Things I Learned Reanimating The Dead
By Dr. Luna Ludenburg
As far as anyone is concerned, this is a work of fiction, because it technically did not happen in this reality.
For the sake of transparency, I am not a medical doctor, nor am I particularly versed in biology. My doctorates are in theoretical physics (well, when it comes to lifestyles such as mine, it's only partially theoretical) and something called reality engineering (the ability to manipulate how others view reality, non-existent degree in our universe, nicknamed "the spin doctorate") which I got mostly to make any art I make to seem more immersive. In terms of areas of study outside of my titles I have been teaching myself neuroscience, which even then is not enough knowledge to bring back a whole body from the point of death and is only an interest I developed after the experience. So you may ask yourself why I would attempt something as radical as the title of this account suggests.
To tell you nothing but the truth, it was due to wanting to be accepted by my peers. Not in the scientific community at large, but that subset of mad doctors and professors akin to myself, testing the limits of both science and ethics. Fellow mad scientists, essentially. They often form these sorts of secret societies where they group together and share inventions, or at least concept art of such.
I, as a self-respecting agent of madness and progress, of course wanted in. But as it turns out, most have an initiation to see how far you're willing to go for the sake of knowledge. This is not a form of gate-keeping as I had assumed, or at least not the kind that fandom often has. Rather, it was a way to separate spies and other undercover agents from the rest, as most members would be enemies of countries due to their attempts to better the world... For them, anyways.
You can probably guess as to what this initiation entailed. Reanimating a corpse is off-putting to most, so it's a good way to separate those putting on an act from those with a passion. I won't say the thought didn't give me pause at first, but it didn't take me long to accept the offer. I knew there was a risk, and I was still mortal at the time so that risk was my own safety, but then again so was my dimension-hopping adventures normally.
The good news was one club would give me the basic supplies for the machinery used for the experiment, though I would need to assemble it myself. They also handed me the basic instructions on how to assemble a body together, and I do mean the most basic instructions. Some of the other groups, such as the one helmed by Dr. Isabella Saltine, gave me helpful advice not covered in these instructions. In case you ever feel the need to pull off what the forerunner of us mad scientists managed, here are just some of the things I was told.
- Make certain the blood types of every part you use match. If not, this can cause complications throughout the whole body, including the brain. The person who gave me this advice, Dr. Isaiah Fleaford, also gave a device to test blood type in a cadaver in case that information wasn't on record.
- Handle the brain with the upmost care. Not just not dropping it, but also in touching it whatsoever. Smudge the wrong part of the brain and the subject's sapience may suffer for it.
- Nerve endings will prove the most trouble. In the dimension I'm from, this one I'm assuming, there have been cases of head transplants being partially successful in monkeys. The problem was they would be paralyzed from the head-down. Thankfully, as part of the basic equipment, I was given special devices designed to make the nerves connect to the brain properly. I am glad I was given a few hundred, as this still proved to be the most difficult part of the process.
- One man, Professor Charles "Chills" Carlson, gave me a few cryo-chambers to work with. Keeping all the body parts preserved while I go look for other bits would prevent them from rotting and myself from having to look for new parts.
- The body used should be very large, at least 3 meters in height. Physical fitness is also good to look out for.
- Stay as low profile as possible. People don't take kindly to desecrating graves, even the ones of those they despise.
With all this information and then some in mind, I set out to begin my work.
Many had also told me to take the brain last, as this would attract the most attention since you would have to take one from a facility designed to keep brains preserved. However, I have the advantage of being an interdimensional traveler, which enables me to take body parts from worlds that haven't developed an equivalent. Therefore, I could get the brain first and not have to worry about suspicion. I decided this was best if I had the option, since I could design the body around the brain as opposed to putting a person into a body they wouldn't feel comfortable in. I had a choice between a professional Chess player with an ELO of 3200 and a beloved cooking show host. I chose the latter, as she was younger and the Chess player's mind was likely more useful to this world's scientists.
I also bothered to do research on each person whose body I used. In respect to their lives and so my research is not wasted, I'll tell what I know of them. Keep in mind that they are all from different universes and time periods, though all were freshly dead.
Jade Perkins was the American host of a popular cooking show that aired weekly on America's PBS. Her dimension was not too dissimilar from our own, though I will be going back there soon after I fix my interdimensional traveling device. Multiple reasons, one of which being that, in hindsight, Goncharov was a film that actually existed there, believe it or not, but the meme didn't come up in my dimension then so I thought nothing of it. Tangent aside, Miss Perkins was known as being incredibly generous and good natured all around. She was considerably overweight, and was proud to be able to combat fatphobia with her television program. She tragically died in 1993 at age 49, when a truck trying to dodge another pedestrian ended up hitting her instead. She was survived by two children. She is the source of the brain I used.
Uma "Übermench" Himmel was a German professional bodybuilder and three time winner of the Miss Galaxy beauty competition. She comes from a dimension wherein Trotsky became the leader of Soviet Russia, resulting in a much faster World War 2 and all of Germany becoming communist. She was known as a risk-taker and for being surprisingly intelligent with a degree in chemistry. She was rumored to be able to lift a baby hippo over her head. She sadly died young in 1972 at the age of 30 due to negligence from a janitor not putting up a "floor wet" sign whilst she was lifting weights, causing her to slip and the dumbbell to smash her face in. She was survived by her girlfriend of three years. Her head and arms were in a horrid state, so they were separated from the neck and shoulders, respectfully, and I took whatever was left.
Frances Benoit was a French serial killer with a personal kill count of 7 men and 6 women. He resided in a dimension where the French revolution had not taken place... Yet. He was known for killing French nobles, likely politically motivated. He killed most of his victims using Garrotte rope, using other methods for only five of them. His last kill would prove him unlucky, as he had to resort to a rather loud gun that made his presence known. I was unfortunate enough to be at his hanging, where he died in 1801 at age 46. He was survived by his wife, who last I checked was beginning to fan the flames for a revolution in his name. I ended up taking his arms, as I found no buff female cadavers with a matching blood type to Perkins' AB, and some pompous fool in all red chased me off with a rapier before I could continue searching.
Jesse Burrell was an Australian recluse who lived an isolated life. Her dimension was most similar to my own, from my recollections. I could not get a accurate account of her life due to her isolation and the bad blood she had with most people I found who knew her. She was a gun rights advocate and an alcoholic who spent most of her time outside of her home at the local bar. She died in 2000 at an unknown age, likely her mid-thirties, in a shootout at her estate, along with three others, with the potential survivors and reason for the showdown being unknown. She had no known family members, one genuine friend in the form of the barkeeper and far too many enemies to count. Her life was shrouded in mystery. Her corpse had been vandalized, with tattoos around her whole body having been removed via a knife, resulting in me removing skin from the stomach and stitching it to her face. She was the one I felt the most sorry for, for she was the easiest to take parts from.
Once I had all the supplies I required, I got to work. I won't bore you with the details, as it was all very repetitive truth be told. Building the equipment especially was almost as difficult as an English speaker trying to build IKEA furniture. But in my opinion it had all been worth it, and not just for the membership to any organization. That elation, that joy, when you're about to pull the trigger on a project, especially one as difficult as bringing life to what once was dead. I only managed to mess up one thing. The brain had been split in half. That sounds like a bigger deal than it actually was, but the human mind can survive being split in two. It does result in the two halves of your body being controlled independently from one another, but nothing so terrible.
I remember pulling the lever. The electricity flowing through my temporary laboratory, surrounding me. My hair turned white as snow, but that was fine by me. Looks good on me anyhow. Just the sheer mania I felt, knowing I was doing something as massive as this. My maniacal laughter echo through the world as I felt a pure sense of wonder and amazement at my own achievements... Or maybe it was the electricity, I don't know.
In any case, the results were a massive success. Obviously I couldn't have done it on my own, of course. The supplies given to me were the thing that made this possible, and I couldn't have done it if not for the ones whose corpses I used.
Mayhaps my proudest accomplishment in this is that, aside from the brain split and the consequences of that, Miss Perkins had all her mind intact, no memory loss whatsoever. I was overjoyed at this news, because it meant I could reintroduce her to her world after I showed my fellow scientists. She looked like her total physical opposite now, there were stitches on her face, her skin had a slight a green tint to it, and her arms grew slightly more hair than the rest of her body, but other than that she seemed like a normal human being.
It had worked out as perfect as it could have.
The best part of it all, in all honesty, was meeting Miss Perkins herself. Last I checked in on her she was still advocating for body positivity of all shapes and sizes. Just because she was fit now didn't mean she had lost her sympathy who are like what she used to look like. She would often joke that, technically, she weighed the exact same due to her height and muscle, which she managed to maintain. And all this in the 90s, no less! There were less fat jokes on TV overall in any case. Even trying to prove it was actually her was sweet, thanks to a song she made up for her kids convincing them. Feels good when mad science has a positive impact.
And of course, I was accepted into the various mad science societies since such a massive success was something to note. Glad that happened, though I would be lying if I said I didn't forget the reason I was doing it halfway through.
So what did I learn? Well, taking risks is sometimes beneficial for everyone involved, hard work is worth it if it's something you're passionate about, the joy others feel about your work is often better than what you get out of it, the saddest deaths have noone sad about it, and the part of the brain that processes the feet and the part that processes sexual attraction are right next to each and some are unfortunate enough to have those intersect.
... I forgot where I was going with this. Ah well.
