If you would report an undocumented immigrant to ICE you would have reported me to the Nazis and I don’t fucking trust you

A note:

I live in a state where you “have to” report anyone you suspect of being undocumented (that wonderful hellhole of Arizona). Now in practice this law has fallen far short, thank goodness. But if you live in such a place and they start enforcing it, here is how you get around it:

Assume everyone who doesn’t speak English is visiting.

Never ask about their job, because if they tell you they work here then you know they’re not visiting. You see them a lot for several weeks or months? Hm. Someone in the family must be ill. That’s terribly tough. They always dress in old, ratty laborers’ clothes? I feel you, my dude, I can’t afford new clothes either, and my dad has the fashion sense of an aardvark, so sometimes it’s not even about “affording” them. They say they’ve been here for years? You must have misunderstood. Spanish isn’t your first language, after all. First and last name? It never came up, or you don’t recall–you meet a lot of people.

And then, if you’re asked: no, you haven’t seen anyone residing illegally in the United States. Just people visiting.

Very good very important addition

i was in a thrift shop the other day and they were playing the most unsettling variations of normal christmas music, culminating in this rendition of the 12 days of christmas except it was like 12 guys all singing over each other and going “no!” and interrupting the lyrics with random other phrases until they deadass just started singing 5 golden rings to toto’s africa. can anyone confirm that this is a real song and not that i stroked so hard i astral projected into a universe where everything is somehow worse than it is here

https://youtu.be/2Fe11OlMiz8

I remember listening to this in grade school. I am going to go get some Chinese food.

this is what my anxiety attacks sound like

Oh I needed this laugh this evening. Thank you so much.

In case anyone didn’t want to leave Tumblr and just hit “play”

There is a second one.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7E-47VmFopE

@shannonsketches

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,” said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

“We just thought we’d check in on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.

~ Kathryn Wallace

On October third, the Duolingo owl asked me what day it is.

catopumas are so interesting 2 me bc theres only two species so far in the genus, and its either

a very gentle looking asian golden cat

very kind looking, round. 10/10

and then the other in the genus is

the bay cat, or as i like to call them - the weasel cat. long, kinda weird looking, but still 10/10 despite the weaselness.

a noble old wizard, and her mushroom-addled warlock roommate

THIS CATTE IS SO FRICKING HIGH

So, I moved recently. And my new neighborhood is full of kids. I met about 20 of them the day I moved in because they helped me chase down my dog when he got loose and I can already tell you, me and these kids are gonna be besties. They come over to play with my dogs at least once a day. A few little convos we’ve had so far:

(On the day we met)

6yo: My name Kendrick but you can call me KJ cause my friends call me KJ and you my friend now.

~

KJ: I’ll walk your dogs for 5$!

Me: Imma think about it, okay?

KJ: Ok ok, 3$!! But that’s the lowest imma go. What a deal right?!?!

~

9yo: You know my Mama’s got a boyfriend.

Me: That’s nice!

9yo: My grandmama don’t like him cause he ain’t got a job.

Me: Oh.

9yo: Do you got a job?

Me: Yeah.

9yo: *screaming across the yard* GRANDMAMA!! THIS GIRL GOT A JOB!

(I might be her new stepmom, y’all. Idk)

~

12 yo: You ain’t got a man?

Me: Nope.

12 yo: You got a woman?

Me: Nope.

12 yo: It’s just you and these dogs?

Me: Yep.

12 yo: Girllllll! You living the life!

~

9yo: *banging on my back door* HEY!! Open the door!!

Me: *opening the door, freaking out* OMG! WHATS WRONG!

9yo: Nothing. You got a popsicle?

Me: Ummmm...no.

9yo: You want one?

Me:???

9yo: *pulls a popsicle from behind her back* I think you need this.

Me: Thank you.

9yo: Alright. Imma see you tomorrow. Bye!!

Me:...okay

Protect these kids at all costs

I really respect the six-year-old hustler. He’s going places.

You are now the local wise-woman and these are your charges. Protect them. Guide them. Love them. Let them love you. 

HAIRY SHIN BANDITS

hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Weird Biology! today, I’m going to give you a fresh look at a really weird bird you may have heard of before. so get ready to learn some badass new facts about this scrappy little football!

so say hello to:

*HEAVY METAL SCREAMING*

all right, so there isn’t much badass about a hairy, nocturnal, flightless, island-dwelling bird a little bigger than a chicken. or so they’d like you to think.

Kiwis live in New Zealand, which is fitting because they’re the Hobbits of birds. (bear with me a minute and put down the torches, please)

I swear I’m going somewhere with this

like Hobbits, Kiwis live in burrows. also like Hobbits, Kiwis are short, stocky creatures; they grow to be about eighteen inches tall and 7 pounds. (this is just slightly larger than the average chicken and probably larger than you thought they were) like Hobbits, Kiwis are voracious omnivores and eat basically anything they can fit in that ridiculous beak. and finally as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Kiwis are prodigiously hairy. like Hobbits.

and finally, the Kiwi would absolutely carry a cursed item to the ends of the earth and throw down with a Ring Wraith. (but they’d do it out of spite)

spite is the only emotion the Kiwi can feel

see, Kiwis are aggressive, territorial, and extremely tenacious. they defend their territories and burrows against anything and everything, including humans and probably also marauding armies of orcs. which, since Kiwis have squat muscular legs and extremely sharp claws, is no joke.

no seriously, they’ve been known to sprint out of the underbrush without warning, gouge people in the shin, and sprint away.

it’s a lot less funny when you realize that they’re at least as fast as you are.

adding to their sheer tenacious badassery is the fact that Kiwis are even still around. I don’t know if you guys are super familiar with what usually happens to flightless island-dwelling birds when humans and non-native predators show up, but it’s not good. (HINT: starts with an E and rhymes with “distinction”)

700ish years ago, humans first arrived on New Zealand. this was fine, and Kiwis more or less got along okay. but in the 1700′s the first Europeans arrived, and they brought dogs and Norway Rats with them. (this was significantly less nifty for the New Zealand inhabitants, both human and otherwise.) these predators have been taking huge tolls on the Kiwi population for a long time now, (the dogs and rats, I mean) but Kiwis are fighty tenacious bastards and against all odds they’re still here. for comparison: the Kakapo (New Zealand’s other largish flightless bird) has faced the same problem with introduced predators and is now damn near extinct.

Kiwi resilience is in large part thanks to New Zealand’s conservation programs, but also Kiwis are just tough little bastards who don’t know when to quit.

but I’ve saved the most thrashtacularly metal feat of the Kiwi for last. Kiwis form bonded pairs for life (awww), and lay one to two eggs together per year. which, okay, does not sound like a lot. however, there is an important fact that needs to be brought into consideration:

yes, that’s a REAL FUCKING XRAY. HOOOOOLY SHIT.

the egg is fucking huge. like, up to 25% of the mom’s body weight huge. that’s completely fucking ridiculous and it’s upsetting to even think about. 

but that big egg makes a big, well-developed chick who comes out of the shell ready to stab you in the shin and sprint into the bushes. they’re literally born ready to throw down and are basically mini-adults. but still adorable.

continuing the family tradition!

unfortunately despite their badass ways, Kiwis are currently still under threat from introduced predators. the good news is that Kiwis are loved, celebrated, and protected by New Zealanders. (who are justly and rightly invested in their national bird, shin-kicking quirks and all)

there are many conservation programs in place for the embattled Kiwi, and its weirdness is a light that won’t be going out anytime soon.

shine on, you little weirdos, shine on.

thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

if you enjoy my work, maybe buy me a coffee so I can caffeinate myself into the 5th dimension.

there was a factual error about the dates of the rat/dog invasion in the earlier versions of this post, please reblog this version instead!

Has this been done yet? Because I love you Elrond but wtf. [Screencap credit]

LAUGHING BUT CRYING INSIDE

Every time I watch the siege at Helm’s Deep I get so annoyed. Yes, arm ten-year old boys who can’t see over the battlements or through a helmet, and old men who struggle to lift a sword. Meanwhile you have a cave full of brawny abled bodied adult women who’ve been lifting barrels of mead, wrestling animals on farms, and chopping wood all their lives, relegated to cowering in a cave waiting to be slaughtered. 

eowyn ghostwrote this post

TFW your boyfriend is a 17th Century Catholic vampire who is NOT OVER™ the Glorious Revolution of 1688.

Ok i was expecting red flags and shit but I’m not sure what color this flag is but there’s a flag and I’m confused.

today i told my manager "just because i can handle anything doesn't mean i should have to" and if that isn't just the motto of my life

Good tags OP

it's the working class struggle!

Anybody else remember how for a few years after 9/11 it was totally reasonable to be scared of a low-flying plane or flying/airports in general. It was just understood the 9/11 was an event that affected the American psyche and even though most planes landed totally safely it was understandable to be scared.

But when young people who are increasingly forced to consider the thought of being shot in school or at concerts say they feel uncomfortable with people openly carrying guns in public, suddenly they're too sensitive and infringing on the rights of others.

I work in an event space. People are legit scared 24/7. I walked in to work and reached into my laptop bag and had to reach around to find my badge for a few seconds and people visibly flinched and one reached for a radio and told me after it was in case he had to radio for an active shooter. This is not just young people. Convention centers and arena staff are on constant vigil, I'm sure people in parks and school officials are too. Like we hear a car backfire or something loud drop and bang and the building staff all tenses ready to go to active shooter protocol. The stress that puts on people is fucking immeasurable.

I work at a store in a large retail space, and every time I see a young or middle-aged white man on his own without any bags or other signs that he’s there for a reason, I immediately move closer to the exit farthest from him. One time a teenager came in wearing a hat with an AR-15 on it and I texted my parents in a panic in case I had to run. I was a nervous wreck until he came into my shop with his family and I learned they were just nice German tourists (so he didn’t have the cultural context to know that the hat might upset people)

This is not normal

i like elephant seals IN THEORY cos they look so goofy but every time i watch any documentary about them all they do is fuck and fight extremely graphically and disgustingly to the death so i’m deeply afraid of them

I just googled “why do elephant seals fight” and got a video of one bashing himself in slow, rhythmic, dead-eyed crashes against a truck only slightly larger than itself while said owner just stood to the side, a defeated, perplexed look on his face

Pretty sure this is Homer the elephant seal from New Zealand. He’s not fighting that car he’s fucking it. It’s how he got famous, he became a menace to a town after fucking a bunch of cars. He also fucked a restaurant’s power box and caused a blackout. Absolute madman.

Ah, wonderful! Now I’m even more terrified.

can non-marginalised people like. stop referring to minorities they’re not a part of as [noun]s?? if ur cishet don’t fucking say “transgenders” when ur referring to trans people, or “gays” when referring to gay people; if you’re a goy don’t say “jews” when u mean jewish people; if you’re not black, don’t fucking refer to black people as “blacks”. i could go on!!! it costs literally zero (0) bucks and! you don’t come off as some over-privileged, condescending piece of shit!!!

@dykecrowley So what is the correct terminology

learn how to read first

It’s always made me feel super uncomfortable when people use those nouns when they aren’t a part of the minority, I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one to feel this way!

Nope. No. You’re wrong. Color photos have been around since the late 1800s there are a bunch of full color photos of MLK. The us govt and educational system just doesn’t show us because they want us to push back the civil rights movement and distance institutionalized racism from today’s society.

Here are just a few of many photos of MLK in FULL color. This wasn’t that long ago. This is RECENT history. Segregation, the terrorizing of black communities, the brutality isn’t old - it is still present.

When my dad was a little boy, my grandfather was one of the ministers who marched with MLK on Washington. He grew up hearing stories about the great Dr. king and the differences he made BUT he still saw the blatant discrimination against black folks and other people of color (hell he experienced it himself). My dad was a kid watching MLK. My DAD. My grandfather who only passed away about six years ago MARCHED with him. This isn’t twelve generations ago. THIS IS RECENT HISTORY.

I’m a millennial and my parents were both in middle school when he was murdered. This really wasn’t that long ago.

I’m Gen z and my grandmother went to segregated schools for a few years before they became illegal

Seeing photos like this in full color with nice, crisp lines and in relatively high definition really does a lot to remind you that this really WASN’T all that long ago. No wonder people tend to think of the days of MLK as ancient history, if we mostly see black and white and grainy pictures! 

“what happened to you made you stronger” 

i was a child. i didn’t need to be strong i needed to be safe

LOUDER

“sir, please don’t film my family”

in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y'all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!

With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?

ex. “You’re such a good listener. You’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. You’re always there for me. You always hold me down. You’re reliable”

vs.

“You’re so funny! You’re very vibrant. You’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. You’re optimistic. You’re so talented at ____” , etc. I think that’s very telling.

This FUCKED relationships up too because once this hit me, I realized people can just be in love with the way you make them feel instead of who you actually are. ALWAYS pay attention to the last little “vs” but there because it IS super telling

People who haven’t seen any of the PURGE movies: If all crime was legal for the night I would do [X harmless and fun thing] rather than murder people and burn shit down. 

Purge I: The ones to look out for are rich privileged white kids, almost everyone else is just trying to make it through the night in peace.  

Purge II and III: The government uses the Purge as a pretext to stage mass killings of the poor and disabled, explicitly because capitalism and subtextually because racism and ableism, but many people have grouped together to defend their neighbors and to combat the fascist government. 

Upcoming Purge Prequel: The government wanted the nation to turn on the most vulnerable, but instead of hurting one other people are just throwing a ton of wild parties and getting stoned. 

TBH the Purge movies are an amazing anti-corrupt government/1% under the guise of being a cheap slasher film and honestly, under all the gory kills is a great movie about the horrors of the government and privilege.