imagine going to your job and one of your coworkers is the drinking out of this motherfucker:
what a power move. like, if nobody else says anything you can’t call them out because then you have to reveal your own degeneracy. you just have to sit there knowing that that smug bastard got away with it.
“Neat logo! Is that a gaming company like Razer?“
One thing that's always fun to write is the "well, yes, but actually no" kind of cultural misunderstandings. The things about a people that aren't exactly incorrect, but the grain of truth in them is worded so weirdly that the statement itself is completely wrong.
For the Unfinished Book, I had a random idea of a nomadic people who keep dogs, and choose their leader by an informal public vote - while there's ceremonies involved in aknowledging the new leader, and often the new chief is the offspring of a previous one, the real leader of a clan is simply the one that most people agree should be the one to lead. They also famously rever their dogs so much that people like to say that even the dogs get to vote on who the new chief should be - or even that they let the dogs choose the leader, and the people themselves have no say in the matter at all.
If one of the nomads themselves is asked about it, they'll respond with a deeply confused, mildly offended look and contradicting answers. Some say that of course the dogs don't influence choices like that, and some will say that of course the dogs' opinions are taken into consideration. Outsiders get the idea that whatever the truth is, half of the nomads are blatantly lying to cover it up, for some reason or another. But technically speaking, neither of the contradicting stands is wrong.
The matter is, the dogs aren't making the choices of who should lead the clan. They do, however, observe whom the people themselves regard as a leader. As social pack animals bred and raised alongside humans, they can tell by body language whom people actually respect and yield to, and what the dogs do and whom they obey is a visible indicator of the clan's unspoken common opinion.
If a clan chief dies, his son can try to fashion himself into the next chief and command people around, but people observe that the dogs look to his mother for her permission to obey him when he orders them to move, everyone in the clan knows who's really calling the shots. The people won't follow a leader whom the dogs don't obey, because the dogs don't respect a leader whom the people don't respect.
thinkin about ghosts and haunting and how vampires always leave a small part of themselves in the era in which they died. there is always a part of them that is still alive back then. Nadja's ghost didn't have the same experiences she did, because Nadja's ghost was still living in old Antipaxos. Nandor's ghost never learned English, because Nandor's ghost was still living in old Al Qolnidar.
(we... won't talk about Laszlo's ghost. lmao)
and Guillermo always knew it, kind of, that they would constantly speak of the old days and would sometimes get that faraway look in their eyes as they relived memories they couldn't quite remember. that they have ghosts that they don't recognize anymore, not quite.
he knew that they could never fully acclimatize to the modern world in which they lived.
but I don't think he fully got it until he saw himself starting to disappear in that mirror. until he walked away from his mother and realized that she would never understand him again. until he realized that he, too, no longer fully belongs in the time in which he died or the time in which he lives.
and every day those times will get further apart.
I wonder how long it will be before Guillermo can no longer recognize his own ghost.
your mental illness is mean and it’s a liar. You are never as horrible as you think. People love you. You are worthy
The power is still out so I guess I’ll get started on that meta now.
One thing that I think is really fascinating about this season as a whole is that it’s really, really emphasizing the power Nandor and Guillermo have to accidentally hurt each other. It’s kind of fascinating, tbh, because this whole show it’s been Nandor purposefully but also accidentally hurting Guillermo — but this season, it’s been very much the other way around.
Let me start with Nandor’s history of this. It happens in almost every episode, being honest with you, but two of the clearest instances were in 1.01 and 4.09.
In the very first episode, we’re introduced to the relationship that Nandor and Guillermo have by how they behave on their 10th anniversary as a master-familiar partnership. Guillermo is practically giddy at the idea that his beloved master is finally going to make him a vampire, and he’s hurt deeply when he not only does not do so, he appears to have forgotten altogether how long Guillermo has been there.
We feel bad for Guillermo here, but… well, let’s look at it from Nandor’s perspective. Yes, he forgot how long Guillermo’s been there, but… being real with you, the vampires seem to have a very shaky grasp on time at the best of times. They don’t understand human lifespans at all, they have very fuzzy memories for when things happen, and almost every time they make time estimates they’re off by a hilarious amount. I don’t know that we can fully blame Nandor for not realizing that an entire decade has gone by — he, like the other vampires, tends to live simultaneously in the Long Time Ago and the Right Now and any time in between those periods is ?????
So to him, he’s remembered when their anniversary is (already a success) and has put hours into making a handmade art project for his very endearing familiar. He is sure that Guillermo is gonna love this. He thinks he is absolutely acing this being-a-vampiric-master thing.
But we know that his gift depicting the two of them as vampires together is really just rubbing salt in the wound, because we’re approaching this thing as humans — like Guillermo.
Then again in 4.09, Nandor straight-up steals Guillermo’s boyfriend and inadvertently puts the events in motion that will lead to Guillermo’s boyfriend leaving him for his own clone. Terrible behavior! This hurts Guillermo deeply! His very first boyfriend cheating on him (sort of) with the man he’s been in love with for over a decade and then leaving him altogether for another man he is cheating with (definitely) who also happens to be his own clone.
That’s traumatizing!
But… again, let’s look at it from Nandor’s (very stupid) POV. He knows that Guillermo losing his boyfriend will hurt him, but he also wants to have said boyfriend. So he comes up with a solution that, to his mind, will make everyone happy: let Guillermo keep his boyfriend but also make a clone of him so he can have him, too.
I think it’s very important to note here that, catty as it was to say, Nandor was right. He definitely could have stolen Guillermo’s Freddie without too much work. The guy’s a philanderer. But instead of doing that, he used up one of his last three wishes to make his own Freddie specifically to avoid hurting Guillermo. And then he seemed genuinely confused when Guillermo was hurt anyway. He then tried to do whatever he could to make Guillermo stop hurting, including offering him his own Freddie, until he ultimately gave up a toy that he truly loved so Guillermo would hurt less.
Again, from Nandor's POV he has made a significant sacrifice for Guillermo’s well-being. He has given up a man that he really, really liked so Guillermo would stop being so heartbroken. Moreover, this is a man that, to his mind, he got the hard way instead of the easy way that would have hurt Guillermo more.
So he still thinks he’s doing great at this relationship, even if we know he is ultimately breaking Guillermo’s heart.
(And as an aside here, I think it’s fascinating that Guillermo really did seem to understand exactly what was going on, too. He knew that Nandor’s decision to clone Freddie wasn’t about Nandor wanting Freddie, it was about Nandor wanting all of Guillermo’s attention on him at all times, and that’s why he was angry.)
Anyway… that’s all a really long way to get to my point, which is this. We’ve seen Nandor play this out a hundred times, doing something he thought was fine only for it to devastate Guillermo. We understand human lifetimes, relationships, and emotions, so we understand why Guillermo is upset. But, and this is key, Nandor doesn’t.
So season five finally shows this happening in reverse. I’m not going to say that Guillermo hasn’t hurt Nandor before, purposefully or otherwise, because he has. But boy did he really fuck things up this time.
Like Nandor, Guillermo didn’t do any of it on purpose. He was never trying to hurt Nandor or upset social norms when he paid Derek to bite him. But vampiric priorities are as foreign to Guillermo as human priorities are to Nandor. He did something he thought was totally fine and value-free only to find that he didn’t just transgress a social norm, he transgressed the big one. He didn’t just do something that would hurt Nandor, he did something that will destroy him.
He didn’t mean to. His misunderstanding was understandable to us, fellow humans. But that doesn’t make it okay. Just like it wasn’t okay when Nandor stole his fucking boyfriend.
It's almost like this was tailor-made to force the audience to think about how the vampires have been interacting with Guillermo for years. This time Guillermo didn't know something about their culture, and obviously we didn't either. So we felt that same dawning horror when we understood how big the accidental fuck-up was — and we had to come to terms with the fact that this is how Nandor feels about Guillermo all the time.
Anyway... Guillermo’s big angst trigger seems to be being undervalued by the people he loves. It’s when someone who he loves with everything he has does not love him back. We see that devastation hit him both of the times that Nandor accidentally hurt him in this post, along with a thousand other times. I think, in fact, it is his main drive as a character: doing everything he can to be valued. It’s why he wants to be a vampire. It’s why he serves the vampires. It’s why he lies to his family. It’s depressing and it’s codependent and it’s unhealthy, but that’s Guillermo.
Nandor’s big angst trigger, on the other hand, seems to be abandonment. He is so fucking terrified of the people that he loves leaving him, and that seems to be rooted pretty firmly in his experiences when he was still alive. (Jehan, his wives running away, etc.) He’s so scared of Gail leaving him that he just tries harder to win her back when he discovers she’s cheating on him. He’s so scared of Laszlo leaving him that he gets angry when Laszlo makes new friends. He’s so scared of Guillermo leaving him in 2.08 that he’s willing to humiliate himself to bring him home. His primary drive really seems to be hoarding the people he loves close — too close for comfort sometimes. He tries so hard to force a connection that he ironically tends to sever it. Just look at his poor descendent Madeleine. :’)
And just as Nandor constantly sets off Guillermo’s devaluation trigger, Guillermo constantly sets off Nandor’s abandonment trigger. Every time he leaves or even just threatens to do so, Nandor goes ballistic. But it seems like the only thing that sets him off more than Guillermo leaving is Guillermo staying where he is but being emotionally absent. He doesn’t know how to handle a Guillermo who has replaced him while they’re still living in the same home. Right now he thinks that Guillermo has replaced him with Laszlo as a hang-out buddy, and that’s bad enough — how will he respond when he finds out that Guillermo has replaced him with Derek in a much more intimate way?
Guillermo’s doing everything he can to spare Nandor’s feelings in this season, but it seems like every decision he makes just upsets Nandor more. Nandor feels replaced, abandoned, and neglected, and he’s going to feel that way a hell of a lot more when he sees the truth.
Guillermo has always been shown to be capable of hurting Nandor in intimate ways that no one else can. From the very first episode, we’re made abundantly aware that Guillermo chooses to take Nandor’s shit. He twitches that curtain to the side and we realize that no matter how strong Nandor is, Guillermo has the ultimate power in this relationship. Guillermo can hurt Nandor like no one else can because Nandor trusts him to protect him while he’s asleep.
Then Guillermo becomes this legendary slayer and he can actually physically hurt Nandor like no one else can just because he’s stronger than even the most powerful and respected vampires in the Tri-State Area.
But we’re seeing now that Guillermo can also hurt Nandor emotionally like no one else can. Nandor gave him that power, too, didn’t he? This whole series, Nandor has been the one hurting Guillermo over and over, but this season is making it so fucking clear that Guillermo has the power to do it right back. Even if he doesn’t mean to.
Especially if he doesn’t mean to, maybe.
The two of them are so terrible at communicating with one another. Just. So fucking terrible. And that’s a lot of how Nandor accidentally hurt Guillermo over and over throughout the years. And it’s how Guillermo has just straight-up gutted him now.
So, I'm going to either make this joke more or less funny by explaining it, Colin Robinson-style:
Nandor isn't being an idiot by misspelling 'knowledge', he's spelling it phonetically.
Why? Well, it's probably not just that English is a horrendous abomination sent by god to punish us and an even worse trail for English learners either, but Persain is a (mostly) phonetic language!
This means each letter has a corresponding sound and words are phonetic in spelling (again, for the most part), unlike 'knowledge' in English where there are like...at least three?? unnecessary extra letters.
So, what's the phonetic spelling of 'knowledge' look like?
nolij
I know why ineffable bureaucracy happened first. I had a realization and it finally makes sense to me.
The reason why the “arch angel fucking Gabriel” was able to put aside his hang ups in the fraction of the time it’s STILL taking Aziraphale is precisely BECAUSE he’s the “arch angel fucking Gabriel”. It’s not about who is more willing to embrace the trappings of humanity and all the beautiful shades of grey it holds enough to put differences aside, it’s about privilege.
Gabriel has never had to fear what aziraphale has even in supposedly the “same” circumstances. He can meet with Beelzebub face to face, converse and even flirt with them as freely as he pleases. There is no demeanor of caution in their sequence what so ever. And why would there be? They’re both in the highest position of power actually on the ground floor making decisions. They’re the ones who dole out the punishment, keep those under them in line, and generally have final say on what goes on in their day to day world. I mean who would even be surveilling them?
The seeds of this imbalance were planted in episode 3. Elspheth lacks power by being impoverished, so she quite literally doesn’t have the means to be the best version of herself. Instead of burying her friend and mourning the life lost, in a genuinely unsettling moment, she must jarringly transform the thought of her into just a fresh body. By being with Beelzebub, being kind to them and opening his heart so willingly, Gabriel is able to fully realize his potential, and accomplish the highest virtue there is.
… But love has never been something Aziraphale and Crowley could afford. The price of loving each other isn’t a slap on the wrist and a permanent vacation, it’s fearing for the other’s life everyday. They’re armed to the teeth in fire extinguishers, and Aziraphale would sooner declare war on hell than use holy water in a place Crowley spends a significant amount of time. The memories of how they’ve almost lost each other are ugly, cruel, and terrifying.
They’re both scared and fed up. They want the exact same thing, they just have completely different ideas of how to achieve it. That’s why aziraphale is so excited to “restore” crowley and be in charge of Heaven with him, and so distraught when Crowley hates the idea and refuses. He’s essentially an allegorical cult survivor. His insistence on rejoining Heaven is not a rejection of Crowley’s confession, it’s a reciprocation. Aziraphale is trying to provide, what is in his eyes, the ONLY thing that can possibly allow them the freedom of love, safety, and self autonomy: power.
It’s as if to say “no actually, we can’t just do that.” Aziraphale truly believes the only way him and Crowley can be safe and together in the current circumstances is if they play by their oppressor’s rules, and to be honest I’m not entirely convinced at all that he’s wrong. I don’t think for a second Metatron intended the offer to be a genuine choice and would’ve left them alone if the answer was no, and even though he is excited by the offer, Aziraphale probably knows this too.
some rink smooches, crowley’s biellmann spin, and aziraphale sporting yuzuru’s notte stellata costume
I cannot put into words how much I Fucking Loathe the fact that when you search something on youtube now it will randomly intersperse blocks of "people also watched" and "for you" into the results. That's not what I searched for, youtube. I typed in a search query because I wanted to see search results, not random unrelated garbage you have placed in my way apparently to either inconvenience me or force me to scroll further for actual results. I despise your wretched little games and every time I see it I can only instantly close the tab as I am overcome with the urge to burn something down.
"I despise your wretched little games" perfectly conveys how I feel about the entire algorithm/attention economy
God the entire idea of an "attention economy" is so fucking dystopian, but that's exactly what it is and it pains me
Aziraphale is the most character ever. He ran out of ideas so he declared war on hell. He canonically says fuck. His favourite colour is yellow. He’s literally an angel and can speak every language on earth but still isn’t fluent in french. He told his boyfriend to shoot him for his magic act and made him go through with it when their miracles weren’t working. He gave away his flaming sword and then lied about it for the next 6000 years. He has a bookshop that never sells books. No one’s doing it like him.
Oh, gee, kid, I'm sorry to interrupt your process of becoming but you're the one who decided to put your dick into the heir to the British throne.
I love the gif because there’s an incredible number of mistakes crammed into just a couple of seconds.
1. how the hole starts in the wall but it keeps moving forward
2. then magically heals itself
3. the triceratops walks right through the wall
4. the table blinking before the dinosaurs appear
5. both tables disappear
6. so suddenly appear again as they are toppling over
7. two people clipping into running without any transition
8. the table outline hides a man’s legs but there is no table
9. the triceratops horns aren’t white in the second clip
10. tables changing both color and material in the second clip
11. a carnivorous dinosaur’s first instinct is to go and eat a whole plate with salad
I miss traditional 2D animation… 3D CGI doesn’t get you masterworks like this
Or, Wolfwood is a terrible liar and that's actually way more compelling than if he was good at it.
Wolfwood is quickly becoming one of my favourites in this series. I love a character with a good internal conflict who challenges the protagonist, and he's such a delightfully odd little critter of a man which makes him doubly enjoyable to me. He also causes me emotional damage, which kind of sealed the deal.
So, let's review what we know about his situation so far: He is, allegedly, a traveling priest, but his other job, the one he makes most of his money with, is some kind of dirty business (given the company of the Gung Ho Guns, it is likely as an assassin or a hired gun). Legato hired (?) him along with the rest of the GHG, and we know the fate of anyone who fails or tries to run. He knows this too - he can't leave. He's trapped. There was a two-year time-skip between Fifth Moon and his return in which he was searching for Vash, allegedly about the mass disappearances. We don't know fully what his current situation is, but given the GHG's continued orders, the recognition by Rai-Dei, and the way he knows way too much about Knives, it seems likely he is still stuck working for him - from here, it's still unclear what exactly his orders are, but it seems likely he is set up to betray or antagonize Vash later on.
This seems like it should be the set up for a character who has to lie constantly. Setting up smiles and earning the trust of their target. Their conflict about their mission vs their budding attachment being a deeply internalized struggle that slowly bubbles up to the surface as time goes on.
Wolfwood (kind of?) tries to do this, to be fair. But. He is so bad at it.
(Fair warning: this got LONG. I am sorry in advance.)
"what happened to same sex platonic relationships?" they never existed. they're all gay actually, every one of them. cry.
Crowley and Aziraphale haven't even officially dated yet but they already had 4 celestial break-ups and 1 cosmic divorce.
oh uh. scuse me. just a lil snail crossing your dash
I love how certain I am that I’m not the only person who stopped scrolling to let the snail finish crossing the dash.
In fact, I would bet small sums of money that the majority of Tumblr folk do.
Rb for the lil hops it does at the end before it finishes crossing 🥺💓
