Ok my family and friends its has been a year and I am ready to talk about it. So on this day last year I made the hardest decisions I have ever made. I split up with Gigi. In doing so I left everything that I had built and known for 10 1/2 years. A family, a dog and most importantly my kid(though I will never truly be away from him).
The reason for my leaving is that our relationship was truly toxic to the point that my son told me to leave her. I know there were things that I contributed to the toxicity at different times but they barely compared to what I kept hidden. I lied time and time again to everyone including myself that everything was fine. That I was happy being used as the monster because I was too young and insecure to stop it. That if I could just go along with everything, I could some how make her happy. I lost who I was potentially on my way to be.
Yes there were the good times and for atleast 50% of the time I wouldn't have changed anything that we did together as a family. I am proud of being a parent, a contributing factor to a sometimes healthy family and a homemaker. My son is still my world. I think of him constantly and miss him so much it hurts.
Unfortunately within the first 2 months of leaving and trying to still communicate with atleast my son I fucked up. I got so wrapped up in the nonsense between his mother and I that my head went straight up my ass. I broke off communication with him without even discussing it with him even though I had always discussed everything with him up until that point. It took the summer with lots of good discussions with close family and friends for me to detach my head from ass. But it was too late and the damage was done.
I have not seen nor heard my son's voice for almost 11 months. I have also not had communication of any type with him since September. I did make the mistake of not heading his wish a month after he said he needed time by asking him about what his Halloween costume would be. This is something that had come as second nature to me because it happened to be the holiday we talk the most about. In doin so I upset him even more and his mother instructed me to leave him be which is her right to do so as his biological mother.
Fortunately I have still been able to be in contact with some that are still in his picture. Unfortunately at this time that is getting harder to be ok with. He is still in the city with his momma and with each passing day from this pandemic, my worries increase. He is my greatest love and this is hell.
Finally this year has been my biggest in personal growth and I am back to who I was supposed to be. I have lost friends and a piece of soul that was starting to fill in but didn't know was supposed to be there. I have also made a great many new friends, accrued more pack and made new loving family. I am also learning to love myself more with each passing day. Being able to identify better the faults that I have in myself and working all the more diligently on them.
I will admit I probably should have left in July of 2018 when the toxicity of being around my wife drove me to attempt suicide twice and admit myself to emergency mental health treatment. Once at home and once while in the services of the inpatient mental health. While there my medications were mishandled. I was subjected to even more triggering event to my already over anxious and depressed mind. And I was so out of it that I didn't get more than a few hours of sleep for atleast 72 hours. When finally able to get some balance in the institution I was able to be convinced by myself and everyone else that I was gonna be ok goin back home. Dispute its contributions to getting me back to me to have the courage to finally live for me, I will never admit myself to another situation as that.
Unfortunately in going back things only got worse and my mental health was taking a downward shift. So I had 3 choices. Admit myself again. Staying and something bad happening between Gigi and I. Or I could leave, getting away from the disfunction of a relationship that was my marriage to Gigi. With the help of my son and others, I chose the most logical.
I have proven to myself that I can not be broken. Maybe stretched alot but I always have those that love me and myself to snap me back to me. I kept a hold to family that I love very much and who love and care about me so much that I haven't been on my own with this process. Allowed me to live still close enough to my son that if and when he starts talking to me again, I am close enough to him that he can easily come see him.
For once I feel free to live the way I should and again I am truly happy to be me. Thank you to those who have known and supported me through not just this past year but also the past years. And big big thank you to those of you who have been especially loving to me. I love you Haughtons!!! 🦎❤🦃&🐻
