I just wanna be loved unconditionally so bad
I blog for the girls who cry on their birthdays and lose a little bit of themselves during the summer months
“In the end you can’t always choose what to keep. You can only choose how you let it go.”
— Ally Condie
that shit never ends
Always remeber this ❤️
I really don’t have the energy to deal with feeling this way
The moment I’m all alone and have nothing to distract me is when I fall apart and I give in to self destructive behavior
losing you
Didn't just broke me
It completely destroyed me
</3
What hurts the most is
only my world stopped turning.
The world moved on.
What is it like to lose the woman that raised you?
Life makes a quantum leap, becoming a survival game against an indomitable plague of dissociative amnesia.
You don’t realize your fingertips are pinned between your teeth until you taste blood and all ten of them are stinging.
You don’t notice your hair falling out in the shower until your drain is clogged.
You don’t realize that your eating habits are frightfully disorganized until you’re straddling the bob of a pendulum between the same ten pounds every 7 days.
Shrinking and stretching.
You don’t realize how much you’re drinking again until there are six empty bottles of cabernet sitting next to the trash can in your kitchen, green and hollow—drained past the last drop.
And it’s only been 4 days.
You don’t realize how long it’s been since you washed your hair until you run out of dry shampoo and stare at the empty can on your counter for as long as it takes to leave a rust ring.
It’s an insufferable amount of regret and remorse and shame and sorrow for all the days you could have paid a visit or done as little as make a phone call—
especially when you said you would, and didn’t.
And all the same feelings for the things you chose to do instead.
And you’re dragged into this painfully parasitic dissociation by your teeth, choking on the loaded question as to if anything is real at all…
Or if life is just a twisted movie with a thousand bitter endings.
It’s tiny scabs on both your lips from impulsive gnawing,
and an omnipotent numbness that pervades every atom of your body when you walk through your front door at the end of the day—
and at the start.
It’s grieving not only the loss of her presence but the infinite absences to come.
You go home and go to sleep after the funeral and wake up and it’s been months…
And you still haven’t been back to visit her even though Christmas and Thanksgiving and her birthday have all come and gone—
because how do you do that?
It’s an involuntary, invariable pursuit of anything that subtracts from reality.
The woman at the head of your most precious childhood reminiscence is gone and who’s to say your doubtlessly promised to ever see her again?
I hope I get to see her again.
Written by: Euge Saltos Ponce
There are days
where
I would prefer to die
where
the pain is almost deadly
(but never it is).
Today
I would prefer to die.
My heart
aches
as never before
and I have a kind of certainty
that the only cure could be you
(but you are not here anymore).
and if I could relive a day
just one day from my life
from all that has happened
it would be a day with you
it would be a day with you
even if that day holds boredom
even if we don't do anything
even if we just exist together
but it would be a day with you
my heart misses you everyday
it does and i know it will always
you were a presence unmatched
and your absence is so present
your absence will remain a void
so much of my love to you
I wish I'd told you how I love you
when I had the opportunity to
and that I'd told you your value
that exists in everyone's lives
because you were unmatched
and you remain unmatched
everybody misses you
and everybody loves you
and everybody remembers you
some a lot more than the others
~ shreeya.//from one side of the the veil//
It hurts to live after someone has died. It just does. It can hurt to walk down a hallway or a open the fridge. It hurts to put on a pair of socks, to brush your teeth. Food tastes like nothing. Colors go flat. Music hurts, and so do memories. You look at something you'd otherwise find beautiful - a purple sky at sunset or a playground full of kids and it only somehow deepens the loss. Grief is so lonely this way.
Michelle Obama, Becoming
In the days that followed I thought about grief; how nothing and nobody can prepare you for it. People tell you their stories but until you experience it for yourself you can’t possibly understand. There’s no going around it. Or under or over it. You’ve got to go through it. It will hit you in waves so enormous that you are smacked against the shore. It will permeate the very fabric of your life, so that everything you do is stained by it; every moment, good or bad, is steeped in sadness for a while. Even the nice moments, the achievements and successes, are tinged with the knowledge that someone or something is missing. And the first time that you smile or laugh, you catch yourself, because happiness feels so unfamiliar.
Hazel Hayes, Out of Love
mom died a couple days ago and a part of me left with her
i dont know how i will continue living without her by my side, it seems impossible