dactylioceras

i bet if walter white had tumblr hed be like "i am the one who blogs haha"

4 notes

🔮 purple-queen Follow

just got a beautiful ring from the store, can't wait to show it off here!

#my purchases #marie speaks

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🌶️ capncook

finally scored a new job can i get a hell yeah. back to making stacks dawg

5 notes

🪨 hankschrader4 🔁 flynwyte Follow

🏎️ flynwyte Follow

HELP A DISABLED TEEN'S FATHER AFFORD CANCER TREATMENT!

I didn't want to have to make this post, but deadlines are closing in and I don't have many options left.

My name is Walter White Junior, and my father was recently diagnosed with cancer. He's been battling for a few months now, and he wants us not to worry about him, but he can't keep pulling money out of nowhere. I've done the math, and I've estimated that he needs $12k to afford all the treatment he needs.

Any donations are appreciated! You can donate directly at my website, or donate on p@yp@l, under the username flynwyte.

407/12,000

(do not tag as donation!)

#donation

747 notes

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👨🏾‍💼 gustavo-fring

I am pleased to announce that we have finally hired a new social media intern.

22 notes

🐓 los-pollos-hermanos Follow

yo yo yo whaddup chicken lovas!!! were bringin back the 2-for-1 honey mustard wings combo, with that signature taste you cant help but love! get it today, bitches!

🏎️ flynwyte Follow

60 notes

🔮 purple-queen Follow

okay, you know what? No. I'm sick of this. Kleptomania is a valid mental disorder, and if i have to explain to you why, then i will.

#marie speaks #rant

106 notes

🌶️ capncook

bored on the job man its got me thinkin...

#vent post #delete later

2 notes

👊 2co Follow

i can't say shit around my grandpa bro. i make a comment about the lakers one time and its 😤🛎️🛎️🛎️😤🛎️🛎️😤😤🛎️🛎️🛎️🛎️🛎️ im fuckin SICK OF IT!!

0 notes

🐓 los-pollos-hermanos Follow

i miss her so much man...

#vent post #delete later

17 notes

🐓 los-pollos-hermanos Follow

We would like to apologize for our social media intern's mistake. As a token of our apology, we are offering a 10% discount on any chicken order if you mention this post. Have a finger-lickin' day!

14 notes

🧪 h31s3nb3rg Follow

I am the one who blogs haha

#heisenposting

1,250 notes

😺 meow-moment

Who said that

dactylioceras

freakinflipflop

machine-saint

we justifiably give Biden a lot of shit but I think "at least 3" is the funniest possible response to some right wing dipshit asking you how many genders there are

wait it gets better

Something about the drama of the Twitter blue check mark made me think of the Dr Seuss The Sneetches book, and I find the comparison hilarious

For context, the story goes having a star on your belly made you cool, but then a guy with a machine made it so you could pay him and add a star to your belly. So all the starless sneetches bought the star, but then since they weren’t exclusive anymore, all the star sneetches wanted to get rid of their star to be cool and starless, and the guy with a machine would do that for money. This happened a few times until no one knew who was original what and they all became friends and learned a lesson about the pointlessness of the stars and being scammed out of money.

Also I haven’t read the book since I was like 7 so the story could be totally off :)

Amazing photograph taken in the fraction of a second where the target doesn’t even know he’s being tackled yet. Idiot.

dactylioceras

whotaughtyougrammar

animate-mush

AITA for trying to eat my landlord’s fancy takeout?

So my [523 F] sisters [498 F/492 F]and I are fully stay-at-home, and our landlord [530 M] brings us most of our groceries. Now things have been tight recently and so we only have grocery runs about once a month, and last night was one of these. Our house has a pretty clearly delineated men’s half and women’s half, so when we saw the food [21M] in our rooms we assumed it had been left there for us. But then our landlord burst in with our groceries and started screaming and shouting and getting really violent about the idea that we would touch his special treat after he’d forbidden it and just carrying on and told us to get out (this was our room, keep in mind). And I guess I had known that he had ordered fancy takeout, but it wasn’t like it was labeled or anything, and it’s not like there wasn’t plenty to go around. His reaction just seemed really uncalled for. AITA?

see-arcane

You are the assholes and you know it.

Hi, Landlord here [590 M] who thinks the story could use a little extra context. Like the fact that all three of the abovementioned tenants were fully aware that the food was not just a special treat, but THE Special Treat.

Which they knew. Because I told them about it repeatedly. I told them explicitly not to even look at this Special Treat until I was done with him.

If that seems hyperbolic, understand that he was an imported good I’d been waiting on for just the right occasion. We’re talking Wagyu beef levels of quality. I am currently following a time-honored preparation method of seasoning his psyche with assorted traumas for maximum flavor at the time of consumption.

And, shocker for the audience, I was always planning to share the Special Treat with these three bottomless pits who, I’ll note, do get fresh groceries from me–I bring in goddamn veal every couple weeks!–including the inciting date above. How would you react if you came home from the market with an armful of dinner only to find the people you told. Explicitly. Not to Touch the Special Treat Yet (emphasis on YET). About to jump and drink him dry before you even got a taste after all your hard work of priming and preparation?

It should also be mentioned that I have been fasting for ages while making sure my tenants are fed. I have to make the grocery trips because, as you can probably guess, they have the self control of mosquitoes at a blood drive and would inhale the whole countryside if I didn’t play caterer.

Needless to say, yes, I blew up at them.

And also yes, they still got their goddamn groceries while I went hungry again, because I was/am not finished with menacing the Special Treat to peak flavorful misery.

All I wanted was to enjoy the art of perfecting the Special Treat’s torment for the rest of the prep time, get first taste, and then share it with my tenants. Though part of me is feeling almost petty enough to just box the Special Treat up with me and head out on holiday out of spite at this point.

animate-mush

“Wagyu Beef” ugh you’re SO pretentious. “All my food has to come from England now, boo hoo it all has to be properly ~~seasoned~~” meanwhile just tossing us the barest scraps

Don’t let this guy fool you playing “oh poor me” just because he’s on another of his stupid fad diets. He is the biggest teaboo I swear. AND he tries to make us help him practice his sentences for his big vacation WHICH I may add we are NOT invited on!

Oh yeah, he told us not to look at the Special Treat. That part’s true. It’s so true that we haven’t been allowed out of our part of the house for two weeks! Well guess what genius - we didn’t know what the Special Treat looked like! Wow, another one of your brilliant plans perfectly effected.

“I was always going to share” oh really? Were you? Because it sounded to me like backtracking once we caught you. “Oh don’t worry babe you can have my leftovers after I leave the country.” HOW EXTREMELY GENEROUS OF YOU.

But you know what? You’re right, you’re right. ITA for assuming you would do something nice for us for a change.

ETA: you know he hasn’t even changed the draperies in here, like, ever? Everything’s moth eaten and we don’t even have curtains. But when he’s got visitors suddenly it’s the best of everything. He’s been feeding that guy every day and we don’t even get a nibble? And it’s like this for everything. I hope he gets hit by one of those fancy English trains he’s obsessed with

see-arcane

First, excuse the hell out of me for hitting on a hobby other than ‘ooh hoo hoo, I do nothing but eat and complain through the centuries!’

Second, you’re not idiots. Do you really expect me to believe that you couldn’t connect the dots between ‘Hey, stay away from the Special Treat’ and ‘Oh hey, look at this Special Treat-looking morsel! That was very clearly not hand-delivered to us like all our other groceries! Guess it’s completely unrelated and we shouldn’t wait to find out more before pouncing on it!’?

Third, WE HAVE BEEN SHARING THIS BUILDING FOR HALF A MILLENNIUM. I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF THE PARTS USED BY MYSELF AND/OR MY GUESTS/FUTURE MEALS THE ENTIRE TIME. ME. BY MYSELF. ONE GUY. Oh no, your rooms are looking dowdy and moth-eaten? Oh dear. Whyever could that be? It’s almost like the people who use them, exclusively, haven’t been doing shit to join in on the upkeep. You would think four (4) supernaturally endowed people un-living in the same castle could keep the whole thing looking nice through basic effort. You’d think! But no, apparently! It’s all down to one guy because the rest can’t be bothered!

Fourth, oh, I haven’t done anything nice for you for a change? Nothing?? Let me get out my little glass harmonica so I can play a sad song as grating as you sound. What part of You Get to Share the Special Treat (who could have been all just for me whether you saw him or not!) did you not hear? All I want–after starving myself, after preparing him to be something Special for Us–is the courtesy of getting the first draught from the finished product. That’s it. That is literally it.

You three are the type of people who’d complain about a winemaker getting the first glass from his barrel. ffs

Fifth, and I can’t believe this needs repeating: You are complaining about ‘getting scraps’ (read: fresh local goods, like clockwork) when I have had. Literally. Nothing. For so long I can’t even say if it’s been months or years. Maybe act your age and grow some patience when it comes to appreciating (someone else’s) cuisine for once.

But hey, it’ll all be moot in a month, won’t it? The whole greedy gaggle of you will get him once I’m done–IF I’m feeling forgiving, which is very much up in the air now–and I’ll be heading out to England, and then you’ll be free to let the rest of the castle fall to shambles and glut yourself on the neighbors to your hearts’ content.

Try not to pick the Carpathians dry.

…

Hi. Um. Special Treat [21 M] speaking.

Can someone please send the authorities and a locksmith to Castle Dra

CONNECTION LOST

dactylioceras

that-house

vortigone

angel in space who falls in love with an astronaut floating out in the void, not realizing they've been dead for years out there nor comprehending what death even is. is that anything

vortigone

the angel starts leading them back to earth cuz they think that's what'll make them feel better, finally talk back to them, open up. it takes lightyears to get back to earth's atmosphere and when they do, the angel embraces them as gravity takes hold and pulls them crashing down. they both incinerate into ash and disappear. is that anything

dactylioceras

freakinflipflop

how is the kentucky derby not trending on here?? the horse with the lowest odds wins and immediately starts biting everything in its sight, that sounds like a tumblr legend to me

sneakyspades

oh my fucking god

phantom-cosmos

This horse wasn’t even supposed to be in the race. Horse number 20 (can’t remember it’s name) dropped out the day before for whatever reason, and Rich Strike was just barely able to sneak a spot into the derby before the deadline. Not to mention that this was just some garbage $30,000 horse that didn’t have any kind of impressive breeding (yes I am aware $30k is still a lot, but for a Kentucky Derby horse, that’s chump change). He was the second biggest upset in the history of the Derby, with one other horse (Donerail) winning with 91-1 odds before in 1913 (Which, for reference, I’m pretty sure Donerail with his 91-1 odds still holds the record for the worst odds in the history of the race. Just for context of how shit Rich Strike’s 80-1 odds were. Not THE worst, but definitely up there).

I am in love with this shit horse who wasn’t even supposed to be there, had some of the worst odds in the history of the race, and had the worst starting position who completely destroyed all of the favorites to win. Watching him come up to first right at the last second was THRILLING.

jackhawksmoor

This story is fucking hilarious

So Rich Strike has barely won a race, but he ALWAYS shoots up in the last stretch. He goes from 11th to 4th, from 8th to 3rd. Rich Strike hits the final corner and suddenly gets flashbacks to his previous life as a Klingon warrior. He starts snarling curses and heads for the finish line like it insulted his ancestors and must PAY, that's just how he runs races

And this was a blisteringly fast time for the Kentucky Derby- one of the fastest races EVER. When the announcer realized the time when they hit the halfway point he was like "Jesus CHRIST" It was incredible. Which means the lead horses, the favorites, were sprinting as hard as they could the entire race. By the time they got to the end they were exhausted

And here comes Rich Strike, turns the last corner and his vision goes red. The lead horses can't pick up the final sprint like usual- they already ARE going flat out. Rich Strike comes up on the inside, NOT exhausted by fighting for the lead spot, howling "DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR" like the complete fucking lunatic he is and just blows past everyone

He's ready to kill. He wants to tear into some Romulans and destroy the Federation, and he wins everything

Then the guy on horseback whose job it is to help slow the running horses down after they cross the finish line comes up and Rich Strike LOSES HIS SHIT

He bites the other horse, he bites the rider, he bites himself. He's like "oh you think you can slow ME down?! I'LL KILL YOU. QAPLA!"

He's completely insane and I love him

thesylverlining

Hail to the KING. I watched this happen on TV last year, Best shit i have ever seen and the only time I have cared about the Kentucky derby.

He screams out of nowhere with the fires of hell at his hooves, and the audience started BOOING THIS HORSE as he went to collect his roses. A thousand rich fucks mad as hell, hating the guts of this insane rando who has ruined their party. Huge Lokasenna energy (look this up lol).

dactylioceras

whaile

charlesoberonn

One Big Mario Party by But A Jape

mcdonalds gave me a baby pancake 🥺 i love when small businesses send free gifts

fifiibibii

awritersrejections

UPDATE: DO NOT GOOGLE "RONALD MCDONALD BREEDING"

fifiibibii

how dare u ???? EVERYONE should be educated on ronald mcdonald breeding practices.

et103

Actually, a lot of the research done on ronald mcdonald breeding was funded by rival diner chains as a slander campaign and is riddled with misinformation and pseudo science so the one that should educate themselves is YOU

fifiibibii

so you hate women ???!!?!

nyaahilism

fifiibibii

he looks so fertile and weak

fifiibibii

who said that

ratt-teeth

get back here and face what youve done

fifiibibii

void-ink-studios

This whole post felt like getting slapped by a very wet piece of ham, one after another.

fifiibibii

i know who I'd slap with a wet piece of ham

dactylioceras

hoothootmotherf-ckers

speciesofleastconcern

morrak

My first biology professor had an ‘inadequacy drawer’ full of things to remind him he wasn’t, in fact, the dumbest and laziest person to ever exist. It was mostly Darwin, notably these two bits:

‘But I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything.’

‘I am going to write a little Book for Murray on orchids and today I hate them worse than everything.’

“I am at work on the second vol. of the Cirripedia, of which creatures I am wonderfully tired: I hate a Barnacle as no man ever did before, not even a Sailor in a slow-sailing ship.”

-Charles Darwin on a letter to his cousin

rhube

Charles Darwin: unexpected depression hero.

sophiamcdougall

I knew about “I am very poorly and very stupid and hate everybody and everything,” but not the others.

“I hate myself, I hate clover, and I hate bees” is A Mood.

anima-beata

My favorite Darwinism: “I am dying by inches, from not having any body to talk to about insects”. Hits me right at the center of my hyperfixated soul.