The Birth of the Language of Backflip

So, this is the first session of our campaign. There’s a fountain in the middle of the map.

Garry that guard decides to do a backflip, just because. He rolls an 18 and lands it.

The next player says, I’m gonna do a front flip!! He’s playing a paladin, with -7 acrobatics, and also he’s standing in the fountain.

He rolls a 3. His character starts the front flip, lands on his face, and starts drowning.

Later on, we’re now in a back room, all of us but Garry. So, he busts down the door, looks around, and attempts a backflip.

He rolls a 1.

And face plants. He gets up and tries again.

Rolls a 1. Face plants again, and we decide to tie him up, for his own good, when he decides to do another backflip.

He’s tied up in a chair, with a -3 acrobatics.

He rOLLS A 20, DM rolls a 6 on a d6, and hE LANDS THE FLIP.

Redemption, and the language of backflip was born.

Don't piss of your primary mode of transportation

    So, first couple session of a new campaign, and we had a teifling swashbuckler, a halfling bard, and (my character) Perun, a firbolg cleric. Due to the slower walking speed of the halfling and the carrying capacity of Perun, the halfling typically rode on my shoulder.

     Anyways, one evening we are in a small tavern run by a Dragonborn lady, near my character’s size, trying to get mead and a place to sleep. The entire conversation the halfling character is trying to get me to hit on her and is making lewd suggestions and puns, much to the amusement of all of us around the table. However due to Perun’s low charisma and outlander background he gets embarrassed and barely get’s food. As the tavern lady walks away, she scoffs to the halfling, “Not scaly enough for me”

     Next day with the embarrassment behind, the party sets out along a path that eventual has a group of kobolds picking over dead bodies. In my wisdom Perun, uses thaumaturgy to increase his voice and screams in Giant at the kobolds, causing roughly a third to run away without looking our way. The halfling in my ear immediately says, “That definitely tipped the scales”. Perun (who may have some rage issues) immediately tossed her towards the remaining kobold. This immediately killed the kobold and scattered the rest. It started our use of the new move called the “Half-Fling”.

Korthos Comforts Deltas

So this wasn’t really during a campaign but my DnD buddies were messing around on Discord and my friend (who’s character’s name is Deltas) said something along the lines of “Deltas is currently crying in the club rn” and I replied with “Korthos is laughing in the club rn because he doesn’t know how to react to social situations”. Keep in mind that Korthos is a rogue lizardfolk, and lizardfolk tend to not understand emotions or feelings aside from aggression, pleasure, and fear. I then proceeded to talk as Korthos, saying “Why are you wasting fluids, Deltas? You can use them later.” Deltas replies with “Why would I use tears?”, to which Korthos replies with “To rehydrate, Deltas”. Deltas then cries even harder, to which Korthos laughs harder.

I Accidentally Seduce the Right Hand Man of the Final Boss

Things to note: Okay, so this was me and my sister’s first time playing dungeons and dragons with my sis as dm. So, this was supposed to be a trial session, nothing more. Also, this happened last year so I may not remember a few things correctly. The events were like this.

So I, a bronze dragonborn rogue, got separated from my party aka kidnapped. I wake up in a cell, all of my weapons and equipment gone save for my lock picking kit except the only thing inside was a pin and something else that I couldn’t remember. Either way, useless.

However, I didn’t give up. I was getting out. I managed to find out that a wall was hollow thanks to a good investigation roll. I managed to break my fingers from trying to break the wall (thanks dice). I resorted to hitting it with my tail, which actually worked. The wall finally gave out, revealing a corridor.

So, I go down there in the dark. Eventually I come across a fork. After investigating one corridor, which turned out to lead to a kitchen, I went to the other one.

So, imagine this: huge metal door, like those fancy huge ones that you see in castles, with this hatch. So I approach it and before I could do anything, the hatch opens and an eye pears out, it looks around before finally spotting me.

“Password?” A voice asks.

Now, I could simply say that I got lost and leave but nah. I was feeling adventurous and curious. So, I said that I was with someone. Voice asks me who I was with.

Guess what name I used.

“Enyo.” I confidently lied. “Enyo Fez.”

Yes. I actually said that. I didn’t expect the guy to fall for it. Hell, I got a bad roll. By some miracle, my sister’s roll was lower. In other news, he fell for it, there was an actual Enyo Fez inside and I am mistaken for the guy’s date. So I decided to roll with it even though I’m not dressed appropriately and I have a hand with broken fingers.

Two things I realized when I entered: 1) This was one of those parties where people get together to hook up. (I know there’s a name for it but I can’t put my finger on it)

2) This was full of monsters and villains. Yes. It was a Villains Gala or something.

So, I’m being led to my table, I’m white as a sheet after realizing that one wrong move could get me killed and also the fact some people (probably already tipsy) were either giving me the bedroom eyes or flirting with me. I even got someone’s number.

Eventually I reach my date’s table. Dragonborn, just like me only red, only more appropriately dressed, rather good-looking in Dragonborn standards.

This is where things get foggy but all I know is that thanks to the dice, he actually thought I was his date. I guess this was the first time he gets to meet his date face to face. He even had a picture of his date and I managed to lie that apparently ‘I had trouble getting dates because I was a dragonborn’ or something and he fell for it. We even waltzed, by the way. It was fake and magical at the same time.

Cue my sister telling me to roll for perception (I think it was). I made a good roll and I found out that “my” date was absolutely smitten. Crap.

Then he leads me away from the crowd and to this huge fancy window which shows a starry night and a bright full moon. I already had a bad feeling about it and turns out I was right. He was gonna confess that he likes me or was about to when a waiter came over to give him a letter.

A letter from his actual date who was apparently too sick to come.

While he was reading it out loud, I pulled a Cinderella and snuck the hell out of there and to a nearby fire exit which led outside. My sister added that I accidentally dropped my lock picking kit, which had my initials engraved on it, which my date picked up. And kept. Yeah. It turned into the world’s stupidest Cinderella story.

But wait, it gets stupider.

I managed to reach the inn where my party was. I told them a bit of what happened, leaving the date out because no you did NOT need to know about that. I get my fingers patched up, have dinner and hit the sack but before I do, I chat with my estranged family via this crystal ball (borrowed from one of my groupmates) that my sister came up as the verse’s version of a phone.

Anyway, I tell them what happened again leaving out the date part. Apparently, there have been missing person’s reports and rumors about this secret place where they serve people to the guest. You can guess where this is going.

So, I gave my dad, who was head of the investigation, the number that I got, which apparently belonged to a crime boss, I think. He said his thanks and we parted. I hit the sack.

So the next day, I read the paper. So, the place got invaded by my dad’s forces. A lot of people either died or got arrested. Few managed to escape. One of those that escaped was Enyo, who, thanks to my sister’s adlib, was apparently a dark paladin of Tiamat. I used to be an acolyte of Bahamut, her enemy, before I dropped out.

Unfortunately, the plot was so good, it needed to be continued. And that’s how we accidentally made a trial session into a full on session. All because I accidentally seduced the Right Hand Man of the Final Boss my sister was planning.

Russian Paladin

At the start of a new campaign, it’s our first fight. We’re escorting a merchant caravan when we are attacked by kobalds.

Bard:*fires an arrow at one of the kobalds in front of the paladin*

*arrow misses*

Bard: FUCK

Paladin (me): *nongeographical accent* Poor song man. This is how we do in my country. *slams morning star into inside head and kills it with one hit*

Rogue: OUR PALADIN IS RUSSIAN?!?!

Monk: Can Russians even be paladins?

My friend has recently started dm-ing with this campaign that we’re in. In the beginning of the campaign, we got kidnapped and sucked into a portal onto a continent halfway across the world where we were offered shelter at a hotel. At this point one of our players lost communication with us for a bit and so we decided to play without her and have everyone wander about the town for a bit. One player (a half elf half orc cleric) decides to take her brother character (the twin brother who is a palidan) and one of the other party members (a tiefling bard) shopping for a warhammer. The warhammers in the town ended up being mega expensive bc they were super enchanted and lvl 20 items. They tried to cast a spell on the shop keeper to get her to hand over the items but she passed the check and knew what was up. As a result she kicks them out of the shop and flips them off. Now is when the orc part is important. The cleric decides to attack the shop keeper because apparently when orcs are offended it wounds them physically. The ensuing battle resulted in the cleric falling flat on her face, the palidan using savage attack to protect his sister, and the bard using a shovel to knock the shop keeper out. The entire table is dying of laughter at this point because the dm didnt expect it and was complaining that they didnt come up with stats for her bevause they didnt think it would come up. It was all fun and games until the dm rolls a dice and goes “oh” and then slams down one of their death save skulls as the table suddenly goes silent. The shop keeper ended up living but only after she was knocked unconscious and they stole her merch and used one of her healing potions on her. And only later did the party find out that the penalty for stealing in this continent was death due to limited resources. Tldr: part of party who was just supposed to just be shopping ended up almost killing a shopkeeper and getting the entire party arrested with the death penalty.

...And Justice for all.

Nearing the end of a fantastic 7 hour 4th of July game, our party finally came across the end boss (a horned devil) and his minions. My character, Kaos, (Aarakocra gunslinger level 8 who has the appearance of a bald eagle) was keeping his distance on a nearby rooftop as the rest of the party was fighting the minions below.

Throughout the whole game, I have been keeping my secret weapon hidden from the party; a firework launcher with damage that the DM had yet to tell me. I figured that this was the best opportunity to use it. For context, the gunslinger class has grit points which work similar to a Monk’s Ki points.

DM: Okay [me], your turn.

Me: *Starts National anthem on phone* “…Kaos begins singing to himself as he loads the Patriot.”

The rest of the party is very confused at this moment, while the DM grins and says, “Roll to hit.”

I thought for a moment, looking through my abilities, and was excited when I remembered one called Deadshot, which allows me to gain a +1 bonus to the attack roll with each Grit point spent. If the attack hits, it deals damage normally, with an additional dice of weapon damage per grit point spent. I decided to use my remaining 6 grit points. (6 Grit points = +6 to hit, +6d[firearm damage dice])

The DM notices my expression, asking what I found. I explain Deadshot to him.

DM: *Shocked expression* “…6… 6 times weapon damage dice?”

Me: “Yep! I’m able to do that, right?”

DM: *Shocked expression turns almost maniacal* “…YES. YES YOU CAN.”

Now I am confused. I roll to hit, and land a total attack roll of 29 (15+8+6).

Me: “Nice, what’s the damage?”

*DM slowly reveals a small container filled with small d6’s, 18 of them.*

DM: *Trying and failing to contain his excitement* “…This… would have been your damage without Deadshot… Go ahead and… roll for… 108d6 damage!”

Now the whole table is laughing like maniacs and celebrates for a minute or two as I roll the container of dice 6 times over, using a calculator to add up the damage.

Me: “447!”

DM: “As Kaos finishes singing, he fires the rocket appropriately named ‘Fat Man’ at the devil. It explodes on his chest, killing him instantly and enveloping him and most of the buildings around him in bright colors of red, white, and blue. Everyone make a dexterity save.”

*Party rolls, everyone passes. It comes to my turn to roll.*

*Rolls a natural 1*

Me: “…… Well…. That’s unfortunate…”

DM: *Still laughing* “Overwhelmed by the freedom, Kaos places his hand over his chest and doesn’t move as a large rock crushes him, killing him instantly.”

Kaos was later resurrected by a party member who gave his life so I could live again.

A Literary Pun

A friend’s Ranger is a mountain man type, we found him by himself in the woods and sort of adopted him into our party. His name is Anri. We played for weeks before he revealed his full name. 

Anri Dafid Thoroh. Who lived by himself at Wallden Pond. I’m impressed our friend played for so many sessions without giving away their pun of a character.

The Silver Dragon

So I am fairly new to DnD and so far I have a lot of interesting stories that happened between all of our characters including one of our characters getting the mind version of an STD. But that isn’t my favorite.

My favorite is where my noob showed.

Earlier in the adventure, my character (a metal warforge monk who doesn’t have to breath) decided to walk in a river to find any treasure. The river is one that dwarves use to travel a lot so I ended up finding metals, gold, and gems. Awesome! that really paid off (I proceeded to walk into ever river I see since then including one that was a 95 foot drop. I got out.) Also earlier I had to assist in building myself a new body. Now my character is freaking great at being a smithy. I am talking like +20 between all of the bonuses I gathered.

Because I was in debt because someone decide to break my arm and enlist help from others to fix me, I needed to go get silver dragon scales or 17,000 gold since my body was made of mithral. Not knowing how I was going to do this, I just moved on with life till I figured it out. Bought a master work hammer because if I am apparently master smithy now I should have a good hammer (or any hammer), wrap the handle in cloth for extra effect and back to the dwarven city where we are staying for now!

So I research that Silver Dragons like jewelry and stuff like that so me with my metals and master hammer go down to the dwarven forges to make some jewelry (I ended up making a wondrous ring, yes I still have it) till I was satisfied with the amount I had. Leave my baby sentient ring up in my room, take a party member with me that is lawful something so the dragon doesn’t decide to keep ME, and up the mountain to find the dragon.

The thing is….The dragon is ancient. I had no idea what that meant and I only sent two characters to go grab the scales I need. Couldn’t be too big, right? Wrong. One conversation, a thank you to god that my character wasn’t kept as decoration, and two loose scales in our possession later it was time to head back down the mountain.

Only the scales were as tall as my character.

My character is 6’‘9’

After many people explaining to me my noobish mistake (though I got two dragon scales, what ya’ll complaining about), we decided to surf the dragon scales down the mountain. We couldn’t take it into the city that way, so we ended up having to drag them. Of course there was a commotion when we entered the DWARVEN city with TWO GIANT SILVER DRAGON SCALES. One of our party members noticed and I ended up having my character act like it was nothing special. We are keeping one scale and giving the other to the druids. Don’t know how we are going to get it to the druids, but we will figure that out later.

This was also the character that believed literally everything another character said even after it was proven that they had been lying to her.

Ragnarok asks for my help

In our D&D campaign I play a pyrokinetic wolf named Woof. Well, a sword that belonged to a fallen teammate, Oxford, suddenly became possessed and kept trying to get Woof to take it. Woof initially took the sword, but after it got an attitude, (btw, Woof is the only one who can hear the sword) Woof realized that a possessed fire sword cannot end well. Thus, he tried to chuck it; 3 times, and each time it came back to him. After several attempts by Woof to get rid of it, the sword made itself into a pair of gauntlets that Woof could not take off. He tried everything: pulling them off, gnawing at them, banging them against a rock, banging them against each other. Each time just resulted in the gauntlets hurting Woof. Then, when they finally got off of Woof, it turns out they had left a gaping hole in Woof’s arm. After a lot of arguing with the sword, it revealed it’s true form: a tall demon person, which revealed itself to be Ragnarok, Satan’s brother. Now they have a deal: if Woof helps Ragnarok kill Satan, Ragnarok will give Woof some of his power, and leave him alone. This is as far as the story has gotten so far, but if there are more funny moments, I’ll try to give an update. 

For context: I played a one off campaign with some friends over Skype. We came out of the sewers, covered in dirt and blood and grime. Our bard had crazy high persuasion and I, a monk, has high intimidation.

Bard: I’m going to bathe in the muddy puddle next to us and persuade the entire town into thinking I’m clean.

DM, after a long suffered sigh: Fine. Roll persuasion.

Bard rolls, gets a nat 20.

DM: Fucking, fine. The entire town thinks you’re very clean and smell pleasant.

Me: I want to intimidate the town into thinking I’m clean then.

DM: Y'all are killing me. Roll intimidation.

I roll a 19, but with my modifier added I get a 24.

DM: People kinda realize you’re dirty but they’re too scared to say anything. The decided to ignore it.

Later that game I also accidentally slept with the boss monster.

My friend wrote a campaign where we were pulling a heist at a casino. I was playing a half elf paladin, and before our game we had this interaction.

DM: So, you’re a paladin. Would your character be okay with robbing a casino with a bunch of criminals?

Me: I’m chaotic good.

DM: So? You’re still a Paladin.

Me: I’m chaotic, so I do shit like Rob casinos. I’m good, so I do it against bad people. I’m a vengeful paladin.

DM, after a long moment: Fine. I will be keeping an eye on you and your alignment.

By the end of the campaign she changed me to lawful evil

Dysfunctional team

In our first campaign ever, actually, our team, consisting of a human paladin, a wood-elf druid, a dragonborn wizard and a half-orc barbarian, were assaulted by goblins. We slew them all, except one. Our barbarian was such a pacifist that he actually picked up the last goblin, ran away into the forest, and struck a deal with him to lead him to the goblin caverns in order to broker a peace with the goblins. Obviously, the goblins assaulted him and nearly ate him at arrival, and the rest of the team had to get him out. Which we did by killing everything. By the time we got him out (along with a new human ally and the goblin he befriended) the team had gotten so dysfunctional that the only reason we didn’t stab the barbarian in the back was that the goblin was to pure and innocent. Also, someone had released our horses, so the dragonborn and the half-orc had to drag a wagon filled with supplies, two humans, a wood-elf and a goblin to the next town

Neutral Good

I was DMing a game and my party was fighting a nothic that was guarding the bridge into a stronghold. Once it dropped to 2hp it began begging for its life.

Nothic: “Wait! Those thugs don’t pay me enough for this. Please, let me live!”

Dragonborn Wizard: “Why should we?”

N: “I’ll let you cross the bridge with no further hassle!… And I’ll throw in my chest of treasure, too!”

DW: “Nah, you’re free to go. Just don’t bother us again.”

N: “Wha-…are you sure? I mean, it’s a lot of good stuff I’ve got.”

DW: “Yup, just get out of here.”

The nothic ended up getting offended and left the treasure chest on the bridge while my party wasn’t looking during a short rest.

captain burnyhands

my friend wrote this on are groups behalf (he is the fighter)

So, our group was sent out on a mission to retrieve a shipment of ore for the local blacksmith. It had been expected to arrive five days prior, but it had never showed up. We made our way out of the city, and eventually found its wreckage a few days up the road. There were several corpses nearby, one of which was missing an arm, which had been severed in an impossibly clean manner in a single strike.

We also found some tracks, which we followed and, eventually, traced back to a nearby cave. Outside the cave, we saw a group of 5 bandits, two of whom were in a makeshift watchtower keeping guard over the area. The DM expected us to take the battle on headfirst.

We did not.

Our first thought was to try to snipe the occupants of the watchtower, but this was swiftly vetoed due to the fact that the rest of the bandits would have noticed. Then we had a second thought. Our party had two tieflings in it, both with thaumaturgy as a racial talent. One of them used it to create an explosion noise on the opposite side of the camp, while the other created a mild earthquake to make it seem as if the ground had shaken from the force of the blast.

We expected some of the bandits to leave to investigate, and indeed the bandits were shaken, physically and mentally. One of them made to go investigate, but was swiftly berated by the occupants of the watchtower for leaving his post. So Operation Explosion was a bust. Then, the bard had an idea.

He used prestidigitation and set the watchtower on fire.

One of the bandits panicked and tried to put the fire out. With his bare hands. He failed, and now his hands were burnt and his clothes were on fire. His friend then came over and attempted to put him out, and succeeded in the attempt. He then tried to put out the fire in the tower, and my fighter, having absolutely none of that, pulled out his crossbow and sniped him. Roll initiative.

My fighter went first, followed by the archers in the tower. They tried to shoot the only combatant they could see, which was of course my fighter. They missed. My fighter flipped them off.

The bandit who had earlier attempted to put the fire out with his bare hands, did the exact same thing once again. Predictably, it failed, and his hands were burnt even further. It was at this point that the party, nearly collapsed with laughter, dubbed him “Captain Burnyhands”. His friend came over and attempted to put out the fire with his cape, with considerably more success. The vampire and rogue closed in, with the rogue adamantly refusing to do anything at all combat related.

The bard, having noticed that the watchtower was not in fact on fire, decided to rectify that, and set it on fire again. On a different leg this time, to maximise the structural damage. The archers fired at my fighter. They missed. I flipped them off.

Captain Burnyhands then had an epiphany. Seeing as he could no longer feel his hands, he reasoned that they would be perfect tools to bludgeon the fire out. Against everyone’s expectations, he succeeded. Then the rogue ambushed him and tied him up with a rope.

We’re not sure if it was his burny hands or the situation in general, but Captain Burnyhands then broke down and started crying. The archers fired at my fighter again. They missed. I flipped them off.

The surviving bandit on the ground (who still had functioning hands and wasn’t subdued) proceeded to charge my fighter, and ran past the vampire, who got an attack of opportunity. He stopped directly in front of my fighter. The vampire then scaled the watchtower and begun to attack the archers. They shot at him. They missed. He flipped them off.

Before the bandit could act, my fighter fired a point blank crossbow bolt into his heart. He was dead in moments, but he had the time to look up at the burning watchtower, and Captain Burnyhands crying on the ground, and say his last words: “Fuck me.” My fighter replied “I already did.” The bard, feeling bad for Captain Burnyhands, ran up to him to try and persuade him to join our side. Captain Burnyhands cried even harder.

It was at this point that the bandit chief came out of the cave, and shouted at the bandits for disturbing his sleep. He then noticed the fighting, and ran up to the bard and took three attacks, shouting “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO LAURENCE?!”

He missed them all. He then proceeded to charge my fighter. The bard then used healing word…on Captain Burnyhands. He was no longer Captain Burnyhands, we presumed that he must have been Laurence.

My fighter then proceeded to miss both of this attacks, one of which i used an action surge for, because the chief had an AC of 16 (actually 15, the DM fucked up the numbers). The chief proceeded to retaliate, and was far more effective, cutting my HP in half. The sorceror then proceeded to latch onto him with a witch bolt and begin draining his HP, while the vampire, rogue and bard rushed to assist.

Before they could do much, however, my fighter went down. However, the bard cast healing word again, bringing him back into the fight. He made several more attacks, hitting the vampire and the fighter, leaving the fighter on 2 HP. We managed to give as good as we received, however, and eventually a combination of huge amounts of attacks and HP drain from witch bolt brought him down.

It was at this point that the party debated what to do about Captain Burnyhands, who we found out was named Laurence Burns. See, he had been tied up and taken captive in the middle of battle, which technically made him our prisoner. The vampire was all for executing him for being in our way, but the fighter, a knight, was averse to executing an unarmed prisoner, and suggested taking him back to town and turning him over to the proper authorities.

The vampire then pointed out that, because the party was theoretically equal, and the fighter hadn’t taken him prisoner, it wasn’t his decision to make. We asked the rogue, who was the one who had done so, what he believed, and eventually we put it to an unofficial vote, where the party ended up coming down on the side of the vampire. The fighter begrudgingly agreed, but asked to stage an interrogation beforehand.

The rogue decided that, depending on how cooperative he was, he would either be quickly executed via the vampire draining his blood (which would, as the vampire pointed out, take about 30 seconds) or slowly and painfully tortured to death. At this point, the NPC cleric, a tagalong to replace our missing member on the day, chimed in, saying that he could use zone of truth to aid the questioning, to which we all agreed. The questioning lasted ten minutes (realtime), during which we could ask him as many questions as we liked. We questioned him on the nature of his job, who he was, what his gang had been up to, and what was in the cave ahead. As we finished asking questions, the timer began to run down to the final ten seconds, and the vampire declared his intention to start feasting.

My fighter stepped forward, drew his sword, and beheaded Captain Burnyhands, killing him instantly.

The table pretty much instantly went into an uproar after this. The vampire was furious, the bard had apparently wanted to hug him goodbye, and the DM asked that I make an alignment check. I then proceeded to explain that my fighter had killed Captain Burnyhands because he would otherwise be killed by the vampire, which would have been drawn-out and painful either way. As a knight, he couldn’t allow a prisoner under his charge to experience that, so he gave him a quicker death as a mercy killing, rather than just executing him for the fun of it. The DM acknowledged this, and withdrew the request.

The vampire, however, was still fuming about losing his meal. I pointed out that there were plenty of freshly dead corpses for him to drain blood from, but he was apparently looking forward to having a fresh meal for once. I then pointed out that if we had to live on preserved rations and dried food, he could suffer through some corpse blood. He then proceeded to say that he was thinking of burning the fighter’s rations as a response, but we ended up having to end the session there.

A Light Tap

In one D&D session we had been travailing for weeks and decided to rest in a tavern, it was a clean tavern not like one we had been in before so we played it cool and acted like normal folk. We spoke to the sweet old lady who ran the in and she set us up in separate rooms for the night. Now two things you should know my character is a tiny dark elf with a massive hammer shaped like a fist, it is the size of her. This tiny unassuming dark elf is surprisingly strong, she is also a heavy drinker she has been drunk for decades she has not spent a day sober. The next day she wakes up with the hangover of a lifetime waiting for her companion to wake up seemed like a bad idea so I decided to lightly tap on the door with my hammer to see if she was awake. Our DM made me roll for it. I rolled a 20. The door splintered into a thousand pieces, my friend was now awake. I suggested we run and never come back but as we got to the stairs the little old lady found us. Furious she demanded we fix her door. As I broke the door she demanded I fix it and banned me from receiving alcohol until I did. my character lives for alcohol. So I agreed to fix it. 

And that is how we spent an entire session in a tavern fixing a little old ladys door.

At least you tried

Okay so I had my first DnD session yesterday, and it was only me and this other girl. I don’t really remember her character’s name, but for the sake of names, I’ll call her Miri. She’s a high elf wizard. And then there’s my wood elf ranger, Solavellis

So they’re walking in a very dark and monster infested woods, when they hear cries for help. It’s a merchants cart. The husband is injured, the wife is trying to stop the horse from running off, a wolf is eating the already dead horse, and two goblins are on either side of the cart.

Solavellis sneaks around to the left and successfully hides in some bushes. Miri tries, but…Gets caught by the goblin on the right. Because of my high stealth check, I had a surprise round. So to stop us from being spotted too soon, I roll. I get a 21 on aim, and an 8 on damage. Solavellis kills the goblin in one shot.

Because the wolf is a higher level, Miri targets that with magic missile. It doesn’t…Go to plan though. The minimum score is 6, so Miri just singes it’s fur. The wolf obviously isn’t happy, so it attacks her. It’s my turn again, so Solavellis decides to save her. I roll high on both again, Solavellis once again, one shot kills an enemy.

Then it’s the last goblins turn. He spotted Solavellis, so he charges towards him. The goblin slices through Solavellis’s armour and injures him by 4hp (out of 11hp).

Miri tries to help again. She uses her firebolts. Instead of hitting the goblin, she just narrowly misses Solavellis, singing his eyebrows.

Then it’s my turn.

Can you guess what happens?

Solavellis takes one step back, and

One shot kills the last goblin.

By the end the other girl and I, including her brother who was watching and the DM, are laughing so hard we’re crying.

A for effort though 👌

Happy Pride month everybody! A friend sent me a link to this kickstarter and as a D&D blog I thought some of you may be interested. There’s currently 5 different designs available with one more on the way, so check them out if you’re looking for some cool new LGBTQ+ themed dice.

John Lennon the Goblin Son

In the game with a few of my friends (dragonborn inquisitor, human bard, female druid, and owlfolk ranger) and i (orc barbarian), we were fighting glass staff in his dungeon (which we knocked him out in two turns). We got to one door and we wanted into the room not knowing what was on the otherside. I asked if i could kick the door open with weapons drawn. Upon entering i was surrounded by three bug-bears as well as knocking out the only goblin in the room. After a four rounds we finished all three of them. This surprised our DM since we were all level three. After killing the bugbears however, we decided to interrogate the goblin. We succeeded in getting information out of him but when our DM spoke for the goblin he had an accent that made him sound like John Lennon. i wanted to get him to become an NPC for our group. We couldn’t tho so i asked our DM if the druid could tie the goblin to me. He said probably not but to roll anyways. The druid rolled a 20 and proceeded to tie the goblin to my chest in a baby strap fashion. We also tied short swords to his hands and feet… Luckily with another 20 roll. We now just call him my son since he is strapped to my chest like a baby.

Playing 5e

Long story short we were in a cave and just released a powerful genie. We each got one wish. My fighter catfolk accidently wished for help and his entire pirate crew appeared in the cave, very pissed off. Ahaha

Then our tiefling rouge asked the genie its plans if he released it. The genie said it would plan to kill the gods that put him in his chains. So the teifling released it…. the dm stopped the session there. He stood up and smirked and said “i have much to plan”..

Please pray for us.