The weak point of Tolkien’s legendarium for me is that the Dead Men of Dunharrow are forced to live under a mountain waiting for a battle, and the Numenoreans who invaded Valinor are forced to live under a mountain waiting for a battle, and that’s one too many groups of people who are forced to live under a mountain waiting for a battle, in my opinion.
Gandalf: *appears in valinor* hey I took on a balrog. We killed each other. Any chance you can send me back?
Manwe: yeah sure. But don’t let it happen again.
*few weeks later*
Gandalf: *appears in valinor again* I…uh…I choked on an olive this time…
It’s 2019 and I’m constantly avoiding carbs and I love sushi so maybe I relate more to Sméagol than Sam Gamgee? Is that possible?
Boromir: I had a dream to seek for the sword that was broken…
Elrond: yes, that is here?
Boromir: oh, is it a specific sword? You elves lost so many fights against Morgoth I figured you had a ton of broken swords. I didn’t know which one it was referring to.
How am I supposed to reconcile this:
“Gandalf was shorter in stature than the other two; but his long white hair, his sweeping silver beard, and his broad shoulders, made him look like some wise king of ancient legend. In his aged face under great snowy brows his eyes were set like coals that could suddenly burst into fire.”
With this:
“But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat.”
So Gandalf looks like a wise king of ancient legend, but with eyebrows that are longer than a shady hat? They have to be like 4 or 5 inches long, how am I supposed to picture him as a wise king with those things on his face?
Smaug: I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong strong.
Bilbo: Can I point out, saying you kill where you wish and none dare resist is kind of weird? Like, if no one resists you, then you killing them isn’t very impressive. It’s only impressive if you kill someone who is resisting you. Anyone can kill someone who isn’t trying to defend themselves, you realize.
Gandalf: I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and not by its maker
Me: no plainer, really Gandalf? There’s nothing about that that you could clarify further? Nothing at all?
Middle Earth has cram, a biscuit that is unpleasant to eat, which is based on hardtack, a real life counterpart that Tolkein would have eaten while at war. Middle Earth also has lembas, a delicious elven bread that is based on the fact that the real world sucks and fantasy is way better.
Why did people in the Hobbit think Sauron was a Necromancer? Did they SEE him raise any dead people? Did they even get close enough to Dol Guldur to spy on some dark rituals? Or was it mostly ad hoc slander to justify kicking out a PEACEFUL spirit from his home who RARELY kidnapped any dwarves.
Me: So the sword that was broken…that’s actually about erectile dysfunction, right?
My literature professor: no, it’s the broken lineage of Numenor
Me: but…beneath that…it’s erectile dysfunction, right?
Lord of the Rings, except the Fellowship includes one disaffected orc played by Taika Waititi.
I always forget that Rohan is north of Gondor because I associate Rohan with cowboys and Gondor with like, city folk, and it’s weird thinking about cowboys living north of the city folk, you know? It just feels like they should be in the warmer south.
Now news came to Hithlum that Dorthonion was lost and the sons of Finarfin overthrown, and that the sons of Fëanor were driven from their lands. Then Fingolfin beheld the utter ruin of the Noldor, and the defeat beyond redress of all their houses; and filled with wrath and despair he went to his room, ate half a box of cookies while crying, and took a four hour long depression nap.
Saruman: Moria… You fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep.
Gimli: Wait, what do you mean too deep? We’re miners! We didn’t know there was a limit. Why is it too deep? Did the Balrog call dibs on that depth? We didn’t know there was a Balrog, why is it our fault that we awoke something evil that we didn’t know about? Talk about blaming the victim here.
With so many people upset about the final season of Game of Thrones, I’m getting nervous about the upcoming Lord of the Rings show.
“I can’t believe they didn’t show Sauron convincing the king to perform human sacrifice!”
“I totally thought the fall of Numenor was going to take more than one episode. Like, that wave was barely fifty feet high!”
“In the books Elendil is like 8 feet tall, I can’t believe they couldn’t find an actor taller than 6′1.”
Sam reading Frodo’s writing
“An angry Ent is terrifying. Their fingers, and their toes, just freeze on to rock; and they tear it up like bread-crust”
Sam: You have to stop writing when you’re hungry, Mr. Frodo. Have a snack and then get back to it.
Once they found out he was immortal and could be sent back, I’m surprised Merry and Pippin didn’t try to get Gandalf to do outrageously dangerous stunts for their amusement.
The school officer chases behind me as I run across campus, fleeing to avoid my math final. “A Elbereth Gilthoniel!” I shout, praying for help. The officer trips over a bike rack and I make it safely to the KFC across the street.
*frodo and sam are lying on a rock as lava flows next to them*
frodo: sam, i need you to do me a favor. tell elrond that i destroyed the ring. dont mention gollum.
sam: what about your missing finger, sir?
frodo: oh jeez, i dont know. say i stuck it in the lava.
sam: why would you do that?
frodo: we’re hobbit, we’ve never seen lava before. maybe i thought it was okay to touch.
When Elrond decided to hold a council about the One Ring, he needed a way to call people to it. Like, Faramir and Boromir both had dreams inviting them to Rivendell. And I can’t help but picture Elrond touching his creased forehead with his index fingers, concentrating super strong, sending out brain signals. Like, how else did he invite them? It’s a weird mental image, but I can’t see it any other way.