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@elephanter99-blog

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unsounded

Oh I’m an asshole.

So today pulling into Stop and Shop, this lady cut me off and nearly drove into me, and then, when I tried to pass her, she swung to the right and nearly hit me again, and then flipped me off.

So somebody is having a bad day and taking it out on me. That’s fine. It’s harmless, and I don’t know what’s going on in this woman’s life. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt she’s not just a piece of shit and is just having a bad day.

But then I park and she follows me, and gets out of the car and starts swearing at me and getting in my face.

Now I go from “indifferent” to “I’m gonna fuck with this woman’s head.” Now I would say I’m a gentleman of size, and in all black and bemohawked I probably look spookier than I actually am, so props to this lady for getting in my face. Now of course I’m not going to hit her, or even threaten violence. That’s shitty. Nobody should get threatened with violence.

Instead, I take a step back, narrowing my eyes like I’m studying her face really closely, and then I touch one of the several piece of “occulty” jewelry I’m wearing (none of which, by the way, are magicked in any way at all). Then I mumble some nonsense under my breath, and then make the fig gesture and the horns at her.

She stops, wide-eyed.

“WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO ME?”

I chuckled, and shake my head. “Nothing at all.” I say in a not-terrible convincing voice. “But every time something bad happens to you today, you’re gonna be thinking of me.”

Then I winked at her, and walked away.

This is savage and genius

perks-of-being-chinese
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gamegrrl

different types of drunks

1. Party Drunk:

  • will talk to anyone and everyone
  • only does shots
  • has to literally be dragged home at the end of the night because they refuse to acknowledge that the party has ended and they’re the only person still there

2. Blissful Drunk

  • does nothing but laugh
  • just happy to be included
  • too good for this world
  • loves you so much even though they just met you four minutes ago
  • probably also does acid

3. Emotional Drunk

  • not great at parties
  • is either crying tears of sorrow bc there’s no chips left or crying tears of gratitude bc someone showed them where the bathroom is
  • brings out everyone’s inner mother

4. Parent Drunk

  • keeps everyone’s shit together
  • everyone thinks they’re sober but they’ve actually had 5 shots in an hour
  • knows when u need to go home and will make sure you get there
  • holds back your hair when you’re vomiting at 3am

5. Slutty Drunk

  • never gets cold
  • makeup never smudges
  • never has to buy their own drinks
  • you think they’re sloppy and have no idea what they’re doing but every move is calculated and intentional

6. Sloppy Drunk

  • wasted by 10pm
  • needs to be taken home early
  • will drink anything you give them as long as there’s alcohol in it
  • a Mess
  • never learns from their mistakes