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Anastasia 🌼

@devilishbody

16/cw 110/ gw 100/gw2 95/ gw3 90/ 168cm/ 🌙

I’ve been inactive for a while and now I’ve decided this ain’t gonna be just a pro Ana account. Imma just use it as a coping account?

#ghostemane #ed #proana #ghostie #blackmage

Toxic love

I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough. It was never enough. You made me feel like I was nothing. Made me believe that I was difficult to love, and like a fool I kept trying. I kept trying until it became too much. I got in so deep that I forgot who i was. I knew it was toxic, I knew it wasn't right. But no matter how bad things got, I couldn't help but try. I told myself it would be different this time. I just couldn't give up. Constantly battling whether this is love or lust, because if it is love then why was this all messed up. I would treat myself like nothing yet to you, I gave so much. And then you go and break my heart, tell me that your sorry and that this is a fresh start. And like a fool I'd wait. Wait for the day you make another mistake. A part of me wants to speak up but I hesitate. It's like you're controlling me. You've affected my brain. How do I escape when you've become a part of my DNA. Even when you're gone, I'm still the one left with all the pain. He said he's sorry. He told me he didn't mean it and that he's going to change. And I choose to believe him when he says he won't hurt me again. I'm not expecting you to understand, go ahead, judge me. But if I lose him, I'll have nobody. Do you get that? Who wants to live a life withered and empty. I need him just as much as he needs me and in some sick twisted way he completes me. That's why it works, we just keep going until one of us inevitably gets hurt. So yeah I choose to stay. Go ahead and call me weak, I'm not expecting you to understand, just know that leaving someone is not that easy. He's gone into my mind and without him I'm paralyzed. Every weaken moment I cry . I've gotten used to it. It doesn't hurt so much anymore . I've become numb to it. I've become sore and in some sick twisted way, he's my only cure. What can I say , I'm incredibly flawed. Love isn't like what you see on tv. This is what it's like. This is my reality. It's not as magical as they portray it in a Disney movie. It's alot of pain and sacrifice. You just keep on picking until you bleed.

getting your protein (eating disorder style)

this post aims to educate on how much protein a person needs, why it’s important to have enough, what low-calorie foods to eat for protein, and a few simple recipes for each food.

the average person needs a minimum of .8 grams of protein per kg of weight (or .36 grams of protein per pound) so as not to have a protein deficiency.

  • a 45kg/100lb person needs at least 36 grams of protein per day
  • a 54.5kg/120lb person needs at least 43.2 grams of protein per day
  • a 63.5kg/140lb person needs at least 50.8 grams of protein per day
  • a 72.5kg/160lb person needs at least 58 grams of protein per day
  • a 81.5kg/180lb person needs at least 65.2 grams of protein per day
  • a 90.75kg/200lb person needs at least 72.6 grams of protein per day
  • a 113.3kg/250lb person needs at least 90.6 grams of protein per day
  • a 136kg/300lb person needs at least 108.8 grams of protein per day

signs of protein deficiency include:

  • Sluggish metabolism
  • Trouble losing weight
  • Low energy levels and fatigue
  • Poor concentration and trouble learning
  • Moodiness and mood swings
  • Muscle, bone and joint pain
  • Blood sugar changes that can lead to diabetes
  • Slow wound healing
  • Low immunity

and since the vast majority of people on here do not seem to be getting their protein (myself included), here are some high-protein, low-calorie foods (with a recipe to make it!)

VEGAN:

🥕 in 1 cup of unshelled soybeans, there is: 107 calories, 10 grams of protein, 8 grams of fiber, 13 milligrams of sodium, and 2 grams of fat      to cook: boil until the soybean pods start to float, drain, then add salt (107 calories)

🥕 in 6 ounces of firm tofu, there is: 140 calories, 16 grams of protein, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sodium, and 8 grams of fat      to cook: slice into small cubes and stir-fry with spray-oil, soy sauce, and vegetables (broccoli and carrots work good and are both super low-cal! the whole meal is 200 calories if you use 1 cup of each vegetable)

VEGETARIAN:

🧀 in 4 egg whites, there is: 68 calories, 14 grams of protein, 0 grams of fiber, 219 milligrams of sodium, and 0 grams of fat     to cook: preheat small pan with a little spray oil. separate the egg whites and yolks with your fingers, then discard the yolks (or use for someone else’s meal). cook the egg whites on medium heat until firm, scrambling occasionally. add salt and pepper to taste, and eat on 1 slice of bread (158 calories with a 90 calorie slice of whole wheat bread)

🧀 in 1 cup of skim milk, there is: 90 calories, 8 grams of protein, 0 grams of fiber, 130 milligrams of sodium, and 0 grams of fat     to cook: eat with 1 cup of plain cheerios and 1 packet of sugar substitute for a 190 calorie breakfast!

🧀 in 5.3 ounces of low-fat greek yogurt, there is: 150 calories, 12 grams of protein, 0 grams of fiber, 60 milligrams of sodium, and 4.5 grams of fat     to cook: put plain yogurt in a bowl with ½ cup of any berry and one packet of sugar substitute. stir and enjoy (200 calories or less)

CARNIVORE:

🍖 in 4 ounces of baked chicken breast (boneless and skinless), there is: 110 calories, 23 grams of protein, 0 grams of fiber, 180 milligrams of sodium, and 3 grams of fat      to cook: preheat oven to 190C/375F. spray baking pan with spray oil. rub chicken with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. put the chicken in the pan and cover with a piece of tin foil. bake for 40 minutes (110 calories)

🍖 in 3 ounces of yellowfin tuna canned in water, there is: 99 calories, 22 grams of protein, 0 grams of fiber, 288 milligrams of sodium, and 1 gram of fat      to cook: drain can, then add low-fat greek yogurt, lemon juice, low-fat mayo, apples, pickle juice, or cucumber (there’s a million different things you can add, so experiment! 150 calories or less)

so there we go! make sure you’re eating enough goddamn protein, for faster weight loss, and a healthier body!

50 Calorie Snacks

Savory:

- 1 slice of rye bread with 2 tablespoons of tomato salsa

- 35 g (¼ c) light soft cheese with celery

- 15 g (1/8 c) air popped popcorn

- 1 oatcake

- 1 light cheese triangle, light babybel, or ¼ light mozzeralla ball

- 1 miso soup sachet

- 250 ml. low sodium tomato juice

- 10 olives, in brine not oil

- 1 dill pickle

- 15 cherry tomatos

Sweet:

- 1 small apple

- 80 g (¾) of blueberries

- 1 medium orange

- 1 kiwi

- 200 g (2 c) melon cubes

- 150 g (1 ½ c) strawberries

- 10 cherries

- 17 grapes

- ½ grapefruit

losing your appetite is fucking euphoric.

Afraid of you

I am afraid. This is the first time that i’ve admitted it because i was always told how brave i am, but i am NOT. I lost it , i’m being honest because i was not before, but i am afraid to live but i’m also afraid to die. i don’t want to be here but i have nowhere else to go. The reason i developed an ed is because it loved me when nobody else did, it was my family when i didn’t have any who cared about me enough to make em see that there are reasons to live, i know that the main person who effected my life is probably reading this, i hope you know that i still cry because of you, you fuck. You broke my ego. I tore stars from my veins for you, you forced me to do things i didn’t want to do. Your lips still taste like vomit to me . You made me prepare myself for you to leave and walk out of my life, i still have nightmares about you, almost a whole year after you took the light out my life away i still think of you and i disgust myself because sometimes i miss you,  actually i miss myself, not you . I really hate you for what you did to me . You still disgust me, you sick fuck. I prepared myself to be broken and hurt but here i am, crumpled on the bathroom floor, sick to the stomach. I still wonder what i could do to make  you stay and that is why i shred my arms. Because of YOU.  I lost the will to fight because of YOU.

Reblog if..

● your parents called you fat

● your brother/sister called you fat

● your friends called you fat

● you called yourself fat

● a stranger called you fat

Me At 136…

130…

126…

105…

102…

Im gonna look at this fucking thinspirational perfect thinspo every morning every fucking night to remind me that going from 126 to 105 (which is kinda my goal) worths and looks amazing and probably is gonna save my life too!!

reblogging for me

Tell me that I'm strong and I shouldn't eat.

things i need u to please know right now:

  • bad days don’t last forever
  • napping is never a crime
  • all the cells in ur body are working so hard to keep u healthy and happy and they love u very much
  • also dogs, they love u very much
  • instant hot chocolate takes 2 minutes to make and requires no culinary expertise please indulge urself
  • u are a part of this world 
  • and a very important part
  • don’t doubt that for a single second

The only time that you would call

Was just to tell me it's my fault

I let you cry, I let you worry.

I let you yell, I let you hurt me. I gave you everything you needed And now you're gone.

Life of an ANA girl

•cold hands 24/7

•wearing vest tops under anything to try and stay warm

•jeans gaping at the back

•dresses being too loose and having to alter them

•discoloured nails, and painting them to hide it

• use a shit ton of conditioner to try and keep your hair ‘healthy’

•fasting for ages, then bingeing on stupid shit

• trying way to hard in gym class, just trying to burn more calories

•hating it when your friends go out to eat

•sleepovers are hell, everyone’s eating constantly

•baking and cooking nonstop, but none of the food makes it into your mouth

•making up allergies so you can avoid more foods

•constantly chewing gum

•why are diet sodas so expensive?

•having to refill your water bottle constantly

•not knowing if it’s stomach cramps from hunger or if your period has come back..

•never losing that little pudge of tummy

•hair bands being loose around your wrists

•braclets just slide off

•necklaces accent the collarbones

•all you can see in any selfie is your collarbones

•only being able to think ‘she’s fat’ ‘she’s tiny’ around other girls

•constantly comparing yourself

•trying to find an outfit that doesn’t make you look to fat

•wearing baggy jumpers to hide the bones

•working out constantly

•non stop bruises

•fluffy socks are life because of chilly feet

•struggling to sleep because you are so cold

•chugging water and feeling the coldness in your stomach

•not having the energy to lift your arms to shampoo your hair

•having to shave so much because of all the extra hair

•butt and boobs are first to go

ANA LIFE IS GREAT🙄

Eating Disorder Songs PT.1

Updated Version!

(I’m aware some of these aren’t about Ed’s, but everyone is supposed to take their own interpretation from lyrics, that’s what makes songs so special)

•My Silent Undoing - Queen Adreena
“my wasp in a jar
protruding hips
and skull, and spine
ribcage cuts a clear outline”
•Please Eat - Nicole Dollanganger
“'Cause I know you can only starve so much
‘Til you like how it feels”
•Angels Of Porn - Nicole Dollanganger
“My bedroom smells like rotten food
And I guess so do I
It’s harder to be good in here
Than it is to starve and die”
•Blood Brothers - Nicole Dollanganger
“He watched all of my hair fall out
He lifted me and kissed my scalp
He said, “I know you’re trying to kill yourself"”
•Dread - nothing,nowhere.
“I look into the mirror,
all I’m seeing is a skeleton,
I keep losing weight
so they got me taking medicine”
•Relax, Relapse - Get Scared
“No remorse and no recovery
I’m alive by the skin of my teeth
Another cycle of revery”
•Cynical Skin - Get Scared
“Look right in front of me
We got Exhibit “C”
Anorexic, obsessed with magazines”
•a protest in lines too thin to read - Evaline
“You’re staggering in, you find a finger gagging yourself
You heave and say “I’m not like those pigs. I don’t care what’s good for my health"”
•Ignorance Is Bliss - Beartooth
“Medicated but still not thinking freely
I haven’t eaten in a week and it’s killing me”
•Starving for Attention - The Narrative
“Lonely now with this disease
Your desperation aims to please
While starving for attention on your knees”
•Teen Idle - Marina and the Diamonds
“I want blood, guts and angel cake
I’m gonna puke it anyway”
•Girls - Marina and the Diamonds

(This song kinda feels like a fuck you to girls with ED’s so maybe not the best song to listen to if you’re struggling)

“Cause I fall asleep when they speak
Of all the calories they eat”
Obsessions - Marina and the Diamonds

(This song is more about OCD but because of how obsessive you can get with ED’s it works)

“Next minute, I am turning out of the door
Facing one week without food”
•Hospital For Souls - BMTH
“How are we on a scale of one to ten?
Could you tell me what you see?
Do you wanna talk about it?
How does that make you feel?
Have you ever took a blade to your wrists?
Have you been skipping meals?
We’re gonna try something new today
How does that make you feel?”
•Sippy Cup - Melanie Martinez
“You got weights in your pockets when you go to the doctors
Your favorite candy’s cotton, that’s why all your teeth are rotten”
•Skin and Bones - Marianas Trench
“I lock the door
Turn all the water on
And bury that sound
So no one hears anything anymore”
•Creep - Radiohead
“I don’t care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul”
•Untitled - Lil Bo Weep
“And my body´s starving; I can’t stop myself”
Empty - Jaiden, Boyinaband
“Every calorie a failure
Gotta push the intake down every day”

PT.2

Thank you for all the notes! I know how important music is for me so I’m glad I can share this with people. And thank you for leaving other songs in the comments!! 💖

Ok, these songs don’t talk about eating, but they hold a place in my heart, and really represent me and my ED. They also remind me of when I was thinner, and when my ED was in its “best” moments, I’m sure a lot of you understand that.

•Breathe Me - Sia

“Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, enfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me”

•Think I’m Sick - Icon For Hire

“I’m sick, I think I’m sick
Sometimes I think I get like this
I bite my tongue, I clench my fists
Resist at first and then reverse”

•Get Well - Icon For Hire

“I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content?
Stay where you are but it hurts like help
And I’m sure it was fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals”

•Control - Halsey

“I’m bigger than my body
I’m colder than this home
I’m meaner than my demons
I’m bigger than these bones”

•Soap - Melanie Martinez

“I feel it coming out my throat
Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap”

•Avalanche - Bring Me The Horizon

“It’s like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
Cause the weight of it’s like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice”

Guess I should add this

I personally don’t like this song but y’all might

•Ugly - Nicole Dollanganger

“You said that they say you’re disgusting
That they told you you were fat and unworthy
Well, my love, I hope you trust me
When I say you have a perfect body”

You know what the hardest part of weight loss is to me?

If you want to lose weight, you can’t listen to your body.

When it comes to thirst, or safety, or big life decisions, listening to your body usually points you in the right direction.

But weight loss is different. That’s because we evolved to seek out food and weight gain. Thousands of years ago, that worked! We needed to be hungry and want to eat and get bigger, because we didn’t know when our next meal would be. But that doesn’t work in modern life.

Now food is everywhere and weight gain is easy. So to become thin we have to ignore our most basic urges. And that only multiplies once we’ve been overweight, because our metabolism and neurological makeup adjusts to that new lifestyle.

So here I am, trying to listen to my body and drink when I’m thirsty, or avoid a person when I have a bad gut feeling about them, or pick a new job when I hate my current one in the depths of my heart. But when I’m hungry, I have to make a conscious decision to ignore that feeling. Every day I’m living a life of contradictions.

It makes me feel powerful in that I know I’m conquering evolution every time I see the number on the scale drop. But it’s also exhausting. Absolutely, incredibly, unbelievably, exhausting.

Thing I wish I knew

° It’s a known fact you’ll always be cold. But not how cold. I can take a hot shower and lie under two blankets and still be cold to the bone.

° You’ll get weak. I’ve always been weak in my arms but right now I can’t even carry a chair without my muscles aching.

° My back hurts. All the time. My knees do too, I feel like I’ve aged 4 years in the span of 1.

° Don’t listen to sweetspo. You won’t look in the mirror at your goal weight and be skinny. You just won’t see it. I’ve lost 5kg and don’t see a difference.

° You won’t be proud when someone worries about your food. You will be defensive and angry and grumpy. You don’t want them to know.

° You’ll feel guilty. About eating too much and doing too little. But most of all keeping a huge secret from anyone who cares about you.

° You can’t concentrate on anything else than food.

° Are you depressed and anxious??? Great! It’ll increase.

° It won’t ever be enough.

° I can’t stop. I can’t.

° You’ll freak out about fun things. About normal things. Christmas, eating dinner with friends, going out.

° Please get help if you can. Please get out while you can. This is not a friend of yours.

thinspo : movies

  • the model (2016)
  • the neon demon (2016)
  • always shine (2016)
  • nymphomaniac (2013)
  • honeymoon (2014)
  • berlin syndrome (2017)
  • spring breakers (2012)
  • frank and lola (2016)
  • the dreamers (2003)

tv shows :

  • thirteen (2016)
  • safe (2018)
  • game of thrones (2011-)
  • flesh and bone (2015)
  • america’s next top model (2003-)
  • my 600lb life (2012-)
  • don’t tell the bride (2007-)
  • american horror story (2011-)

youtubers :

  • summer mckeen
  • ellie thumann
  • alice kristiansen
  • suede brooks
  • glossier
  • lucy moon
  • jusuf

books :

  • the sisters (2015) (psychological suspense)
  • heart shaped bruise (2012) (psychological thriller)
  • gone girl (2012) (thriller)
  • hush hush (2009) (YA)
  • lolita (1955) (drama)
  • the bloody chamber (1979) (gothic classic)

youtube videos :

  • counting calories with a ballerina (vice)
  • ata lunch (anmiangel)
  • likeness (with elle fanning)
  • family therapy session (from to the bone)
  • living with depression (kat napiorkowska)