Peter: Hey Mr. Loki, can I have some advise?
Loki: A knife.
Peter: uh... do you have any other advice?
Loki: Two knives.
Peter:
Peter: broken? That's what we're going with? You wanna know what broken MEANS? DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT 'BROKEN' UNTIL YOU'VE LOST EVERY FATHER FIGURE YOU'VE EVER HAD. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT BROKEN UNTIL YOU'VE WATCHED YOUR MENTOR- NO, FATHER- TAKE HIS LAST BREATH. Broken is when you're SIXTEEN and ALREADY HAVE PTSD from fighting TWO BRUTAL BATTLES IN ONE DAY. I have unresolvable trust issues after being betrayed and almost KILLED by a man I respected. I can't let myself love without being terrified that I'll lose them. I'm plagued by nightmares night after night, but GUESS WHAT? THEY DON'T FUCKING END WHEN I WAKE UP
McDonald's server, calling security: sir please it's an ice cream machine
bucky: do you sell happy meals?
Server: we do
bucky: yeah can I get just the happy, without the meal
Server:
bucky: please
Peter: So basically my plan for being able to keep up with anything for pretty much this month is to just not sleep, drink a lot of coffee, and hope the power of Halloween can get me through it all.
Tony:
Tony: Do you take constructive criticism?
Peter: not without crying
Peter: Mr loki, why is your helmet so big and metal?
Loki: so I can attract lightening.
Peter: *gasp* Mr loki no don’t say tha-
Thor, pinching loki’s butt: it’s working sexy
tony: [awkwardly picking up crying Peter] it’s okay, when you grow up, you’ll learn to do this on the inside.
Steve: What do you want for breakfast Peter? Pancakes? Cereal?
Peter: I wish to devour the unborn!
Steve:..
Tony: Eggs, Steve.
Tony: Rosemary’s baby wants eggs.
Peter: um Mr loki sir? Can you help me?
Loki: what is it now spider-peasant?
Peter: well it’s just that I didn’t do very well on my Spanish test…
Loki: and?
Peter: and the teacher said only an act of God could make me pass now.
Loki:…
Loki: I’m on it.
Ned: Hey is that Tony Stark?
Peter: Oh no, you can’t let him see me like this!
Ned: Like what?
Peter: [inhales] ᴵᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ʷᵉᵃʳⁱⁿᵍ ᵐʸ ᶜᵒᵒˡ ˢᵒᶜᵏˢ ᵗᵒᵈᵃʸ
tony: it’s late, you should stay over for the night. just take clint’s room
peter: i can’t take his room, he’s here
tony: oh it’s fine. he sleeps in the vents. he basically just… lives in the vents.
clint, from the vents: the wifi is so fucking fast in here
Peter : okay Mr Winter, if you had a gun with two bullets and and you were in the room with Thanos, Loki and Zola who would you shoot?
Bucky : I’d shoot Sam. Twice.
Sam : I wasn’t even one of the options what the fuck-
justincorrectmarvel
Tony: *tries to start the car but fails* Welp, we’re officially stuck in the snow
Peter: Don’t worry, I came prepared!
Tony:
Peter: *pulls a box of Goldfish out of his backpack*
Tony: How is that going to help us?
Peter: I never said it would
Tony:
Peter: *Shakes the bag in front of Tony* want some?
Tony: *sighs*
Tony: Yes
Peter: I have good news!…and bad news, which do you want to hear first?
Tony:
Tony: Good
Peter: it is very unlikely that I will ever, EVER do it again.
justincorrectmarvel
If Peter and Shuri had a sleepover in Wakanda
*Muffled Flamingo playing from Shuri’s room*
T’Challa: SHURI, PETER, IT’S TWO IN THE MORNING AND THIS IS THE SIXTH TIME YOU’VE PLAYED THAT SONG, GO TO SLEEP!
Shuri: *Yelling from her room* One question!
T’Challa:
T’Challa: What?
*Silence*
Shuri and Peter: How many shrimps do you have to eat before you make your skin turn pink?
justincorrectmarvel
Peter: You have a Symbiote inside you?
Eddie: Yes
Peter: So, are you guys like married then or something?
Eddie: N-
Venom: YES!
Peter: Guys? I need your help with something.
Avengers: [start pulling out weapons]
Peter: [opens math textbook]
Steve, dropping his shield: Oh… that kind of help. Where’s Banner?
Tony: Hey, Pete. Whatcha reading that has you smiling like that?
Peter, reading an Ironstrange fanfic on his phone: Um, nothing really.
Tony: Oh, come on. What’s it called!
Peter: [sweating nervously] Um, you really wouldn’t like it. Really. It’s boring. And stupid.
Tony: Nonsense! Tony Stark has RANGE. He can enjoy a multitude of things! Some you may be surprised by.
Tony: [peeks at the phone before Peter can get it away]
Tony: Did I just- Is that what I think it is?
Tony watching Peter get his arm stuck in a vending machine: Sometimes I think it's a good thing he's cute and got bitten by a radioactive spider cos you kinda have to assume life would be very hard for him otherwise
Peter: I have cat like senses
Tony: Don’t you mean spider-
Cat: *walks by*
Peter: *points at cat*
Peter: I like that cat
Peter: mr Stark makes me go to therapy for my pete-TSD
Tony: kid. we’ve talked about the-
Peter: it’s my joking mechanism
Tony: please stop