one sec i’m trying to remember a very amusing shitpost about chickens that i wrote in my head last night during bedtime
when chickens claw at the dirt for bugs they’re channeling the wrath of their gargantuan dinosaur ancestors gazing down to survey their prey with neither pity nor mercy in their black beady eyes
um.. gaud this is scarily accurate: i have 4 chickens and this in literally uncanny
Bernadette :)
one sec i’m trying to remember a very amusing shitpost about chickens that i wrote in my head last night during bedtime
when chickens claw at the dirt for bugs they’re channeling the wrath of their gargantuan dinosaur ancestors gazing down to survey their prey with neither pity nor mercy in their black beady eyes
um.. gaud this is scarily accurate: i have 4 chickens and this in literally uncanny
mmm borger
made perfect borger, iz good
Gaud’s Juicy Fuck*ng Borger Recipe
use hands to mix in bowl:
round each patty into beautiful spheres. flatten slightly, like you changed your mind last minute. pan grill medium/high until however long feels right
i topped mine w/ blackberry preserves, goats cheese, chipotle mayo, & avocado. next will be experimenting w/ hot pepper jelly. also where the heck can i buy brioche buns, they’re harder to find than mythical pokemon
Y’all I made this tonight and it’s literally the best burger I’ve ever eaten holy shit (even without the stuff added on cuz I didn’t want to leave the house)
@atadape submitted: I’ve created your burger. I’d like to recommend Gochujang instead of ketchup. (Goes good with the goat cheese and pepper jelly) did you have dijon mustard originally? That goes good too. Thanks for the recipe!
my mom keeps coming over to my town and going "wheres the baby?" and i have to help her find sherb so she can talk to him lmao
I 100% support your mother’s behaviour
Bother 2 whole birds AND a tree with this one (1) easy tune
adulthood is just continuously checking the clock to see if i can take another advil
*sighs* someone submitted the entire Bee Movie transcript into my inbox again
Hey Gaud, why are you so predictable?
Disaster strikes each and every time I try to defy the prophecy, I've learned not to question it
Today I tried pineapple on pizza for the first time and it actually tasted good WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW?!?? I am horrified
fun fact i don’t enjoy pizza unless it involves pineapple. pizza in general is overrated; pineapple is a transformative addition
what’s the most grown up and mature way of saying “i was unable to make this phone call bc i was worried i was gonna cry”
“I was unable to take a call due to a medical issue”
The medical issue being chemical imbalances in your brain causing you to be emotionally unstable, even though theres nothing wrong with crying
Oh well fuck
there are plenty of fish in the sea but not actually bc overfishing & pollution are huge problems. haven’t u noticed how expensive seafood is
This is an interesting analogy about dating too.
oh no there are plenty of horny people actually
not if we starting hunting them, too
No don’t hunt me your so sexy
woo i am such a fan of dramatic plants. just prissy fucking plantlife, be it unreasonable or implacable or ostentatious. plants, man
u know what yeah, let’s talk about weird nonsense plants
these plants imitate rocks. who does that?
imagine deciding to straight up evolve into rocks as a defense mechanism. i had a whole rant planned but now i’m remembering that i have, in the past, on multiple occasions, daydreamed about being a rock. like that has been a recurring theme in my rich inner fantasy life. i would not forsake the opportunity to evolve into a stone.
ostentatious. flamboyant. vulgar. garish. randy. dare i say whorish? yes. this plant is whorish.
pucker up you hussy
overused trope. lacks subtlety and creativity. truly, they just went with the first thought to pop in their head, no brainstorming involved. “ho ho ho i’m just gonna grow into a fucking HEART, that’ll show em!” Needy & basic bitch. looks cute on a desk
manages to be both psychedelic and disapproving. reminiscent of a prudish great aunt–but like, one who did a lot of LSD in the 70s. evidence of an alien lifeform who crash landed and then decided, fuck it, i’m gonna rent a one-story in the midwest and decorate it with vintage wood paneling & floral upholstery. probably smells like stale weed and glass ashtrays
yes that is their NAME. sort of anticlimactic, but take a gander:
they are absolute sluts for drama, as demonstrated by the little hussies pictured above are YELLING AT ME. they bring to mind seagulls engaged in a Shakespearean blood feud. this flowers have committed aggravated manslaughter and probably got away with it too.
aka Cat’s Whiskers aka Devil Flower. how fucking emo is that??? this plant listens to mcr and is probably the gay cousin. they never got the hang of eyeliner but that doesn’t stop them from trying, bless em. their impetuous devil-may-care persona is hindered by their crippling social anxiety. i’m immensely fond of this plant. they’ll come into their own once they graduate and move away from college, but in the mean time they sit with the tech crew at lunch. you go little Bat Plant!
total band kids. also called Semaphore Plants, bc they look like they’re trying to flag down a plane. nifty fuckers
solar clitoris of a thousand galaxies bursting on my tongue
per @syntaxandsemantics request
crows & ravens are just two different evolution levels of the same pokemon
i think one of my favourite jokes is about crows and ravens. apparently, ravens have 17 pinion feathers while a crow only has 16, so really the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion.
:))))
This, folks, is why I love this app
