tfw you saw some hack do that at the Funny Bone in St. Louis, nyeh!
Coming Soon!
Season 2, Episode 12: Godzilla vs. Megalon
Letter from “Jennifer”
Dear Crow,
I like you.
Crow: Hey! I like you too!
Me and my daddy die laughing. Hey, I like that movie with a girl singing a song and you started dancing. How are you so funny? Talent?
Crow: Read the book. Joel: Yeah. Crow: Question mark.
Letter from “Amy”
Dear Crow, Tom Servo, Joel, and Gypsy,
You guys are real funny. I want you guys to write back. My whole family likes to watch your movie. We watch seven of your movies.
Crow: Hey!
We like the beach movie the best.
- “Amy”, seven years old
Final Segment (S02E11)
After the film, Joel & the Bots discuss their painful experience. Except for Crow, who thought the film was alright. Joel & Servo list various awful experiences they’ve had in the past that the film reminded them of. Unfortunately, Tom Servo’s sarcasm sequencer seems to still be on the fritz, and his memories are increasingly and excessively sarcastic. Inevitably:
He explodes.
Later, after reading the letters, Joel gives Crow affectionate scratches under the chin which he refers to as “chin rascals”. Servo recovers, and receives a helping of chin rascals as well.
Back in Deep 13, Frank is swept along in the emotional current and gives himself extensive chin rascals. The button, too, is chin rascal’d, and thus the episode ends. All this sweetness is too much for Dr. Forrester, who retches and vomits through the entire closing Deep 13 scene and the credits.
Host Segment 3 (S02E11)
[Editor’s Note: The following Host Segment is disgusting and so most of it is concealed behind a cut. You’re welcome.]
Servo: And we’ll be right back after this message!
Servo: Hi! Ed Herlihy here, hoping you’re enjoying tonight’s Klack Festival Theatre presentation of First Spaceship to Venus.
Servo: You know, Holiday season is the perfect time to enjoy Klack’s Industrial Saladoos-based snacks and snippets, any time of the day or year.
Host Segment 2 (S02E11)
Crow: Hello and welcome to the Satellite of Love! I'm Crow... Servo: ...and I'm Tom Servo and we're the hosts of the new Match Game '78! So, let's meet our guest: Brett Somers! Gypsy: Yay!
Servo: Woah! Crow: Oh, yipes! Looks like a foreign ship comin' in to our airspace! Cambot, gimme Rocket Number Nine, quick!
Crow: Uh-oh, looks like we got company!
Servo: I'm gonna go get Joel... Crow: Good idea. Servo: Oh! [screams] Hold me, Crow, hold me! Oh!! Crow: Gypsy! Gypsy, girl, whatever you do, don't turn around. Just don't turn around. Gypsy: Okay. [turns around] Servo: Oh no, no-no-no! Gypsy: [screams and faints] Servo: [screaming] No!
Crow: Oh, that's just great, we lost Gypsy! But where's Joel? He'd know what to do! Oh... [as Dr. Zachary Smith] Help me, you gregarious galvanized garbage can... oh, the pain... the pain! Servo: [As Robot B-9] Danger! Danger, Crow T. Robot, Danger! [normal voice] No, no, come on, Crow, you got me doin' it, now! Get a grip, boy! Crow: Oh, I'm sorry...
Servo: We have to remain rational! This is just one of the many sordid alien visitors that fly by, exchange dialogue with us for roughly, uh... two and a half minutes, and then leaves. It's no big deal! Gorilla: [aggressive grunts] Servo: Oh! Ohh! Ahhh!! Crow: Ahh! Servo: I do believe in spooks! I do believe in spooks! Oh, mommy, mommy... Crow: Just stop it, Tom! Come on, get ahold of yourself! It's a common gorilla. Probably one of those horrible animal experiments they used to shoot into space. Just a big ol' dumb gorilla. The key with these creatures is to talk nice to 'em. Animals can sense fear, and rip your arms out of your sockets and show 'em to you at a moment's notice. Watch this!
Crow: [to the gorilla] Hey, boy! [whistles] Here, kitty, kitty! Hey, Koko! How's it goin', boy? Servo: [whispering] Hey, he's goin' for it, Crow! Crow: Yeah. Servo: [whispering] Wow... Crow: Just relax, you big dumb dolt. Still bummed out that humans evolved to be a higher species? Yup, you idiot. That's right, still dumber than a bag full of hammers, aren't you? Yeah...
Crow: Now, listen, Tom, I know you're scared out of your wits but... I need you to sing that gorilla a song. What's that song you sang, uh, last Wednesday at vespers? Servo: Uh, 'Oh, Sweet Mother o' Mine" but, I don't understand how that's gonna-- Crow: Yeah-- no buts, Tom! Start singing, boy! Servo: Okay. Oh... nice gorilla. Oh, nice boy, you crummy monkey with matted, awful... Crow: Hey, watch it! Servo: [singing] Oh, sweet mother o' mine 'Tis only for you I pine I'll try to get bail and I'll drive up to jail and I'll spring that sweet mother o' mine! Crow: You sang that at vespers?
Joel: What in the world is goin' on here?! Crow and Servo: [talking over each other and sobbing] Joel: Oh, just take it easy... just take it easy. Take it easy, you guys. Take a breath. Come on, take a breath. Oh, we got Movie Sign!
Host Segment 1 (S02E11)
Servo: Oh-kay, I think it's all done. Crow: Yeah, it's great! Servo: I'm gonna go get Joel. Crow: Alright! I'll wait here. [snickers] This is gonna... aw, it's so cool... Servo: [leading Joel] ...it's the neatest thing in the world! Come on! That's it, keep your eyes closed... Joel: Alright, alright... Servo: ...keep 'em closed! Crow: Okay, don't look! Joel: Okay... Crow: Don't look, you promise? Joel: ...alright. Servo: It's a super surprise with cream on top! Crow: Yeah! Servo: You ready? Open your eyes! Crow: Yep. Servo: Ta-da!
Joel: Oh, a surprise! Did you want me to open it? Crow: Uh, it's open already, you silly willy... Joel: W-well, what-- what is it? Crow: Servo? Servo: It's the XT-5000 ramjet super-configured limited edition lightning interface! Model L. Joel: Wow. D-- well, does it talk? Crow: Oh, Joel, it's only the coolest robot in the world! It's our entry into the land of robotics. Joel: Oh, yeah, it is really cool... it's got the... well, this thingamajig here, and this, uh, kinda head thing, it's pretty neat! Servo: Yeah, that's the powered-light XL-440 adapter plate. I made that. Crow: I soldered it. Joel: Wow, so I could-- could I ask it a question? Crow: Well, sure... Servo: Sure, if it'll make you feel better...
Joel: Yeah, um, well, he's probably so powerful, I could probably ask it just about anything, pretty much, couldn't I? Crow: Yeah, pretty much. Servo: Uh-huh. Yup. Joel: Okay, I actually got a question here... [pulls small card from pocket] that I got. Okay, XT-4000... Crow: Five thousand. Joel: Uh, I mean, XT-5000, what integer can be the sum of itself and a number less than the positive square root of thirty? Servo: Here we go! XT-5000: [foam]
XT-5000: [foaming continuously] Crow: Mm-hmm. XT-5000: [slurping sounds] Servo: Yeah. Crow: Here comes the answer. Servo: Cool, huh? Joel: Wow. Is it supposed to do that? Servo: Y-Yeah! Crow: Yeah. Servo: That's the way the XT communicates. He talks in foam!
XT-5000: [foaming continuously with slurping, gurgling sounds] Joel: Oh, well, that's kind of a interesting way to interface... kind of a bubble memory, huh? Crow: Yeah! Servo: Thank you! Crow: Thank you, yeah. Servo: Thank you. Joel: Ew. [touches foam] Crow: Wow, that's... Joel: Yeah. Servo: Well, here comes the answer, um... Crow: Yeah, lemme check it out, here... Servo: What's it say, Crow? Crow: Uh, haven't quite figured out how to read it yet... uh... Joel: You guys, it's kinda messy... Servo: Oh, I guess all computers are bug-proof, huh? I'd like to be on the mailing list for one of those! Sign me up!! Joel: Oh... Servo: Ugh. Well, uh, it's starting to pile up, here...
XT-5000: [clanking, slurping, and gurgling sounds as foaming intensifies] Crow: Yeah. Joel: I don't... Crow: Oh. Servo: So... Crow: Yup... Joel: Eww. Crow: We thought you'd be happy for us! Joel: Ugh. Servo: Joel... can you see if it's commercial sign yet, Crow? [increasingly muffled by foam] Servo and Crow: [indistinct chatter muffled by rising foam] Joel: I think we've got commercial sign, you guys... yeah, it's really neat... ugh.
[Commercial Sign]
Der Schweigende Sterne (1960 - GDR)
Put the silhouette of theatre seats behind you for a moment and look at this film. The Stasi may be watching as you look, so be sure to keep your heroic-realist faces on and applaud at the appropriate moments.
This episode features a version of this film edited for American release and titled “First Spaceship on Venus”. The original title of the film, translated from German, is “The Silent Star”. We tend to prefer this title -- surely the ship from Venus that crashed, creating the Tunguska explosion, is the first spaceship on Venus. Or, perhaps the people of Venus made other spaceships before that one, in which case whichever one they built first was definitely the first spaceship on Venus.
Anyway, let us give you the People’s Democratic Plot Summary. We’ve got some kind of rusty ‘spool,’ found in the Gobi desert, and circumstantially linked to the mysterious Tunguska explosion. Some mumbling and hand-waving takes place and we, the audience, are assured that the Tunguska impactor must have been an alien spacecraft, and that it must have originated on our sister planet Venus. Naturally, an expedition is mounted post-haste.
On the way to Venus, the message within the spool is deciphered. We would have suggested deciphering the message before leaving, but of course they didn’t consult us in planning this mission. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the message is one of doom and destruction: the details of a Cytherean war-plan for the extermination of all life on Earth. The crew debates turning back to warn the doomed Earth, but they determine that this would only incite panic and press on.
Of course, the message isn’t deciphered until the expedition arrives at Venus, where some kind of interference conveniently disables any communication with Earth. It would be too easy if they could just call, you know, so a contrivance was needed. With the help of the least interesting robot you may ever see in a film, the surface exploration commences.
After the airing out of several tongues and the dispensation of great volumes of hot air, we finally arrive at another plot development: the peoples of Venus are all gone, annihilated by their own atomic weapons run amok. Along the way, we meet some kind of storage medium in the form of little robotic bugs, and some of our heroes flee up a tower from some kind of weird sludge. Rest assured, none of this is particularly interesting or spectacular.
At this point, with the danger to Earth apparently gone, another contrivance is needed. The doomsday device which was to irradiate the Earth is accidentally activated, a member of the crew is running out of air, and all sorts of contrived action suddenly takes place. The desperate plan to deactivate the doomsday machine is a success but it flings the ship back into space and away from Venus. By amazing coincidence, and definitely not yet another plot contrivance, this unplanned flinging sends the craft directly home to Earth. The stranded crew member and the man sent to rescue him are both abandoned to their fates.
That’s the price of progress and exploration, ostensibly. It’s not enough to put a damper on the celebration as the ship returns to Earth. At the heroic return of our heroes, the film takes the time to hammer down on its rather contrived message: Nuclear bombs is bad, guys. Trite.
You’d never know if it wasn’t in the credits, but this film is ostensibly based on The Astronauts (Astronauci), an early novel by the legendary science fiction author Stanisław Lem (Solaris, The Cyberiad, Fiasco, Solaris, His Master’s Voice, Solaris, and of course most notably Solaris. [Editor’s note: Read Solaris.])
It may not surprise you to learn that Mr. Lem was rather unimpressed with the final product. We are inclined to share his opinion.
Go read Solaris, my friends. Or, watch the film. [Editor’s Note: If George Clooney is in it, that’s the wrong film.]
Dr. Forrester’s Nicknames for Joel (S02E11)
TFW what were once derisive nicknames are becoming ever-more affectionate pet names...
This Week: “Mon’ami”
Previously: “Sir Goofus von Drakesnot” “Barnacle built for two” “Bumpus” “My Takeout Troglodyte” “Grog Blossom” “Joely-cakes” “Pink Boy” “Joel Hackerson” “Joyless Prole” “Pasty Boy” “Clambake” “Joelarini / Joel-a-reenie / or your preferred choice of spelling “Bubbie” “Joelarini-weenie” / “Joel-a-reenie-weenie” / any spelling you like “Joel-y”
The Complete List of Season 1 Nicknames: (below the cut)
Invention Exchange (S02E11)
Joel starts things off with his Junk Drawer Helper. It’s a sort of starter kit for junk drawers with a CO2 cartridge, a plastic golf ball, a card to a Harley Davidson dealership, Silly Putty, and a little flower. Of course, before you know it...
...a neat magic trick happens and the junk drawer becomes a cornucopia. The Mads, too, show off their junk drawer, which is perhaps more sinister in its contents. They are ostensibly searching for their invention but we can’t help noticing a hint of jealousy in their opening comments.
Eventually, after a ham-fisted joke about product placement, they find their way to their invention: Abe Vigoda’s back. He’s not returned, mind you, it’s just the rear side of him... but not in the way you’re thinking. It’s literally his back, played by no less a figure than the great Michael J. Nelson, here-current head writer and future-past host of MST3K. Hi, Mike!
Are these really inventions? Well, that’s not for us to say. These are the contents of this week’s so-called ‘Invention Exchange’ segment, regardless. And a final note: don’t miss the Frank’s stunning series of impersonations as the Mads rummage through their junk. He’s so awful that it’s impossible not to love him.
First Spaceship on Venus (S02E11)
Are you all packed? We’re going on a trip behind the Iron Curtain this week. It’s a German science fiction film -- East German, mind you -- and it’s a steaming fog machine paradise, so pack for a summer vacation, my friends, but don’t expect to get outside the ship much.
Yes, like a long, terrible episode of Star Trek, this particular space film spends way too much of its actual space time focusing on (cheaper to film) events aboard the spacecraft itself, with very little action. We can’t help but notice how the dreary, flimsy spaceship set is oddly reminiscent of the Satellite of Love’s own bridge, but with all the charm and wonder stripped away.
The episode begins with a really excellent segment. Joel is adjusting Tom Servo’s sarcasm sequencer, as Crow looks on. At first, the results are overwhelming. Joel can only stand by and cringe as an endless torrent of excessive, gushing sarcasm bursts forth. This is apparently the ‘constant sarcasm’ setting; Crow suggests the ‘random’ setting and this appears to be the one we are used to.
As a test, Joel mentions Pia Zadora, Dan Quayle, and (of course) notorious prop comic Gallagher. Of these, only one gets a sarcastic reply -- (of course) Gallagher -- and, apparently, Joel is satisfied with the sarcasm sequencer’s performance. The Gallagher Grudge is real, my friends, but that’s a topic for another time.
Anyway, this week we have a great episode. Space movies are always fertile ground for riffing, and this is no exception. Of course, this one has a little something special, too: it’s European and it’s dubbed. We are well and truly in the butter zone of good-badness. Not only that, but you will find some really excellent host segments in this episode too but, to be fair, the Editor loves all the host segments so our information in this area may be biased.
Coming Soon!
Season 2, Episode 11: First Spaceship on Venus
Letter from unnamed fans (S02E10)
[Editor’s Note: Joel is holding his Theremin and, somewhat hypnotized by its tones, he wanders around the bridge obliviously...]
Dear Sirs,
It's us again, the MSTies from Milwaukee, with our weekly approbations of doom. As usual, we--
Servo: Uh, thank you, Joel...
--we had a great time with the latest show. We wanted to point out a few things regarding the enclosed--
[crash] Servo: Thank you, again, Joel
enclosed--
Servo: Hey, they enclosed some scorecards! Hey, Cambot, put these up! These are really interesting! Crow: Oh, cool!
Servo: Now, look, they actually rate us on a scale of one to ten on the movie, on sarcasm, on the invention exchange, and they say 'host segments,' uh, what are host segments? Crow: Uh, I don't know. Servo: Got me on that one...
[Editor’s Note: There is no omission. Very little of this letter is actually read on-air.]
Final Segment (S02E10)
Crow rattles off a litany of complaints pertaining to his familiarity with the work of Robert Lippert as seen in contrast with his total dearth of exposure to more high-class, high-quality cinema. He mentions Kurosawa, Truffaut, and the Odessa Steps sequence. All fine examples! The Editor can’t help but wonder how Crow knows about these things if he’s never seen them... but this is not the time for such questions.
Joel has a Theremin. We can’t recall ever seeing anyone else use this particular ‘hold the theremin and wave it around’ technique for playing one, however. Unique, hilarious, but apparently not very effective. The Editor recommends that any aspiring theremin players reading this should stick to the standard ‘move your hands around the Theremin’ technique.
Crow and Servo are annoyed by the sound of Joel’s Theremin, but Joel is unaware, entranced by the hypnotic tones. As Joel carries on in the background, Crow and Servo take care of the letter reading and final transmission from the Mads...
To add insult to injury, Dr. Forrester gloats about maybe going to a Kurosawa festival. For his part, Frank is also quite taken by the Theremin, and so his face becomes Clayton’s utensil of choice for Pushing the Button this week. Twice.
Host Segment 3 (S02E10)
[Organ Music] Servo: [Announcing] And now, it's time for another episode of "Emotional Scientist," starring Joel Robinson as Albert Einstein. Joel: [as Albert Einstein] Oh, let's see here, I've almost got the theory of relativity... wha-- oh, that just makes me so sad when I-- [normal voice] I can't do this, you guys. [Music Stops] Servo: Uh... Joel: I don't-- Servo: Joel, what's the matter? Joel: I ca-- for one thing, I can't do an Albert Einstein, I sound like an East Indian... Servo: Uh-huh Joel: ...and, uh... I don't see why I always have to be the one dressing up in the dumb costumes! [throws off wig]
Joel: I don't get it! Servo: Mmm-hmm. Crow: What's the matter with you? Don't you know what it is to put on that grease paint, [growing emotional now] don that theatrical mask, get up on that stage and [sniffs] sing and dance your dear little heart out? [sobs] Joel: Crow, you are becoming so camp, you make me want to throw up! Now, listen, if you guys wanna go on with your little irreverent sketches, and keep donning your little costumes and makeup, go right ahead, but just count me out of it, alright? Servo: No-- Now, wait, at least you could hold up the title card for us... jeez. Joel: Alright, okay. Servo: Okay, come on, clear it, people, we got a sketch to do! Crow: Oh, okay!
[organ music] Servo: [Announcing] And now, it's time for another exciting episode of "Emotional Scientist," starring Crow as Madam Curie. Crow: [as Marie Curie] Well, I should be discovering the theory of Radium pretty soon, I think, and then I'm going to go to that Jerry Lewis Film Festival! Aw, what's the use? I'm havin' a bad day! Nobody understands my needs! It's that time of th-- [Music Stops] Crow: [normal voice] Aw, jeez, you know, Joel's right. I can't even do a good accent on this thing, either. I--- ugh, oh, get this thing off me-- Servo: Crow... Crow: --I quit! Servo: He's right! You're right! We've been fools to think that robots can be actors! We're trapped in outer space! We couldn't even go to New York and study with Uta Hagen if we wanted to! [sobs] Crow: Uta Hagen!? [sobs] Crow and Servo: [sobbing intensifies]
Joel: Aw, oh, come on you guys, please, don't be like that. I can't stand to see you so upset like this. I'm sorry. I know... I re-- okay, I realize that these sketches are important to you, I'm sorry, okay? Crow: [sniffs] Servo: Jeez, Joel, you know, it never ceases to amaze me how you continue to take personal inventory and then, when you're wrong, you promptly admit it! Joel: Oh, well, thanks a lot. I like you guys a lot, too, and I know two robots and a human that have a sketch to do... Crow: Really? Servo: Oh boy! [clears throat]
[organ music] Servo: [emotional] And now, it's time for another episode of "Emotional Scientist," starring Joel Robinson as Jerry Lewis, Crow as Dean Martin, and Tom Servo as Enrico Fermi. [Joel, Servo, and Crow, in character, all talking over each other at once] [Commercial Sign]