@everyoneisgay / everyoneisgay.tumblr.com
Friends!
If you’ve had your eyes on any of the ~very gay~ things in our store, you should grab them while they last!! After August, they won’t be available in the store any longer!
Head on over to our store to get yourself nice and gay while you can: everyoneisgay.merchnow.com
Friends!
If you’ve had your eyes on any of the ~very gay~ things in our store, you should grab them while they last!! After August, they won’t be available in the store any longer!
Head on over to our store to get yourself nice and gay while you can: everyoneisgay.merchnow.com
Welcome to May’s “Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
Alyse Says:
Thanks so much for your question! I completely understand how difficult long-distance relationships can be. Shortly after we got hitched, my wife and I had to spend a year and a half living in different states, visiting about once a month. It’s tough, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I honestly think that our time apart made our relationship much stronger and healthier.
Let’s start with your question about jealousy. There are two different types of jealousy you might be feeling in this situation, so I’ll address both. The first kind of jealousy is the kind where you’d be jealous of anyone who gets to see your girlfriend—her best friend, her co-workers, her cat, the cashier at the grocery store—because you love her so much and wish that you could see her, too! That kind of “jealous” is more connected to a feeling of longing, which is a totally natural way to feel when your sweetie lives far away.
The other type of jealousy is dicier. If you find that you’re only jealous of your girlfriend’s best friend, and not anyone else your girlfriend sees, then you might want to consider why you feel that way. Are you suspicious or distrusting of this friend? Is there something about their friendship in particular that makes you uneasy? This kind of jealousy is connected to uglier roots, like insecurity and fear. And it can do really bad damage to a relationship, since relationships are built on trust and fail without it.
If you’re jealous of your girlfriend’s best friend because you don’t trust them together, then you need to think hard about why that is and how you might be able to work past it on your own. Because if your girlfriend has to feel guilty every time she sees her best friend, or has to feel like she must choose between making you feel jealous and sad vs. seeing her best friend when she wants to, then after awhile this could build into resentment. Especially because she may be seeing her best friend so much because she misses you and being around her best pal cheers her up!
When my wife and I were apart, we both saw our friends way more than we would have if we were still living together, in large part because we were both a little lonely, and also just because we each had more time on our hands. And guess what? It was so good for us. We grew as individuals and could therefore grow together in our relationship. By nurturing friendships and staying focused on our own separate lives, we practiced independence, which made us both stronger people. This, in turn, made our relationship stronger, too! It’s kind of like if Batman and Robin both started working out and practicing their ninja skills separately—it’s not going to detract from their Dynamic Duo crime-fighting chemistry one bit. It’s just going to make them a stronger team.
So with all that out of the way, let’s talk some more about long-distance relationships. By far the most helpful tip I can offer is to encourage you to shift your perspective about this time apart. When my wife and I first began our LDR period, I was bummed. I knew I’d miss her so much, and I’d been living with her already for five years—how was I going to adjust? But then I started to focus more on why we were spending time apart—for her to follow her passion and begin a PhD program in poetry and for me to follow mine and start a teaching job at my dream school. When I focused on that, I couldn’t be sad we were apart—only joyful that my wife was doing what made her happiest in the world, and proud of her for going for it.
You can also reframe all this in your mind by focusing on how great an opportunity this is for you both to grow individually in exciting ways. Change is a good thing, not something to be afraid of. Remember that old saying that “Real gold is not afraid of the test of fire.” You have nothing to worry about here. Your love is real, and it’s awesome, and so is this time in your life and relationship.
Second (and related) biggest tip: stay in touch regularly and consistently, but not constantly. Live your own life and respect your girlfriend’s independence by letting her live hers. Try not to be clingy or controlling; again, stay positive and see this as a time of independent growth for you both—growth that will ultimately make your relationship as strong as Batman and Robin’s.
Here are a few other quick tips:
My brilliant friend Rosie and I made this mixtape for you to listen to while you’re pining for your sweetie. Music is so good for these kinds of feels. While you’re listening, keep in mind e.e. cummings’ beautiful reminder that even when you’re apart, you’re always with the one you love: “I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart).” Good luck, friend! I’m with you all the way.
Alyse Knorr is the author of Mega-City Redux, Copper Mother, Annotated Glass, Super Mario Bros. 3, and two chapbooks of poetry. Her work has appeared in Alaska Quarterly Review, The Greensboro Review, and Hayden’s Ferry Review, among others. She is an assistant professor of English at Regis University and co-editor of Switchback Books.
Rose Campbell is a public historian at Regis University in Denver. Her work focuses on war experience and how narratives about war are constructed and conveyed. She also researches and writes about Colorado’s music history as a consultant for the History Colorado Center. She received her M.A. in History in 2017 and is currently pursuing her MFA at Regis.
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
Welcome to April’s “Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
Mahdia Says:
The answer to this one is very simple, but not very easy: When your friends are struggling and support systems are failing them, you have to come together and be that support system.
This is painful, heavy stuff. The things that society tells us are meant to be unbreakable can be shattered by ignorance, repression, and fear. Last month, Grace wrote a great piece (and made an excellent mixtape) about coping with shitty family, so I want to focus on this other side of the coin: the love, beauty, and magic found in the chosen family we make for ourselves.
One of the greatest blessings that we are given as queer and trans people is the opportunity to redefine the institutions that just don’t work for us. When our given family leaves one of us in the dirt, we build our own with the people who are really there for us. Chosen family is one of the most important things you can find in this life, and it starts right in the here and now.
This is an imposition: The world can be cruel to people like us. Sometimes we are cruel to each other. It is our duty to be there for one another when it feels like the world is falling to pieces and other safety nets have failed. We find those people who need community and we build that community together.
You know that saying “Blood is thicker than water,” right? Do you know the other version of that statement? Well, this is the truth: the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. In other words, the bonds that we build—those people that we choose for ourselves—are the strongest relationships in the world.
As queer and trans people we are given the opportunity to radically redefine relationships from the ground up. We get to decide what family means. I’m not saying that we all have to hold hands and get along with anyone who happens to be LGBTQIA. But growing up takes time, care, and compassion. No one can go it alone. Everyone needs space to learn, to fuck up, and to get better without fear of losing everything. Time, care, and compassion.
For the trans person out there growing up at a loss for love and support, I want to tell you a bit about myself: When I was younger, I thought things were all my fault. The fragmented relationship with my given family, the relationships that burned away when I came out as trans, the daily struggle of connecting to others while navigating disability and neurodiversity—it was just so, so much for one person to go through. I didn’t have anyone to look to where I saw someone like me. I carried that weight around with me for a long time.
Life was really hard for a while. In those days I could never imagine much of a future for myself—but looking back today I am so, so grateful to have made it through. At a point in my life where I could barely imagine making it to next week, it was time that saved me. In time I found other people like me, and where we felt all the hurt where society let us down, we built something better together.
I was nineteen the first time I met my sister, at Camp Trans. It blew my mind to see so many trans people in one space, but she and I bonded immediately—two genderweird trans women bonding over bad folk-punk and happening to live near one another. She was the first person in the world in whom I actually saw myself. In time, the circle of people in my life who understood each other grew. We built something new together. We became a family of our own making.
I am overflowing with love and pride for the family we made for ourselves. In the last decade we’ve been through it all. Grief and joy, weddings and breakups, hospital beds and baby strollers. I am who I am—I am alive at all—because of my chosen family. This is what I want for you and your friend. It starts today.
Make a commitment today to be there for the people who need you. In time, friends become chosen family. It’s a relationship forged over years, and it’s one of the strongest bonds in the world. The people in your life now can be the people you grow with; the people you hurt with; the people you heal with. Be there for one another. Make something new.
I made this mixtape for you in celebration of chosen family (with a lil side of fuck you for the bigots). If you're having a rough go of it or struggling today, I strongly recommend blasting “Battle Cry” on repeat and remembering that “the time we spend in darkness when the rain comes is where we often find the light soon as the pain's done.”
Mahdia Lynn is the founder and Executive Director of Masjid al-Rabia—a women centered, LGBTQ affirming, pluralist mosque in Chicago—where she has spearheaded unprecedented programming in support of marginalized Muslims. Mahdia’s prolific career as a community organizer has centered transgender liberation, disability justice, prison abolition, and youth suicide prevention. Her Black and Pink Crescent program provides services for hundreds of incarcerated LGBTQ Muslims across the globe. Mahdia lives in Chicago where she is a senior caregiver and works as a freelance writer, speaker and educator. You can learn more about Mahdia and her work at mahdialynn.com or on Twitter @mahdialynn
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
Welcome to March’s “Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
Grace Says:
Hey there, friend.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you. As a lifelong journaler myself, I get a pit in my stomach thinking about your privacy being violated in this way. Journals can be such important spaces for us to explore our feelings, to document our thoughts, and to find clarity about who we are and who we want to be. I am angry at your mom on your behalf for not only disregarding your privacy in such a personal way, but then using that information to hurt you even further.
It’s ok for you to be angry, too.
I really encourage you to not bury your feelings about this horrible situation, but rather to do whatever you have to do to bring them into the light of day. Do you need to sit on your floor and scream and cry so the whole neighborhood hears? Girl, I’ve been there. Do you need to put on your heaviest shoes and stomp around the block? Onlookers may wonder what cool new sport you’re training for, but feeling your feet hit the hard earth may help ground you in the present rather than reliving that “mom” look over and over again in your head. Take your time working through these emotions, and allow each one to come and go as they do. Doing any of these things will help these feelings work their way through your system until, eventually, you feel strong enough to tackle the next phase of this horrible mess your mom created.
Here’s the truth: your mom doesn’t know shit about who you are. It’s true. Parents like to think they know everything there is to know about the humans they created, but what they forget is that they created autonomous humans who lead their own lives and have their own thoughts and are allowed to have a secret or two. Your mom cannot tell you who you are. You know who you are, at any given moment, better than anyone else ever will. And who you are, at any given moment, is exactly who you should be.
There were quite a few years in my life when my greatest hope was to passively coexist with my queerness. I thought if I could get to a place where I wasn’t beating myself up for it everyday, that that would be good enough for me. Now, I say with 100% certainty that I love my queerness, without a single apology or condition. Being queer has taught me so much and brought so much joy, knowledge, reflection, understanding, and fierceness into my life that I would never want to be anything else. My greatest hope for you is that you get to this place as well. Know that you have a worldwide LGBTQ community here to lift you up and be your family every step of your journey.
Now, what should you say to your mom? I think you have some options and should do whatever you feel most comfortable and safe doing while taking care of your own wellbeing first and foremost. Humans have an enormous capacity for change if they’re willing to open themselves up to new truths, and I happen to know many parents who did just that and are now incredible advocates for the LGBTQ community. This may be the case for your mom, too. But even if it isn’t, and whether that process unfolds over a week or a decade, it doesn’t mean your mom is right, or, more importantly, that you’re wrong. It means that she is a human who is flawed and has her own histories that she’s wrestling with, and isn’t able to be the mother that you deserve right now. Nothing more.
If you’re comfortable, you can encourage your mom to visit My Kid Is Gay, our site that gives advice and support to parents like her who are struggling to understand their kid’s LGBTQIA identity. We even have a whole section dedicated to discussing religion, which seems to be a major sticking point for your mom. Here are some pieces that might be a good starting point:
Additionally, you can sign your mom up for Coming Out with Care, our e-care package for parents whose kids have recently come out, and set a copy of This Is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids (with a whole chapter about religion!) on her nightstand. Both are incredible resources for parents in her exact position.
Confronting a parent—or any adult, for that matter—about how they have hurt us can be an incredibly daunting task. It may feel enticing to never mention the journal reading or the resulting encounter ever again. However, I really encourage you to think about what it would be like to confront your mom about how she hurt you. Writing her a letter detailing how you feel is no less valid than having a conversation face-to-face. Addressing what happened and making your voice heard can be incredibly healing, which is exactly what you deserve. Healing.
However you decide to approach your mom about this, I hope you do so standing firmly in the truth that you know you, and no one gets to tell you that who you are is not who you should be. I also hope that you listen to this mixtape, which I made to encourage you to put your middle fingers to the sky and say to the world, “Fuck you, I know who I am.”
<3
Grace lives in Portland, Oregon and drinks a lot of coffee as a result. She works as the Senior Managing Editor of My Kid Is Gay, a site that provides advice and support to parents of LGBTQIA young people. She enjoys Vitamin D (in the form of sunshine, please), podcasts, intersectional feminism, and talking to people about their life goals. Follow her on Twitter @gracemanger
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
ICYMI: Getting In Bed with Kristin now happens live on Autostraddle’s Facebook live. Tune in Thursdays at 3pm, and follow the schedule here!
Welcome to February’s “Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
Gaby Says:
FIRST THINGS FIRST: you absolutely do not have to be casually hooking up if you don’t want to — even if you’re in an open relationship.
Is what you’re feeling the usual discomfort that comes from trying a new thing, or is this discomfort based in pressure to do something you’re not wired for? Being in an open relationship is about options and about honesty. It’s not about sexing everyone all the time, whether or not you’re into it. If you’re the type for whom sex and feelings are intertwined, don’t hurt yourself in some misguided attempt at being “cool.” Every “sexpert" I know is a nerd and a half. No one is cool.
Assuming you’re into the hook up, let me spin you a story: When I suddenly found myself single a couple years ago, I hit up anyone who’d ever seemed down to clown to ask, “‘Sup?”
These were friends I was interested in turning into one night stands, and then continuing the friendship. Whenever I texted a cis male buddy, he was at my place within the hour. The female friends took a little more schmoozing—an invitation to drinks before the hook up. (Which is great! They’re my friends first! It’s not a punishment to hang out before doing it.)
With friends you want to bone but don’t want to date, you have to make it VERY CLEAR that this is one-and-done, and you have to be telling the truth about staying friends. That doesn’t mean hanging out hoping it happens again or bailing entirely on the friendship post-bang. It means hanging out. As friends. And if someone flips this on you, you’re well within your rights to call them out or stop being friends. Choose these people carefully!
With total strangers, you have to be honest about your gut instincts. If something feels weird or sketchy, it probably is! Prioritize your safety and happiness over seeming “chill” or “polite” to a stranger you met on OKCupid, Bumble, or Craigslist. If you get even one bad vibe pre-meet up, don’t go. If you feel a little scared entering their home, don’t go in. You know deep down when you feel safe.
The movies make anonymous sex look spontaneous and sometimes, it can be. But it also requires protecting yourself. Always let a friend or a roommate know the address you’re going to, and a time when you’ll check in via text. If you don’t check in by that time, they should call the police. If someone is coming to your place, get them on the phone and voice verify that it is them and not someone who sounds completely different (for instance, that it’s a 25-year-old woman and not a 58-year-old man). If you can meet in a well-lit public place like a coffee shop beforehand, that’s even better. That way if you change your mind, you can ask for help. Do not get into someone’s car. If there’s nowhere for you guys to hook up, tough nuggies. Do you want to end up on the sex offenders registry or get driven to the desert and dumped? (None of this sounds very sexy, but better alive than sexy.)
A safer middle ground for sex with strangers is going to sex parties. Register for a Fetlife account and search “events." Check if the party is 18+ or 21+ so you don’t go and get turned away. Usually the parties have different hooks so make sure you find one that fits your desires. They’re completely anonymous. (I’ve never given out my last name and some people use fake first names too.)
The question I get a lot about sex parties is if you have to hook up. You never HAVE TO do anything in a sexual situation. Especially at these places. You can go solely to watch. You can only touch women and tell men “no thank you.” (At some parties, men can watch even if you tell them no touching, but showing off can be hot!) You can leave after 5 minutes. (Women usually get in free. Straight couples pay. Single men pay more.) The ones I’ve been to have more of a consent clause than a regular bar: any guy seen as bothering a woman is reprimanded and/or thrown out pretty swiftly. (They don’t want YOU to leave so they’d rather he go. Women, in my experience, have all the power.)
There are also less intense “sex” parties like the female-only Skirt Club, which hosts orgies, but also gentle meet-and-greet cocktail hours where women interested in casual sex with other women can drink, exchange numbers, and have a low pressure flirty time.
You can also take some friends and go out to a bar, drink VERY responsibly or not at all, and do a flirt with strangers just to get the hang of it. You can even partake in some making out in the safe space of the bar and you never have to go home with anyone. (Scandalous!)
If you’ve never done any casual anything before, you can start extra slow and meet an anonymous sexting buddy on an app like Tinder or Her. Some people don’t want to meet in person, and are happy to keep your sexy-times digital. This relieves any worry about catching feelings and/or putting yourself in harm’s way for a slap and a finger-bang. For this I recommend exchanging Snapchats, which can be anonymous and tells you if someone has screenshotted you. (If they do it without asking, SHUT IT DOWN.)
I hope this was helpful and also a little bit salacious! And if you find a stranger or a friend to hook up with, I even made you this sexy playlist called “GET YOUR FREAK ON.” Take care of yourself out there, soldier! Safety first!
Gaby Dunn is a writer, comedian, YouTuber, and author living in Los Angeles. She is the host of the Bad with Money podcast and author of NY Times Best Selling novel I Hate Everyone But You. The Bad with Money book comes out from Simon & Schuster in Fall 2018!
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
Welcome to January’s “An Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
Reneice Says:
Let me tell you a story. Years ago I decided one of my resolutions would be to get back into doing yoga three times/week. Of course, I bought an entire “new year, new me” luxury yoga kit: a Luluemon mat, cute activewear sets, fancy sports bras with the cute criss cross straps, two water bottles, and yoga blocks. I also got two Groupons for classes at popular studios in LA. I made it to approximately 4 classes before relinquishing yoga time for happy hour and Netflix time, leaving all my new swag–some with the tags still on–to collect dust.
About four months later, my motivation was renewed and I headed to what I thought was an advanced yoga class. I was in the mindset that jumping in at the level I was before I fell off the wagon, despite being way out of practice, and struggling at something that used to be easy for me would definitely get me motivated. I got to the studio, unrolled my lavender mat, framed it with my freshly unwrapped rainbow yoga blocks, and started stretching while waiting for the instructor to arrive. A few minutes later he came in, introduced himself, and thanked us for coming to the beginners flow class. I was pissed.
I wanted a challenge. I hadn’t been a beginner at yoga for eight years, and was definitely not interested in spending 90 minutes learning things I already knew. I was about to quietly pack up and leave when something told me to stay. I’d already made the effort of getting there, what was the harm in easing my way back in with a simple beginners class? I listened, I stayed, and let me tell you, that class kicked my ass. By the end I was exhausted and drenched in sweat. We held every pose for what felt like forever as the instructor walked around making minor adjustments to our form that made a major difference in how many muscles were engaged and how long they could hold out before the shakes set in. He explained that he had us in the poses for so long, and took such care with modifications because he didn’t want us leaving his class with weak foundations. That, he said, cheapens the entirety of your practice for the rest of your life. I was floored.
I left that class feeling so disappointed in myself. How could I have struggled that much in the class for newbies? More than I had in any advanced class in years? What was going on? As much as I wanted to brush the whole thing aside as a fluke, the instructor’s words stuck with me. I already had the answer: I’d been practicing with a weak foundation. Sure, I knew I could go to the advanced classes and complete the sequences, but I also knew that I’d eventually hit a wall with every pose that I couldn’t figure out how to move beyond. That was not for a lack of strength or ability, but simply because there’s only so much that can be built on a weak foundation.
So many of us have rolled into a new year with a mile-long list of resolutions that we are determined to succeed at–never mind that half the list is the same as it was last year; that was the “old us”, and this is the “new us”. All of a sudden we’re going to drink half our weight in water daily, wake up early for jogs, then make the green smoothie that we prepared ahead of time! We’ll also read more books, be more productive, go on more dates, and be nicer to our parents. But really? We won’t. We might try, but inevitably we’ll add yet another year to our history of made and abandoned resolutions and wonder “why do we always do this?” whilst returning to our old habits in defeat.
Here’s the thing: At its core, a resolution is simply a decision made mindfully to do (or not do) something. That’s it. It is one instantaneous item in a much larger overall process. That’s why so many of them go unfulfilled. Resolutions are easy to change, ignore, or give up on (especially if they’re overly optimistic)—plus they’re prone to ambiguity. Goals, on the other hand, are concrete, detailed, driven, and realistic. They have timelines attached for motivation and are much more than a snap decision scribbled on a piece of paper. We have to throw out our lists and see resolutions for the empty unnecessary promises they really are. We have to start a resolution revolution.
After my experience in that yoga class, I decided never to make a resolution again. Instead I’d set goals focused on internal improvement. I started to examine my cracks, identify patterns of behavior, and seek the root cause of my inability to achieve things I set out to do. The evidence all led back to one crucial place: I didn’t have the beginners level skill set needed to turn thoughts, hopes, and aspirations into dreams, then into goals, then actions, and finally achievements. The same is true for so many of us!
What you might need, instead of those detailed lists, is to work on a foundational principle: self-discipline. Without self-discipline you’ll never get to the achievement phase. You can read every self-help book in existence, go on every retreat out there, and still never take a step toward improvement if you don’t realize that somewhere along the way you never learned and strengthened the skills needed to make change occur.
So, to answer your question: “how do I make actual change that will actually last?’” Take the time to examine the cracks in your own foundation, then take what you find and practice! Practice self-discipline, practice self-awareness, practice mindfulness, practice confidence, practice self-sufficiency. Work only on those basic things first and I promise the rest will follow. All that practicing will take a lot of time and motivation, there’s no way around it. Fortunately there’s no lack of musical inspiration to help keep spirits high and minds on track while we work toward self-improvement, so I made you this playlist of some of my favorite songs to listen to on the way to crushing another goal. Play it, make a plan, and get ready for some change that will finally last.
Reneice Charles is a just another queer, liberal, woman of color using the Internet to escape from reality and failing miserably. She received her MSW from New York University and is an Entrepreneur and Vocalist living in Los Angeles. She spends her spare time wishing she didn't have to use her spare time convincing people that everyone deserves the same basic human rights.
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
So, recently you’ve found out some big news about somebody you care about. Maybe they came out to you as transgender and/or non-binary, maybe they’ve told you that they’re changing their name and/or that they’d like to be referred to by a different set of pronouns. Maybe—hopefully!—you want to be supportive of them but you’re worried you’re going to mess up (which is an understandable fear)!
Coming out is hard and the fact that they came out to you is a big deal! You should be proud of them for taking this big step and being honest with you about who they are. Changing the way you think about someone is a process, and you will mess up at some point! However, if you really love and respect this person, you will keep trying, and eventually it will become second nature to you.
As someone who has changed my own name and pronouns, here are some things that I feel are important to keep in mind as you’re getting used to this change.
1. Use the new, correct name and pronouns all the time—even when they’re not there to hear you, even when you’re just thinking about them in your head. This is because the end goal of this process shouldn’t be to retrain yourself to call them a certain thing, it should be to think of them in a certain way. By coming out to you and asking you to use their new name and pronouns, your loved one has shared with you something very real about who they really are. You should be trying to retrain your brain to know them by this name, because it’s their real name—much realer than the one they were being forced to use before.
2. Correct yourself when you get it wrong, even if they don’t say anything. It might be tempting to hope that it just slipped through the cracks and they didn’t notice your mistake. But trust me, they noticed. Being called by the wrong name or pronouns is jarring and painful, but sometimes it’s hard to stand up for yourself and say something.
3. Don’t over-apologize when you mess up! Apologize once, correct yourself, and move on. Apologizing over and over just brings more attention to it than they probably want, and going on and on about how bad you feel for getting it wrong puts pressure on them to comfort you, when this should really be about them and how they feel.
4. Correct other people too! Like I said, it can be very hard to muster the courage to correct people, especially over and over, so having allies in my life who are willing to do that work for me is a godsend. This is a really simple way to take on a little sliver of your loved one’s burden while they’re transitioning. Even a very simple reminder like, “Please don’t forget, Jamey uses they/them pronouns!” can be super helpful and take a lot of pressure off.
5. Be sensitive not to “out” them to people they’re not out to! (This is a caveat to #1 and #4, by the way, because you have to ask them if they’re comfortable with you using their new name and pronouns in front of others.) Coming out is a nerve-racking experience and it’s common not to come out to everyone in your life at once. Outing someone before they’re ready is a terrible, stressful, and sometimes dangerous position to put someone in. Ask who they’re comfortable being out to and be very careful to respect that.
6. Be patient if they change their mind on what they want to be called. It’s really tough to figure out what name and pronouns fit you best and feel the most comfortable without “trying them on” and seeing how it feels when other people use them. Experimentation is an important part of that! If someone changes their name a few times in a row trying to find something that fits, or changes their pronouns but then changes them back, that’s just a natural part of that experimentation.
7. Remember that they’re going through something very personal. Their transition is all about them and what makes them comfortable—not about you and what you think is best. If you don’t think their new name fits them, or if you don’t think the singular they is grammatically correct, or if you think trying to remember their new name and pronouns is too hard… those are all thoughts you should keep to yourself!
Again, coming out is really tough! If your loved one has gathered the strength to come out to you, trust that this is important to them. They know best about what they need to be called to be comfortable and happy. Do your best to put their needs first when it comes to this change and before long, hearing their old name and pronouns will sound almost as wrong to you as it does to them!
***
It’s been a big week for the Ali Forney Center, the largest LGBTQ homeless youth agency in the country. Based in New York City, the center has just opened the Bea Arthur Residence, an 18-bed housing facility created in honor of the late actress’s commitment to Ali Forney and LGBTQ people.
The 18-bed facility, located in New York’s East Village neighborhood, will house participants in the center’s two-year transitional living program, designed to prepare homeless LGBTQ young people for successfully living alone.
Arthur was a staunch LGBTQ rights advocate during her lifetime, and lent her support to the Ali Forney Center, which she praised for “saving lives,” on a number of occasions. A 2005 benefit performance of her one-woman show, “Bea Arthur on Broadway: Just Between Friends,” raised more than $40,000 for the center.
When she died in 2009, the Emmy- and Tony-winning actress left $300,000 to the Ali Forney Center in her will. At the time, officials say the facility had been struggling to survive because it had fallen behind on rent.
Part of Arthur’s donation was used to renovate the building that will accommodate the shelter. In 2012, the New York City Council and the Manhattan borough president allocated an additional $3.3 million toward the renovations.
Gosh, I love New York and I love LGBTQ chosen family and I love this.
Welcome to December’s “An Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
“I am going home for Christmas, and it is the first time that I am out to everyone as gay: my parents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. I am really anxious about it. No one has even done or said anything to make me feel like it won't be fine, but I just feel like there is some kind of weird spotlight on me that I don't want!! Do you have any advice for how to calm down?!? I'd also love a little advice on what to do if someone does say something that is upsetting...”
Be Says:
First: take a moment to recognize how brave you are! You came out to your family! You should be deeply proud of yourself. Look at your fine self in the mirror and say, “Yea boo. You did it.”
Now Christmas. The spotlight. The eyeballs. The questions! The comments. The strong drinks, ugly sweaters, weird gifts, bad jokes, all of it. Holidays are a lot, even without a big rainbow elephant sitting in the corner. Even family members’ gestures of kindness can feel extra. In theory, the ideal way to receive a loved one when they “come out” is to thank them, ask what they need, and continue loving them as you did before. Anything other than that (unless solicited) feels like work.
There’s a lot of literature about online about how to support your family after you come out; how to answer questions, or what to do when/if they say something hurtful. Of course you want to be sensitive to their journeys… but Christmas is a lot, and taking on everyone’s separate journey at once may be a tall order.
When it gets to be too much, give yourself permission to step away. Take a breather. Make some tea. Meditate. Go for a walk. Maybe you’ll find the thing to say, and come back with love and knowledge for your confused kinfolk. Maybe you won’t come back. It’s your call. Keep in mind, you deserve peace too. It is not your job to educate every member of your family at once. You may want to circle back and chat with family members in small doses. But for the holidays, find the space that feels safe and comfy for you. I know–as a queer person, a Black person, and a woman–when someone says something ignorant in my presence, I rarely have the words to respond in the moment. I’m so shocked and hurt that I can’t articulate–I can’t even wrap my head around the possibility that someone could say something so cruel. I usually need to regroup before I can address it, if that’s what I choose to do. The point is: take care of you, and find your happy place.
Let this playlist be your Christmas cup of tea/coffee/cocoa/toddy. These tunes will give you some calm, warm, and affirming vibes to adorn your safer space. This space could be a brisk walk in the woods, it could be a room with a candle, it could be your cousin’s car. Wherever you find peace, allow yourself the time refuel, smile and remember: “Yeah boo, you did it.”
Be Steadwell is a singer songwriter from Washington DC. With roots in jazz, acapella and folk - Be calls her blend of genres QUEER POP. In her live performances, she utilizes loop pedal vocal layering and beat boxing to compose her songs on stage. Be's original music features her earnest lyricism, and proud LGBTQ content.
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
Take 15% off everything in the store through Monday using the code GAYTURKEY!
2017 seems like a great year for gifting gay apparel to all of your loved ones…
Take 15% off everything in the store through Monday using the code GAYTURKEY!
2017 seems like a great year for gifting gay apparel to all of your loved ones...
Welcome to November’s “An Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
“Hi, I'm thirteen and I've been questioning whether I am bi or not. I am a girl and I identify as one, but what I am not sure of is if I'm straight and just making illusions for myself, or bi, or just lesbian and denying it, or something else I don't know of. Uugh, it's all so weird. How could I find out what I am?”
Kristin Says:
It is confusing, isn’t it? We are given these letter-shaped symbols to mush together in ways that will explain our millions of feelings to ourselves and to other people, and they don’t always just “fit.” Now, I do like letters and words, and I think that they can help us work through our feelings in incredible ways. For example, it is helpful for me to be able to say “My name is Kristin and Demi Lovato has come out as not straight and that makes me feel SIMPLY DELIGHTED.”
Now, I know you didn’t ask me about my feelings regarding Demi Lovato, but I do think they are relevant. Hear me out. Right now, in the year 2017, I call myself bisexual because I know I have the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender. I also call myself queer because I love the word and all of its infinite possibilities. In years past I identified as a lesbian, because I didn’t yet fully understand all of my attractions (do we ever?), but I knew that I felt at home in the “lesbian culture” of the early 2000s (think The L Word, fedoras, pin stripes, and lip gloss). I have used a lot of words over the years to help me move through my various understandings of myself, but one thing has remained true: when I think a girl is pretty (and especially if that girl is into kissing other girls), I am SIMPLY DELIGHTED.
There isn’t really a word for that feeling, and it’s one I have had for as long as I can remember. It’s a feeling that I had before I even knew I had it, but it is also one that took me a lot of time to understand.
When I was thirteen, my best friend’s name was Katie. She was hilarious and loud and strong and her hair was always shiny and smelled like this one deliciously incredible conditioner, the name of which I cannot remember, but that came in a blue plastic bottle. I never thought about kissing Katie, ever. I thought about the idea of dating boys (seemed interesting) and the asshole teacher who made me spit out my gum even when it wasn’t disturbing anyone (the worst) and how much I loved music (it made me feel like I could do anything) and how I wanted to dye my hair using Manic Panic (blocked by parental bullshit, of course). Looking back on my friendship with Katie, I can now draw connections between the way I felt about her and her hair, and my reasons for going out of my way to get the same conditioner so I could smell that amazing smell all the time… but that is because I am now 36 years old, and I have a wife and a cat and a long history of crushing and dating and wondering and questioning – which is what you are doing now!
*blasts ‘The Circle of Life’*
Here is one promise that I can make to you: You are not making illusions for yourself. If you have feelings that are confusing when it comes to people of many genders, that is real: you have confusing feelings about people of many genders! I will go out on a limb here and say that prooooobably means you aren’t 100000000% straight, and that it will also likely shift and change as you grow. And I am not trying to pull some “you’re 13 and shit will change because you are young now” crap on you, I am literally saying that your attractions and desires will shift and change forever.
Part of our identity is the wondering. Do you want to kiss the girl in your science class? Rad! I’ve been there. Do you want to hold hands with the boy who lives three houses down? Makes total sense. Do you want to spoon with the nonbinary barista at your local coffeeshop? Hooboy, I totally get that. For now, maybe that means you choose to call yourself bisexual. Even if you kiss that girl in your science class and it isn’t fireworks, you can still call yourself bisexual! And, if you do suddenly realize that, hey, you aren’t attracted to more than one gender after all? THAT IS OKAY! It doesn’t mean you were just lying to yourself about your feelings before, it just means that you have a mind that is open to the many possibilities that exist out here in this crazy world.
Before I go and leave you with all of life’s confusing feelings, let me do two more things to try to help you walk this maze (we all walk it! I promise!). First, let’s break your question into three concise lil bits:
How do you know what to *call* yourself? I think most of us just choose a word that seems kind-of-correct and then change it down the line if we find something that fits even better. It’s okay to do that, and it isn’t “attention seeking” or “lying” to yourself or anyone else to try on identity words and see how they feel.
How do you know you aren’t lying to yourself? Well, you wrote into an advice site anonymously to figure out more about feelings you are having. That isn’t the typical behavior of a person who is lying about their feelings… it is the typical behavior of a person who has very real feelings that they are trying to sort through. Trust your feelings. The world out here will try to tell you not to trust them, especially when you are a girl, and that is a giant pile of bulllllllshittttt. Your feelings are real. Confusing as all hell, sure, but real.
How do you know what you are? You’re you. I know, I know, my part-time job is probably writing cards for Hallmark… BUT IT IS TRUE. You are you and right now that you has confusing feelings about attraction and sexuality and identity. Some of that will always be confusing, and some of it will solidify over time. For now, explore those feelings. Write them down. Remember to trust yourself, and remember that you can be more than one thing (at the same time! at different times! ahhhh!).
Second, some music. I mentioned earlier that music made me feel like I could do anything when I was thirteen. It still makes me feel like that, and it also helps me stand up to a world that tells me to doubt myself and my feelings. Music helps me face those confusing feelings and say “fuck off, world, I can be something different than what you expect. I can change. I can be a million things all at once, and I don’t have to pick one and I don’t have to apologize.”
Last week I asked all of my internet pals to tell me about songs made them feel like they could be whatever the fuck they wanted to be, and so together we created this mixtape for you. When you are feeling that creeping doubt, pop your headphones in and remember that you are who you say you are even if that is *not knowing exactly who you are*, and anyone who challenges that can SCREW.
Kristin runs Everyone Is Gay, My Kid Is Gay, and OUR Restroom, co-authored This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids, and worked as host & producer of PBS Digital’s LGBTQ series First Person. Additionally, she co-hosts a weekly Buffy the Vampire Slayer podcast called Buffering the Vampire Slayer with her wife, Jenny Owen Youngs. You can follow her on twitter @kristinnoeline
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
Visiting family for Thanksgiving can be challenging. Your dinner companions may say hurtful, offensive things about race, gender identity, sexual harassment and assault, birth control coverage, abortion, or any number of topics — which can feel stressful, isolating, or enraging.
So this Thanksgiving, we’re giving you some tips on how to deal with your family when things get hard:
There are lots of great resources out there to help guide you in tough conversations, here are a few to get you started:
In support and solidarity,
-Julia at Planned Parenthood
There have been twenty five trans people murdered in the US this year. That’s cruel. That’s evil. That’s miserable. It’s impossible to make it through a year like this alone. For those of us who have lived through this year, we’ve had to rely on the love and help and support of our chosen families to make it as far as we have. Chosen family is important to all queer people, and for trans women of color, it’s often the difference between life and death. Here are a few of the trans women I know and love expressing how chosen family has helped them this year.
Now more relevant than ever.
Bringing this back for Trans Day of Remembrance. Love your kids. Protect them. Advocate for them. Rinse, and repeat.
[Illustration by @damianimated 🎨 ]
Congratulations California on being the first state in the nation to officially recognize a third gender! 🌈 Thank you California Gov. Jerry Brown! 🌈
If you or someone you know needs support, we’re here for you 24/7 at: 866.488.7386🌟 Text and chat available at: TrevorProject.org/Help 🌟
Hello! We are starting a new advice series here at Everyone Is Gay called “An Honest Mixtape”! Every month we will feature a new guest writer who will tackle one of your advice questions with words *and* music!
"Hi, I have known I was queer for a while (like... a while. a long while) but haven't actually come out to anyone until a month ago (to my out gay friend at church camp–different story). The problem is, I have no idea how to tell people. Sometimes I feel like yelling "HEY I ACTUALLY ALSO LIKE GIRLS THANKS" when my roommate walks through the door or talks about guys, but there is always the fear I have that I will be treated differently. What should I do?”
Kathy Says:
Hey, friend. First and foremost, I just want to say to you that your feelings are completely valid! I remember when my friends would talk about boys or dates to the school dance or celebrity crushes, and I would feel so left out, because I had absolutely nothing to contribute. Believe you me, had I known I was queer back in school, I would absolutely have wanted to jump in and add who I was crushing on.
Okay, now onto your actual question. You have the urge to come out to the people around you, but you’re afraid that people will treat you differently.
I think that if you have the urge to come out, you should absolutely do so. Listen to your gut on this one -- and it seems like your gut wants to tell people! I think that people tend to emulate the energy that you give out to them, so that’s a good thing to keep in mind when you take the plunge. For example, if you are just bursting to tell your roommate that you’re also into girls, tell them with all the excitement in your body, and more likely than not they will be excited with you! I mean, don’t just shout “HEY I AM A GAY!” at them as they walk through the door, because that might be confusing...
Personally, I like coming out to people in the chillest way possible. When people talk about their partners, I will casually slip in something about a girl I used to date, or a girl I’ve had a crush on, or a girl I think is cute. Sometimes people raise an eyebrow, so I follow up with, “oh yeah, I’m into girls too,” and then I move on. Because I am completely relaxed about it, usually the people I’m talking to are too. I’ve also come out by having “the conversation”: I sat someone down and I said, “hey, here’s a thing I want you to know about me...” and proceeded to talk to them about my sexuality.
Another thing I’ve learned: the people you come out to sometimes need time to process what you’ve just told them, and giving them the space to do that will be helpful. Maybe your roommate will just take things in stride and immediately begin talk to you about your thoughts on Demi Lovato’s girlfriend -- but it is also possible that she will hesitate at first and then find her footing once she has a moment (or a few days) to process.
If the thing you’re most worried about is people treating you differently after you’ve come out to them, well… the harsh reality is that you have absolutely no control over how other people are going to treat you. Some people are going to be dickheads and make inane comments about lesbians or bisexuality. That’s on them. They need to learn to not do that, or you just don’t need them in your life. Sometimes people are going to ask dumb questions, or make hurtful remarks without thinking twice about it. You may be the first person in their lives to tell them what they’re saying is hurtful. In spite of this, there will also be people who are super supportive of your sexuality. There really is no controlling it.
Since you’ve only told a few people so far, I’d start coming out to the people around you who you trust, and the ones you feel like need to know most–for your own sanity (like your roommate!). I get the feeling that the main reason you want to scream “I AM A GAY!” at your roommate is because you haven’t had the opportunity to talk about your sexuality very often with people. You can start slow and have a few longer conversations with people; don’t feel like you have to cast a wide net when you come out. It’s not a race and it never will be!
Also keep in mind that you can be as out as you want to be. Coming out can mean telling your friends and family about your sexuality. But it can also mean presenting more authentically as yourself (e.g. more androgynous, more feminine, more butch). It can mean writing in your journal about how you’re feeling. It can also mean going to queer-normative spaces like a gay bar, a queer art show, or generally the entire Pacific Northwest (just kidding about the Pacific Northwest... but also maybe not kidding, I hear it’s pretty queer over there).
I’ve got a playlist here of music that my girlfriend help me put together. It’s by mostly queer artists who write about various aspects of queerness and are all out in different degrees. I hope you can take inspiration from them, and feel more agency in your coming out story.
You can be as out as you want to be.
Kathy is the co-host and producer of Nancy, a podcast about the LGBTQ experience today. Prior to Nancy, Kathy worked on The Memory Palace, The Mortified Podcast, Masterpiece Studio, and others. And prior to that she was an EMT and law school grad. It's been a trip. Kathy's on twitter @_ktu.
Cover Art designed by the incredible Isabella Rotman!
