I've never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin than I have in the last couple of months, and after a lot of thought and patience and introspection, I've decided on something completely new to me.

Reinvention. With almost everything. Name, environment, goals. I need to reestablish who I am and where I want to go and how I want to be seen.

This is going to be a hard process and I feel like a detached support is best for me. I don't know exactly what this will entail but I'm ready to get started.

It was an over-21 hour day, but I can now say that I've worked on a LADY GAGA MUSIC VIDEO. FUCK YEAH, WHAT A CAREER.

Plus I worked with her a lot... she's awesome.

I'm so tired.

ALERT ALERT, personal blog is now open!!

Decided to create a more personal blog so I don't have to feel bad about bothering people with personal posts! 

FOLLOW THIS BLOG if you want to keep up with me in any way shape or form!!! I will still be using this for fandom purposes, but I will follow you back if you go to my new blog as well!!!

REBLOG THIS!

onlyfoxingaround onlyfoxingaround onlyfoxingaround onlyfoxingaround

I have no idea why these photos are so blurry (they're from the shelter website), but when I met her, her hair had grown out quite a bit and she looked like a fluffy wolf pup. Everyone, meet Mischa. I want her.

So here is an update on my life (not that anyone cares, I just feel like writing...)

I've been living in Los Angeles for over seven months now, and the past over-five months, I've been living in a townhouse with my super amazing housemate and even better friend, Liz. With her came two dogs, one of which very recently, and very suddenly, passed away not even two weeks ago. I love living with Liz. I like to think that she was one of the best things to ever happen to me. We're family now.

Anyway, since living in LA starting mid-summer, I have been working in production. I've done everything from creating special events, awards ceremonies, red carpets, and afterparties, to commercials, web series, television shows, and movies. I've acted, I've sung, I've seen some real success. 

So why am I here venting? Because as much as I adore Los Angeles and never want to leave... I want to leave. See, I'm from New Jersey. I just up and decided to skip town and move 3,000 miles away from. I'm a long way from my family, from being there for my little sister's first day of high school, or her first real boyfriend, or her concerts. I missed my little brother's 18th birthday, my mom being in the hospital, my dad's adoption of yet another job, and every other seemingly small and insignificant detail. 

Sometimes I just feel sad and watch my little sister's YouTube channel, watch her goof off with her friends, or call my brother just to hear him say, "What do you want? Whatever, bye", in his awkward monotonous voice. Or I call my mom just to say hi, or my dad just so he and I know that we're both alive and well. 

And so I think that this may be a good time to take a step back. I told my parents that this would be a temporary fix, and maybe it's best that I leave now. All of my biggest dreams and desires seem to lead to Los Angeles, so I will always come back here. I just hope that I can make some similar strides in New York City in the meantime. 

I'm really scared to though. I don't want to go back and be seen as, or worse- see myself as, a failure. I did a lot of growing up here, and I want to be able to take my experiences here that inspired me and helped me, and apply them to my future. And I really don't want to leave Liz. Of course, I made some truly amazing friends while I was here, who will always be my friends and just to reassure them- this isn't the end of a friendship, just me going away for a while! But Liz, like I said, has been one of the best things, and people, to ever happen to me. She has been one of my closest friends and confidant, charmed my parents and other family members, helps me with work and my social life, and has fully accepted who I am and has been such an amazing person. It literally, physically pains me to think of parting with her and not living with her anymore. It seriously is killing me.

But I've decided on something. And this will sound crazy, but if I were to leave California, I would drive across the country. And I may be adopting my dream dog shortly before departing. Liz and I found her at a shelter in Seal Beach and we fell in love, but Liz said no because she was too big. Her name is Mischa, and she is a one year old German Shepard and Husky mix. Basically, she's perfect. And if the shelter allows me, and everything goes my way, I could have the most amazing companion by my side when I leave here (besides my father, who would be flying out to help me pack and drive back with me). 

News to come, but I just wanted to get all that off my chest. Ouch.

Day five of working on a new commercial! It's been touch and go for awhile, but we finally have a wonderful DP and a fresh crew, our producer is awesome, and our production team is overall super great.