Just Sad. on Tumblr

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

beautifuldarkmind

I think I’m getting better and then everything gets bad again.

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

sa-dnesss

“I was 12 thinking about killing myself. I am 21, still thinking about killing myself.”

—

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

wishing-for-deathx

Now I’m empty. I have nothing to give to anyone. Except for talking about my pain. And since I realize that’s toxic, I’ve simply isolated.

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

abnormall

i dont talk anymore. i dont want to. i have nothing to say. i have nothing to contribute to a conversation. words escape me and i dont care that they do. i can go entire days without muttering a word. i just want to be left alone, now.

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

wishing-for-deathx

Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

Ahaha I missed Christmas cause things were great but got drastically worse after (: I’ve got my helium tank ready and everything I need I’m just waiting til I’m ready to go to bed for the last time tonight (:

It’s been 4,165 days of me listening to others when they said “hey it’ll be fine tomorrow.” Well tomorrow never got better. Every time things started going up hill it when farther downhill than it had ever been before. At this point I’m homeless, lost my job, have no family connections, will have my car taken away by the company I bought it from, have no stable way to be social with others, have begged and pleaded for help in numerous places, and have met rock bottoms cousin bedrock.

4,165 days since the first time I cut myself. I’ve been through 4 attempts, self harm, eating disorders, borderline personality, bipolar type 2, body dysmorphia, bone crippling depression, and I’m just done. I’m over it. I do not want to be here for another 4 thousand days and be in a way worse situation than I’m already in wishing I would’ve before I had to go through that.

I hope you guys find happiness.

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

guitarplayermrs

depressioniskillingmesoftly04

wishing-for-deathx

I just feel so defeated right now. Don’t know what to say to anyone anymore. I’m not okay, it hurts. I had a breakdown. All these sentences can’t seem to do justice to what I feel now. I feel defeated in life, with my body, with the things that have plagued me my entire life. I’m defeated and I can’t get back up. Music isn’t sad enough. Substances aren’t numbing enough. Good things aren’t a thing anymore. The degree of hopeless I exist with isn’t something any person can survive with.