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I’m Just New Here And Like Math

@derivativederivator

Not a bot

to experience a place fully you have to put some of it in your mouth

I tried to explain this but I still got kicked out of the museum.

The guards at the art museum are very dedicated.

but can they fit in your mouth? one way to find out

Museums pretty much always have food of some kind. Why were you trying to eat fossils (again!)

I wasn’t trying to EAT the fossils. I had an opportunity to lick a tyrannosaur bone and I took it, since the only consequence was the paleontologist watching over it giving me a look of disappointment.

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new year’s resolutions for my cat

eat right: more food from food dish, less lint from floor

get more exercise: jump for enriching dangle toy, not hide under bed till scary feathers go away

treat others with kindness: if awake before 7 am, no run at bed for flying leap to head of human even once, let alone over and over until human get up

stay positive: food coming soon. no need for scream

develop independent life skills: try eat food maybe once or twice without insist human sit on floor nearby for moral support. just try!

practice self-care: get on lap when human have full cup of coffee and about to watch the crown, not five minute before human leave for work

learn meteorology: if too cold for human to open window sixty second ago, it still too cold now. also cold outside bedroom window, bathroom window, living room window. all windows the same

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i was looking for special cat feeders because ours are gluttons who gorge themselves and i found this one...device:

this sounded fun so i checked the comments and...

im??

come to the dark side we have dry food scattered in strategically designed green colored plastic tubes

some people think writers are so eloquent and good with words, but the reality is that we can sit there with our fingers on the keyboard going, “what’s the word for non-sunlight lighting? Like, fake lighting?” and for ten minutes, all our brain will supply is “unofficial”, and we know that’s not the right word, but it’s the only word we can come up with…until finally it’s like our face got smashed into a brick wall and we remember the word we want is “artificial”.

I couldn't remember the word "doorknob" ten minutes ago.

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ok but the onelook thesaurus will save your life, i literally could not live without this website

REBLOG TO SAVE A WRITER'S LIFE

Absolutely losing it at this Reddit post

And the update

She buttered Jorts

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The outrage summed in a perfect Tweet:

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FINALLY

I’ve been collecting the best Jorts tweets and waiting until the moment he showed up on my dash to post them. So here you are, the curated best of the past, oh, day or so:

Some additional quality memes from the past 24 hours:

Meanwhile, OP has continued tracking trash can mishaps on twitter:

And a quality photo of this sweet potato:

An update for those not following Jorts’ twitter account, starting with a transcription of the Wellerman cover:

Link to the lovely video

There once was a ship that put to sea The name of the ship was the Jorts and Jean The ship she rolled and her closet doors closed Oh no, where’s Jorts? Oh no!
Soon may the smarter cat come To save poor Jorts so orange and dumb One day when the butterin’s done We’ll take our leave and go
When Pam came on, she had a plan To teach our Jorts about garbage cans Pam meant well but her plans fell flat When HR said, “don’t butter the cat”
Soon may the smarter cat come To save poor Jorts so orange and dumb One day when the butterin’s done We’ll take our leave and go
Now Jean the smart cat comes She saves poor Jorts so orange and dumb Now that the butterin’s done We’ll take our leave and go
We’ll take our leave and go
We’ll take our leave and go

Additional quality memes:

A recipe for Buttered Jorts:

Recent Jorts activities:

And some very wise words from the cat himself:

This is the largest Jorts post I found before I decided to stop, and combines a lot of memes in one convenient package.

Along with cats, of course. Smartly done!

The person running the Jorts Twitter is using it to promote unions, which is awesome.

FNALLY! All the premium Jorts content in one place!

#dumbkats

The fact that ‘horny jail’ started as a lil joke for when ur friends are horny posting and now there is a whole group of people on the internet that think actually there should be a real horny jail w guards that beat you and everything

It’s horny jail so I think they all have to look like ted Cruz

…..before or after the beard