I still cry every time I watch Kylo Ren kill Han Solo but I’d still let him put me on a leash and fuck me

I figured we’d be back together and I’d be choosing your Christmas presents about now, but you’re gone and you don’t even have a headstone where I can lay a wreath.

Life is not fair. I need the holidays to be over.

Roommate: “I apologize in advance but this is gonna be a really fat joint.”

Me: “that’s like saying ‘I apologize in advance but I have a really big dick.’”

All i want for Christmas is to fucking die. God knows enough people I care about have died this year

I used to joke that it didn’t matter if the glass was half empty or half full as long as there was alcohol in it

And then my whole life was empty except for alcohol.

This seems like yesterday. I still sleep on the pillow stained from that hair spray.

I’d trade places with you in less than a second because all I want is to fucking die. I know plenty of people that’d get rid of me to have you back, myself included.

We were not always good to each other but I never stopped loving you. I’ll never love anyone the way I loved you. I’m so sorry I gave up on us. I wonder what we would have dressed up as this Halloween if I could have saved you.

The problem with the gay ass “grief model” therapists get overpaid to sit on their fat asses and regurgitate to you is that the “sadness” stage ends. It NEVER fucking ends. I was fine for a few weeks and then it was her birthday. I was okay but not great afterwards, but I pulled out my lighter to take a smoke break at work tonight and it was her favorite kind. I’m back to square one, over a goddamn CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

I’d give anything to trade places with Cody or Molly. She had a family and she was worth something. She was a mother, a good friend, and a good person. She contributed so much more to the world than i will ever have the energy to, and the guilt is like an anvil on my chest. I can’t say any of the same and the world is deprived of her light, while I’m stuck here dragging everyone around me down too. The world needs Molly’s so much more than they need people like me.

I’m not mad at Cody anymore either because I could have tried harder to show him a better way of life was worth it, and instead i gave up on him. He had so much potential and if I had pushed him to get help as hard as he pushed me, maybe he’d still be here too. That will follow me to my grave and I hope I’m in it soon.

I’m not angry at you anymore, my friends. I’m heartbroken because it should have been me.

Paris was fucking incredible. So was Greece, but i lost my phone for part of the trip so the only photos i have saved are of Paris. Italy was awful. Rome is overcrowded, overrated, and full of rude ass people (local and otherwise).

I walked two miles to a beach and collected rocks, and climbed abandoned windmills. This is what Oak Island felt like when it was Long Beach. When we could let our children run around on bikes all night without worrying.

I saw so much art. I saw so many of the marks that people from the past have left on our world today. I wish I could tell Cody that his impact on my world was like Monet’s waterlillies. From some perspectives, they’re nothing. Pointless. But when you step back, you see it, and they are so beautiful.

So many people told me you weren’t good enough for me. If I hadn’t believed them and given up on us maybe I could have saved you. You were in my heart in the city of love, no matter how much you hated me at the end of your life.

I have to pull it together. After an entire month now, between being displaced by the storm and this trip, I go back to work tomorrow.

Paris is fuckin dope

It’s been a fucking process (and expensive AF) but I got my hair from auburn to silver in a little under 3 weeks.

I don’t recommend it but it is possible.

Witchy vibes

Happy Fall

I’m going to Paris in 2 days

I guess I’ve reached the anger phase of that tired ass grief model.

Cody, why didn’t you listen when I begged you to stop all the shit you were doing? I know that on some level, although you were not often good at showing it, that you loved me. Why, when I left you and told you it was largely because I could not keep watching you destroy yourself, did you continue? Why, WHY am I coping with your death using the same shit that killed you? I loved you with all my heart and I left you because the drugs and alcohol made you treat me like shit, and I knew they would one day put you in the ground, and I couldn’t stand to watch it happen. I guess I did anyway. I thought it would be years down the road, that I would be elsewhere with a new life where I didn’t crave your smell on my sheets anymore, and I would get a text or a call that you died of an overdose or a drunk driving accident or something of the like, and I would be sad, but not broken, and life would go back to normal once I had sent my condolences to our old friends. Either that, or I would stick with my therapy, reach all the milestones with staying clean, and years down the road I would get a call from you saying you wanted to catch up. We would go to a coffee shop, not a bar, and enjoy a cup of coffee together and you’d tell me how you cut yourself off from your toxic family, you finished school, and now you were a social worker, finally making something positive of your incredibly fucked up life. You would reach for my hand and tell me I was the only missing piece in your life. I would tell you I had kept the faith that we would find our way back to each other because I couldn’t love anyone the way I loved you, I just wanted the best versions of ourselves to be the ones in love with each other. We would grow old with no more yelling, hitting, or harsh words. We would regularly go to therapy together, just to keep ourselves healthy so we didn’t have to go to hell and back with one another ever again.

Molly, why did you kill yourself and leave Jesse and your babies behind? No one will even cover my shift so I can go to your goddamn funeral. I’ve worked myself to the bone this summer so I can take days off in the winter. I fully intended on flying down to spend a few days with you ESPECIALLY since you had to miss Galax this year. God I missed you so much that weekend, this was the first year i remember all of galax because I wasn’t fucked up on pills. You were so proud of me for getting clean. Now I’m so fucked up over your death that I’ve gone and fucked that up too. I didn’t even respond to your last Snapchat, I told myself I’d get back to you later. But I never did. I don’t know how to relate to people and you loved me anyway. I just wish you would have loved yourself and your family enough to seek out the resources available to you. How do you knowingly leave behind a daughter just a year old, and a son who will likely never have the capacity to fully understand? Will he feel like it’s his fault because it took so much love and care to help his scrambled little brain learn to navigate the world? How could you put that entirely on Jesse, who already works one of the most stressful jobs on the planet? You will never have to deal with it, and I’m angry. Because you’re gone and none of us know what the fuck to do. Jordan is taking it harder than me and he’s already so sick. Is he next? Am I next? I’m either going to end up like you one day or like Cody. And I don’t think it’s going to be very long from now because I’ve reached my goddamn limit with it all.

Yesterday would have been your birthday. I got a sample of your cologne at Sephora thinking it would bring me some comfort. It didn’t.

Could people I love please stop fucking dying

I want this day back so goddamn bad I did love you I do love you