Insane Rant: The Star Trek Madness Bracket

NO!!!  NO! This bracket is terrible! Picard vs Sisko in the "Diplomats" category? Sisko is many things - a commander, a captain, a Bajoran Jesus, an M class chef, a master of iambic pentameter, but a Diplomat? Nononono. He gets in people's FACES! He's like Harrison Ford in Air Force One: "GET! OFF! MY! PROMENADE!" He punched Q in the FACE! That is not diplomatic! Picard should be in the diplomats bracket with WEYOUN 5. Now that would be some PRO DIPLOMACY. DI-PRO-MACY, one might say. Picard and Weyoun 5 might have actually kind of hit it off! Maybe if Picard had been in charge of DS9 that whole war could have been avoided and Cardassia would be more than just a burnt up match head floating in space. And the Alpha Quadrant would be under Dominion control, but really, would that be so bad? Why or why not?

Also: Worf vs Dax? That's cruel. Isn't there a law that says you don't have to testify against your spouse? I feel that should apply here. 

lol Janeway is a pirate queen. I think i read a fanfic like that once. And speaking of fanfic, Janeyway will probably beat poor Armin because there are way more J/7 J/C J/T J/J shippers on tumblr than people who care about Armin's genius-level performance as Quark. That said I may vote for Janeway. 

Though there are no DS9 people involved, the Spock vs Seven vote is taking place right now (you can find the poll at Hulu's Tumblr) and I'm sorry but I'm not not going to vote for Seven. It's trolling to put her in a bracket with Spock. Spock is great, and people will be mad when he loses. But Seven is one of the funniest characters in Trek. I said it. That episode where she does an impression of the Doctor the whole time? Incredible.

I would encourage everyone to keep an eye on this poll so DS9 has some hope of making a decent showing. I can't believe Odo's not on there. Odo vs Worf would have been a solid match up. SOLID, lol.

Help I can't stop I should be at a friends birthday party right now.

I have a feeling there are relatively few people at this point who are both huge Weyoun fans AND aware of the now-several-years-old Nyoro~n meme, but sometimes you just have to go with your heart. May the founders forgive me for mixing fandoms like this. But something about Weyoun is very anime. It's his big eyes and general kawaii-ness. If you don't get the thing at the end just pretend he's like a Pokemon and says his own name sometimes.

Resistance is Cute-tile.

This is my original character, Bean Cat, dressed like a Borg. What do Borgs have to do with DS9? Well Sisko doesn't like them.

WHOA SERIOUS QUESTION: Could Borgs assimilate Changelings? I'm going to say....no, absolutely not. 

Here's a Comedy Classic from from the light-hearted days of DS9 Season 3.

Bashir is trying to get with Leeta and at 1:10 Dax sidles up and kills his game for no reason other than she's 300+ years old and everything she does she does for the lulz.

Luckily in the 23rd century there's a handy PADD app for surreptitiously getting rid of cockblocking trills:

Comedy gold. But could we have tomorrow's technology....today?

Yeah it looks squished here but open it in a new window and you'll see it's sized for iPads. You're welcome.

More Hipster Dax

So my friend, who is much better at these than I am, came up with even more Hipster Dax memes. He has a tumblr HERE, by the way.

Some of my favorites are in this batch. 

The first round of memes are here.

Hipster Dax

My friend and I were watching "Our Man Bashir" last night, which of course is a wacky holosuite episode. At one point Dax assumes the role of a Sexy Scientist:

Well, those glasses may have said "science" back in the early 90s, but in 2012 they make a very different statement:

HIPSTER. DAX.

Edit: Added a few more that had previously been in a separate post. Please note the majority of these, all except the last two, are by my friend and co-trekker Fred, host of twilightpwn.

My Weyoun obsession has surfaced once again so I've lately been trawling the internet in a desperate attempt to find some vorta-related content I haven't poured over a million times before. There isn't any. But I do have some new observations on classic scenes.

I just want to point out the music cue that accompanies Weyoun's failed attempt at art appreciation. From about 0:03 to 0:22. It's the most saccharinely tragic melody I've ever heard outside of a Lifetime movie. The moment culminates in Weyoun striking this adorably despondent pose and holding it for several seconds, creating a veritable tableau of existential crisis:

It's like the show itself is writing hurt/comfort Weyoun fic.

Having finished DS9, I now feel I have a greater understanding of the series, and I now have more context with which to examine themes and characters. Like, for example, how Weyoun likes to stare at founders in the hopes that they'll talk to him.

This is made a point of in three different episodes, and with three different Weyouns!

1. Weyoun 4's Intense Stare

Weyoun 4 is a trailblazer, he's the first Weyoun to see Odo in person, and he is friggin PSYCHED to be eating in the same room as a Founder! He's like, "That's right. I'm worshipping you. I'm worshipping you SO HARD."

2. Weyoun 6's Contemplative Stare

According to Odo, this stare lasted about ten hours before Odo finally called him on it. Weyoun 6 is a deep thinker, and an even deeper stare-er. 

Weyoun 8's Wounded Stare

Okay so this one isn't so much a stare as just sort of a look...but the basic idea is the same. After the Female Changeling tells Thot Gor he can be in charge of Earth, Weyoun 8 has a sad because he thought he'd get to be in charge of the Federation terrirtories (why does he care, I wonder? Are Vorta that concerned with personal glory?). Since Weyoun can hardly be like "WTF!?" to a Founder, he just sort of pouts in her direction until she notices. Can you imagine if you were trying to run a war and you look up and your subordinate is making this face at you? Totally amazing. Best character ever, I'm telling you.

And now, part two of:

Episodes of DS9 That Could Have Been Improved With The Presence of The Dominion

2. THAT RIDICULOUS BASEBALL EPISODE

A whole episode of the DS9 crew playing baseball? Yes! Against some random Starfleet Vulcans? NO!  If you're going to kick it in a holosuite playing baseball in the middle of the Dominion War, you'd better be playing baseball AGAINST THE DOMINION. Maybe it's one of Benjie's crazy dreams. Or maybe Q does it. Maybe Weyoun organizes a company softball league as a last ditch attempt to win over the Federation (he saw the baseball on Sisko's desk and his powers of Extreme Diplomacy told him that this bizarre earth game could be the key to Sisko's heart - and HE WAS RIGHT). 

Here's the Starting Lineup!

Pitcher: THE FEMALE FOUNDER. She shifts up an arm cannon and launches pitches at lethal speeds! First Base: THOT GOR. Because he's competent and you really need someone who has their shit together at first base. Second Base: DUKAT. He has no idea how to play, but he just stands there with his arms crossed and his head cocked to the side and feels like he's contributing. Third Base: DAMAR. He does not want to be there and spends the whole time starring into space thinking about where his military career has taken him. The Jem'Hadar play all the fielding positions, though if there's any drug testing in this league they're screwed.

The Vorta are cheerleaders! There are no cheerleaders at baseball games! Too bad, they're cheering for the Dominion and you can't stop them! Maybe they sit in the stands and wave pennants and just wear their little voices out trying to be the loudest supporter.

Weyoun, however, is too important to be regulated to the stands; he's the catcher.  This way he can confer with the Founder when necessary and he can also talk to the DS9 crew when it's their turn at the plate. 

* * * 

"Captaaaain Sisko, I can't tell you how delighted the Dominion is to partake in this…fascinating Earth game. I've often felt much can be learned about a culture by observing it's leisure activities, and this…"Base-Ball" truly seems to capture the spirit of-"

"Not now, Wey-"

(thunk)

"STEEE-RIKE ONE!"

"Oh my, how unfortunate. I suppose you have little time to practice, with your responsibilities to the Federation looming overhead. Of course, if the Federation were to partner with the Dominion, you would be afforded a great deal more personal time to pursue personal interests, such as this great and noble game."

"That's- If you think-"

(thunk)

"STEEEE-RIKE TWO!"

"Damn it Weyoun! I know what you're doing, and if you try to distract me one more time, I will have Odo eject you from this game, do you understand me?"

"Of course. I apologize. You have my assurances, it won't happen again."

(Sisko angrily squares up to the plate. They wait for the pitch)

"Are you still seeing that charming woman from the Marquis?"

(thunk)

"STEEE-RIKE THREE! YERRRRRRR OUT!"

(Sisko chases Weyoun around the field with a baseball bat, and SCENE)

Today is the first of a Two-Part series entitled:

Episodes of DS9 That Could Have Been Improved With The Presence of The Dominion

(Let us put aside the fact that every episode of anything could have been improved with the presence of The Dominion, and just go on with the proceedings. Also this is an insane crack post that I wrote last night at 3:30am, you've been warned.)

1. ANY MIRROR UNIVERSE EPISODE

So Mirror Ezri Dax can show up for absolutely no plausible reason, but we don't get to see the principal series antagonists appear in that dimly-lit alternative universe even once?

What would the Dominion be like in the Mirrorverse? This is a serious question! Are the Mirror founders benevolent and kind, do they want universal peace instead of order, are they the STARFLEET of the Mirror Universe?! Or are they just EVEN MORE EVIL? Mirror Odo somehow ended up in the Alpha Quadrant, so it seems the Mirror Founders still went ahead with their "Put 100 Babies on Rocketships and See What Happens" master plan. So they're probably at least a little evil.

I guess Mirror Vorta would want to kill Changelings, and would probably be spearheading the Gamma Quadrant Coallition to Kill All Shapeshifters. But without the Founders' help they'd all still be lemurs on Kurill Prime, so I'm not sure how that would work.

I've been slowing waaay down on the DS9 in-take because it's almost over! Watching Season 7 Episode 21, "When It Rains".  The premise is just too delicious.

"Kira, we need you to teach a class on How To Be A Terrorist."

" :D "

"It's for the Cardassians!"

" D: "

Elective Surgery in the Future is positively WACKY!

DUHHHH IM BAJORAN, DUHHH i love flowers, folk art and not working! whats a warp engine? i'm too busying praying to figure it out DUHHHH

sup bitches? i'm a cardassian, my parents beat me when i was two so now i commit genocide. i have no soul. the end.

"Enough talk. Link with me!"

DAMN Laas, buy a guy dinner first.

That said, what a badass, getting all T-1000 with knife hands and shit. How butch do you have to be to make ODO look like the uke?

this ragecomic is a true story and events occured in real time

I love Weyoun's open armed gesture of supplication that he automatically does around changelings. It's like he's waiting for a hug that will never come.

I watched a lot of DS9 when it was on and I was in junior high, but there were a lot of things competing for my attention back then. Like Star Wars. Mostly Star Wars. So there are things I remember about these later seasons and things I don't.

One thing I DEFINITELY didn't remember was THIS scene. Odo and the Founder....did it....SOLID STYLE? Guys. Who thought that was a good idea? It doesn't even make sense. They don't have ORGANS. And afterwards the Founder's like "Pff, that was lame!" Yeah, well, look lady, it works a little better if your parts are actually HOOKED UP to something. 

DID THEY EVEN PRETEND TO TAKE OFF THEIR FAKE "CLOTHES"?

Weyoun is pretty much the best character in all of science fiction. He practices EXTREME DIPLOMACY. He gets shit DONE.  Tense moment at the table? Drink some poison. BOOM: Tension broken. PRO MOVE, +50 CHARISMA.