I usually keep everything to myself but this really gets under my skin. My cousin didn’t have to serve jail time for raping me because he is such a good citizen. I didn’t know that being a good citizen gets arrested at least twice a year with some kind of assault. For years I got bullied for years because “I slept with my cousin”. Throughout high school I got called a whore and a slut because of that. What did he get? He got a slap on this wrist and got to live a normal life. I got the sleepless nights, the days where leaving my bed seemed impossible. I got the random crying fits. Society doesn’t make sense to me. How is everything he does okay? Is he just going to continue to get slaps on the wrist while I think about dying?

One Day

Why does depression and anxiety have get the best of me?! I feel fine for months and then out of no where, it feels like my whole life is crashing around me. I feel like I can never do anything that makes everyone happy. It seems like I can be happy and then people get pissed or I'm miserable and everyone else is happy. I’m so tired of ALWAYS feeling like I’m never going to be good enough for anyone. I just want someone to love me for me. For my depression issues and anxiety issues. I didn’t choose this life, it just happened. I got dealt a crappy hand and never a good one. One day I will be good enough. One day I will be surrounded by positive people and have nothing to do with the negative. I cannot wait for that  day. One day.....

If heaven wasn't so far away, I'd go every day. I think it hurts me more than I let on about not having my dad and my grandparents. It really sucks. I wasn't ready to lose any of them. I just want to make them proud. Half of the time I feel like I am and the other half I feel like I'm failing them. When important people die in your life, it's never easy but I thought time was supposed to heal everything.

I thought I fell in love when I was a freshman in high school. I thought that even though I was so much younger than him, he would still love me. I thought he actually meant what he said. I was in love with the thought of being in love. Little did I know that it wasn't love. Three years later, I thought I found the guy that I would spend the rest of my life with. This time I was positive that I was really in love. But when you're in love with someone, it's not supposed to be this painful. Well it is if you're the only one in love. I didn't want to picture my life without him. I didn't want to not have him in my life. I wanted him so bad. Now that it's been a few months that we've been over, I've realized that being alone is perfectly okay. You can't love someone until you love yourself. If you don't love yourself, no one else can. I guess my point is that no matter what, be true to yourself. For both of the relationships, I had to give up things just to make the person happy. Wait until you find the one that loves you for who you are. You never know, it could be your best friend.