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velvet and jeans, who could say no to a combo like that

i’m not gonna lie, if i wasn’t so lost i’d be fuming pissed that my mental health is ruining everything. and i’d be fuming pissed that it’s taking away my ability to reach for new help. but honestly, when i’m not 100% dissociated and unsure if i’m even real, i don’t care enough to be that mad. i’m too out of it. too lost. i wish i still had the ability to manage the time of day. the day of the week. the month it is. i don’t know how long this has been getting worse for, and i don’t know what time today it started ruining my relationship, but i officially don’t remember what my trigger was, what i said, what i got in return, what i had a problem with.. none of it. i remember nothing. i just told him on the phone i hope he isn’t offended when i don’t remember the conversation, i’ll only remember how it made me feel. but i can feel those feelings vanishing. i wish i could tell him that without seeming psycho to him and his friends, and without feeling like i’m making excuses for being a shitty listener. i wish i could figure out why i keep getting dizzy while i look at my phone. i wish i could figure out why i no longer remember what it feels like to be a real, functional person. i wish i remembered how to start figuring it out. i wish i knew what that phone call made me feel. i wish i knew how i make him feel. he just fucking told me and i don’t know what he said. i don’t know what it made me feel like. everything is gone. everything is distant and lost and slipping more and more as the time goes by. the last time i checked the time and remembered the time was at 3:30 pm and it’s 5:14 am now. i’m supposed to be taking care of my friends baby tomorrow, technically today. i’m supposed to be responsible for a small human and i’m not even capable of being responsible for myself. i can’t even figure out what i’m thinking anymore. my mind is so chaotic but i can’t hear it, i just know it is. i can’t hear my thoughts unless they’re a trigger thought. the only things i feel and remember feeling are anxiety or anxiety-driven anger, or sadness. i’m supposed to be graduating high school this year. i’m supposed to be an independent student getting it done this year. i’m supposed to be making this life worth it on my own with no parents and no support from anybody but my boyfriend who i just fucking ruined and felt nothing about. i can’t even cry. i know i need him. i know i need his commitment. but i can’t even explain how far away i feel from being real, and being physically here, everything i knew is gone and everyone i had is gone. i don’t even have myself anymore. hell, why else would i post on a tumblr i don’t use and have no followers on? i’m so far from functioning. but i have no other choice than to stay in this limbo because i can’t even pay attention to reality long enough to plan a suicide. does everyone get like this? does everyone’s mind make them believe they don’t exist and don’t have feelings at some point in their lives? nothing makes any sense. nothing. makes. sense.