three steps forward, and four steps back.

Two steps forward, and three steps back.

One step forward, and two steps back.

One ste—— one s-

Freeze.

I think I’m out of steps….. or at least, I am unsure of what the next one should be, because pattern seems to be matter how many steps forward…… I’ll just end up going back.

The question of course is going back to what and it’s not so much a what, as it is a where.

The problem is I continually and back up here.

there seems to always be a way back here to this place where I feel so unlike myself.

Where:

I can’t see past my fingertips,

I can’t see past the night,

I can’t see past today,

I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel,

I can’t see into the future,

and I don’t see what I’m waiting for.

to the place where it’s me versus my brain and my brain is winning.

To the place that I’m not supposed to indulge when it Hass to be just me versus my thoughts

But

I suppose they aren’t really my thoughts. I have to remember at times like this, but my thoughts and they are mean are not my own.

But I cannot listen to the things my brain yells at me

when I am alone.

I can’t listen because don’t matter how quiet 1 AM feels…..

Birds chirp when the sun rises in messages streaming after the alarm goes off

And I’m not alone anymore.

Don’t be a stranger!

Feel free to say hi!

You’re always welcome to shoot me an email. 

Please keep in contact.

Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything!

if I need anything?

If I ……. Need…. Anything?

I need…… everything.

I need to know this interaction won’t be some hallucination. I think my brain on the darkest hours of the night.

I need …… to know that my time here and with this group of people meant something

I need to know that I did a good job.

I need to know that once I leave and the possibility of my return becomes, and if I don’t win that it won’t be till whispers against my impact….. or lack there of

I need to know that I said hopefully the reconnection will not be buried beneath mounds of spam, begging for a renewed subscription, offering thousands and loans and begging you to use a 15% coupon.

I need what ancient humans have search millennia for…….. connection.

I need to know that the connection I felt in the conversations you shared a real.

I need to know that if I want to, I can send the updates and someone out there you remember how far I have come. Will indulge and laugh with me as we think about how small naïve I was so that we might compare a smaller naïve I still am.

I need to know that there was someone out there, who saw me the horrible together mess that I was, and still chose to invest time in me.

I need to know all this and more so that when I come back and say thank you and offer my deepest gratitude for so so much…….

that not only do they remember me fondly, but they smile and greet me but their tone implies joy seeing my name in their In box or hearing my voice or seeing my face

And as we begin what it should be hours of check-in, they remind me that I should not be a stranger for the song again

genuinely kinda hate ovulation week extra because what do you mean I suddenly I want to get railed sith in an inch of my life by my partner. I am still figuring out how being ace applies to me and how mental illness impacts intimacy for me and all that but on any other day. I BARELY BARELY want to be intimate with myself so like

this weekend being so aroused I could barely stand it and go out and just thinking of how absolutely intoxicating I could be for them if they had gone out with me absolutely exhausting.

Looking at the profile through the screen and wanting their mouth all over me like literature and media says is an exceptional experience. Wanting to ride them while they play with their friends online and whisper the highest of praise to me

like body FOCUS PLS

Another Life

In another life I am in bed by

10pm sharp.

I am showered , stretched , full and mentally prepped for the following day.

I will get up at 6am and start a morning routine vital to my success and be out the door and where I am need by 9am.

Classes and two shows later mean the day starts bright and early.

In another life

I am getting fitted for two costumes between practice.

My fleece leggings are still cold from the ice but nothing the rooms small heater can’t solve.

I am excited about a sequence I have been practicing getting increasingly better.

an ode to to years of practice and falls.

In another life I am memorizing the latest batch of lines.

They are exquisite and the character so well written.

I smile gently flipping through the pages eagerly awaiting when rehearsals can start.

There are many variations of this thought and yet the only commonality is that all these dreams are un hindered. Unhindered by the stress snd weight of a disorder since childhood.

in all these moments it does not exist or had been dealt with so surely and soundly it is but a fleeting memory.

I hope in all universes except this one I got to see those ambitions through without working about the physical repercussions of anxiety.

New Years

and here we find ourselves fast approaching another years end but also a new beginning.

at least that what it should be

should feel like

but as

fate

would have it I once again find myself not seeing much to look back fondly on and even less to embrace the newness of the future towards.

as unoriginal as it feels I am woefully, tremendously, deeply, and secretly so very worried about this next year.

I don’t need it to feel as oppressively imposing as it

but it …..does.

another birthday awaits me next year and it’s the birthday everything changes.

A crossing of the threshold of life and while I have battled and won against the fear of age the beauty industry insists and tirelessly tries to poison me with

I have not defeated the social contract.

The expectations.

The dreams and hopes

that by —— I’d have something to show for it.

1. A savings account

2. A 401k

3. A home

4. A stable income

5. practical and commendable life skills

I have none of that and each new years I enter jt feels less and less appropriate

and even less like anyone cares.

Perhaps however I simply need to grow up.

Stiff upper lip and stop whining.

All the horrific catch phases meant to tell a fellow struggling human “ get with the program.”

…….and if the program has ….exhausted me?

has left me behind, insulted me , wore me to bone , corrupted my mind and frozen my heart….and my ability to offer geace to the one person who needs it most……

myself.

what then?

The year is fast approaching and I am once again staring it down bubbles in hand , confetti at the ready and heart heavy because …

this is the year for change

and I am not up to the task this year.

And we must face another week.

anyway I have to make a really bad choice for myself because I had anxiety so bad last week I was constantly ill but in a way that feels fake when I try and describe it so I couldn’t explain to my work.

So as a result I put stuff off snd missed a deadline and in grand scheme it doesn’t really matter but I’m sure it will and I’ll get reprimanded and that’s fair and right fully so because the greater context is professionalism and courtesy which I also get.

so anyway this bad choice a mini all nighter to get a task list from hell done before clocking in at 6am.

wish me luck friends!