huh?

I’m fine

I need divine intervention

The jump from 2019 to 2024 is sooo violent.

me: *doin anything at all* me: is this okay??? can i do this?? like that?? is it okay to do this like that?? am i doing this right???????

One of the most fucked up parts of trauma bonding is feeling like there's a "special connection" between you and the perpetrator. You feel this intense pull, this need to be close to them that is so much stronger than it could ever be with other people. You feel like there's a bond between them and you, as if the violence they afflicted on you connected you somehow. You feel like you can't tell other people about it because "they wouldn't understand".

For me there were two aspects of the trauma bond that stood out:

Believing I could only heal through him, that he needed to fix me - since he was the one who broke me. Of course this wasn't true. The opposite was true: I could only heal without him in my life.

And feeling sexual attraction to him. Looking back at my patterns I was often in my life sexually attracted to people who abused me. When I was very young I learned that being loved and protected and appreciated goes along with being mistreated and assaulted. I think this made me be attracted to people who mistreat me. I also think sexual attraction to my rapist was a survival strategy of my body to prevent further pain.

you can tell me you love me all you want, but a part of me will still doubt it.

i wish i could have that "idgaf" attitude, but i don't. i care a lot. too much.

babygirl i sit hunched in ways you’d never fuckin believe

I will always be so fucking angry for what they turned me into

BPD culture is: there is always something missing. You don't know what it is ,but something inside you is missing something.

I hate the days where everyone and everything makes me mad or annoyed because I don't wanna be that angry person but I literally can't fucking control it then I take it out on the people I care about and they don't deserve that

Tw: vent

I fucking hate having quiet bpd

no one sees you struggling or having an episode when you're triggered bc you swallow it and bury it deep down where no one can see it

but then at one point you explode and it's over

some people that were important for you leave bc you are suddenly "mean" and "toxic"

some people stay, but it will never be the same