Avatar

....

@dont-chase-replace

Just done
Posts
philosophybits
Avatar
philosophybits
“A world full of happiness is not beyond human power to create; the obstacles imposed by inanimate nature are not insuperable. The real obstacles lie in the heart of man, and the cure for these is a firm hope, informed and fortified by thought.”

— Bertrand Russell, Proposed Roads To Freedom

noekcals

MAGIC SPELL EVERYONE

💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥

Reblog to lose 7 pounds in a week

💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫💥💫

Reblog to weight less than yesterday

honeypleasejustkillme

I think something people don’t realize about personality disorders is that it’s extremely hard to learn to cope better, not just because of the traits of the disorders, the lack of resources, and the stigma, but also because our sense of identity is so heavily intertwined with our mental illness / our delusions, that the idea of coping in a different way than our normal feels like erasing ourselves.

Our coping mechanisms become our life, our identity, so saying it’s wrong is like saying we’re wrong. Saying we cope poorly is like saying we’re not wanted in this world. It’s an illogical mindset, but since when have delusions been grounded in logic and reality?

One of the hardest parts about my personal growth as a person with NPD is allowing myself to choose who I am, who I want to be, and how I present myself to the world rather than having an identity attached to me due to circumstances outside of my control. I’m so used to being identified through the way I cope, the way people perceive me, or the harm I cause others rather than the way *I* choose to identify myself. Even now, as an adult whose been in therapy for years, I regularly find myself wondering “who am I if not [the instigator, the problem child, the family disappointment, the kid who self harms in the school bathroom, the cry baby, the victim, the narcissistic asshole]”

Trying to form an identity for myself detached from my trauma, my poor coping, or the labels others have assigned me feels like I’m erasing everything I am and have ever been. I have hobbies, I have a job, I have values, I have goals, but none of that feels like me. I don’t see myself as someone who controls what I do and what I think, I see myself through the validation and perceptions others have of me. As a victim of abuse, as someone who struggles with relationships, as someone who’s messed up a lot in their past, this means that I default to being “the bad guy.” When people ask who I am, my default answer is “I’m not a good person.”

Many therapists have tried to teach me to value myself, to build a self-esteem, but it’s not as easy as affirmations and positivity. My personality is disordered. And who are we outside of our personalities? It feels like a constant battle to change the way I think, so most days, I simply choose to change the way I act. Yes, I will choose kindness. Yes, I will be compassionate where I can be. Yes, I will treat myself like I’m my favorite character in the story of life. But at my core, my personality disorder devalues everything I do. I need validation, love, affirmation from others that I’m doing “the right thing” even when it comes to myself. “No one can choose who you are, that’s a choice you get to make” is what my therapist tells me every other session, but no matter how much I tell myself that, it doesn’t feel right.

I always feel like I’m nothing, nobody, an empty vessel just going through the motions of life, even though I’m always making choices, I have relationships, I have hobbies, etc. I’ve yet to fully understand how to combat this mindset. Life is all about learning and growing, I guess. For now, I’ll simply pretend I know who I am and what I’m doing.