sometimes i’m like “why am i still here” but then i realize that i’m often the only person who is around to take bad-to-eat stuff out of my dog’s mouth and i think there’s this sort of western idea of “if youre not CEO youre nothing special” but my dog is still alive bc of me and i’m still alive bc of other people so maybe i’m just here to pet cats and wear sweaters and help people take the glass out of their mouth. you know? maybe i won’t be CEO but maybe i’ll be able to help somebody afford their trip home. and i think that’s pretty okay, you know?

i needed to hear this today i think

Duke loves to play fetch. (vine by Broke Baker)

i told Derek that I want this playing on a loop at my funeral

EVERYONE STOP I JUST LEARNED A NEW EMOTICON

‘,:)

10/10

Frequently asked questions

is he gay

me

me: fIGHT ME (ง︡’-‘︠)ง

me: *is afraid to ask people for help at stores* *stutters when ordering take out* *runs as fast as i can out of a room after i shut the lights off in case the shadow monsters try to get me* *will refuse to go back into a room after seeing a spider until i know for a fact it is gone* 

angel lol

The most talented dog

Ever wonder how many strangers have thought you were attractive in passing

(via ashleighjadee)

Before I un-muted all I thought was “Damn, that crab looks so gangster.”

how did so much happen in 6 seconds

MY BIRD IS SITTING IN THE TOP CORNER OF HER CAGE CALLING MY DOG’S NAME AND ASKING IF HE WANTS A TREAT AND IF HE WANTS TO GO TO OUTSIDE AND HE’S TOO STUPID TO REALIZE IT’S HER SO EVERYTIME SHE SAYS SOMETHING HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE

  SHE LAUGHS EVERYTIME TOO AND NOW HE’S JUMPING ON ME AND BARKING AND GETTING MAD AT ME LIKE OLIVER TURN AROUND AND LOOK IN THAT HUGE ASS CAGE AND BEG HER FOR A FUCKING TREAT OR SOMETHING. 

NOW SHE ASKED IF HE WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK 

  SOMEONE HELP. 

NO OLIVER, IGNORE ECHO. NO ONE IS HERE 

I PROMISE. 

I’M 1000% DONE.

“OLI GO CAGE.” NO OLI 

  DON’T. 

GO. 

CAGE. 

birds straight-up fuckin with other pets is my jam

Well, that was easy.

You just learned 8 Chinese words in the cutest way possible.

Love this!!

You’ve heard of Grand Theft Auto, now get ready for

stealy wheely automobiley

my dogs af

Guess who’s got a new ringtone

My dog actually freaked out when she heard this

Miley’s unreleased song of Nightmare (x)

I can’t stop listening to this shit, it makes me want to throw on some fucking leather pants, take some ecstasy, and shine lasers in my eyes and make out with The Killers and Zedd at the same time while Miley fucks me in the ass with a crystal dildo.

This is honestly the best song I have heard since like 2000 good fuckn B YE

Holy shit that chorus is like a 3D kaleidescope for your ears

fuck me up with this song tbqh

ppl who are shy at first but become obnoxious and loud once theyre comfortable around you r awesoem. hold on  a sec wait pt this text ost on hold. theres pirate ship outside my window right now whath the 

I LIVE BY A R river I CANT GET A CLEAR picture its turnign around

In gonna replace every bone in my body with a knife, if someone punches me they’re in for a surprise (the knife)

WHAT ARE YOU I LOVE YOU