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on the first night we got naked because you said it's not sexual . i wish i never touched you because you took it the wrong way . i blacked out . i woke up naked in someone else's room .
the next day you asked me if i was okay with everything that happened . i said i was because it wasn't sexual and i knew you didn't want to fuck me . you said okay .
on the second night we got naked because i thought it wasn't sexual . i touched you because i didn't know you would take it the wrong way . i hear about men doing these things in locker rooms . i blacked out . i woke up naked on my couch . i had a faint memory of you hovering over me , putting yourself into me . i didn't know what was happening . i thought "he wouldn't actually have sex with me would he?" . i told myself it must have been a dream .
i wondered why you were being so nice to me . i wondered why we felt closer .
a week later i had a friend tell me we slept together . i wondered why you didn't . he said it as if he thought i knew . i broke down while trying to order dinner .
i battle with myself trying to figure out if i got raped by someone i live with . i don't know . i feel like i did . but maybe it's my fault . what did he do to me ? how did he get me to sleep with him ? why do i let him get me drunk ?
there is a small gathering at my house . i am drunk . he is drunk . we are alone . i ask , "did we sleep together?". "yes," . i knew it happened but the confirmation hurt . "did you use protection?" "i don't think so" . . . . . . . my world is falling apart and he says , " i hope you're okay with everything that happened," . i say, "no, I'm not okay with it, and it will never happen again," . and then your friend walked in . i remember your apologies . you saying you should have known better . then why didn't you know better ? you are 13 years my senior , I still feel like a child while you are experiencing male pattern baldness . but poor you didn't know better . poor you .
i couldn't look at you for a week . i couldn't talk to you . i hate how you walk around in your underwear , showing off the pale fleshy body that violated me . i already found you unattractive , but in this week when i see you , i am repulsed . every hair growing from every follicle is one i would reject . nothing about you is attractive to me , and it never was . you know that . i remember you pushing me off of you when i hugged you too long . oh so much has changed .
weeks later , i come home drunk on a thursday . where i see you sitting alone in the basement with a bottle of vodka . you offered . i drank . why did i drink it ? i shouldn't have drank it . i blacked out soon after . i awoke naked in my basement , again . but this time i felt i knew what happened between us . my nakedness didn't feel like freedom , as it did before . it felt like a warning . I walked upstairs to my room . my bed covers were flattened , as if someone had been in my bed . the tampon that was supposed to be inside of me lay used on the ground beside the bed . i saw your underwear on the ground . my world fell down around me as i tried to accept that you raped me - after i said we would never have sex again . also , where is my bong ?
i throw out the tampon and check the time . i need to leave so i can get picked up . i cried the whole walk to my friends house , and then i cried in each of their arms . they threatened to hurt you , and more than anything i wanted to see that come true . i wanted to see them smash your face against the chain link fence in my backyard . i wanted to get swings in . i wanted you to be destroyed . so i texted you, "did you have sex with me last night" - you say , "no , i don't think so " . i took it as a relief . i thought i could trust you . until i was reminded that you have every reason to lie .
i was in doubt about what happened and pondered a rape kit . i didn't take it . maybe i was too scared to find out . i didn't even remember i could do one until it was too late . now i wish i did . rape kits can be used up to 72 hours after the original incident . i remembered about 68 hours after . and i neglected it .
i asked you about the lost bong . you said you have no idea where it could be .
i talked to my other roommate today , saying i randomly lost my bong . she told me you gave it to her because you couldn't have it around . supposedly you forgot . if you forgot giving my bong away , what else do you forget ? did you forget taking away parts of me for yourself ? because i did . and as traumatic as it would be to remember , i wish i did . i could send you to jail . i could ruin your tiny life . will i ever trust that you didn't rape me that night ? an "I don't think so" is a lot less convincing when you decided to give away my personal belongings without asking .
i am confused , and i am hurt . i don't feel comfortable around you anymore . after the first 2 times , i felt broken , but i knew i could get over it . and i thought i did . but i feel like you did it again , after explicitly having consent revoked , and i don't know how to feel . do i get you beat up over something you don't remember , and neither of us can confirm ? do i just continue to let myself go quiet whenever i'm around you ? the only stroke of luck in this situation is that you're moving out in 2 weeks . and although you may be moving out , i feel as though i'm already gone .
