me, every day: i just dont have the energy for this today

*absolutely nothing happens* 

wow this is giving me a lot of anxiety 

I’ve made an oath to never watch Adam Sandler and you should too!

someone has to watch him at all times or he will escape

Sorry but how do people know about cars. There are like 400000 different types of cars and they all look the same. How is anyone able to tell them apart and be like “ah a 2007 Dodge Antelope Duster, good engine but the wheels go vroom vroom too hard.” Like what are they saying, what is there to say

“i’m a nice guy, why don’t bitches like me”

well son, let me tell you about the birds and the bees. i have 100 birds and 100 bees in this box. they’re angry. i’m opening the box. they’re coming for you

Spotify wrapped

i never check my email because then i will have to reply to some of them and that is how you get more emails

if i stay very still and don't make any noise maybe they'll forget that i'm there and leave me alone

there is not a single role chris pratt does that jack black couldn’t do better

at the people saying jack black couldn’t play star lord: why? no really, go ahead and tell me. I think I know the answer but I want to hear you say it.

i am obsessed with the comments on recipe sites

me: I don’t have enough time me: *stares at the carpet for 5 straight minutes thinking about how I don’t have enough time*

i hate applying for jobs because the employers are always like: do you enjoy working in a stressful environment???? do you strive for unobtainable standards of perfection???? are you good at dealing with people that make you feel extremely uncomfortable??? do you mind losing real hours of your life in order to make minimum wage?? are you a fan of capitalism??? do you love selling your soul just so you can afford to live???

hi my name is straightguy contractor and this is my wife blondehair interiordesign and this is our hgtv show, gentrification

Me: in conclusion, get rid of roads, undomesticate all horses, and reintroduce chimpanzees to the American Midwest.

Guy interviewing me for a position with the US Fish and Wildlife Service: Could you……………..elaborate on that?

Me: How could I possibly be any clearer

Him: first if all you just walked in and started your sentence with “in conclusion,”

So many people are desperately googling whether chimpanzees are native to the us midwest right now

Today I found out if you have a degree in wildlife management you can say something absolutely against any history or facts and people will just be Extremely Worried you know something really big that they somehow missed

All of them

facts

responsible DM brain: you should really finalize your planning for this session with less than 24 hours before it happens

gremlin DM brain: why plan? your players have so many emotional issues to roleplay through, just sit there and watch half the party have an emotional breakdown, session done

this advertising is so effective that it made me want to go buy a brand that’s been defunct for 40-something years

anyone interested in seeing 6 new frogs

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