so yeah what are you supposed to do when you’re at the age where everything you do actually counts for your future but you have 0% of your shit together and are 150% depressed

La llamada - María Perlita. (via dxpresick)

BPD… You mean “I’m so scared that my explosive feelings are gonna drive everyone I love away?”

completely unneeded

No offense but why do I feel like obsessiveness and possessiveness are attractive qualities that I need in a relationship, or else I fear they must not like or want me

the thing is my fear of abandonment will always be stronger than the love people provide

The problem with being borderline is that you can’t wrap your head around the fact that your friends can have other friends and still like you.

Submitted anonymously

me: doesn’t text first out of fear of being annoying

also me: fuck they probably think i don’t care about them or the friendship because i never hit them up first

Depression can be something you battle with for months or years, it’s different for everybody and it effects everyone differently, not everybody can get themselves out of that hole & eventually they’ll get to a point where it becomes too much to handle, you wanna end your life believing that things can’t or won’t get better. I never understood how a person could hate life so much as to take their own life leaving everything and everyone they ever loved behind. How could someone be so hurt? How bad could something be for someone to end their own life? I started off middle school excited with no worries in the world i was eager to make friends and expierence the “freedom” that comes along with being in middle school & i enjoyed it, i made great friends and i was never alone but who knew that a year later i’d be contemplating suicide. In 7th grade I noticed myself become more anxious and nervous about things but i didn’t think anything of it, i didn’t know anything about mental health therefore i was clueless as to why my hands got sweaty, why i always felt sick & as to why my mind would race everytime i was walking down the hall, waiting on line for lunch, entering the building every morning, getting on the bus, asking for help, participating in gym or class, walking into a store, sitting in a waiting room, standing next to someone i don’t know, being on the spot or fuck even sharpening my pencil or going into my bag in the middle of a lesson or even sitting up front or in between two people. I was bullied & targeted by a few guys, it lowered my self esteem and i was so scared of going to school. i watched teachers do nothing about the situation even after i tried reaching out for help, they were all fully aware of what was going on but yet did nothing about it and i felt helpless. It all started with anxiety and as 8th grade began, i fell into a deep depression, i was in love with somebody and after it ending i began to lose interest in things that once made me happy. I was irritated all the time over nothing, i was always angry and almost everything would piss me off. I didn’t wanna talk to my friends anymore so i pushed them away, i ignored my family, i didn’t do homework, i skipped class (mostly first period) everyday bc the kids who bullied me where there & so was my ex, whom i was still in love with. The bullying continued along with being heartbroken you can’t imagine the state i was in. I had lost so much energy i was always tired and i was always sleeping, i kept a towel on my window to block out any light & sometimes i’d get off the bus and immediately start cying as i tried to hide it while i walked home trying to recuperate knowing somebody would be home. I started to cut, i did it for a few months until a friend found out and snitched to the school. It was state testing week and i opted out so i would hang out with my friends and everybody else who opted out in the cafeteria. I was called down by the social worker and escorted to the psychologists office. I knew something was up so me already struggling with anxiety began to panic. They sat me down and asked if i was cutting, i said no and they said to show them my arms and so i broke down. I was so embarrassed i hated crying in front of people, they found out they called my mom and said i couldn’t come back until i was cleared by a hospital. They took me down to the principles office where id meet my mom who was in tears. We got in the car and she asked to see where i was cutting, i had to show her and as i did she got hysterical. If you’ve ever seen your mom cry you know damn well how heartbreaking it is and it’s certain you’ll cry too. My home life was ok before all this even started, i was a happy child full of love and life. At the hospital they asked me so many personal questions, i lied to each one bc i wanted to leave i had zero energy left in me all i wanted to do was sleep. After a few looong hours they let me go. They recommended a therapist so my mom made an appointment aaand once again…i had to repeat my story. All they knew about was my cutting and depression, i never mentioned the panic attacks, the times i couldn’t breathe. I had to keep switching therapist bc of scheduling and each time i would have to repeat my story with my mom in the room, i fucking hated it! I was more angry then ever before like you have my file you know what’s up why i gotta keep repeating myself to strangers who make money off listening to other people’s problems acting like they care? Anyway i was prescribed antidepressants over the summer before heading into high school, I started at a low dose from 25mg to now 100mg and that is the only thing i’m thankful for in therapy. Therapy was a waste of my time i didn’t use it bc i didn’t need it. I wasn’t the type of person to discuss my problems, i had a private life and if i wanted to discuss it with anyone i would but that just wasnt me. The meds helped A LOT, i still wasn’t talking to friends or answering texts or phone calls but i was slowly making progress. I was still tired but my energy levels slowly got better. I didn’t cover my window up anymore, my appetite increased and i was longer in love with that boy, i learned to let go and although it didn’t help my anxiety it definitely helped my depression. I stopped cutting and communicated with my family more often. Well it was time for high school, i didn’t go to orientation bc of course…anxiety. So i was sooo lost the first day i was so scared i remember panicking the second i woke up BUT my depression was slowly lifting and i didn’t feel the way i felt in 7th and 8th grade. It was great! i finally had the energy for school! I had sooo much more energy the meds really started to work and it made me super happy. My anxiety was still high but it was getting better, i still panicked over little things but i learned how to cope and deal with it. My grades were beyond what i ever imagined could be. The bullying stopped. I was still distant but i slowly began to open up again and as the school year ended, i couldn’t believe i got through freshman year. I never ever thought i was gonna make it to 9th grade hell i never thought i’d finish 8th grade. I thought i would be dead, i was in hell. I wanted to kill myself everyday i was so suicidal. It was the worst i had ever been in my life and i never thought something like this could ever happen to me. 10th grade, my depression seemed invisible, some days were better then others and i would occasionally put myself down but at least i was able to bring myself back up again compared to when i was in 8th grade where i couldn’t do jack shit. Literally getting out of bed was a struggle lmao. My anxiety got so much better i wasn’t scared of waiting on line for food anymore, the little things i was terrified of doing went down dramatically and yes i still panic but it’s not as bad as to when i couldn’t breath (literally) I get a little jittery and my mind does still race but it’s nothing compared to 7th grade me. Now i’m 16 heading into 11th grade still fighting an anxiety disorder and still struggling with depression & occasional sadness but nothing i can’t handle. There are still days where my energy level is -928.9 but it’s not often i’ve actually been really happy, i’ve never been this happy. I’m proud of myself for making it this far i have high hopes for my future. One thing i will mention that actually helps me with my anxiety is weed. I smoke often and i love it. Allll my anxiety disappears and doing it often definitely helps, soon enough you’ll see it decrease and you’ll get better. I know i’ll always struggle with depression and anxiety, it’s changed my life in ways i can’t explain but thanks to good people and…weed :) i feel like i can actually live a life. Weed and antidepressants has changed my life for the better. My self confidence has gotten a lot better and i’m just a happy person. This was only 50% or less of my story with depression i just don’t wanna type it all out lol

I know I’m not that easy to love

i can sleep as much as i want but i’m never going to stop being exhausted