I cannot be the only one. The tv plays. Everyone allows their phones to screech some sound or another. Sometimes I wonder if my life is too complicated. My boyfriend is married. Open marriage. In my living room at this moment, sits my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s wife, my boyfriends step daughter, my boyfriend’s stepdaughter’s boyfriend. They wonder why I don’t sit in there with them. Sometimes I…

Sister texted a little while ago. She is having a hard time. She wants to know what to do when your inner demons are coming out and fiddling with your personal relationships. My parents allowed her to stay with me a few nights ago. This was the first time since they kicked me out of my child hood home. She went to work with me the next day. She definitely had mood swings and was easily triggered.…

I am depressed. This is a more difficult time than I have had in a long time. I am also hysterically thankful, for many things and some people. My job is so great. It is reliable. There are only a handful of people that need be dealt with on a daily basis. I am fairly decent at it. My sister is such an amazing person. She is a huge reason I am here to write today. Mostly, at this moment, I am…

This blog has basically become a place I can go when I forget who I am. I don’t often find myself here, but the occasion does arise. This is one such occasion. There is a ton of information,recent past occurrences, to share. Brevity will be a great friend to us. The couch, the television, kitchen table, chairs, bed, basically even the car… they are all loans. About a month ago I found myself out…

Sometimes you come to a point in your life that you need something big to happen. All the thoughts and the feelings become too much and you would do anything for a taste of peace. Then you meet a guy on the internet. He has a past, but doesn’t everyone. He is 54, and you are only 25. He has been married twice and has a kid with a woman to whom he was not married. He is currently living in his…

Today has been a bad day. Within minutes of waking up there was that familiar pull of anxiety. My mind is cloudy. Talking or writing about it seems pointless, but I am really not sure how else to deal with my thoughts. I don’t have the energy to type out everything that has been going on the last two weeks. But I am tired. I am frustrated. I am lost as to how to further myself and make good life…

Sadness is a strange little being. He hangs out with his friend depression. They share many similarities, but sadness knows depression is stronger. He never really has understood why depression showed up in the first place. Sometimes she, depression, will disappear for a while or at maybe forget to call. He hangs on, knowing she will return. Often she will even bring something back for him. She…

Rub the lamp, out pops the genie, the wishes are offered… What do you do? Make a wish of course! Today, the wish would be for a way to clear the mind. What legal way is there to just allow the mind to pause all its fretting and dread? Some might suggest mediation, yoga, working out, music, coloring, and many more. These activities still don’t offer the type of numbness of which I wish. The…

Possibly sensitive issues to follow. If you are under 18 or might be triggered by talk of pregnancy, please skip this one if you will. Thank you. Reality says the timing would suck. Reality says custody battle. Reality screams the words “unfit mother”, quite a bit. My friend reality reminds me that I can’t even get things together on this end, and that adding a baby would only make things more…

Our hearts beat with a need to be connected. We all have our own connections. These connections branch off into other connections. Where does it end? Are we ever filled, satisfied with being connected as we are? Perhaps to be satisfied is to lack a desire to move forward, a lack of desire to connect. Every person needs to connect with someone. Are we connecting? Are we forming proper connections…

In my extremist way, I tried the online dating thing. I won’t go into all the details at this moment. I will say this though, people should not determine your value. I can’t tell you how many guys stopped talking to me if I told them they wouldn’t be receiving any pictures or videos from me. It made me feel cheap and worthless. Breaking up with my sweet ex…. He never responded. My parents told me…

What do I know about recovery? -Probably not very much. But here is my take on it never the less. :) Recovery is different for everyone. There has been an almost palpable change in me over the course of each passing day for about the last week. A week ago today, my family was unaware of my bad decisions. The next day, I would tell them. Constantly handing out untruths was killing me. The next…

Since breaking up with the recent boyfriend, angering much of my family, and hurting many people in the process, I have finally experienced the joys of sleep paralysis. In my dreams I am constantly looking for the ex, calling his name, crying, screaming for him. He hears me. He even turns and looks at me, but then he disappears completely. I just can’t find him. There are people who look like…

No one who has read my blog for any time at all will surprised when I tell them that this last guy did not work out. In fact, the whole relationship ended, and ended badly. I am beginning to wonder if I somehow subconsciously develop relationships with men that can’t stay with me. So the last few days have been filled with tears and heartache. I did a lot of things wrong. Does that ever stop? Is…

I have forgotten you, not completely but almost. My senses can’t remember anything more than a glimpse of who you were. I don’t know the last time I dreamed of you or cried for you. Some part of me misses you, remembers a ghost of the person you were. Isn’t this what I wanted? Didn’t I want to forget you? If so, why does this send fear pulsing through my veins? I know I still love you, but what…

Warning: There is some talk of sexual things. Please do not read if you are underage or believe you may be offended. Thanks. There comes a point when you realize that you don’t know, and that its ok if you don’t. I’m always afraid when I begin to feel these feelings, and think these thoughts. The questions and doubts cover the mind like a curtain. Maybe that is the depression. I’m scared. There…

Didn’t proofread. Didn’t reread. Just needed to get some words out of my mind. There comes a point in life where an individual can find himself without his soul. There are expectations everywhere we turn. Some expectations are completely reasonable, some, not so much. We will find ourselves beholden to what another person wants from us. True, we should place others first. We should also work in…