Tokers-choice

You know somtimes life just doesn't make sense or add up. For years I've been trying to find the solution to it but the thing is there isnt a solution theres only choices and consequences. I'm at the point in my life where maybe I'm done trying to find this mysterious solution and just do what I need to. Do what I need to do to forget, to be free, to be myself again. Sometimes I feel I will never feel that way again and it breaks me more than anyone would know. But the saddest thing is I'm still here when I dont want to be and have tried so many times not to be.

I'm just so confused at what life is suppose to be like. My friends got lost and fell into habits and now they are dying and I'm telling myself I can do better. Shouldnt the pain from losing them push me to get better? Youd think that. But I feel maybe its jealously, they finally got peace and rest. No more pain or resentment you are finally free. That's all I ever wanted, so maybe I'm trying to follow them. I know what's right and what's wrong but the problem is my brain cant win against the pain.