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Joyce Carol Oates, Solstice (via wordsnquotes)

Vincent van Gogh (via goodreadss)

the misogyny speech

my favourite thing ever in the history of this universe is the misogyny speech. i love it. i love it so much. 

for those who don’t know what the misogyny speech is: australia’s PM julia gillard was our first female prime minister and was bullied relentlessly throughout her career by sexist politicians saying that as a woman she was unfit to lead. and then. then. one day, julia gillard snapped.

the resulting three-minute speech, known simply as the ‘misogyny speech’ in australia, was possibly the most epic smackdown seen in australian political history, surpassed only by “i wanna do you slowly”. it was incredible. students memorised it and marched through the streets yelling it. a national australian choir arranged it as a five-harmony piece. even hillary clinton went out of her way to meet julia gillard and tell her how fucking awesome the misogyny speech was.

i, personally, have the misogyny speech memorised. because i live in tony abbott’s electorate, and my dream of dreams is to see him at the shops one day and follow him while yelling it.

the misogyny speech: as australian as vegemite.

may the op one day fulfil their dream of dreams 

it’s long but honestly every second is worth it the whole speech is incredibly inspirational

“that’s a direct quote by the leader of the opposition so I suggest those groaning take it up with him” Julia Gillard was taking no more shit what an inspiration

John Waters (via goodreadss)

Vigil for #KaliefBrowder, a young man who took his own life after years of reliving the trauma of spending three years in an adult prison beginning at the age of 16, for the crime of stealing a backpack in which he never was convicted. His wrongful imprisonment is another example of the flawed justice system that has stolen the lives of so many innocent people. 

the first step towards confidence is not being afraid to be ugly

once you get over the fear of being unattractive and stop equating beauty with other good things in life (friends, love, happiness) it’s a lot easier to love yourself unconditionally

your job is not to sit around and be pretty and easy on everyone else’s eyes

your job is to do whatever the fuck you want and look however the fuck you want while doing it

“noo my parents didn’t abuse me! they just accidentally made me lose all my faith in myself and caused me to feel like a worthless failure who’s never gonna be good enough to survive, and they might have hit me but it might have been just once or twice so it doesn’t count, right? they just happen to worsen my anxiety and depression constantly but I’m sure they don’t mean it!! I’m sure they have no idea how much I’m suffering and I don’t want to throw such harsh words as "abuser” around because they might find out I said such a thing and get angry, and it generally doesn’t end well for me when they’re angry! I also have bunch of holes in my memories and blurred events I’m not even sure happened in which I get hurt but who knows if I just made those up! Better be safe and assume I’m making things up and overreacting! I know if I confront them and ask them if they knew they hurt me they’re going to tell me I’m just being hysterical and imagining things for attention! They just really think they’re right! I need to keep in mind I’m indebted to them for feeding and sheltering me, god knows that was tough for them! They had a rough life too, they don’t need me accusing them of being abusers as well! Maybe it would be easier on them if I just died-“

These are the thoughts of child abuse victims. If your parents comments make you feel worthless and like a failure, they’re abusive. If your parents worsen your depression and anxiety, they’re abusive. If you’re scared of your parents they’re abusive. If they used violence to control you even once, they’re abusive. If they accuse you of being crazy or making things up when you confront them on hurting you they’re abusive. If they made you feel indebted for simply not letting you die on purpose, they’re abusive. If they forced you to focus on their lives and their perspective of you to the point where you can’t even acknowledge your own pain, injuries, and your own point of view, they’re abusive. If your parents make you feel like it would be better if you had never been born, or if you died, they’re abusive.

Enough excuses for parents who abused their kids but “meant the best”. They “meant the best” for themselves, not for the kids. It’s fucking easy to just rely on emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, shame, guilt and violence to get your way and to force your kid to stay in control and to sabotage and fuck up the child’s life so you would feel good about it, and then to just remind yourself “i meant the best” to feel no guilt about doing so whatsoever. Just repeating to yourself “it doesn’t hurt them” and “they deserved it”  while actively forcing your child to keep all the obvious trauma symptoms out of sight or ensuring the child believes it’s their own damn fault for feeling the way they do.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

Just. How. Is. One. Supposed. To. Heal. From. That. Healing can’t even begin until the blame is placed on the parent! This person literally benefited from their child’s suffering! They did not get affected negatively from it at all, they didn’t even care, they walked away satisfied and getting what they wanted while the child now has a lifetime of traumatic consequences and mental illness problems! Their freedom is taken away, their quality of life reduced, their relationships and friendships sabotaged, their confidence crushed! They’re placed at extra risk for addictions and obsessions because they keep falling into the black pit of trauma no matter how hard they try to distract and their life is heavy and painful no matter how well they do afterwards! Their brain can’t regulate stress properly anymore! Abuse causes literal brain damage and all this is just so the parents would get their way! And you all still insist they shouldn’t feel guilty about it or be faced with consequences of their abuse? They shouldn’t fucking admit to themselves and to their children what they’ve done? If the truth will kill them, let them die. Abused children’s right to heal comes way before the abusers feeling good about themselves.

Enough excuses for parents who abused their kids but “meant the best”. They “meant the best” for themselves, not for the kids. It’s fucking easy to just rely on emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, shame, guilt and violence to get your way and to force your kid to stay in control and to sabotage and fuck up the child’s life so you would feel good about it, and then to just remind yourself “i meant the best” to feel no guilt about doing so whatsoever. Just repeating to yourself “it doesn’t hurt them” and “they deserved it”  while actively forcing your child to keep all the obvious trauma symptoms out of sight or ensuring the child believes it’s their own damn fault for feeling the way they do.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

Just. How. Is. One. Supposed. To. Heal. From. That. Healing can’t even begin until the blame is placed on the parent! This person literally benefited from their child’s suffering! They did not get affected negatively from it at all, they didn’t even care, they walked away satisfied and getting what they wanted while the child now has a lifetime of traumatic consequences and mental illness problems! Their freedom is taken away, their quality of life reduced, their relationships and friendships sabotaged, their confidence crushed! They’re placed at extra risk for addictions and obsessions because they keep falling into the black pit of trauma no matter how hard they try to distract and their life is heavy and painful no matter how well they do afterwards! Their brain can’t regulate stress properly anymore! Abuse causes literal brain damage and all this is just so the parents would get their way! And you all still insist they shouldn’t feel guilty about it or be faced with consequences of their abuse? They shouldn’t fucking admit to themselves and to their children what they’ve done? If the truth will kill them, let them die. Abused children’s right to heal comes way before the abusers feeling good about themselves.

being shut down as a child and told that what you want doesn’t matter 

feeling like your words don’t hold any weight and that you have no influence on anything that happens to you

still feeling when you get hurt it’s your fault, because everyone agrees that it is

feeling like nobody will ever want to listen to anything you have to say

feeling like anything you say can’t possibly be important or of any value

feeling like anything you do has no worth or significance simply because it’s you who did it

feeling screaming inside from injustice but knowing you can’t do anything about it

feeling unbearably anxious and angry and helpless you end up harming yourself

feeling guilty for harming yourself

feeling helpless to change anything

feeling like you’re not important enough for your pain to matter

feeling like you probably wont live for long anyway

feeling like you’re disposable, and your life is disposable

feeling like there’s no meaning to life like this

feeling like there’s no way out

feeling like any expression of your pain is attention seeking, selfish, manipulative, abusive, wrong, and like you’ll get shut down and punished for it

because you always were shut down and punished for it

but it’s still nobody’s fault because “you’re not expressing how bad you are so nobody can help you”

feeling like nobody could help you even if they knew

feeling like your pain is a burden

feeling inner frustration so unbearable you want to explode

feeling scared of yourself and what you might do

feeling like you’re a monster even if you can’t figure out just what did you do to become one

all of these are signs of experiencing severe child abuse.

if you felt this, you were abused.

Source: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

does anyone else with cptsd or bpd get these moments where you’re just lying or sitting and suddenly you’re having this feeling that feels like the worst feeling ever, it’s not panic or depression or anxiety, it kinda feels like guilt and you feel so gross and you just wanna rip your skin off, anything, to get rid of this feeling? It just makes you feel like you’re gonna throw up?

and it doesnt even last long, its just that when you feel it its the worst, and you dont feel like you can take this feeling for one more second?

i have had this since i was like 8 but it has been worse lately and its just The Worst

there needs to be a name

for that horrible, sickening discomfort that comes with talking about trauma aloud

it’s shame, but that word is not enough

it is not strong enough.

“shame” is within the range of normal emotions. this is…something else. this runs deeper. this is something that lives in the same primitive brain structures as fear – fear, most powerful of emotions – but has the developed frontal-lobe sophistication of a more complex feeling.

it’s more shame than i can express. it’s a very physical feeling. something inside me recoils. i hate that i have to confront this horrific feeling to talk about my trauma in therapy.

normal people: take 20 min naps, wake up feeling refreshed me: 2 hour comatose naps, wake up dissociated and numb, can’t recall time, day, or year

imagine growing up in a non traumatic and non abusive environment i honestly can’t relate

I think, I think one of the worst things about realizing you’ve been abused is the actual realization. Slowly learning what’s normal and what isn’t. Having it smack you in the face that “oh god that wasn’t normal that’s not normal all” and it’s just this horrifying realization

And it gets worse. You remember more trauma. You remember more of the hell they put you through. You wonder how they still think they did nothing wrong?

You doubt. You refuse to doubt. You panic. You become this mess of “is this real” and “I know this is real” and “I don’t want this to be real”