Clear your mind here

explanation for my absence

My mom banned tumblr at home this monday after what happened at school.  Now I am mostly accessing it from friends’ homes and school when I’m allowed to.  I also am restricted from it on my phone. so here’s the story.

Like I said in a previous post, on Monday I wore booty short and a white T-shirt that read “Friendzone the Patriarchy” on it.  Yes my butt was hanging out, yes people could see a little bit of my tummy.  Yes it was sexy, but I have no desire to be sexy to cis men (especially white ones) so it was by no means intended to be “Distracting”.  I am also really beautiful and I just love myself so I feel sexy all the time.  But NO there was no reason to prioritize my outfit as a “distraction” when the actions of other have nothing to do with my body.  In a way I’m glad I did it because it was a meaningful protest that drew attention to a serious cause.  But I’m still getting shit for it.

Before second period even came around, one of the principal’s aides came into my classroom and reported that in first period some people had made complaints.  My second period teacher agreed (of course) and said what I was wearing was inappropriate.  I can’t help but think that if I didn’t have such a curvaceous waist, big boobs and thick booty that nobody would have said anything.  AFAB people who are conventionally feminine and attractive terrify the patriarchy more than anyone.  We can basically do anything if given free reign and they wanted to take my freedom away.  The only other time it got this bad was when they gave me detention when I wrote “genderfuck” on the standardized test sheet for gender (although, it’s important to note I no longer identify as genderfuck).

My mom was called into school (I wonder why not my DAD? They just kind of assumed my mom wasn’t working, which she isn’t, but that’s beside the point) to take me home.  On the way home my mom kept going, “I am serious, Madison, I am serious, no more of this.”  I told her that her internalized misogyny and slut shaming is toxic and actually abusive.  Then she told me I “don’t know what abuse is.”  Like I’m going to let a cis white woman gendersplain everything to me and experience-police me.  She is abusive, end of story.  

So the minute we got home she set up parental controls on the computers so now basically all i can do is homework and nothing meaningful.  So this is what happens when a nb genderkitten dares to express sexuality.  Her LITERAL FREEDOM OF SPEECH is removed.

NOW AS SOMEONE WHO- no. 

No loud flamboyant voices this time. I will tell it to you straight.

I abused. Everyday I was beaten, ridiculed and mentally tortured by a man I, in my infinite innocence, called “Papa” He was my stepfather, after my mother’s previous failed abusive marriage. 

I loved him like a father.

He treated me like an animal.

He hurt my family. You pull out big ol’ book of child abuse I can name a sibling and an occurrence. Physical, Psychological…. Sexual. He did all of it to us. We didn’t have many friends. Heck, we were lucky if we could hang out with others. He did that to me. To my family. 

Not because of gender identity or who I thought I was. Because he was a monster. While you complain about the patriarchy about oppression of yourself, I remember a time, not too long ago when I was dealing with actual abuse and oppression. Long nights without food. Concessions, and scars that never quite healed. So post some more about how your struggles in finding yourself. I do not mind that. 

But here’s what I do mind: I am a cis white male. I went through actual abuse and use this site as a lil’ outlet, a way to feel big after being made to feel so small and insignificant. And then you come along claiming, like my late stepfather, that people like me are no more than dirt. You don’t seem to understand the world around you and rather than seek answers you make excuses for yourself. You defend these excuses with faulty logic rather than logically realizing you are at fault. But here what set me off.

YOU DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR PARENTS. THEY CARE FOR YOU. THEY DO NOT BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD (LITERALLY) FOR THINGS YOU DID NOT DO. THEY DO NOT THREATEN TO KILL YOU OR PUNISH YOU FOR THEIR GODDAMN AMUSEMENT. MY MOTHER COULD NOT BE THERE TO STOP THAT FUCKING MONSTER- SHE WAS WORKING ALL HOURS OF THE DAY. YOU HAVE ONE WHO WORRIES ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING AND IT’S “OPPRESSION” HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO HURT AND FEARFUL YOU CAN’T GO TO THE BATHROOM BECAUSE “IF YOU  WAKE PAPA WE’RE ALL GOING TO GET IT”. TO BE TERRIFIED OF SPEAK FOR FEAR OF GETTING A KNUCKLE TO THE HEAD? YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE WORDS YOU USE. FOR MY FAMILY AND MANY OTHERS THOSE WORDS HOLD POWER. MEMORIES WE TRY TO BURY. WE TRY TO BURN. YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT ABUSE IS? GO THROUGH HALF OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. 

MAYBE THE IDEA WILL HIT YOU. LITERALLY. 

*Sigh* I just kinda lost my cool a bit.  

Please oh please do not confuse a caring mother with a monster. 

Don’t mix up abuse for inconvenience. Or Gender with Identity. Understand the world around you. Otherwise you no better than the ignorant bigots you claim to be against. That is if you really are a feminist or advocate for equality. 

Yaaas

Super Smash Bros. For Wii U and 3DS now Rated M for Mature. Please understand.

okay this is from spirited away and i think it is possibly the most beautiful thing.

Sunset and sunrise // Jefferson Park Wilderness, Oregon

Hello 🍒🍭

Yaaaaas

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I am currently partnering with Toby Allen (zestydoesthings) to bring his Real Monsters series to life as plushies.

The Real Monsters were created in 2013, and envisaged mental health conditions as monsters who literally followed you around. Cute yet also kind creepy, who wouldn’t want an Anxiety of their very own to hold, or a floompy Depression critter?

Work is underway on prototypes, and they will hopefully go on sale in the next few months - possibly as a Kickstarter. Until then - please share if you want to make these a reality, and follow to find out when they are ready to come home with you!

- Emily Monaghan / SMASHFOLD!

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