S06E09 - “Statistical Probabilities”

Probability of fashion: low.

Never tell me the odds

Jack wears a black sweater, black blazer, black slacks, and a goatee, and might as well be wearing a fedora because HOLY SHIT SHUT UP ALREADY.

It is statistically probable that you know the correct procedure for whistling

Patrick, in the background, wears a grey sweatsuit with serged seams that have no purpose whatsoever in the garment. Wardrobe, did you literally just cut a sweatshirt into pieces just so you could serge the seams back shut? Weirdos.

Lauren, in the foreground, was apparently genetically modified by the Hawkeye Initiative. Great Christ my hip joints are cramping up just looking at that poor actress. She is all in red, because of course only women with super high sex drives wear red, and of course women with super high sex drives must be defective. Ugh. Fuck you, show.

Anyway, her outfit is kinda boring for the Sexy Siren trope that she's clearly meant to invoke; her rather shapeless dress has long sleeves and a grandma's-silk-scarf sort of pattern, and while it has a Sexy Thigh Slit of Sexiness No Really (tm), the slit reveals opaque red tights and YES MATCHING SHOES. Nothing says "take me now, lover" like control-top pantyhose the color of tomato soup.

Silence is... greyish-green, apparently

Wardrobe has carried matching-tights-and-shoes to the next level with Sarina by adding matching slacks, top, and makeup. Am I supposed to think she's a zombie, or just that they used some Cardassian DNA in her modification? Also the whole outfit is a fuzzy-ish texture that might be corduroy or might be velour. The wraparound tunic top is flattering, at least.

On another note WHAT IS WITH THAT CHAIR. Apparently only your wrists get armrests and the rest of your arms can just suck it up. Perhaps it's a chair for people with genetically enhanced elbows.

Is she going to bite me?

No seriously, that makeup job is awful. Her hair's cute, though.

Jingle all the way (to the bank)

Quark, is that a new coat, or has it just been so long that I've forgotten it? It's a nice deep red and a GIANT WALE corduroy. And some golden jingle bells for the closure. Quark's: get your Christmas shopping started early!

Going, going, gone

Okay. Um. This is literally how they beam out. So... does the place where they normally live just know to have a couch ready for Lauren on the transporter pad? Or is she about to arrive in midair and fall about three feet onto her butt? I HAVE QUESTIONS.

And with questions but no answers, this episode comes to a close. Probably.

S06E08 - “Resurrection”

Can fashion, once dead, ever be revived? I say not, but they keep bringing back bell bottoms.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Oh goody, it's Blandy McBlanderson from the Blander Universe. Sweet smoking Jesus, DS9 of ALL the characters you could've brought back from the dead, you chose the one least distinguishable from an actual corpse.

Of course he's in brown leather over more brown leather, because the mirror universe is a terrible place of hard living and oppression and open shirts. And inexplicably feathered hair. Stop trying to make Sexy!Bareil happen. It's not going to happen.

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

We've seen Vedeks from this order before, of course, but this one has made his sash from some 1970s polyester slacks. LOOK I SAID STOP BRINGING THAT SHIT BACK.

The wind chime player in the background is almost Christan Slater, he swears.

Incense and sensibility

The acolytes or deacons or whatever they are get a nicer, simpler look: a plain robe with a crossover closure, and a belt to make it secure. And I think a long sleeved under-robe. Looks comfy, which is good, 'cause that censer looks heavy.

We're all bland here

Notable backgrounders: a guy entirely in sage green, someone apparently cosplaying as the Cheshire Cat (just behind Kira), and oh hey, our old friend the Monk of Root Beer!

Jump for my love

WHYYYYYYYYYYY. Okay yes, Jadzia looks good even in a purple jumpsuit with peasant-blouse neckline and sleeves. I just. THIS IS NOT A DISCO INFERNO.

Grape of wrath

I'm not sure why Worf & Jadzia had to have matching outfits for their first dinner as a married couple, but I love purple too much to care. Plus the simple cross-front blouse looks good on him. A bit like a karate gi. But then what Klingon doesn't work the martial look?

I'm sorry, were you saying something again?

Look, when your date literally blends in with your walls, that's not a good thing. Even the merry-men boots do not save this disastrous chemistry-free "love scene" from making me gag. Oh hey look, is that one of Ziyal's paintings on the wall?

I'm sorry, was I saying something?

Yeah, we've done Mirror!Kira's jumpsuit before, but she does work it so. Who but Nana Visitor could look sexy in a silver oven-mitt with seat belts? It's really a shame that neither Kira has any chemistry whatsoever with whatsoevershisname.

I'm sorry, were we all saying something?

Among the bargoers watching Mirror!Bareil drink himself into a stupor are a guy in brown, another guy in brown, a third guy in brown, a woman in uniform, and a woman in a kickin' low-backed number that's either a dress or a sweater or a sweater dress. She wins, but it was, well, a low bar.

Sage advice

This is not the same backgrounder in sage. It is a different backgrounder in sage. Y'all, my rods and cones are beginning to atrophy.

Fortunately Quark is here to the rescue! I kinda think we've seen this jacket before? But it looks a bit different so I'm not sure. Maybe the light. Whatever, I'm just gonna stare at it like the delightful fruit salad of a fabric that it is.

When I am an old woman, I shall wear braid crowns

Old Bajoran ladies got braid crown game, I tell ya. I'm pretty sure I remember the lady in mustard brown from when Sisko was having visions. Whatever, she is DONE with today. The lady in layered shades of maroon is similarly not having any of Bareil's shit.

That's all the fashion I could dig up from the grave that is this episode.

In conclusion:

S06E07 - “You Are Cordially Invited”

WEDDING EPISODE! Surely we'll have some fabulous fashions here, right? Right? And NO BUTT-BOWS.

We are NOT amused

Sirella: not having any of your shit. This seems to be a purple gown under a peacock-feather-print sleeveless robe, which I absolutely adore but which seems a little frivolous for a Klingon? But really, who's going to have the guts to criticize?

Over it is this heavy gold collar-necklace that kinda shifts position on her shoulders throughout the episode. I'd suggest it might be a subtle indicator of mood, except that Sirella's mood is permanently "unimpressed".

Heavy metal

That collar has srs epaulets, a centerpiece that doubles as an hourglass, and dangles that I'm pretty sure are the molars of her enemies. I theorize that there are no Klingon dentists.

Every one of us is made to suffer

Sirella is so hardcore that she is wearing a TIARA OF BROKEN GLASS. I'm just saying.

Meanwhile, back in the CAVERN OF PAIN

Worf and his companions wear the less fancy but more practical version of the sleeveless robe, in quilted brown some-fabric-or-other (probably if they'd been on Klingon it would be the hides of beasts that they slew themselves in the mountains) with some intimidating red insignia and many, many pockets. I love the pockets! But why do they need pockets for the Ceremony of Suffering or whatever it's called? Maybe they fill the pockets with rocks so they have more weight to carry around.

Button up your overcoat when the wind blows free...

The Robes of Suffering also have hoods. I guess you don't want your ears to get cold in the... sweltering heat. Okay.

Meanwhile, back in the HABITAT QUARTERS ALSO OF PAIN

Back to Sirella! The robe is off, the collar is pulled backward and wider across her shoulders, presumably to follow the line of that leather mock turtleneck. It looks grandly regal and fantastically uncomfortable.

No pain, no swain

I'm pretty sure this is just Jadzia's Starfleet uniform minus the jacket and turtleneck, right? Except either the pants were always super high-waisted or the tank top is two-toned, I can't tell.

Sirella's got some groovy chevron detail on her sleeves, an interesting overskirt/underskirt thing going on with the gown, and despite not wearing armor, she's still got the "spine of your enemies" thing on her back that Klingon soldiers wear. DO NOT MESS.

Efficiency experts

One of Dax's guests has worn his PJs to the party, to save time when he passes out. Behind him, another guest has worn his hair-shirt to the party, saving time by doing penance while he's still committing the sin.

Come on baby disable the automated fire-suppression systems in the habitat wing and light my fire

This is the only decent screencap of this cute dress of Kira's where we see the interesting hemline thing. It's either a giant peplum or a small bustle. Dax is wearing the same dress she wore for the Bajoran gratitude ceremony, way back when. Still cute!

Lt. Atoa's drummers are in generic Hawaiian (or "Hawaiian") shirts and leis. But why do they have grass skirts on their heads? Isn't it hard to drum with grass in their eyes?

This is how you wear it, guys

Lt. Atoa himself at least knows which part of his body the grass skirt goes on. Under that is a pair of shorts and Samoan ie wrap that may or may not be attached. Sirella would disapprove of the fact that his necklace of teeth is probably not from an animal he killed with his bare hands.

Now? Now? Can I hit him now? How about now?

Julian & Miles are still wearing the Robes of Suffering. Or actually newly-replicated ones, probably. Presumably they've showered. I really hope they've showered.

Martok has a fluffy red scarf-- beg its pardon, sash-- over his uniform for the occasion. Chenille: truly a warrior's fabric.

Is this a Dax I see before me

Okay I don't know what I expected for traditional Klingon wedding attire, but it was certainly not somebody's high school production of Macbeth. Chunky spiky crown, giant gem, velour tunic quilted with spangles to look like cartoon royalty (presumably Martok's sash was a remnant from this), and... is the undershirt made of a (snakeskin? fish scale?) printed lycra. WHAT THE FUCK, WARDROBE.

Arrr, damned spot

In addition to these indignities, Dax has to put up with the "cold shoulder" (there are actually shoulderless sweaters called this, I kid you not) and the Lursa-and-Betor boob window. The drop waist and the train are nice, if expected. The puffy sleeves are... I don't even know. The whole thing is like Lady Macbeth meets Anne Bonny.

And with that, this marriage of styles is concluded. You may now ignore the bride.

S06E06 - “Sacrifice of Angels”

Stay tuned for the next episode of: Benjamin's Angels!

Quilted for your comfort

Aw, Nog's got a new headskirt to match his new uniform. And it's even got the same pinstripe quilting as the uniform shoulders! That's so thoughtful of Starfleet.

Sir, I don't think that's how you use that

Nothing new in the uniforms, but an interesting little close-up of the weird fabric of the sleeves: thermal upper arms and quilted forearms, with vinyl elbow pads sewn in? Don't put him in, Coach, I don't think he's quite ready to play.

Love is a battlefield. Space station. Whatever.

Leeta has a cute sort of Valley Girl style dress in a lavender jersey, although it kinda looks like she cut out the neckline herself. (Hey, I do that with t-shirts too.) She also has a cute new haircut! Hit 'em with your best shot, Leeta.

Last dance with Tora Ziyal

Actually it's Ziyal who hits them with her best shot, where by "them" we mean the brig controls. We've seen this dress, but one last appreciation post for it; it's a nice full-length view that shows the tailoring and the modest side slits. Live fast, die young, and... yeah.

Words fail me

Sisko celebrates victory with a Bajoran officer, Odo, and... a mime? A circus performer? In orange suspenders and a lime green undershirt. A LIME MIME. Someone call Cirque de Soleil; one of their performers has wandered off.

Interchangeable angels

Yet another Dabo girl in this same outfit. Maybe it's not a shared outfit but a whole lot of identical outfits. Christ that thing looks uncomfortable. Imagine pantyhose, but all over your body. Ugh. I was a dancer, i.e. used to wearing tights & leotards, and I'd have still hated wearing that.

I do love that for the party, she and her fellow Dabo Girl have got full-on TOS bouffants. Presumably in honor of a good old-fashioned space-ass-kicking.

Rising to the occasion

DAMMIT JAKE WHY ARE YOU SO TALL. Anyway. In the background, look who's come back for the party-- our old friend Grape Soda! Time to celebrate with some root beer!

That's all for this one, Angels. Job well done!

S06E05 - “Favor the Bold”

Fashion favors the bold! Wait, is that how that goes?

Buckling down

Admiral Sitak, I'm not sure that greyish lipstick is a good color on anybody. It looks kind of... necrotic.

Admiral Coburn shows us that in addition to Command Jogging Cuffs, the new admiral uniforms have Ginormous Belt Buckles of Authority. I wonder if there are Starfleet cowboy boots, too.

Putting your finger on the problem

I think we may have seen this guy before and his Leather Jacket of Smugglerness. What I never noticed before is his HUGE PROSTHETIC INDEX FINGER. Hey Westmore: this effect would work a lot better if we couldn't see the edges. And the STRING tying it to his hand.

And also a sense of personal space

Weyoun: "My people lack a sense of aesthetics." Me: "WELL THAT EXPLAINS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT."

So that purple stripe at his hairline: bad lighting effect or bad dye job? You know, a good stylist would've put some lotion on there first to make that easier to wipe away. I'm just saying.

That's a wrap

I cannot imagine trying to tie a gift ribbon while wearing leather gloves that don't fit. (Why can't Morn get gloves that fit?) I'm also not sure why Morn's wrapping his presents in the bar instead of in his quarters. (Wait, does he have quarters?) Anyway, props to Morn for being on the side of good. Even if his gift ribbon looks like a necktie from the early 80s.

Crowning achievement

We've seen Ziyal's dress before, but I wanna give a little love to that hairstyle. That is a proper braid crown, high and thick, with enough hair left to do a ponytail. Her hair must look fabulous when it's down.

She's a little distressed that Kira won't have time to finish her inventory of the Costco jars of mayo.

All I wanna do is zoom-a zoom zoom zoom

D'awww, look at the photo of Ben & Jake on Ben's desk. I even recognize the shirt Jake's wearing from a previous DttDS9s.

It's so cute how the starfleet insignia representing ships on the strategic map are actually tilted to match their vector. It's like a little fleet of flying comm badges! Zoom! Zoom! Zooooooom!

And though the holes were very small

What the hell is with Admiral Ross' taste in art??? This is, what, a grease-stained air vent studded with random rods and bolts? A present his kid made him in arc welding class? Debris from a Pakled ship he shot down?

Not my bag, baby

Impractical Luggage! It's sorta one of those one-strap crossbody backpacks, but worn on the front...? Which might seem like a good idea to get into your stuff, except it's too high up to actually look through, and the flap opens away from you so you're effectively showing everyone else your stuff while you can't actually see it yourself. Theft-proofing: FAIL.

This is the army, Mister Nog

In closing, I leave you with Nog in his new uniform! Engineer gold, which makes sense. Congratulations, Ensign!

S06E04 - “Behind the Lines”

What lines are we talking about? A-lines? Princess seams? Drop waists? Let's take a look...

The syntho-grapes of syntho-wrath

This is kind of a groovy bottle, but what's weird to me is the canvas strap, apparently for hanging. Why would you... where would you... no matter how you use that strap, that bottle's gonna be banging against the bulkheads and/or spilling everywhere.

Also, why are we sitting at tables made of searchlights covered in chain-link fence? Y'know, prop department, when I complain about there never being enough light in these shots, I didn't mean the solution was FLOODLIGHTS IN THE FACE.

The party don't start 'til we walk in

Some Jem'Hadar of the Bare Chest Brigade swagger into Quark's. All the Bajorans clutch their sweaters a little more tightly.

So no one told you space was gonna be this way

Admiral Ross (yes, really) displays the Admiralty Wrist Bands, which I'd almost forgotten about. They look like those retroreflective bands for joggers. Which I guess you need, given the aforementioned pervasive lighting problem.

I'm not into his taste in art. It looks like it's about to start assimilating his office.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your invasion's DOA

I wasn't gonna continue that joke but suddenly I got a good look at Weyoun's hair. The Dominion are clearly exploiting Cardassia's hair gel resources for themselves.

PS your coat's still weird.

The lines behind

Okay I do not usually make fun of people's butts. But. (Butt.) Wardrobe, you needed to think this through. The changelings are not solid. They can be literally any shape. Whatever you dress them in is supposed to be the shape they chose to craft for themselves. THEY WOULD NOT INTENTIONALLY CRAFT PANTY LINES.

The alien in red

This backgrounder is in a shiny red and gold dress/robe/thing that I really wish we could see more of! Also the Madonna platinum topknot is nicely dramatic. Goes well with the slim lines. I'm not even mad that it clashes pretty badly with their skin tone becasue HOLY HELL AN INTERESTING OUTFIT I MAY HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

That is, sadly, all the fashion that's fit to print. Keep yourselves in line!

S06E03 - “Sons and Daughters”

Lock up your sons and daughters and horses! Of course it's hard to... y'know what I don't know what rhymes with "Klingon armor".

wa'... singular sensation

Five new recruits for the Rotarran, looking like the headshot pose from A Chorus Line. Won't forget, can't regret, what I did for HONOR.

Alexander Rozhenko... my name is Alexander Rozhenko... and there's a million things I didn't know...

Alexander, all grown up and looking to rival Anakin Skywalker for the Sullen Pout award. I guess I'd pout too if I had my head stuck through a-- hey, I have that exact heating pad! Except mine doesn't have a neck hole. That might be really good for shoulder aches, actually.

Getting this off my chest

Jake, honey, for a sec I thought you had a slightly weird new vest, until I realized you're just sitting backwards in the chair. It's been long enough that I honestly can't remember if we've seen this shirt/vest combo before, but I think we have. Because there's a war on, and nobody feels like buying new clothes, and even if they did, THERE'S NO TAILOR NOW OOPS.

Frame... what's your name?

Awwww. this looks like maybe Alexander made the frame in one of Deanna's art classes on the Enterprise. Er I mean something something WARRIOR RIDGES.

Workin' nine to five

Kira's got that wrap-front 80s power suit on again. I'm starting to think maybe that shade of purple isn't so great with her hair? Stick to jewel tones, Major. Even so, I am just a little more fond of pantsuits these days then I ever have been before.

I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today

I don't even remember what Dukat is discussing here, but whatever it is, he's telling it to a roomful of people who are all trying to blend in with the walls. That last guy is literally wearing the carpet. Y'all, Dukat may not the brightest bulb in the warp nacelle, but he's not that stupid.

Selling furniture for college kids and divorced despots

I merely wish to note that Dukat's dining room is furnished in 20th century IKEA. I guess at this point, those are antiques, right?

That's all for now, children of fashion!

S06E02 - “Rocks and Shoals”

It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.

Still like that old time...

Hey look, Starfleet fatigues! I guess you even get those in your department colors. Now I want to see the science blue camo pants.

I know it's only...

We've seen this outfit of Garak's many times, but we've never seen the undershirt. (Look, I know I'm reaching here. CURSE THESE BOTTLE EPS.) It's got a vaguely Vader-angle texture, for the evil overlord on-the-go!

Do you believe in...

I think we've seen members of Vedek Yassim's order before, but we don't often get an unobstructed full body view. It's... pretty much what it looked like while obstructed. Floor length robe with a three-quarter sleeve, long sleeved undershirt, floor length overtunic/vest/thing. And the holy fast food hat.

Your mama don't dance and your daddy don't...

Everyone on the station is now wearing their boringest outfits of boringness. And sweaters. You'd think the Cardassians would've turned the heat up, no? At least Purse Lady here has some kind of ornament in her hair, even if it does appear to be made of wood.

The heart of...

Julian, why did you bring one of your leisure suits on this mission? Were you going to ask Garak out to dinner? I swear, shiny fabric, open neck, all he needs is a gold chain.

Sex and drugs and...

Keevan is incredibly well cast because HE IS SO CREEPY. Also he is wearing a t-shirt in that weird print that's made to look like battered leather but isn't really? And a jacket with a blue shawl collar in a print that's like it's been autographed with French's mustard.

Well, hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk, it's still Rocks and Shoals to me.

S06E01 - “A Time to Stand”

We must stand... for fashion! Because nobody in this episode is gonna do it for us, lemme tell you.

Hot under the collar

Julian has rolled up his sleeves and got down to business! (To defeat... the Dominion!) Except as my girlfriend pointed out, I'm not sure you could actually roll up those thick Starfleet jackets and tight undershirts, so maybe it's actually a short-sleeved version of the uniform. Either that or he's slowly losing circulation to his forearms.

We do now have confirmation that those things unzip in the front, at least. Or unvelcro. Unsomething. That's... actually a pretty good look for him. Carry on, Julian.

Taking sides

While the back of the Cardassian uniforms turn out to be just as boring as the front, here we have a rare shot of the sides. And it seems that the Rubbermaid armor is... not fastened under the arms at all? That seems like not a very good idea, guys. Maybe this is just the Cardassian equivalent of fatigues. It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz dolls I had as a kid, after I broke the Tin Man's armor in half.

I can't figure out that sidearm setup at all, except that it seems to be made out of corduroy. I really hope it's been treated with a fire retardant.

Lighten up, there, Agent Scully

You can tell this guy is their First because he's allowed to wear a shirt under his leather jacket. And also the dessicated skulls of his enemies (faced inward so they can Think About What They've Done.)

I'd kinda rather be the other guy. He gets to wear Hershey bars and Kit-Kats on his jacket. Plus, Future Chocolate apparently doesn't melt!

That is not what they mean by 'showing some backbone'

The Jem'Hadar uniforms are somewhat interesting from the back. They kinda look like biker jackets. One guy seems to have a backpack made from a skeleton. Presumably that's the First, again. Themely!

Benjamin Lafayette Sisko you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE

Joseph is NOT HAPPY. Surprisingly this is not because his shirt is an exact match to his walls. Joseph, your employees are gonna try to hang utensils from your shoulders if you're not careful.

Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do

Though the Jem'Hadar don't eat, drink, have sex, or sit in chairs, their one vice appears to be smoking, as all of their control panels are made of those 1970s standing ashtray/air purifiers. No wonder they don't expect to live long.

What does this thing even do, anyway

Dukat takes a moment from his Make Cardassia Great Again campaign to ponder the meaning of the baseball.

In the background, he appears to have a Netpliance i-Opener on his desk. Bweeheehee.

Who wore it better?

For some reason we've abandoned the shoulder-mounted displays for headset displays, and we're also pretending like that's totally the way the Vorta have always done it. I can't decide who looks less silly. Probably Sisko, because, well, he is The Sisko.

And that's all I've got for this episode. Coming soon: a time to sit.

S05E26 - “Call to Arms”

A call to arms! All hands on deck! Get your head out of the clouds and get ready to beat feet! And any other body parts that need covering!

Theiss-ian traditional

Dear gods. We open with Rom & Leeta looking at wedding gowns, and a drawing of "Risian Traditional". Which is a white bikini with some pink flowers and a veil. And a butt-veil. And the bikini top is apparently stuck on with adhesive. Oh and a garter, because that particular tradition wasn't skeevy enough already.

As to the model herself, I just... WHO THE FUCK DREW THIS. Risians get their lower ribs and some internal organs removed upon betrothal, apparently. This is one for The Hawkeye Initiative.

Take a bite outta caffeine

Because THE FUTURE equals factory-rejected travel mugs. It looks like it got caught in a pipe crimper. Does any liquid actually get through to your mouth? Kind of an extreme way to be cutting down on your coffee intake.

What's updo

We've seen both of these outfits already, but let's have a little extra love for Ziyal's fabulous hair. There's an intricate braid-crown thing interwoven with other, smaller braids, curled sections at the nape, and then an uber-neat ponytail in a solid metal ring. (Presumably she's the one who owns the pipe crimper.) Daaaaamn. I think the Bajorans will accept you with open arms if you'll teach them how to do their hair like that.

Hair by Toys R Us

Only one Dabo girl attends Leeta's wedding; either the rest have evacuated or Quark wouldn't give them the time off work. She has the piled updo of Beth from Newsradio, with an extra chignon and ringlets on the side, and topped off with a stretched-out Slinky. (Did you ever have a Slinky that got stretched out so it wouldn't slink anymore? Now you know of a use for it!)

She holds a lovely and totally impractical handkerchief of purple chiffon, and she is wearing an outfit we've seen before, the sheer black bodysuit with attached gloves and strategically-placed opacity. But today we get a view we never have before...

Cheeky

The outfit is sheer on the shoulders, back, and ONE ENTIRE BUTTCHEEK. SHE HAS ONE WHOLE BUTTCHEEK SHOWING. How did they even get away with this on broadcast TV?? I guess this was only a few years after Cher wore that one outfit to the Oscars...

Pinafore, five, six...

Leeta settled on a wedding gown! It's... that pinafore over a t-shirt again. Not only have we seen that a few times, but in the last episode SHE WAS SLEEPING IN IT. Rom, I don't think you have to worry about her clothes taking up too much space. She doesn't seem to have all that many.

Just to give you a heads up

I'm not sure why suddenly Dukat and Weyoun need to have the most awkward Google Glass displays ever. Do their ships' view screens not work all of a sudden?

I am kind of amused that in order to attach Dukat's, they had to stretch his collar way out to one side and put the mount underneath. I guess this is why Cardassian armor is made of rubber.

That is sadly all for this call to style. What hope does fashion have in wartime when even the last tailor has left the station? Tune in next week to find out!

S05E25 - “In the Cards”

We have seen the future and it is FASHION.

Everyone at the Dinner of Downers is wearing stuff we've already seen, so let's jump right to the auction:

Is that for your Joker cosplay?

Quark's wearing a jacket and vest we've seen before, but seems to have new pants for the occasion. Stripey! No Ferengi ever met a pattern they didn't want to mash up with at least two other patterns.

The crowd goes... not particularly wild

Everyone ready for some auction action? I SAID, IS EVERYONE... oh never mind.

Y'know, DS9, if you wouldn't dress your lead characters in brown and gray, then you wouldn't have to dress all your backgrounders in somber colors just to make sure they don't detract attention from the leads. Everyone blends together like a Magic Eye poster with cataracts. We do have a gentleman in a nice (dark) suit with possibly some interesting asymmetry to the collar, if we could actually SEE the collar. Behind him is a splash of (dark) red, but it's just a Bajoran uniform, so SNOOZE. There's a lady in a shimmery (dark) dress with a nice front slit, under which we see matching (dark) leggings, so we can just assume matching (dark) shoes. The lady in sage is a bit of relief to the dark, but not to the bland. All we have for color so far is the Bolian, whose makeup is doing the job his clothes can't.

woo

As we pan the room, we see a few splashes of color! A gentleman in a sparkly purple suit immediately wins my heart. A lady all in fuschia has some unfortunate leather thing on her shoulder; possibly Vorta fashion is catching on already? Or maybe she's just come in from the archery range. Next to her is a person in sort of a medieval couch tunic, with sweater yoke and matching slacks.

Lady of sage, I adore you

The lady in the shimmery dress has some contrasting trim at the collar and shoulders, and apparently a quantity of bugle beads. She's busy on her phone, presumably looking at photos of Einstein to make sure she got her hairstyle right.

The lady in sage behind Nog has actually got an interesting sort of shirt-and-(US)-jumper combo, I think? With... a halter neck? I'd never have imagined a halter jumper (which sounds like a frustrating Olympic event) but the cut works on her. I wouldn't have gone with pale gray over pale sage, but a much is redeemed by POCKETS.

Imagine no possessions, but do it somewhere else, Quark's got a business to run

My man in the purple could almost be described as psychedelic! His jacket is all shiny and swirly, and underneath he seems to have one of those blouses from the 1960s that were meant to look Indian but may or may not have been actually from India. Is that a ponytail back there, too? He seems out of place in this capitalist setting. Maybe that's why he's frowning with literally his entire face.

Our Bolian friend is in gray piped with more gray, but at least the piping at the shoulders gives his suit a kind of classic 1950s space look. Friday is Business Jetson day!

In the row behind them, an Accounting professor from the 1970s dozes off a bit. Wow, the winged collar! Next to him, we see that in the future, the Mafia and the Catholic Church will undergo a corporate merger, resulting in the emergence of the pinstripe cassock.

See no evil

In the back, a Vedek who works for Kai Winn is bidding with his eyes closed, because he heard that if you're going to sin, you should have no witnesses. I kind of like the teal brocade vest, and even the gray tunic with the cyan undertunic. I'm just not sure about the hat. It's like graduation cap meets fast food uniform meets gray felt fedora. And it's not even a shade of gray that goes with the outfit. Vedek, is that hat even yours? Did you get dressed with your eyes closed, too?

Black velvet, if you please

When Quark started to say a painting on black velvet, I WAS SO HOPING IT WOULD BE ELVIS. But Black Velvet Matador is almost as good. Pay attention, Ferengi, 'cause this is kinda where y'all got your short-jacket-tall-pants aesthetic from.

Brothers in arms

I still can't figure out this fucking jacket.

So it's pretty clear that the one sleeve is not full-length, because the grayish fabric on his left arm is the same fabric as his shirt collar. So then, is the leather part attached to the reddish tapestry fabric, which would mean that's an elbow-length sleeve on one side? Or is that a reddish blazer with elbow-length sleeves and then a leather one-armed capelet-thing over that? Or is the whole thing actually one garment made of upholstery store remnants? WHAT IS GOING ON, VORTA.

They say the neon lights are bright

Since Dr. Giger's Weirdo Machine is the only decent lighting we get around here, here's a bonus look at Weyoun's outfit! The tapestry pattern is nice, and the blue-gray shirt stuff isn't bad in a wallpapery sort of way. The pants, though, look like someone started knitting him a pair of woolen socks and then just kept on going.

Dr. Giger, I presume

We mostly see Dr. Giger in his gray velvet trenchcoat (or possibly bathrobe; he's a little eccentric.) Underneath we occasionally get a glimpse of a square-neck pullover sweater vest and a brown velour polo. If he's worried about his cells getting bored, he needs a new fashion advisor.

Back in the kayak

I assume O'Brien's wearing a neoprene wetsuit, but the lighting is so terrible that it looks like fleece. It's your basic Neutrals-with-Swoosh design found at every sporting goods store ever, but he looks so happy. Yay Miles!

Kukalaka sits in the old gum tree

And Julian has his bear back. So there's really only one question left to ask, and that is: what the hell is that spiky thing on your table, Julian?

Y'know what, never mind. I don't wanna know.

And with that, I leave you. Play your fashion cards wisely, everyone!

S05E24 - “Empok Nor”

Great, it's a bottle episode AND a dimly-lit one! WHY DO THEY HATE OUR FREEDOMS.

Are you lonesome tonight?

Slow night at Quark's. Wait staff in long green aprons chat, Quark plays Candy Crush on his phone, even the bar itself blushes in embarrassment. I think Morn's boots are knee-high after all, not thigh-high, and the things on his thighs are some kind of protective padding. Usually you want to pad your joints if you're doing something dangerous, which ...what does Morn actually do for a living?

Why do you write like you're running out of room

We don't see a whole lot of Cardassian writing. (I assume it's Cardassian.) I think the symbol in the center is like a "Danger: High Voltage" sign, but four-branched because it's like "Danger: you can REALLY GET SUPER ELECTROCUTED IN HERE SRSLY WE'RE NOT KIDDING AROUND." Or because they're space-Nazis. Whichever.

The smaller writing looks like some engineer carved their initials in this panel. Ah, science love.

Live fast, die young, leave a well-made-up corpse

Very good Bolian makeup on Boq'ta here. I can't see any edges at all. (I mean I guess the actor could be bald, but even naturally bald people are rarely completely smooth.)

Stolzoff has lovely hair. Also amazing eyebrows. She's going to get goldshirted, of course. Dammit, Trek.

Everything's shiny, captain

Case in point: Pechetti. I actually found it super distracting that Pechetti's actor looks so much like Eddington's actor. If the episodes were farther apart, maybe it wouldn't have given me the WAIT WHAT moment.

Pechetti is in the Engineering division, but his bag is apparently in the Command track. It must be embarrassing to be outranked by your luggage.

Jeux sans gencives

Kotra, a Cardassian board game. Apparently involving the fangs of transparent animals. And dice without spots. Imagine your DM as Big Julie from Guys and Dolls going "I remember where they were." I got the TPK right here...

Let me be clear

We don't often see environment suits! It's... not super exciting. And contains the usual light-inside-helmet which lights up the actor's face for filming but which in real life would make it impossible to see. And it's not even doing a very good job of lighting the actor's face. HELMET FAIL.

Bouncing here and there and everywhere

Garak has found the Worst Gummi Bear Ever. Dude, don't just put your hand in stuff on the booby-trapped space station! Don't you ever watch this show?

He's tied up at the moment

Garak has captured Nog and ties him up with... what even is that? Holiday ribbon? Giant twist ties? A fire hose? Where did you find any of those things on a Cardassian space station? That drug affected those other Cardassians even more strangely than we thought.

And with that, we depart this Nog-forsaken station for good. Watch your step, fashion friends!

S05E23 - “Blaze of Glory”

Jon Bon Jovi would be so pleased!

I wake up in the morning

Everyone in this entire episode is wearing outfits I've already done before because THEY HATE ME. Retroactively. They went back in time and hated me. I'm sure of it. All I've got here is wacky juice cups that look like those collapsible camping ones (those sucked, btw) and Jake wiping his mouth on a napkin made of mylar. Because it's THE FUTURE.

And I raise my weary head

Tech review: Klingon phone vs. Federation tablet. The k'Phone is all about simplicity, clean lines, and shiny metal. It's a beautiful design aesthetic, but you do lose some screen real estate. The Starfleet Galaxy Note Alpha gives you a wider screen view and many more function keys, but is less portable and may have a tendency to explode under certain conditions. Like Dominion attacks.

I got an old coat for a pillow, and the earth was last night's bed

Okay I can't figure out exactly how long Eddington has been in the brig, but it has to have been weeks, at least. In all that time, he has apparently not changed his clothes. I mean. Ew. Protest, maybe? Because I'm almost certain that the Federation would provide clean clothing to its prisoners. Maybe he's on an Odor Strike. Like a hunger strike, but, y'know.

I hope those force fields have air filters.

I don't know where I'm going

Tech review: the Cardassian flat-screen monitor. The resolution and color depth aren't bad, but there's a lack of foresight in not providing a wide-screen option. Also, are the abstract up-down-left-right arrows just super distracting decoration, or are they giant buttons like it's a Cardassian See-N-Say? Folks, Fisher-Price would like a word.

Only God knows where I've been

Just another look at those giant-pocket cargo stirrup-pants before Nog falls over. Between the stirrups and the weight of whatever you carry in there, they must have amazing belt technology. Oh! The huge pockets must be for those Starfleet tablets. I hope that fabric is flame-resistant.

I'm a devil on the run, a six-gun lover

I was going to say it was thoughtful of the Federation to put padding in those manacles, but now I see that's just his sleeves. Tsk, shame on you, Federation. Don't you know anything about bondage safety?

A candle in the wind

Meanwhile, a Klingon with possibly the worst Klingon makeup job I've ever seen, including TOS, is holding what appears to be a news broadcasting microphone. Nog, it's not polite to interrupt the General when he's giving an exclusive interview!

And with that, this episode, like Michael Eddington, goes down, leaving us grateful for the end of both.

S05E22 - “Children of Time”

It's time... for fashion!

Children of fiber arts

Meet Yedrin Dax and Miranda O'Brien, representatives of a settlement that was founded by the Defiant crew 200 years ago. It was a hard life at first, but the crew eventually managed to build a Jo-Ann Fabrics, and now there's enough yarn and knitting needles for everyone.

Unshielded melody

While a woman in a tank top and sweater vest makes pottery, a woman in a sweater dress and a man in a sweater vest dress look on. Around here, ALL weather is sweater weather!

Children of the warm

For the kids, we have belted sweaters! Specifically, a belted cardigan, a belted sweater vest, and a belted cardigan vest. And behind them, a bonus: a sweater trenchcoat. COME ON NOW. I guess I should just be grateful for the lack of Giant Leather Stitches.

What's snood with you?

Did I mention the snoods? Nearly all the women and girls have their hair up in yarn snoods. If the homespun fabric look is a common visual shorthand for "we are totally roughing it peasants", the yarn snood is visually doubling down. I think this entire plot might have been pitched as an excuse to re-use the costumes from "Paradise".

Lisa's sweater is a pretty cool pattern, at least, and both she and Molly have great varied color palettes. Maybe the next generation of knitters is improving on things.

Babies of time

OMG ADORABLE BABY. Adorable baby not wearing any sweaters! What is this miraculous fabric? Maybe they saved the old crew uniforms carefully and that's what they use for baby clothes. Probably easier to clean than all that knit.

We have the hearts of Klingons. We keep them in a jar back home.

I was hoping this was going to turn out to be where the TOS Klingons actually came from, but not so much. Worf's descendants, both direct and adopted, have embraced the Klingon lifestyle, which means long hair and lots of furs (and hopefully some decent tanning skills, because chafing, y'all), and trading the animals they hunt for things from the settlement. Which apparently includes conditioner.

Sir Odo of Locksley

Odo has gone full Robin Hood in the intervening centuries. Homespun tunic over undershirt and tight breeches, and leather knee boots. I... except he could be "wearing" whatever he wants, so why is he in homespun? Maybe he just didn't want to make the other settlers self-conscious about their weaving skills.

She who walks with some difficulty behind the rows

For planting day, Miranda is wearing a long belted sweater tunic with split sides, which looks quite lovely and which will be snagged to shit in the branches of all those saplings. Surely the pants and shirt she has on underneath would be better for this? And are just as purple!

Speaking of purple, in the background we have a man in a skant, like on TNG! It's so nice that the settlers continued to pay homage to the fashions of their ancestors.

And on that happy note, my time is up. Never forget your fashion past!

S05E21 - “Soldiers of the Empire”

It's gonna be a short one, friends. Nobody home but us Klingons, mostly on a Klingon ship, where everything is not only dim but also FOGGY WTF because apparently there is no honor in being able to actually see things.

This is not what they mean by "strapping youth"

A rare shot of Nog's cadet-feet! Not only do cadets get boots that match the pants, but it turns out the pants are also-- I couldn't believe it either, but it's true-- STIRRUP PANTS. Worn OVER the boots again. But with the little split front so they can be nearly floor length in back without bunching up in front. Like a stirrup-pant mullet.

A warrior for all seasons

Two Klingons from Martok's new ship the Rotarran are perhaps not best buds.

Kornan, on the left, sports the summerwear version of the Klingon uniform. Sun's out, phasers out! With a cute bob haircut to keep his neck cool. He has also come prepared for battle with no less than three ball-point pens in his pocket protector. The Bic is mightier than the bat'leth, after all.

Leskit, by contrast, shows off the winter Klingon ensemble with fur sleeves. His pens have clearly seen active duty, as he wears a necklace of CARDASSIAN NECK BONES. Um, ew.

Lock up your sons and your horses

Tavana also prefers the sleeveless look, but in a more corset-style, and she kept the spaulders on hers in case she needs to give someone the cold shoulder.

Chairing the meeting

Since there's not a whole lot to look at, let's admire the furniture while some fighting goes on. I kind of like the big wooden chairs with the inlaid Klingon symbol on the back. The rest of the ship is all metal-looking, but the mess hall has some serious Beowulf styling going on. Hwaet!

Aw, you might as well Sup

Ortakin is on hiatus from his Van Halen cover band. He's also into the sleeveless look, but his spaulders look more like he just stuck his head through a hole in a place mat. (Do Klingons even HAVE place mats? Not anymore, I guess.)

No need to ask, he's a Hab 'orwI'

Sade here also has the place mat thing going on, but she's got great hair. Have you ever seen a Klingon wearing a snood? I really think it could catch on. Keeps your hair from getting caught in your bat'leth. And I mean, who hasn't had that happen?

Holy Qaj

We end the episode with the Klingons celebrating their victory in Quark's, and at the Dabo table is a new backgrounder who is apparently a Catholic priest. Raising some money for the church roof, no doubt. Whatever happened to selling indulgences?

And with that, I and my Klingon dictionary are off. DaH jImej!

S05E20 - “Ferengi Love Songs”

...no they don't. No profit in 'em. ~rimshot~

Here comes the rain again

So are we to assume that it's always raining on Ferenginar? Because I kind of want to vacation there. I mean except for the no-clothes part. Anyway that must be why they have such awesome raincoat design. Look at that thing: it'll protect your purse, your laptop bag, your backpack, your bicycle, and three to four large dogs. And it's got a groovy tone-on-tone patterned fabric on the front & back panels.

(Bonus: little Nagus-head in the background! We'll get to Ishka's dress in a sec.)

Falling on my lobes like a memory

I really like that shimmery green patterned fabric trim, and the hood even matches. I'm from Seattle, y'all. WHERE CAN I GET ONE OF THESE.

Oh, the profits you'll show

Luggage by LeSportSac, architecture by Dr. Seuss. I'm here for purple carpet, but does your overnight bag really need parallel-stage rocket boosters?

And though the dots were very small

We're all about the polka dots today! Ishka has one of her flowing maxi dresses in GIANT CLOWN POLKA-DOTS embroidered with assorted bling. Andrea Martin could probably have pulled it off, but I'm afraid replacement actress Cecily Adams just couldn't quite fill her shoes. So to speak.

Zek's polka-dots are smaller but more varied (and plentiful). There's the traditional Ferengi tailcoat, covered in little hot pink and purple polka dots like ice cream sprinkles and about five pounds of ribbon and rickrack crisscrossing his shoulders. Then there's the vest, which looks at first like solid hot pink, but when your eyes finally begin to adjust, you can see it has purple polka dots too. Time to look away before they start crawling across his torso.

They had to count them all

Yeah, it doesn't get any better from a distance. Topping this eyebleed sundae is the lining of Zek's tailcoat: HOT PINK METALLIC STRIPES. Jeez, Zek, at this point, why just settle for brown velvet pants? Why not go whole hog and make them out of lime green fun fur or something? And maybe some of those clear acrylic platform shoes with actual little aquariums inside? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Okay we actually can have nice things

Leeta's outfit confuses me, but it's cute. She seems to have on a sheer purple tank top, and a blue tone-on-tone print top over it that's sort of like someone put a vest on backwards and then added princess seams. It sorta works? It's creative, and at least it's not stabbing my eyeballs.

Super streak

I include this shot only because I don't know if I've ever clearly seen Maihar'du's purple hair streaks before. If that's natural for his species, I'm TOTALLY jealous.

You put your latinum in, you take your latinum ou-- no actually you just put more in

A petitioner named Leck, whom we may have seen before, has gone with Hollywood Tower Hotel Bellhop as his color palette. Naturally I'm a fan. (And he's gonna need fans, what with roasting in all that suede and corduroy. ~rimshot~) The orange shirt is a departure but gives it a nice bit of pop. But my favorite part is the striped and studded headskirt. Leck really put some effort in on that.

Happy and profitable trails to you

Okay it's a little weird that one shoulder is the stripey corduroy and the other is a burnout velvet (if I remember right, the back sides of the shoulders are reversed) but I love that we randomly have a faux-western bolero jacket in the middle of the Ferengi Tower of Commerce. He's even got a loop for a cowbell.

Zek: The Real Thing

Whoa, is that even the same Nagus? Does Zek have a twin? (And if so, which one is the evil one?) Or were my rods & cones just permanently burned out by his last ouftit? We seem to have a plain navy shirt and pants combo, with a tailcoat in shades of brown. The chevron-battle-royale pattern is still messing with my eyes a little, in an Escher sort of way, and I'm not sure I want to see the size of the soda can that his buckle was pulled from.

Maihar'du's outfit DELIGHTS ME. We've seen this Harlequin costume before but this is such a great clear shot of it. I even like the shoulder-antimacassars, which in later close-ups you can see are actually anchored under his armpits.

Fringe benefits

Okay wow. This dress of Ishka's appears to be intricately embroidered all over, with a cross-front closure hemmed in scallops and lined with a ton of beaded fringe. How is that even staying closed with the weight of all those beads? She looks like a curtain in a 1960s hookah lounge.

A most provoking thing

That dress also has beaded fringe at the CUFFS. I sure hope she wasn't planning on cooking today. Or eating. Or, like, using her hands at all. Though Quark has thoughtfully brought her a bowl of spare beads in case she loses any.

Quark's horizontally striped shirt lends him an air of Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Quark, honey, I know you guys are into the high-waisted pants, but that doesn't mean the belt buckle goes on your neck.

He's crafty

Zek's jacket here is sort of an Italian stone mosaic print with a whole lot of dog-collar studs hot glued onto the sleeves. Under it he wears an Elizabethan stomacher for some reason, which someone appears to have drizzled with gold frosting.

I notice that even the Nagus' throne is covered in rickrack. The Hollywood branch of Michael's must have been making bank during this decade.

What exactly is IN a jumja stick, anyway?

Oh hey, it's that dress that we could barely see any of back in "Doctor Bashir". Turns out it's a cute pinafore with a pleated skirt in kind of a Gustav Klimt print. (Primt?) This time she's wearing it over a forest green velvet tee. Leeta has much better color sense than a lot of Bajorans.

Fringe science

Well, if nothing else, Ishka is themely. I do like the color palette on this one; deep purples and blues with a subtle pop of copper orange, which doesn't sound like it should work, but it does. This time the beaded fringe curtain is across the bodice and around the upper arms, which at least is less likely to get in the way of the work she was doing on the computer. Don't let your clothing stand in the way of your profit!

...over four sets of corsets

Okay no lie, back when I used to wear this kind of stuff, I used to have a corset-and-tailcoat set almost exactly like this from Damsel In This Dress. With the faux-military frogs and everything. Mine was stripey rather than this pillbug-pattern, but you could still totally find a corset seller who'll make you this outfit in the dealer room at most SF/fantasy cons. The velvet appliqué flowers are lovely, though.

Quick shout-out to Maihar'du's purple leather fingerless gloves and matching leather cummerbund.

Aaaaaaaaand PRESTO!

Best magic trick ever, at least for the economy of Ferenginar: conjuring a financial assistant! The dark hooded cloak with little star-sparkles is fancy enough, but then the inside is revealed, and it's that rainbow hologram stuff that you get on Lisa Frank stickers. Abracadabra!

♪ You'd think that people would have had enough of Ferengi love songs I look around me and I seeeeee it's pretty much true So here I go, away! ♪

S05E19 - “Ties of Blood and Water”

Come on now, DS9. Those are terrible materials to make ties out of.

Wait, how many shades of grey?

Tekeny Ghemor wears a suit in traditional Cardassian triangles of polyester and carpet, but I'm not sure that's even its biggest problem. Personally, I try not to wear outfits consisting entirely of garments that match my skin tone. Especially since he's also got grey hair. Maybe it's an old dissident's habit-- the ability to completely disappear? I just think this is taking monochrome to a new extreme.

Impractical Luggage! Have you ever carried a soft-sided bag that big? Have you ever done so with the shoulder strap so long that the bag hangs against your knees? Go ahead and try walking like that through a crowded airport and let me know how that goes.

I'm just floored

Close up of Ghemor's sweater made of elementary school carpet remnants. That has GOT to be chafing his neck ridges. Maybe he feels guilty about his past and it's like a hair-shirt.

Meedley meedley meedley meedley MEEEEEEEEE

Dukat, you probably meant to look imposing by having a Jem'Hadar soldier visible behind you, but next time, make sure he doesn't air-guitar while you speak.

Babies come with hats

Hi baby Yoshi! Nice hat! I think we might have seen it before, but we could use a little cuteness right now so HI!

Available in 6 zippy flavors!

Press the button for pain medication, pull this port to change the cartridges, and grasp this lever for an Otter Pop. I'm sorry, we're out of Sir Isaac Lime.

A breath of fresh airship

The Jem'Hadar battleship is covered with glowing purple lights, which reminds me of the inside of a Virgin America plane. In both cases I expected a rave to break out at any moment. (I bet Weyoun is a terrible dancer.)

And the Dominion comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

Instead of punishing the air-guitarist Jem'Hadar, Dukat seems to have embraced the theme, as he is now broadcasting from inside Neil Peart's drum kit. I'm not sure how he'd look in a kufi cap, though. I'm also not sure he could get one that fits.

Premiering next week on FOX

Dukat and Weyoun run around together like the worst comedy duo ever. Hilarity does not ensue. Weyoun wears a princess-seamed jumpsuit made of miscellaneous tapestry remnants, and a leather jacket that is half bolero and half shrug. (Does his left arm ever get cold?) And of course the little fan-bodice thing. Vorta, I just don't know what to do with y'all.

Also the fancy decanter seems to have a push-pull cap like a sports water bottle. Classy.

And there I finish with this episode, and not a single person was wearing a tie. Maybe in the future we will abandon them completely!

S05E18 - “Business as Usual”

The business of business is fashion! Wait, that's not how that goes...

Off track

I guess Quark finally told his Bolian bartender to get rid of that track suit. He's now in slacks and a nice tab collar dress shirt in a rice pilaf print.

Stars and stripes forever

I actually kinda dig Gaila's outfit. It's typical Ferengi overkill but it's committed. His color palette is straight out of the 70s (oh, that harvest gold) but I'm charmed by the blingy brown ribbon (I'm a sucker for sparklies) and the narrower brown dotted-line ribbon and the gold silk cord. Basically all he needs is a top hat and he could be the galaxy's first Steampunk Ferengi.

The brooches closing his vest look like hair barrettes. Ones that I would totally wear, actually. SPARKLIES.

Keeping abreast of the situation

OMG, Gaila's partner is Victor Maitland from Beverly Hills Cop! Except EVEN HAMMIER. He wears a surplice- t-shirt under what appears to be a pullover smoking jacket. (Among other phrases never before typed.) It's a nice burgundy velvet (or faux velvet) and it would actually look alright if it weren't for the high-waisted belt. Empire waists are generally not flattering on men. They just end up looking like grandpa pants.

Victor's Hagath's companion, Talura, may be part Idanian with that hairline. Her updo is lovely, her eye makeup is on point for a Generic Gangster's Moll, and her outfit is causing me a migraine's worth of eye-rolling. Two things I am certain of: a) the actual real life actress has modesty fabric under that boob lace panel, and b) we are meant to suppose that the fictional character does not. sigh

How he loved his coat of many colors

Quark's first customer seems to be dressed in a patchwork of remnants from previous costumes. We've got some fur from the klingons, some gym mats from the Pakleds, some wool gabardine from the Bajorans, some sparkly trim from the Ferengi, and some crumpled-up aluminum foil from an intern's TV dinner. Waste not, want not, is the motto down in Wardrobe!

More than meets the eye

The holo-target enemy is either Gordon Freeman's big brother or a tricked-out Decepticon. I feel like the vaguely devil-horn-ish details on the helmet are a bit much. Also you can't see in this shot but the armor has CLOVEN HOOF feet. Geez, Quark, dial it back a little.

You remind me of the babe

Kirayoshi O'Brien! Not even a year old and already a sharp dresser. He's got a tiny mandarin jacket with striped trim on the front, a black onesie (I assume) underneath with a red geometric pattern, and an adorable little red hat. I don't know that I'd ever dress an infant in white, but I assume the future has superior laundry technology.

Dare to be boring

Here's Farrakk, in a dull dark tunic and turtleneck that might be purple but I can't be sure because nobody on this station ever TURNS ON ANY GODDAMN LIGHTS. We won't be seeing much more of Farrakk, who apparently was supposed to be negotiating an arms deal but inexplicably fucked off to Risa instead. What? Embezzle profits? Turn state's evidence? Set up in business for yourself? No, you decide the thing worth risking your life for is... not showing up for work. Dude, even your crimes are dull.

Deja vu all over again

Have I done this suit of Quark's before? I can't even remember MY BRAIN IS MELTING. But look at all the happy colorful teensy squares! Look at the gold rickrack! Look at the 21-and-up concert admittance bracelets on the cuffs! (What's the drinking age on Ferenginar?) Also there is a mock turtleneck involved. Looks like one of the grey ones from the old uniforms. Again, waste not, want not. Quark was in pretty bad financial trouble, after all.

Everybody loves my baby

This time Yoshi goes matchy-matchy with a vaguely 80s geo-print onesie and coordinating hat. He's being checked out by Dr. Bashir, because apparently people in the future are MYSTIFIED by the fact that babies, y'know, cry a lot.

I spy with my little eye

The Regent of Palamar, aka Generic Baddie #47, adorns a dark brown crepe suit with a sparkly gold sash that even in low lighting looks like cheap polyester from the Halloween store. The pseudo-penannular brooch is not saving it, not even though it means I got to use the word "pseudo-penannular". I don't think much of your regime if this is the best you can do.

The babe with the power

This time they've put Yoshi in a cute little ivory fleece onesie with dark trim and a spotted hat, but the real star here is the BABY SEAT OF THE FUTURE. It's like a tiny DeLorean! With blinky lights and buttons! I... don't know that I would put buttons in reach of a baby. Unless all they do is play soothing music or something. Also I'm not sure that babies need racing stripes. You're gonna regret that when you're chasing a hyperactive toddler, Miles.

Tell your bodyguard he's gotta rise up

General Nassuc and her bodyguards, ON THE ALERT! They are people of ACTION! Don't MAKE them get up!

The loungingest bodyguards ever are in sort of futuristic Robin Hood style, with leggings, boots, and collared tunics with cross-body sashes. The guy on the windowsill particularly cracks me up. He looks like he's about to toss Friar Tuck an apple.

The general herself... sigh I get that this is a minor character they didn't want to spend too much time on, BUT STILL. Short maroon business dress. Matching maroon tights. MATCHING MAROON BOOTS. I could just cry.

Her bodice seems to be adorned with strips of packing tape. It's the new Postal Chic!

What kind of magic spell to use

When things look bleak, end with a cute baby! I love Yoshi's little outfits with matching hats. This time it's a navy blue onesie with some gold tapestry-print stripes (pretty fancy for a baby!) and a matching gold hat. I'm thinking they must just destroy these outfits and replicate new ones every day because holy cow these are impractical fabric choices but WHO CARES ADORABLE BABY.

And that's all for this episode. We now return you to your fashion as usual!