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Harsh and sweet and bitter to leave it all

@depresso-with-a-latte-on-my-mind

Human disaster since 1997
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can someone please explain how it’s possible that every single month this year ended as quickly as it started and yet this whole year has felt like an eternity

The dot over the “i” is Tuesdays and July and sometimes never and 2020.

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If you genuinely enjoy being alone, do you ever wonder if it is an inherent part of your character or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place until you taught yourself to enjoy the peace and happiness one can find in solitude? what if the reason you now prefer & choose solitude at every turn is because you were a very lonely child, or teenager, not by your own choice, and that’s how you learnt to thrive and grow, so you no longer know if you can do that around people? There might also be an element of personal pride, an unconscious “you can’t fire me I quit” point when your brain decided to switch your feelings about solitude from distress to relief. I often find myself defending my love of being alone, to people who worry that I can’t possibly be happy to live in an isolated house in the woods; I insist that I do! I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor and chose to live here because of it, but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off unchosen loneliness, to learn from it and be nourished by it; to what extent it might be a form of contentment built on a bedrock of resignation.

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Concept: me, spending time with my closest friends. We’re all in the kitchen while I’m cooking dinner, my apartment is cozy and it smells delicious. It’s raining outside and we’re all laughing, with no stress. 

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citrusbi

gifted kid burnout things that no one seems to talk about:

  • the raw panic of hearing about your potential, positive or negative
  • a weird brand of imposter syndrome where you genuinely think you’ve fluked your way through every success and you’re gonna be Exposed as a Fraud
  • never having learned how to study and having no idea where to start now that you need to
  • reading college level books as a kid but being basically illiterate now
  • dismissing your struggles as irrelevant because other people have it harder and i should be smart enough to handle this
  • feeling like you’ve lost all control over your life (maybe manifesting into depression, anxiety and disordered eating in a grasp for control over something)
  • being unable to decide on a career path because you could have had everything, only to watch those opportunities disappear as you fail to commit

There’s a reason why one of my all-time favorite quotes is: “Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.” (Margaret Atwood, 'Cat's Eye')