencing trying to call this noise out because people are SO SO SO TIGHTLY bound to it. Like someone was seriously telling me how the aggressive masculinity associated with male-ness makes them uncomfortable, so they can’t identify as male anymore and they’re transfeminine now. It’s like. Honey.

And I guess, as a black person, the way this plays out is especially insidious and shitty because of the policing of black masculinity as inherently dangerous, and black people displaying masculinity as inherently dangerous. Like you’re seen as “more masculine” simply by being black. Black women are seen as “less feminine” and “more assertive, more loud, more strong,” more [list of commonly associated with masculinity traits here]. And black people more overtly displaying masculinity are criminalized for it or seen as thug for it. Like black butches being seen as more aggressive and more bro-y than their white counterparts, there’s so much less space for black gender role deviation (which is not the black community’s fault, goddamn) that everything I said above holds especially true.

I wish there was a way to disentangle myself from trans things. It’s really demotivating that I am swept up in this perception that it’s “the same” as treating ~gender~ as performance art or as something one chooses “to queer.” And I’m just so supremely exhausted by “the personal is political” because really it’s “the political is personal” and trying to “embody your politics” in a way that’s just... not unnecessary but counterproductive, almost? I find it extremely frustrating how radiqueer behave is extrapolated to the greater “community.” I don’t want to be associated with it. I don’t want to engage with it. And it’s not that “I want to normal,” it’s that “I disagree with embodiment politics and I don’t THAT to be how I am expected both by out-group and in-group people to engage with the world.

ok yea i get uncomfortable when people talk about going on hormones and how it makes them "hotter." no.

i won't deny you get confidence by like not hating your body's characteristics so much every waking moment, but a couple months of testosterone does not make you into the bishieboi you always wished u werrrrr.  also stop equating medical treatment to cosmetics like a facelift. also it doesn't make you trans because you pursued cosmetic treatments to an end. also fuck this.

Many sad things happened recently so I went out tonight and this might be the drunkest I have ever been.

but it was nice to be around people I really adore and I got to look cute and I got to dance, and I was propositioned by multiple men which was a big deal and it was a good night.

Because like there's a difference between being told "you look good" and being told "I find you attractive," in that: it is possible to aesthetically appreciate someone while desexualizing them. Similarly, it is possible to fetishize someone while not finding them attractive, but rather the idea of them attractive. And so tonight was the first night I passed while still dressing how I wanted to dress, and people were into my looks. Still, sad things are sad (many things hit at once,just when I thought I was back on my feet, more bad news) so I simply wasnt here for it. I showed up to look cute and dance and get turnt, and all of the above occurred.

Sorry this is more of a life update than some Social Theory but yea

abstension

I'm also tired of this discussion being headed by white people. Which is to say, the idea that it's "A GENDER GALAXY" or some nonsense, is not new. The fact that we stabilize it like men on one side, women on another, is unnecessary. And so that's why I get annoyed when people say "men, women, and everyone else." Or when people say "men, women, bigender for feminine and masculine like both, agender for not liking either, demiboy if you sorta like being in men as a category not entirely, etc." Similarly, however, the misunderstanding that that means your "gender" can be "deer, star, etc." is untrue. Because gender is not an aesthetic and it is not a personality trait. No more than "race" is an aesthetic or a personality trait. And white people never want to make that jump but I can't describe gender without using a racial metaphor because it's the same social constructivism that is not a devaluing of it--the fact that it's socially constructed doesn't mean it doesn't matter--but it leads to understanding that it's all bullshit. Just because we're dealing with its historical ramifications doesn't mean it's not bullshit.

Gender in the social sense is just that, the social category conferred that you then have to deal with a bunch of ramifications and depending on how ok or not ok you are with these ramifications is where the queer theory of gender identity comes from. Because it only seems to have two categories, it's more susceptible to breakdown. It's like Republicans and Democrats, while they claim to be big two party systems, there's independents who move between and then there's other splinter parties closer to one or the other who still wants the acknowledgment and organizing of an actual party, instead of just "independent."

You can abstain from voting if you think it's all bullshit, but you can't abstain from gender because it's social and other people determine it for you in many ways, and how they determine it for you influences how you think of yourself and "identify." And that's why I get upset, I think. And when you look at African-Americans who say "I don't consider myself black/African-American/etc." it's because they're trying to abstain from this system that is clearly bullshit. And everyone looks around and whispers about it because "oh my goodness, you can't just NOT be a race." because of course, society is constantly inflicting it on you. And how I feel is really the same with gender, I don't want one. And in terms of my dysphoria, that's neither here nor there, it doesn't matter if someone calls me whatever pronouns or whatever name, that's just always there. (which is another can of worms, why people can't understand that)

But that's why I've been feeling really crappy lately. People keep trying to use me to validate their party system and I just want to abstain from the election all together.

I think gender roles are the stupidest thing on the planet and need to never. And I think "woman" as a role to be shat on and controlled and all is stupid and society needs to never with that too. I do think gender functions as a hierarchy in many spaces and I think that's a huge detriment that's rarely properly acknowledged.

And like, maybe the creation of "third genders" is the first step in that breakdown. Maybe this is wishful thinking, but just maybe that's where all this starts, in acknowledging difference in gender expression and how that relates to gender identity. And I think the breakdown of "gender identity" as something self-evident is also necessary.

But within that, say we do finally get over this shit and have the breakdown of gender identities based on social shit, way way way in the future. I still want the needs of trans people and dysphoria to be met. And not be met with "it's a social problem, just get over it, just decide not to have dysphoria" etc. but as a medical need. 

Like it's the frustration that people clamoring for more gender options--if you listen to the arguments it's essentially "I don't want to be constrained by gender roles" because "I interact with gender roles in this specific way and in a world that constantly places the two as a parity, I want that acknowledged." But just fuck the goddamn gender roles. Just fuck the goddamn gender roles. And you can do that while still acknowledging the marginalization of those with normatively female sexual differentiation patterns historically and currently, and acknowledging the marginalization of those displaced from male/masculine/man and female/feminine/woman, without reverting to the strengthening of those dichotomies. Because ultimately, that's counter productive.

I feel like I'm choking on this puerile shit some days, I'm fucking gagging on this nonsense. Trans is not the same as gender non-conforming or gender variant, and it's tiresome seeing GNC/GV people prioritized in activist spaces over trans people, it's the same shit nothing new. Prioritizing non-dysphoric people over dysphoric people, same shit nothing new.

I don't know why I do this really...

I've been feeling very drained lately. And I don't quite like the work I do, I don't like running all these workshops and running around wagging my finger "you can't say that!" when someone's going to be really offensive, and I don't like having to repeat party lines for inclusivity points that I don't believe in--I don't think "kink" should be included in "queer" but for the purposes of my job, I have to fucking affirm every person who walks through the fucking door, and sometimes that's hard as shit. But it doesn't matter because that's the job, so I shelf my feelings and deal. But it's frustrating that people assume that means I sign off on puerile nonsense when i don't. Or people think I'm complicit to it or think that trans means some ridiculous definition that means nothing and I just have felt so silenced and like I've taken on this role that I don't really want.

And I like talking about these things sorta, and I like discussing things kinda, but like. There is an upper limit. At the same time, my ego appreciates that I'm the "go to" person to some things. That's a nice feeling. But it's very ungrateful work to do. It's very hard and hurtful and upsetting and people who know NOTHING about what you do, who don't even show up to your meetings, criticize it like they know anything about it. And people who SHOULD know what you do just don't give a shit and spend their time ignoring you and everyone is just constantly being the biggest of the dicks.

And often it's a bunch of people I never showed up for. I don't show up for white kids who whine about how much they think about RACE because omgggg intersectionalityyyy. I don't show up for gendersomethings who just feel like stars. I don't show up for admin who just want diversity points so they can show off their pretty statistics. But they all have an opinion and a criticism and I just am not here for it. And it's also hard because like, as a young person I want to be taken seriously, but it's also frustrating dealing with the nonsense people younger than me always bring up and it's like "I once thought like that. And then I fucking got involved and had life experience and now I realize how ridiculous of an opinion that is." (such as criticizing spaces you have never even come into not once)

So drainingggggg. I really don't want an official position in the future I don't think. Maybe a mentorship thing maybe. But goddamn this is terrible.

Someone on campus wants to essentially make a sex discussion group and she wants "gender idenetity development" included and I was like "ok let's check out this train wreck early," and I sent her an email like "???" and she was like "Oh! I didn't mean to say it as the same thing as sexuality! lololo sorry also if you wanna get coffee and talk it over more some time, lmk" and I was like "sure, yah." because email can get hard.

But it's just like, when the fuck did I become the person to give workshops on the trans and have one on one convos with How TO Make It More Trans-Ok with people, like how am I allowed to say anything about anything idk

OH SHIT

I'm supposed to be writing an assignemnt but this is stuck on my mind

There's this uncomfortable fetishization of trans women by dfab gendersomethings that's beginning to get on my nerves. Trans spaces being inundated by gendersomethings who want to be "dfab nb princesses" and all obviously take up a lot of space, like a lot of space, and then they look around and realize O Man No Trans Women Nao, for whom the statistics are often quite unkind and so they fit very well into the pseudo-oppression-olympics-framework sadly, and so in the interest of "representation" they pull some shit.

What shit? Well because there are fewer trans women in the space, it's easier to either completely speak over them by drawing them all as Gorgeous Princess Fairies in comics where literally the sit around being cute and flowers, or they cherry pick the narratives they like best (usually those that coincide with Gorgeous Princess Fairies or some other pastelled out stereotype that fits the Queer Witch Aesthetic) and say O LOOK REPRESENTATION.

By now, you've probably guessed I'm less than enamored by all this. I can talk about the queer witch aesthetic at a later date but basically think hard femme + post punk. An interesting question for that later date is "who can engage in queer witch aesthetic?" because the answer is not actually everyone, regardless of whatever claims of inclusivity you hear.

But that's a tangent. It is flattening of trans women's experiences to pull this shit, even if it's allegedly in exaltation or representation. If there were different kinds of representation out there, I might be more lenient, but instead there's this fascination with the focus of the story driven by how they are trans. If you are writing this story because the character is trans, you shouldn't be writing that story. Your character isn't extra complicated because they are trans, and the "rites of passage" in a transitioning timeline are not substitutions for plotpoints and climaxes. Literally making trans people magical is fucked up. We already have the magical negro and black fairy godmother tropes where literally because black people are SO WISE AND CULTURED AND INTERESTING because they are black, they can impart some of that "interesting," "wisdom," and other validation to a white person. Whether that white person is literally there in the story and your character exists to bolster them, or whether that white person is you, dear writer/artist/etc., both are not cool. Using a trans character to make your comic more interesting because you can't be bothered to do it on your own and to compassionately integrate transitioning with their storyline is the same as your cis main character using a trans character to make their life more interesting because they can't be bothered to do it on their own. And it's extremely uncomfortable when it's done in the guise of allyship and representation. When a bunch of largely-GC cissexual kids pull this shit and get hailed as progressive, I get very tired.

This also happens to trans men btw, but there are different politics surrounding that and I really need to get back to this hw.

For someone who's in the doctors all the goddamn time because of the trans thing, chronic illness is the most annoying on top of it. If I kept up with all my appointments, I'd be at the doctors 4 times a week. So excuse me if I put a few things off.

I really want to get married one day (which is funny that I whine about this so much but am perpetually single, but whatever that's a different whine) but I've never really been one for kids. It was something I thought about in the past, something that society had nearly strong-armed me into vaguely thinking might be a good idea at some indeterminate moment in the future because everyone loves having kids, right? but no, they don't and I don't think I ever would. My mother never quite had kids in her plan but my dad was really into the idea so she eventually relented and had just one late in life (which I joke to myself sometimes is why I'm so screwy, but I'd never say that to either of them). 

But, basically, it's weird to think about seriously, long-term never having children. It feels like I'm supposed to feel unfulfilled because of this. And I guess, in some way, I do--my mother asked me about freezing my at you-know-whats (it makes me nauseous just thinking about those inside me) and my grandmother says point blank she wished my mother had me 10 years earlier. My family feels entitled to my reproductive capacity. Which is hurtful, in a sense, when that stands in contrast to my personal happiness (and non-suicidality lololol) but I get where they're coming from, and I feel very guilty and sad that I can't provide them with what they want.

Further, because everyone and their monkey's uncle says being trans is a choice nowadays (which jesus christ, how did we get back to this disgusting square one?) it feels like a personal failing that I take drugs that severely compromise my repro hormonal landscape, and am considering procedures that won't ever allow me to carry kids in the future. And it feels like a selfish choice. To be putting my quality of life and ability to stay alive first before some potential baby thing in the vague future. And so there's some misplaced guilt sitting around there--people spend years trying to make a baby and I'm throwing my ability away by being trans.

And then there's the vague what if. What if I do weirdly realize I want kids 10, 15, 20 years down the road? What if someone brings a baby to work I can't help but fall in love with and then just know? What if by the time I make this decision, I've been on hormones for so long all my you-know-whats are shot anyways? What if I had shitty you-know-whats in the first place and I'm stressed options that didn't exist in the first place? And either way, I can't plan for those. I can only worry about my current happiness and can't spend all my time freaking out about circumstances that are definitely going to change. Right now, no formal decisions have to be put out in writing. But it is still something I'm worried about. And that's not considering the ignorant shit people say anyways to people who don't have kids after a certain age that won't make dealing with this any easier.

I kind of want a new word. I still hate the word transsexual, but I do want a word that stresses sex instead of gender roles. I literally just saw someone say her partner was a girl, but looked like a boy, so she's transgender and genderqueer and gender variant and gender non-conforming, and I just.

Can't be part of that. And I understand the sentiment and ideas behind it. As a GNC person, I understand the need of community and the wrongs that one experiences as a GNC person and I get it. But the fact that transsexualism is lumped in with transgederism rather than likened more to intersex conditions I think is a failure. The sex is the issue, the underlying causes between the two "trans"-es are different, and that needs acknowledgement. And it's never done. I've had people tell me the word transsexual is archaic and not used at all, I've had people say sex dysphoria comes entirely from self-loathing and it's just. So hurtful. And not having a word that isn't stigmatized but still communicates the proper emphasis of cause is like, really difficult. Which I can empathize with GNC people who find it really difficult not having a word for not fitting into gender roles and therefore wanting to take up transgender, but the further implications that reify sexist gender roles and expectations is not okay, regardless of wanting solidarity (which is why I'd rather 1000 times more GNC or gender variant as the word). 

sigh anyways. it makes me rull sad up in hurr when the only options are shit I fundamentally disagree with and don't feel like I "fit into" either way.