Entry #20

I'm trying to disassociate.

Everything i once tried to replicate,

I've grown to hate.

It's like my life is in a constant stagnate,

Where the longer i stay,

The more it complicates.

If my life were a spongebob episode

it would be the "at night" episode, except replace everything with "aahhh I'm depressed"

Entry 19: Where do I go?

I grow more and more distant with the family I once loved.

They push me down and belittle me for each mistake I make, or others make.

"Use your brain."

"I know you don't know what you're talking about most of the time. "

I'm told these things every five fucking seconds,

But if I say anything about it I get scolded.

They expect a huge future from me,

But with each insult I feel as though my mind were the size of a pixel.

"You need to get your education"

Well I'm fucking trying, but it's hard when I'm constantly being thrown in a straitjacket by the people I call family.

They say the male in this house should be my role model.

That I should listen to him more.

But at this point I'd rather listen to a leaking fire hydrant.

I'm told to come to my guardian when I'm having an issue.

But I can't when it's about her husband.

Entry 18… yay

I find myself hurdling through the same rabbit hole over and over again.

This never ending cycle of bliss and ignorance, then this… numbing sensation.

Farther and farther i fall into this abyss, watching as the ground falls away, I don’t think I’ll ever catch my footing.

There has to be something pushing me. This doesn’t feel natural. This has to be caused by some material being.

But that can’t be. For all that’s here,

Is me.

Entry #17 I guess.

I'm often described to be far from ordinary.

Quite presumptuous if you ask me.

You see, I'm constantly seeking greatness,

Anything otherwise I see as meaningless.

I often seek approval from others,

I guess that's why I yearn for a lover.

The only thing that sets me aside from people

like you, reader,

Is that I'm not one to simply reach out.

I can't just launch to the person in front of me,

and ask around and about.

No.

I only attempt to escape my issues.

I explore my imaginary world of music,

Where not one soul,

has a clue what's wrong with me,

But knows everything wrong with you.

Entry #16, thought I was done with this shit.

One year, and I've thought about you

-

Eight hundred times since you've left, none of them pleasant

-

Two times were pretty decent,

Seven times it was a dream, and you pushed me off a cliff.

Three of the times landing in spiked, chiseled terrain

-

Eight times I thought you died, unbeknownts the reason.

Two times I was worried, that your addiction caught up to you.

Five times I called,

Five times you didn't care.

I'm falling off the tracks,

One more step, and I'm bound to collapse.

Please, just take me back...

Back to when I didn't write about every damn relapse.

Something is wrong here. Each mistake, each argument... Flies off the handle

Entry #15 A recent confliction

Maybe I should just give up… Maybe I shouldn’t pursue my dreams, Like everyone tells me. Maybe I shouldn’t go to college… It costs too much money anyways, There are jobs that don’t need degrees, right? Maybe I should just conform… Stop all this… “Punk” nonsense, It does more harm than good, doesn’t it? Maybe I should be someone else… I am just another person, What makes me different from you? You tell me.